Dating an Atheist

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I don’t see this as off topic. Im trying to figure out what makes what he’s doing coercive. I already answered the writer’s question, which is that I don’t think they should continue dating. And yes, a post on this forum has NEVER gone off topic.
 
Sapphiregirl said:
Ok, say they were married, and she didn’t want to have sex, and he was trying to convince her to. Would that still be coercion?
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It depends. If he was using the methods he is using now then yes. Marital rape does exist. A person should never be up all night crying (taken from OP) because they said no to sex. This scenario would not directly apply to a married couple since the main issue is attitudes regarding pre-marital sex and one party (bf) feeling that their physical pleasure takes precendence over the emotional and spiritual well being of someone they claim to love.
 
Ok, then explain to me what methods he is using now that is coercion. That is what I’m not seeing.
 
Sapphiregirl said:
Ok, then explain to me what methods he is using now that is coercion. That is what I’m not seeing.
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He is giving ultimatums. He is stating that she must resume their sexual relationship or he will leave her, he is saying that he is frustrated and that OP seems to want sex so she should do it, he is ssaying that “feeling good” is more important than the morality of the action…
If you can’t see coercion in telling your partner that they must have sex with you or that they’ll leave than I’m sorry, that is very sad.
 
From my own personal experience, and from what I have seen of the experiences of others, I always feel obligated to tell any Catholic who is dating someone outside the Catholic faith that I would STRONGLY discourage it, whether the person is an aetheist, protestant, muslim or whatever. When issues of your faith, which should be the most important thing in your life, are at odds with another person’s belief system, it only sets one up for disappointment and heartbreak. While I know that this is painful to accept right now, trust me when I say that it will be much more painful later on if you pursue a relationship with this person.
 
coachkfan1 said:
From my own personal experience, and from what I have seen of the experiences of others, I always feel obligated to tell any Catholic who is dating someone outside the Catholic faith that I would STRONGLY discourage it, whether the person is an aetheist, protestant, muslim or whatever. When issues of your faith, which should be the most important thing in your life, are at odds with another person’s belief system, it only sets one up for disappointment and heartbreak. While I know that this is painful to accept right now, trust me when I say that it will be much more painful later on if you pursue a relationship with this person.
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:amen:
 
Sapphiregirl said:
Ok, then explain to me what methods he is using now that is coercion. That is what I’m not seeing.
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She wants the relationship, badly, more than he does. He sees that, and is using the threat of a breakup as a “persuader” to get sex from her.

She is not being altogether coerced, because she can say no, but given the emotional involvement, this is psychological coercion.

ICXC NIKA
 
Interesting discussion. I guess I take a more moderate view than Sapphiregirl, but I can see where she’s coming from.

Saying that he is willing to wait a year may or may not be coercion. It depends on what context he said it in, how he said it, and what exactly he meant by it. We don’t have enough information to know. If she was sobbing and begging him to stay with her and he said she had one year to put out or he was gone with the intent of manipulating her in to bed with him, well then clearly that is a problem.

If they were having a calm and respectful discussion about their values and what they want in a relationship and he said something along the lines of “I’m sorry, but I just don’t feel that way. I love you but I am not comfortable making a lifelong commitment to you when this issue is acting as a wedge between us. Why don’t we play this by ear and see how we feel as things progress over the next year. If we are still in this same position next year we’ll cut our losses and move on.” Well, that’s a bit different.

I would not be in a serious relationship with someone who wouldn’t have sex with me. I wouldn’t use that fact to force them to have sex if they didn’t want to, but it is a deal breaker for me. If I really felt a connection to someone I may even wait a year to see how the relationship evolves. But I could not commit to someone who would withhold themselves like that. I would view a marriage proposal as dishonest if a man said that he loved me and wanted to share his life with me but wouldn’t even share his body. That’s my view, and most devout Catholics would completely disagree with that and find it abhorrent. And that’s, I understand and respect that view, which is why…

I DON’T DATE THEM!

Values are the most important thing in the world, no matter what religion you are. That’s why you should always strive to find someone who shares yours.
 
👍
GEddie said:
She wants the relationship, badly, more than he does. He sees that, and is using the threat of a breakup as a “persuader” to get sex from her.

She is not being altogether coerced, because she can say no, but given the emotional involvement, this is psychological coercion.

ICXC NIKA
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I only saw a few of the comments but will toss this out.
  1. A person should be perfectly happy to marry if for some reason theres no sex at all, what if a week after the ceremony something awful happened? The sex would have nothing to do with it to me, thats for sure. How could it, I don’t understand all these ideas.
  2. When you get married the spouse and the children belong to themselves and the relation is in their care and trust…nobody belongs to anyone unless it is freely offered, not taken…it is a giving property not an assuming , thats the beauty of it.
  3. An embrace should have the power of cracking your brains apart.
  4. Sex is the expression of whats going on mentally, there needs to be a reason for, not a reason IN.the horsing around.
  5. Don’t worry about stuff so much.
  6. If someone is not following these very normal ideas…dump them right away.
7)Being in the presence of the opposite sex where there is a potential for becoming one shouldn’t be focused on self requirement…the whole idea is in loosing yourself into the new comprehension of this interesting togetherness.
  1. If you feel like theres a problem and someone is not reciprocating, your probably right and time to give someone else a chance, that someone could be waiting…
  2. There is fear in everything we do because we are human with ego’s which is important. If you do not respect your ego properly and use it, try to enhance it, or suggest to self a worthiness by changing someone over time? All you changed is yourself in lower esteem, not letting someone grow at their own rate, which may belong to someone else. No ones in error, we all draw out different things in others. A non-match does not mean someone is no good.
  3. Never try to make it work, just express how you feel honestly. That way…guess what?
    Your not left with someone who you may not of wanted in the first place “but” got entangled with your ego trying to change someone. In short whats called a competitive relationship…There are many relationships which are competitive in many many ways. They are all disasters. Never, never, compete for idea’s , anything…Find someone who translates life similar in the key fundamentals…for example…if one believes…hey abortion is ok and the other does not…forget it…Contrasting moral viewpoint is the doorway to competing…
 
GEddie said:
She wants the relationship, badly, more than he does. He sees that, and is using the threat of a breakup as a “persuader” to get sex from her.

She is not being altogether coerced, because she can say no, but given the emotional involvement, this is psychological coercion.

ICXC NIKA
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He also knows that she was a virgin and he likely was not, so he knows her vulnerability at this point.
 
Cristiano said:
Maybe it is time that people stop taking offense at something and simply look at the facts. When I look at the described behaviors I see that the guy is probably a narcissistic manipulator. Do you go around telling people that you respect their faith and then push them to go against their highest principles? If the answer is yes than you know where you stand and if the answer is no then you are not like him and you should not take offense.
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I see you are at one with Church teaching on the question of sex. Why do you not accept Church teaching that you should put the best interpretation on the actions of another until another interpretation is proven?
 
What a friend of mine said. I don’t think I could put it in better words:

ok, so my opinion is, he has the right to continue the relationship or not. He doesn’t owe her anything at this point, even though she loves him and would suffer if he left.

And to have sex or not is her choice, and choices have consequences. There are bad consequences from her faith if she chooses to do it. Why is he supposed to sheld her from the bad consequences on his side, and absorb the damage from an ethical system he does not share? Why should he sacrifice himself for it, if he’s not Catholic?

So yes, they seem incompatible at this point. They may have to stop dating de to their differences, and it’s nobody’s fault. On the other hand, a year might be enough time to decide if they want to get married. Does any of them want that?
 
Hokomai said:
I see you are at one with Church teaching on the question of sex. Why do you not accept Church teaching that you should put the best interpretation on the actions of another until another interpretation is proven?
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I accept all the teachings of the Church and that why I have been very factual with my remarks. If you do not like facts and you want me to make absolute or generalized statements then let me know.
 
Dear OP,

As I re-read your original post, I wonder if you would tell me:

How much older is this man than you are?
 
TheRealJuliane said:
An atheist is NOT the right person for a Catholic to marry. No matter how “good” he may be in other areas, our beliefs do not mesh and this man cannot help her or their children to get to heaven. This particular atheist has already helped her to violate her Church’s standards by taking her virginity, and now he is telling her that sex is one of his non-negotiables for going forward. Meet her halfway? No, he is letting her know that he needs sex with her and expects her to come across if she wants him to stay with her. He is mocking her faith which unfortunately she is cooperating with. NOT a good candidate for further relationship let alone marriage.
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I would submit that you cannot know what is right for another person. She has free will, and is able to make her own choices. She is clearly aware of the issues.

If I read her post correctly, he is willing for try to forgo sex for one year. But he is not sure how that will go. Fair enough. They can determine if they are compatible during that period.

It is the real world with real people, RealJuliane. Imperfection abounds. Give this couple a chance to be happy and find their own path.
 
epan said:
It is the real world with real people, RealJuliane. Imperfection abounds. Give this couple a chance to be happy and find their own path.
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I’m not RealJuliane (obviously), but this is not good advice, either in life or with religion. What you just wrote essentially boils down to “well, nobody’s perfect, so why try to follow the tenants of your religion if you’ll be happy shacking up with someone?”

I’m sorry, but if you’re trying to live your faith, then you can’t throw your morals out the window for the sake of being temporarily happy. The consequences are far too grave to bank on fleeting mortal happiness - in the case probably very fleeting. She may give in to this guy, and get a few more months of “peace”. But what happens when things eventually come to a head? The fallout will be that much worse.
 
epan said:
I would submit that you cannot know what is right for another person. She has free will, and is able to make her own choices. She is clearly aware of the issues.

If I read her post correctly, he is willing for try to forgo sex for one year. But he is not sure how that will go. Fair enough. They can determine if they are compatible during that period.

It is the real world with real people, RealJuliane. Imperfection abounds. Give this couple a chance to be happy and find their own path.
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No, she is not clearly aware of the issues. She’s in her first year of college and she’s just lost her virginity to an atheist! I think from her OP, he sounds as though he’s older than she is.

You read her post incorrectly. He said he would try not to have sex with HER for a year, but he is also asking her why not, if it feels good, and if she wants it, why is she conflicted? If he really believes that sex is necessary for a relationship and he sees that she is in conflict (she says he has comforted her about her distress), then why not just leave her alone?

You think I don’t know the real world? :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
 
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