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reed987
Guest
do you have to date/marry only catholic ppl?
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Eucharisted
Guest
You can date non-Catholics, but you need a dispension from the local Bishop to marry a nonCatholic. (And a dispension of form if you wish to marry in a non-Catholic wedding). Dating leads to marriage.
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1ke
Guest
So, Reed, as a Catholic how would you propose to raise your children Catholic, practice your faith as a family, and have a unified household if you marry a non-Catholic?
It is very unwise to seek out a partner with whom you will not share the most fundamental and important aspect of who you are. It will inevitably cause friction, compromise, and can lead to the breakdown of a marriage. There are many people on this board and elsewhere who will tell you that it can “work,” but at what price? One party will always have to “give.”
The Catholic Church discourages mixed marriage, precisely because of the danger to the faith of the Catholic and future children, and you must obtain permission from your Bishop to marry a non-Catholic and a dispensation to marry a non-Christian. In order to receive this permission or dispensation, the petitioner must meet the criteria below:
- The Catholic party must promise to raise their children Catholic
- The non-Catholic party must be informed of this promise
- The Bishop must not have any indications that the Catholic will fall away from the faith or be hampered in the free exercise of their religion or the raising of the children in the faith
- The couple must be instructed on the Catholic teaching regarding marriage and the essential elements of marriage, and neither party may exclude any of the essential properties of marriage
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OLHope
Guest
Date who you want, but from my experiences from dating lapse Catholics, atheist, or agnostics hearing a lot of “that isn’t true”, “that is just opinion”, “I do not care”, “I do not buy it”, begins to have very dismal outlooks in life. Some of these men could turn vicious with accusatory statements and just slap bible quotes at you that were totally void of how our church teaches the morals from them. I do not mind helping out a lost soul, but I am growing sick and tired of re-teaching the things they obviously don’t know, at least I got through to many of them, just not enough for the long term.
I learned if the faith was not there, even if they are cradle Catholics, if I could not get them to see what was faithfully true and just, then there was no way a good stable relationship could endure. That was just one of many problems with these guys, aside from other things.
I learned if the faith was not there, even if they are cradle Catholics, if I could not get them to see what was faithfully true and just, then there was no way a good stable relationship could endure. That was just one of many problems with these guys, aside from other things.
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OLHope
Guest
I read a story about a gentleman on another Catholic site that stated he had been annulled of his marriage when he was in his fifties, as soon as his kids were on their own, stating that his wife could never accept the fact that even though they married, he allowed her to raise their kids with her religion, but said he would never leave his own, she resented every Sunday because he would spend that morning time with the lord at mass, and she couldn’t handle being second in his life. So because of the children he endured a loveless marriage for decades. It made me think, as I always try to put myself in someone else’s shoes, how, if that had happened to me, could I endure a marriage like that?
Talk, talk, talk…, I can’t stress this enough. What is important to you? Bring it up in casual conversation, see where it goes from there.
Talk, talk, talk…, I can’t stress this enough. What is important to you? Bring it up in casual conversation, see where it goes from there.
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Luvs2Learn
Guest
think about this for a moment,
Every Sunday morning where will you be?(at Mass.) Will this non-catholic be there with you? Pray with you, pray the rosary with you? Attend adoration with you? practice NFP with you? will this person help you instill catholic morals and values in your future children? Will this person **question your beliefs **or encourage them?
Every Sunday morning where will you be?(at Mass.) Will this non-catholic be there with you? Pray with you, pray the rosary with you? Attend adoration with you? practice NFP with you? will this person help you instill catholic morals and values in your future children? Will this person **question your beliefs **or encourage them?
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rciadan
Guest
Non Catholics think so differently that I have problems even having conversations with them half the time. I don’t see any reason I would ever want to date one! Thank God I have my wife and don’t have to go through it!
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Sierrah
Guest
Well I find it hard to meet people who aren’t anticatholic…including so called catholics. 
Unless they are way older or way younger then me. 
Unless they are way older or way younger then me.
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rciadan
Guest
It is not that they are anti Catholic. They just *think *diferent, it seems.Well I find it hard to meet people who aren’t anticatholic…including so called catholics.
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LongingForLight
Guest
I am married (in the Catholic church) to an agnostic (never baptised - disparity of cult). You do need a dispensation, but it can be done. It is also generally discouraged.
I would not recommend marrying a non-Catholic unless you are sure it is what God is calling you to. It is a very difficult vocation, but if you are called to it you will receive the graces you need. Note that you must make a promise when you marry outside the church to do all in your power to raise your children Catholic (including infant baptism). For this reason, I would also be very cautious about dating a non-Catholic. However, the church does not prohibit it.
If you decide to date a non-Catholic, my advice (not official church teaching): Make sure you talk about raising the children Catholic (and the promise you must make to attempt to do so), attending church as a family, and any other family religion hopes you may have early and often. Watch your own spiritual development - if your faith becomes weaker, this is not a good sign. However, it is possible for your love of God to increase in response to a loving relationship with an unbeliever, even.
Don’t be afraid to set ultimatums for the relationship, if you really mean them, especially about matters of faith. Think carefully over what family dynamic you could endure with gracefulness and love and what needs to happen for that to be achieved… Do be polite and loving when you set an ultimatum, though - make sure the other person knows you are doing this only because you want the relationship to endure, and you don’t want to waste time for both of you if the relationship just won’t work. Realize that any ultimatum you set may be refused, and if so, that means the end of the relationship.
I would not recommend marrying a non-Catholic unless you are sure it is what God is calling you to. It is a very difficult vocation, but if you are called to it you will receive the graces you need. Note that you must make a promise when you marry outside the church to do all in your power to raise your children Catholic (including infant baptism). For this reason, I would also be very cautious about dating a non-Catholic. However, the church does not prohibit it.
If you decide to date a non-Catholic, my advice (not official church teaching): Make sure you talk about raising the children Catholic (and the promise you must make to attempt to do so), attending church as a family, and any other family religion hopes you may have early and often. Watch your own spiritual development - if your faith becomes weaker, this is not a good sign. However, it is possible for your love of God to increase in response to a loving relationship with an unbeliever, even.
Don’t be afraid to set ultimatums for the relationship, if you really mean them, especially about matters of faith. Think carefully over what family dynamic you could endure with gracefulness and love and what needs to happen for that to be achieved… Do be polite and loving when you set an ultimatum, though - make sure the other person knows you are doing this only because you want the relationship to endure, and you don’t want to waste time for both of you if the relationship just won’t work. Realize that any ultimatum you set may be refused, and if so, that means the end of the relationship.
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churchsecretary
Guest
As a church secretary and a CCD teacher, I have a vantage point unlike many others. And, also as a person who was married to a non-Catholic (which was later annulled) I can also tell you things firsthand.
First, in this year’s First Communion class, (15 children) there was ONE child who had 2 parents who were both Catholic, attending Mass regularly. Of the rest, some were those with one parent Catholic, married; some were those with one parent Catholic, divorced; and some with one parent Catholic, never married (in today’s world, it happens!). My friend, who taught them (third grade in our church) has had more & more difficult times just getting through to parents about what they should wear, where they should be, what they need to know for 1st Reconciliation, that the retreat the week before First Communion is OBLIGATORY…etc., etc. One poor man, Catholic, non-Catholic wife left him, had to hunt down a veil & dress for his daughter & had no idea what he was doing. The bigger problems always comes down the road…only a percentage of these kids will make it to 8th grade & confirmation…& then, many of them never darken the door of the church again. When only one parent is Catholic, you have to be a STRONG Catholic to continue in the faith…it can be done, & I have seen it. I have seen Protestant partners become Catholics because of a strong Catholic spouse. But I’ve also seen it where the family just stops going to church altogether. As mentioned earlier, 1st Communion in our church is now 3rd grade, not 2nd…& that is because of the total non-involvement of many of the parents.
My own experience was attending an Episcopal Church for 10 years, because I backed down to my ex-husband. My oldest daughter, age 19, is completely screwed up & never darkens the door of a church (of any kind). My younger daughter, age 13, is a Catholic through & through, altar server, recently confirmed…but every third week she goes to Dad’s, & they either (occasionally) attend a Lutheran church or (mostly) sleep late.
Yes, you can marry a non-Catholic, but I really believe the old way was best…marry only a Catholic. Marriage is fraught with enough difficulties to overcome!!!
First, in this year’s First Communion class, (15 children) there was ONE child who had 2 parents who were both Catholic, attending Mass regularly. Of the rest, some were those with one parent Catholic, married; some were those with one parent Catholic, divorced; and some with one parent Catholic, never married (in today’s world, it happens!). My friend, who taught them (third grade in our church) has had more & more difficult times just getting through to parents about what they should wear, where they should be, what they need to know for 1st Reconciliation, that the retreat the week before First Communion is OBLIGATORY…etc., etc. One poor man, Catholic, non-Catholic wife left him, had to hunt down a veil & dress for his daughter & had no idea what he was doing. The bigger problems always comes down the road…only a percentage of these kids will make it to 8th grade & confirmation…& then, many of them never darken the door of the church again. When only one parent is Catholic, you have to be a STRONG Catholic to continue in the faith…it can be done, & I have seen it. I have seen Protestant partners become Catholics because of a strong Catholic spouse. But I’ve also seen it where the family just stops going to church altogether. As mentioned earlier, 1st Communion in our church is now 3rd grade, not 2nd…& that is because of the total non-involvement of many of the parents.
My own experience was attending an Episcopal Church for 10 years, because I backed down to my ex-husband. My oldest daughter, age 19, is completely screwed up & never darkens the door of a church (of any kind). My younger daughter, age 13, is a Catholic through & through, altar server, recently confirmed…but every third week she goes to Dad’s, & they either (occasionally) attend a Lutheran church or (mostly) sleep late.
Yes, you can marry a non-Catholic, but I really believe the old way was best…marry only a Catholic. Marriage is fraught with enough difficulties to overcome!!!
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Guitar
Guest
It will frequently cause friction and compromise, and setting out with the intention of marrying a non-Catholic is not something I would ever advise.
It will not inevitably lead to these things.
I have said it before on this board that no one, no Catholic of any stripe and certainly no priest that ever knew them, ever doubted that my parents’ mixed marriage was God’s will for them both. Granted, they were an exceptional circumstance - Dad got 120% support from my non-Catholic mother in raising us Catholic, and she went along with Church teaching on birth control because she had complete faith in the fact that Dad put her concerns second only to God and she knew he would never risk her health. In fact, Dad got more support from her than some men get from “Catholic” spouses. No friction, no compromise.
Your point is valid and the advice good but “inevitably” is not correct.
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Magickman
Guest
Heaven knows just how difficult it can be to find anyone at all to date, much less a Catholic person.
In my case, sometimes ten years would pass, without any dates at all.
Since beggers cannot well be choosers, I learned not to be too selective about a prospective dating partner’s religious beliefs.
For young Cathlolic marriage seekers, who intend to raise children, it probably is more important to secure a Catholic spouse.
But for those of us too old to marry or to have children, it makes little difference.
In my case, sometimes ten years would pass, without any dates at all.
Since beggers cannot well be choosers, I learned not to be too selective about a prospective dating partner’s religious beliefs.
For young Cathlolic marriage seekers, who intend to raise children, it probably is more important to secure a Catholic spouse.
But for those of us too old to marry or to have children, it makes little difference.
How do you find out if they’re Catholic or not until you start dating them? If you’re somewhere and see someone of the opposite sex that you find attractive, do you just walk up and ask if they’re Catholic or not and whether or not they consider themself a cafeteria Catholic before you ask them out?
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Kit15
Guest
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I pray that my marriage will be as nice as your parents (I’m married to an Agnostic…baptized Episcopalian). We’re off to a reasonably good start. My husband may not be too interested in his own spiritual well-being…but he does seem to be interested in mine. For now, he doesn’t usually attend Mass with me but he does do all he can to make sure I get there whether it’s attending with me when we’re out of town to pushing me out of bed on Sunday if I ignore the alarm. In all the years I’ve known him he’s never had anything bad to say about Catholicism or even organized religion in general. He’s pretty educated and is open to learning more. He seems to actually agree with a lot of the disciplines. For example, I didn’t have to convince him at all to practice NFP with me. He wanted to right from the start. There’s something to be said about being “Natural”. He’s expressed a desire to help me raise any children as Catholics. After all…it’s been such a positive force in my life that he admits to have never experienced so why deny that to his children? I can see him converting if he gets off the fence and realizes God is real. In the meantime, I’m overjoyed I have as much support as I do.
I think I’ve become a little stronger actually. I’ve been praying more often than I was at home…basically it’s mostly because of my leaving the nest and the feeling that I have to do double duty or something. XD My family really wasn’t into group prayer outside of Mass. I was taught how to pray the rosary when I reached a proper age. But no one made sure that I prayed it regularly. Prayer was pretty much a very personal thing in my house. I have no idea how often my parents of siblings pray. And they have no idea how often I pray.
That being said, It KILLS me to see young people my own age talk about their religious differences as if it was a badge of honor. “Look at how accepting we are of each other! We don’t need to date people in our own religion!” I…never thought my relationship was “special” because we were inter-faith. We saw our religious differences for what it was…an obstacle. I would never recommend it to anyone either. This isn’t an idealistic “love conquers all” situation. No one enters a mixed marriage thinking that it will all go badly someday.
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sixofseven
Guest
I am marrying a non-baptised man this year, raised Baptist. I can’t tell you how long I prayed that God wold send me a good husband and when H2B turned up I looked to the sky and said ‘Are you kidding?’. H2B is passionate about Christ but for whatever reason has not yet chosen to be baptised. As individuals we are fine, as a couple we are fine but the questions start when children come into the picture. I advised H2B of my intentions to raise my children Catholic from the very beginning of our relationship. We struggled for a while and wondered if we should continue our relationship.:bighanky: It was really hard but there was one thing that provided me with consolation, Luke 1:37 “For nothing is impossible with God.” God wouldn’t have brought us together if we can’t work this out.
H2B’s perspective is that since he doesn’t really belong to any particular church - he is a bit of a church hopper - then it would be ok with him of the children were raised Catholic, better for them to have the consistency.
God has something in store for us, if it is my future husband’s conversion (which I pray for every day) then praise be to God - but I can say for sure that if anything, my own faith has only been strengthened by H2B’s questions and challenges and for that I am thankful.
BTW, I have dated a Catholic and he was nowhere near as loving or confident in his faith or loves Christ as much as H2B is/does.
Is marrying a non-Catholic something I ‘recommend’? No not really, of course it would be easier to marry a Catholic - but God works in mysterious ways and if He thinks we can do it, then I trust that. If through my witness I can bring just one person back to the Church, be it H2B or his parents or siblings (how lovely if it could be them all!) then it will all be worth it. I accept the struggles we will face as my cross to bear.
If you are considering dating a non-Catholic my advice is to get reading!! Know your stuff so you can engage in intelligent conversations and refute any misunderstandings. And if you don’t know the answer say so…but then add ‘I’ll find out and get back to you’!
H2B’s perspective is that since he doesn’t really belong to any particular church - he is a bit of a church hopper - then it would be ok with him of the children were raised Catholic, better for them to have the consistency.
God has something in store for us, if it is my future husband’s conversion (which I pray for every day) then praise be to God - but I can say for sure that if anything, my own faith has only been strengthened by H2B’s questions and challenges and for that I am thankful.
BTW, I have dated a Catholic and he was nowhere near as loving or confident in his faith or loves Christ as much as H2B is/does.
Is marrying a non-Catholic something I ‘recommend’? No not really, of course it would be easier to marry a Catholic - but God works in mysterious ways and if He thinks we can do it, then I trust that. If through my witness I can bring just one person back to the Church, be it H2B or his parents or siblings (how lovely if it could be them all!) then it will all be worth it. I accept the struggles we will face as my cross to bear.
If you are considering dating a non-Catholic my advice is to get reading!! Know your stuff so you can engage in intelligent conversations and refute any misunderstandings. And if you don’t know the answer say so…but then add ‘I’ll find out and get back to you’!
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Sr_Sally
Guest
Well hopefully you are not dating complete strangers! 
I think we are all assuming that you will first meet this person at school, work, bowling league, through a friend or neighbor, etc. So you will meet, possibly several times, have an opportunity for conversation and to become friendly, and THEN you will ask her out. In the course of those early conversations you will have penty of opportunity to discuss religion, politics, and the weather.
I agree with others that the goal is to be married to a person who is a practicing Catholic, strong and firn in his faith. Sometimes you find someone like that as you are dating, sometimes one or both of you can grown toward that. The difficulty with non-Catholics comes more from those who are very strong practictioners of their own faith tradition, particularly those that tend to be anti-Catholic. I’ve know marriages where one partner is weak or indifferent to their own faith traditions work out better because their isn’t as much “baggage” to overcome.
All that said, it pays to begin praying for your future spouse today, whether you know that person or not. I pray regularly for my children’s possible future spouses when I pray for the possibility that they might have vocations to religious life.
I think we are all assuming that you will first meet this person at school, work, bowling league, through a friend or neighbor, etc. So you will meet, possibly several times, have an opportunity for conversation and to become friendly, and THEN you will ask her out. In the course of those early conversations you will have penty of opportunity to discuss religion, politics, and the weather.I agree with others that the goal is to be married to a person who is a practicing Catholic, strong and firn in his faith. Sometimes you find someone like that as you are dating, sometimes one or both of you can grown toward that. The difficulty with non-Catholics comes more from those who are very strong practictioners of their own faith tradition, particularly those that tend to be anti-Catholic. I’ve know marriages where one partner is weak or indifferent to their own faith traditions work out better because their isn’t as much “baggage” to overcome.
All that said, it pays to begin praying for your future spouse today, whether you know that person or not. I pray regularly for my children’s possible future spouses when I pray for the possibility that they might have vocations to religious life.
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1ke
Guest
Yes, it is inevitable.
Your mother compromised.
She let your dad raise you Catholic, she went to Mass, and she “went along with” Church teaching on contraception. Those are all compromises.
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wcknight
Guest
I dated and am married to a non-Catholic. I was a lapsed Catholic when we were dating and when we got married. We still got married in a Catholic Church (no mass) and I and my DW agreed to raise our kids up in the faith.
I would say marry a Catholic (a good devout Catholic) if at all possible. It makes things a lot simpler. Marriage is tough to begin with. Differences in faith can be very divisive.
I would say the bigger the differences the bigger the problems. SInce I was not a devout Catholic when we first got married, things were not quite as difficult, but when i came back to the Church, we went through some fairly difficult times, kids, birth control, etc
No matter who you marry, it helps to discuss (and decide) a lot of things up front, family, kids, finances etc etc. The more you can straighten out, BEFORE getting married, the better/smoother things will be down the road.
We can’t always determine who we will fall in love with, but things are easier if they are of the same faith. AT the very least their values have to be compatible with our own. Good luck and God bless.
I would say marry a Catholic (a good devout Catholic) if at all possible. It makes things a lot simpler. Marriage is tough to begin with. Differences in faith can be very divisive.
I would say the bigger the differences the bigger the problems. SInce I was not a devout Catholic when we first got married, things were not quite as difficult, but when i came back to the Church, we went through some fairly difficult times, kids, birth control, etc
No matter who you marry, it helps to discuss (and decide) a lot of things up front, family, kids, finances etc etc. The more you can straighten out, BEFORE getting married, the better/smoother things will be down the road.
We can’t always determine who we will fall in love with, but things are easier if they are of the same faith. AT the very least their values have to be compatible with our own. Good luck and God bless.
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Kit15
Guest
What marriage DOESN’T involve compromise of some kind? Matters of faith are not the only thing that could be compromised. Career is a major factor in my marriage. DH is the primary breadwinner and has the degree that will earn more than I will ever get. I am willing to drop my career, leave the state where my entire family lives, and relocate across the country if his job takes him elsewhere just like my mom did when she got married. But just because I’m willing to do so doesn’t mean it’s not a compromise.
I admit I’m a little taken for a loop with this one. While I see it still fits your original point I fail to see it as a negative. In this instance it was the *unbeliever *who made the compromise and decided to engage in more Catholic practices. So many end up going the other way and it’s the Catholic party that compromises. This marriage brought her closer to the Catholic Church than she probably would have if they never married. Is this really a BAD thing?
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