Dating as a Catholic....Help!

[Gorillaman]

Yup. But, I take issue with the following:

That sounds like you’re saying it’s okay to lust with the eyes.

(I have no problem with saying “behave as a gentleman” though. That’s good advice for any man.)

God Bless.
-Derrick

I’m sorry, I really didnt mean it like that…at all. My apologies guys.

 

[kelvinf]

I didn’t interpret that post the same way. It sounded to me like Kevin F was warning her that just because a man happens to be a virgin in the sense of no genital contact, that doesn’t mean that he is pure. It’s a good start, there’s no doubt, but it is absolutely true that some men are virgins not out of purity, but because they prefer sexual deviancies such as pornography, masturbation, etc. It is something to be aware of and I think it is absolutely correct that seeking a virtuous and chaste man (perhaps even one who wasn’t always so but has repented) is far more desirable than seeking a man that is a virgin as narrowly defined as a man who has not had genital contact with a living, human female.

Thank you!

I complete agree with you!

When you start any search, you start with something broad - here, virginity. Once you have that part down, which is very important, then you can focus on the other things. Why should this young woman have to lower her standards just because there are some guys out there who are addicted to pornography? No, keep your standards high! There’s a reason God gave them to you! He’ll lead you to the perfect man for you if that’s what His plan is.

I am not in any way suggesting that she should lower her standards, but rather broaden it. Virginity does not equate to chastity and some people just believe in getting married to virgins. I wouldn’t necessarily call that a high standard.

 

[Chevaleresse]

I am not in any way suggesting that she should lower her standards, but rather broaden it. Virginity does not equate to chastity and some people just believe in getting married to virgins. I wouldn’t necessarily call that a high standard.

This annoys me to no end. Whenever someone foolishly mentions virginity, people always seem to jump on them with these inane “virginity isn’t the only aspect” comments. It’s one part of the person they are seeking, not the whole of their being. Please, give her some credit. She understands there are guys who are virgins simply from lack of opportunity, not out of chastity. We get that. Really, we do. But those guys are the exception to the rule. And a very rare exception given the current cultural climate.

 

[kelvinf]

This annoys me to no end. Whenever someone foolishly mentions virginity, people always seem to jump on them with these inane “virginity isn’t the only aspect” comments. It’s one part of the person they are seeking, not the whole of their being. Please, give her some credit. She understands there are guys who are virgins simply from lack of opportunity, not out of chastity. We get that. Really, we do. But those guys are the exception to the rule. And a very rare exception given the current cultural climate.

Well, she spoke just of virginity and sex. But maybe she was just citing an example. I prefer the broader term chastity. She does deserve all the credit if she is referring to being chase!

I know for sure that there are those who find some pride in virginity. I don’t see why a good repentant Christian shouldn’t be considered a potential spouse.

 

[LotusCarsLtd]

However, this does not change the fact that I am having trouble finding a Catholic man who does not demand sex on the third date. I’m starting to fear that I’m destined to remain single all my life.

Does anyone have any advice on how to meet someone who isn’t controlled by their nether regions?

Oh trust me, we exist (I’m single!) The biggest problem, especially for me, is that we also struggle to find holy Catholic women.

In my experience, most of the women I meet who ARE faithful are either already married, engaged, or dating, or they simply aren’t interested in me. That makes the work that much harder.

 

[chevalier]

I’m a 27-year-old Catholic and I’m determined to remain a virgin until marriage. So far I haven’t had a problem attracting any men. The problem is maintaining the relationship. The moment a man finds out that I’m a virgin or that I am waiting until marriage to have sex, they immediately run off…sometimes literally. Lol.

Two words: good riddance. Actually, it’s possible some of those men think don’t think too highly of themselves (may be humble enough to see their own shortcomings) and think they don’t want to spoil someone pure or don’t want someone without baggage to have to put up with theirs. That would speak to their credit. But honestly, if there’s a guy who will think less of you or consider you less attractive because you’re a virgin, then that guy is not a guy I believe you should concern yourself with.

I tried the obvious route of looking for a potential boyfriend at church, but the men are either married or they expect premarital sex.

Give them a wide berth and I mean it. Alcohol, depression, loneliness, these things change our resolve and while we think ourselves strong, we may end up falling if we aren’t careful. It’s easier to avoid temptation than to defeat it.

Online dating hasn’t been helpful either as a lot of these men that I’ve come across are not honest about even basic things about themselves such as their age.

Sigh. I’m a criminal law scholar specialising in the benefit of doubt. I probably really shouldn’t be generalising and saying that those people are no good. So I won’t. But you should probably stick with people who are more honest than that. For your own good. It might even be better for you to stay single than to marry a person with a serious problem with honesty, I think (this is just my opinion, I may be wrong).

Still, the most dangerous type of men I’ve come across are the ones that seem a bit too thrilled that I’m a virgin; their goal is simply to deflower me.

You need to de-contact them.

They see me nothing more than a challenge. God has fortunately blessed me with good intuition so I can quickly figure out someone’s intentions and avoid the men who are nothing but wolves in sheep’s clothing.

I don’t want in any way to suggest that you let your guard down. Not at all. But at the same time please be careful with attributing too detailed bad motivations or intents to people on too shaky grounds. Sometimes someone’s behaviour is a little odd for an explicable reason or the reason is just not as bad as we’d think, and we still end up accusing that person of a lot of things. I have a bit of a problem here because I can generally sense things a lot earlier than I can prove them.

However, this does not change the fact that I am having trouble finding a Catholic man who does not demand sex on the third date. I’m starting to fear that I’m destined to remain single all my life.

Similar here, though I’m a man, not a woman. You just need faith, faith and faith. But you also need the best strategies and tactics you can get if you can help it. Just don’t obsess about them.

Does anyone have any advice on how to meet someone who isn’t controlled by their nether regions?

Yes, you may want to take some active precautions. For example, if you notice that a certain look or manner of speaking or some other aspect of looks or behaviour is making men think with the wrong part of their body, you may want to cut that one out (even if you’re think it’s innocent). I’m not saying a pure girl needs a study of the darker areas of men’s sexuality but if you receive feedback from reasonable people (parents, friends, young children who don’t know better than being honest with people), then I’d give it some thought. Obviously, if. I am in no way implying that there is any such thing! (For some young people (who feel the need to be attractive physically and confirm it via visible results) giving up this or that “hot” item of apparel or act may feel very difficult but peace (both from the wrong men/women and peace of conscience) is worth more than that.)

I think wardrobe that isn’t specifically meant to be sexy but at the same time is not obviously 1890 wardrobe should already have a filtering effect on a modern hypersexualised person (a person dressing the way I mentioned should probably appear boring or frigid to someone who expects to find another person “with needs”). This is exactly how I dress, for the record. It’s still possible for a woman to think I’m handsome or somewhat better than that, but it’s practically impossible for a normal woman to think I’m a “hot item” in the wrong way of hot. Which is precisely how I want it to be. I constantly work on my method of acting and speaking to progress in the right direction as opposed to the wrong direction, and I’d hope this also tends to attract the “good” women more and the “bad” women less (quotation marks used for a reason but I don’t want to get too crazy about political correctness with watery phrasing).

You may need to hang around in dedicated Catholic or at least Christian crowds. Even there there might be trouble (I know something about this one) but the chance is higher than out in the streets. You may also need to learn to guard your heart when you notice yourself falling for a guy you have reservations about (e.g. considering his conduct or outlooks). This is a thing I have some trouble with, personally (tend to focus too much on the good sides but eventually ignore the bad sides because of attraction while I’m deluding myself that it’s about seeing good things in a person).

I also generally tend to keep my surroundings aware of my views on life and relationship morality (tastefully, when appropriate but using the opportunity), which should generally convey the message to any potentially interested part for due examination before making a move, so a wide category of people will just not make that move. This could be trickier for a woman for a number of reasons, some of which you mentioned in your post.

 

[Luvz2travel]

I can’t really offer any advice because I tried everything that has suggested a while ago. joined church groups, catholic website, kept myself busy. Still no luck either my last boyfriend cured me of even looking anymore. I’m resigned to singlehood it’s not so bad. Sure it gets lonely from time time but at least I’m not in a bad relationship and completely miserable. We are not promised happiness in this life after all only the next life.

 

[Kasenka]

Hey,
Just wanted to tell you that you’re not alone. I have had the exact same experience with dating (including men literally running away) and I’m 25 and still single. I’ll be praying for ya!

 

[JoeofCupertino]

I think the issue that Ive seen and experienced the most is the desire to have the perfect match. I have one aunt that is in her mid ninties and never was married because she was too picky on the type of man she wanted.

Now, I am not saying to compromise on morals. What I am saying is that the vast majority of people fall into the average category. The rest are outliers on either side. This means that once you start venturing too far off, you will be searching for a needle in a haystack.

Its ok to desire a good Catholic spouse. This should leave you with plenty of people in the average area. When you start adding things on top of that and start falling for people that have some of those things but not the good values, you run into issues. To find a good Catholic spouse that has the looks, personality, lifestyle, etc you think are important and necessary in a spouse, you exclude a large portion of good Catholics. No dating site or volunteer group is going to help you find a needle in the haystack.

What singles need to realize is that of they want a good Catholic spouse, it may be better to drop certain requirements and focus on what may be good spouses. You are more likely to find a good fit amongst a larger pool than a perfect fit amongst a tiny pool.

Ive been on all the major Catholic dating sites. What I see the most from profiles drove me away from approaching or trying is the unrealistically high and unattainable expectations that I could never live up to. I may be a tall man but I am not perfect in every way and have my quirks and faults. Im not surprised these girls have been single for so long.

I see it from Catholic guys as well. You can pretty much say that singles on both sides demand a lot but forget that what they want may not even be possible. Your options are to find someone from the supply that is there or simply be happy being single.

There are plenty of good and faithful Catholics in the dating field. The issue is working with what God has given to us. That guy or girl may not be perfectly attractive or have the great personality or intelligence but maybe they are a good person and will make a good husband or wife. It all just depends on what is most important to you in life.

 

[joshvanrad]

Dating is a taxing experience. I have essentially gave up on it and left it in God’s hands. It’s easiest that way.

Keep that V-card intact and shoe off those boys who just want a “play date”. There are probably more of the bad than there are good, but it will only take one of the good guys to end the searching.

 

[Byrnwiga]

…] it will only take one of the good guys to end the searching.

That I think is the crux of the issue: the whole point of searching is to “narrow the field”. Their bad behaviour (quite shameful, in fact) only helps you make your decision in my mind (by eliminating themselves). Frankly, I’d have fewer doubts about marriage and suitability if just a few people (or one person) met my expectations as opposed to thousands. Best of luck (and prayers) .

-Byrnwiga

 

[Margarete_Faust]

Hi Rosalie!

I just want you to know that you are not alone. I am almost 25 and still single, and while I am still a virgin, I have been by no means chaste. You are better off single and chaste than you would be by lowering your standards for someone who will take advantage of you and just leave later. If you lower your standards, but still won’t go the whole way, the men will still run, because any man who is looking for that much of a commitment before marriage is only serving himself, and not you. I am not saying you are even tempted to give in; I am only giving a helpful warning in case the wait becomes too stressful for you.
These things really do affect our relationship with God, and I can say from experience that I regret ever having had a single thought that put a boyfriend on a level higher than that of my Lord. He will give you the love you deserve.