Dating is an Abomination

[OutinChgoburbs]

I smell baiting…I also think to come onto CAF with a grand total at present of 6, count 'em, six posts to one’s name and make such a pronouncement when the Church has **not **said this borders on serious well beyond the simple matter of to date or not to date.

 

[Norseman82]

that, if God calls you to marriage, your prospective spouse is indeed the one and only person God has willed for you to marry since the beginning of time?

And just where is THAT in OFFICIAL Catholic teaching? The CCC indirectly refers to our right to choose our spouses, and directly states that the vocation to marriage was written into our very nature by God.

Please back up what you say with OFFICIAL CHURCH TEACHING or refrain from posting what could potentially be heretical.

 

[Nanny_PK]

Not only is dating without the intention of marriage an abomination, but dating with the intention of marriage is also an abomination. Christian Marriage: A Guide for Young People says that “Wide experience in dating is still considered favorable to intelligent mate selection.” (Rev. Thomas E. Langer, M.A., p. 62). I see elsewhere, too, that Catholic single men and women are encouraged to date as a part of the discernment process, and if God calls them to marriage, they are encouraged to date so that they understand how to select a suitable spouse.

Why has dating seemingly replaced prayer

1. 
   *]as a part of the discernment process?
   *]that, if God calls you to marriage, your prospective spouse is indeed the one and only person God has willed for you to marry since the beginning of time?
   
   It seems that dating has become a form of prayer—a way of asking God what His unwavering will is for you. Selecting your life’s vocation should be rooted in prayer with God, the Trinity, Logos; not in all the transient emotions and feelings associated with dating.

1. 
   I agree that dating for the sake of dating is not ideal, when I was in high school, most of my friends went on “dates” without any romantic interest. There was a group of us that were friends. We kind of shifted the dates around – would go to homecoming with this friend, went to prom with this one, and then my best friend would usually go to those same events with one of the other guy friends in our group.
   
   As I grew older, I did date – not necessarily with marriage in mind but open to God’s plan for me. Last year I met a men on Ave Maria Singles and we’ve been talking since then. I think there’s great potential there; but again, that’s up to God and His plan for us.
   
   I think young people do need to have prayer in their daily life and they also need to get out and explore the world a little, meet new people. If they don’t do that, how is God going to introduce them to their future spouse – have him deliver pizza to the door?

 

[ComputerGeek25]

I think the premise, as others have stated, is silly.

It’s like saying, God will provide for all my needs so I don’t ever have to get out of bed every morning!

I find it ironic that some people want to get married, however put more effort into their careers, schooling, material good sand hobbies than they do in finding a potential mate. They then use the excuse of “God will drop Mr/Mrs Right in my lap with no effort at all!”

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I think the premise, as others have stated, is silly.

It’s like saying, God will provide for all my needs so I don’t ever have to get out of bed every morning!

I find it ironic that some people want to get married, however put more effort into their careers, schooling, material good sand hobbies than they do in finding a potential mate. They then use the excuse of “God will drop Mr/Mrs Right in my lap with no effort at all!”

Or drop the intended party off on a white horse…

 

[Lady_Bug]

I think I saw somewhere in the original post, the implication that wide experience in dating means dating multiple people before you finally settle down with one person.

For me that is a tough one to digest, simply because I’m 28 and have never dated or had a boyfriend. Sometimes one relationship can last for some time, only to break up. And there can a big gap between the breakup of that relationship and finding someone else. And that next relationship may not work out either. In the process, years go by and you wonder if you’ve wasted them or not.

I kind of wish I could be one of those rare(?) people who marry their first boyfriend. Because I don’t think I have enough years left to be going through a string of failed relationships anymore. Considering how much having a family means to me.

Sorry if this seems too naive or anything.

 

[Norseman82]

I find it ironic that some people want to get married, however put more effort into their careers, schooling, material good sand hobbies than they do in finding a potential mate. They then use the excuse of “God will drop Mr/Mrs Right in my lap with no effort at all!”

Unfortunately, it doesn’t help when people in the church - indeed this very forum - are advocating that position:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=222561

 

[Geremia]

Well Geremia, I will certainly give you this, “You definitely have me confused”. Wherever did you get such an idea? I seriously would like to know. Was it in the book “Christian Marriage - a Guide for Young People”?

No, it is a very good book.

Now I know there is a mutual attraction between male and female, but when I was in my dating years, I would never have thought that every date I had would possibly end up in marriage. That would have, as some say today, " totally freaked me out". My friends and I started dating in our teens. We felt we had a lot of living to do before taking on the responsibilities of marriage. We dated for friendhship, companionship and I will admit we had the occasional “dream” of marriage. But with college in the future for some, or armed services for others, marriage was not on our minds. I got married when I was 25. And now I think that may have been too young.

The problem I have with dating is that it is basically like trying marriage out for awhile. You have a boyfriend or girlfriend for awhile, then you break up with him or her, then you have another boyfriend or girlfriend again, then you break up again. How you are before marriage is how you will be after marriage. Having a different boyfriend or girlfriend every so often before marriage develops the habit that after marriage you may desire a new husband or wife, i.e. divorce. There are many other ways of getting to know the opposite sex; one must not be “going steady” without intention of marriage in adolescence.

Our misunderstanding may be due to the definition of “to date.”

 

[Belgarion]

Perhaps you’re referring to “Hooking up”

Which is just going out for the sake of physical…er…attraction…and that’s all it is. Nothing more.

 

[Geremia]

Well, I met, befriended, dated and married my husband while we were at college, both living a long distance from our families. We were already engaged by the time I’d met any of his family or he mine.

Does that make us abominable?

Of course not!

Actually, that brings up a funny story. The first time my husband went to confession and spiritual direction after we started going out, he dropped by later that same evening. With a very serious look on his face, he said, “You DO think the purpose of dating is to find the person you’re going to marry, right?” In all honesty, I’d never thought about it in those terms before, but it made perfect sense, so I said, “Um…yeah…sure…” No beating around the bush there-- we’d been “going out” all of five days and he springs that one on me. We got engaged within about three months…

Your husband approached dating the way it should be. That he thinks thought that way makes me believe he understands the seriousness of marriage and has a good prayer life. The sort of dating I consider an abomination is when the two people use each other for pleasure only, without any thought that God may call them to be husband and wife in the future.

I’m wondering if I’m misunderstanding something here.

Do you mean that everyone should pretty much hunker down in lives of monastic solitude and prayer until they have absolutely, definitively ruled out a vocation to the priesthood or religious life?!??

No, I mean prayer should be the foundation of discerning your life’s vocation.

 

[LJN21]

The problem I have with dating is that it is basically like trying marriage out for awhile. You have a boyfriend or girlfriend for awhile, then you break up with him or her, then you have another boyfriend or girlfriend again, then you break up again. How you are before marriage is how you will be after marriage. Having a different boyfriend or girlfriend every so often before marriage develops the habit that after marriage you may desire a new husband or wife, i.e. divorce. There are many other ways of getting to know the opposite sex; one must not be “going steady” without intention of marriage in adolescence.

Our misunderstanding may be due to the definition of “to date.”

Uhh… Hon…

Dating is NOTHING even remotely comparable to marriage. The point of dating is to find someone your compatible with to marry, you brake up because your not compatible. The number of boyfriend/girlfriends (assuming you dating chastely) you have really has NOTHING to do with how your marriage is going to be.

 

[Nanny_PK]

Or drop the intended party off on a white horse…

Yeah, I waited a long time for that dang white horse. Only saw him in those trashy romance novels

 

[Geremia]

To me it’s like getting casual or short-term work experience at a firm I may never intend to work for permanently. Would you say that to do so is pointless? I beg to differ, the experience I get there will make me a much better worker at wherever I end up permanently. And the firm I’m with casually or short-term gets a lot of good work out of me while I’m there, so they benefit too.

This is starting to sound like some people’s justification of cohabitation. Are you saying the more people of the opposite sex you experience closely, the more experience you will have with the one and only person you will marry for the rest of your life? God’s grace, conferred by the sacrament of marriage, is what makes marriage possible, not how much experience we have with the opposite sex.

 

[ComputerGeek25]

Uhh… Hon…

Dating is NOTHING even remotely comparable to marriage. The point of dating is to find someone your compatible with to marry, you brake up because your not compatible. The number of boyfriend/girlfriends (assuming you dating chastely) you have really has NOTHING to do with how your marriage is going to be.

And there is nothing inherently wrong with having dated many people. Some people just take longer than others, have bad luck, look for love in all the wrong places, and so forth

 

[Belgarion]

Uhh… Hon…

Dating is NOTHING even remotely comparable to marriage. The point of dating is to find someone your compatible with to marry, you brake up because your not compatible. The number of boyfriend/girlfriends (assuming you dating chastely) you have really has NOTHING to do with how your marriage is going to be.

In this day and age?

right.

To the rest of the world, people will just be “Going steady” or “seeing someone”
They’d be sleeping together, and perhaps even living together.
Sometimes even children enter the mix.

So dating has become like marriage to the rest of the world. And when breakups happen, its like a divorce.

However, yes. Dating chastely is different. But even then, if you aren’t mature enough to see that things aren’t working out, then that can also be like a mini-divorce.
The number of people you date isn’t a big deal, though.

 

[ComputerGeek25]

This is starting to sound like some people’s justification of cohabitation. Are you saying the more people of the opposite sex you experience closely, the more experience you will have with the one and only person you will marry for the rest of your life? God’s grace, conferred by the sacrament of marriage, is what makes marriage possible, not how much experience we have with the opposite sex.

So, the first person I dated I should have married? And it does not justify cohabitation by any stretch of the imagination…

To most normal people I know, dating is used to get to know people, and to grow closer (castely obviously) to discern whether the other person will make a good mate. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t. If it works out, great. If it doesn’t (and I think this is what LilyM is getting at) is to use it as a learning experience to grow (learn from your mistakes)

 

[Geremia]

I think the premise, as others have stated, is silly.

It’s like saying, God will provide for all my needs so I don’t ever have to get out of bed every morning!

I find it ironic that some people want to get married, however put more effort into their careers, schooling, material good sand hobbies than they do in finding a potential mate. They then use the excuse of “God will drop Mr/Mrs Right in my lap with no effort at all!”

I think you might underestimate the power of prayer. It involves work like what this other poster said:

It’s when you combine the preparation AND the prayer - when you ora (pray) ET labora (AND work) as St Benedict said - that you have the best results.

 

[LJN21]

This is starting to sound like some people’s justification of cohabitation. Are you saying the more people of the opposite sex you experience closely, the more experience you will have with the one and only person you will marry for the rest of your life? God’s grace, conferred by the sacrament of marriage, is what makes marriage possible, not how much experience we have with the opposite sex.

Dating <> Fornication

You better know the person you marrying, you better spend many many hours talking about money, kids, faith, morals. God’s grace in marriage only helps if your both open to it, if you marry a creep cause you didn’t spend the time to know get to know them its not going to help your marriage much.

 

[LJN21]

In this day and age?

right.

To the rest of the world, people will just be “Going steady” or “seeing someone”
They’d be sleeping together, and perhaps even living together.
Sometimes even children enter the mix.

So dating has become like marriage to the rest of the world. And when breakups happen, its like a divorce.

However, yes. Dating chastely is different. But even then, if you aren’t mature enough to see that things aren’t working out, then that can also be like a mini-divorce.
The number of people you date isn’t a big deal, though.

That doesn’t mean the idea of “dating” is necessarily flawed. That just means the world is a sick place. Yes I agreed courting is probably a better (read:safer) way to go about it, plenty of people date chastely though.

 

[ComputerGeek25]

I think you might underestimate the power of prayer. It involves work like what this other poster said:

I don’t underestimate the power of prayer and the sacraments. However to take a pure “blind faith” approach without taking any action to make yourself available is foolish.