Dating, Part 2

[chevalier]

Dating seems complicated. Since I am looking ultimately towards marriage, I don’t quite want to be entangled into a “long term” relationship… does that make sense?

It doesn’t unless you mean you don’t want to be entangled in a prolonged relationship you don’t feel particularly confident about. You will eventually need to get engaged and go through marriage prep, at which point you will necessarily be in a long-term relationship.

You’ll need to explain what you mean by ‘long term’ and ‘short term’ here, in terms of concepts (not length of timeframes).

 

[Aperson2013]

It doesn’t unless you mean you don’t want to be entangled in a prolonged relationship you don’t feel particularly confident about.

This is approximately what I mean. I don’t want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. I believe it is a free choice to love somebody, and that external circumstances alone do not dictate who I marry. My friends seem to fall in and out of relationships, and think that just because it “lasts” a while, it must be a good thing. They think if they stay together long enough, they should get married. It appears to be a numbers game; a game I do not wish to play.

You will eventually need to get engaged and go through marriage prep, at which point you will necessarily be in a long-term relationship.

I am utterly stumped as to how to get to this point; finding someone I want to be with, who wants me back, who is willing to live in a holy marriage with me…

 

[Aperson2013]

I am starting to realize that I kind of like being single. I get to hang out with beautiful women, and because I am good Christian, it is not overtly sexual and thus lower pressure…

However, several women I’ve hanging out with are developing feelings for me. It’s frustrating because I like them both, but I don’t know if either are right for me.

Anyways, I think it’s going to be a few years before I can get married. I don’t believe in contraception, so I have to be honest with myself that pregnancy early in my marriage is a possibility. I’m still finishing up school, and looking for real employment. I am tempering my expectations, but it is all so complicated…

 

[CathLifeHacker]

I am starting to realize that I kind of like being single. I get to hang out with beautiful women, and because I am good Christian, it is not overtly sexual and thus lower pressure…

However, several women I’ve hanging out with are developing feelings for me. It’s frustrating because I like them both, but I don’t know if either are right for me.

Anyways, I think it’s going to be a few years before I can get married. I don’t believe in contraception, so I have to be honest with myself that pregnancy early in my marriage is a possibility. I’m still finishing up school, and looking for real employment. I am tempering my expectations, but it is all so complicated…

You should listen to the two audios I posted above. A good rule of thumb is that you should not even start dating if you could not be ready to be married within 1.5 years. Generally you should be established two years in a job and have a decent amount of savings before you even start dating. You need to be prepared that if you get married a child will come soon after.

Focus on getting all A’s, going DEEP into how to get good at your profession, saving money, and reading Catholic books on dating and marriage. Remember that the greatest cause of disagreement in marriage is money- and the argument is usually the LACK of it, not too much. And above all, work on your spiritual life- study your faith daily, go to Mass more than once a week, go to regular confession, etc.

Just don’t date at all right now. I did this when I was in my mid twenties and I am happy that I did.

Another comment: If you are not intending to date with the intention to finding a spouse- I wouldn’t go out of my way to “hang out” with beautiful women.

 

[chevalier]

This is approximately what I mean. I don’t want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. I believe it is a free choice to love somebody, and that external circumstances alone do not dictate who I marry. My friends seem to fall in and out of relationships, and think that just because it “lasts” a while, it must be a good thing. They think if they stay together long enough, they should get married. It appears to be a numbers game; a game I do not wish to play.
I am utterly stumped as to how to get to this point; finding someone I want to be with, who wants me back, who is willing to live in a holy marriage with me…

Owww, I see. Well, normally, it’s like a good deal of people simplify that and associate ‘long term’ with all sorts of bad things. Then a simple opposite follows: ‘short term’ is supposedly good. And that’s rubbish. Well, generally. Nothing wrong with seeing a lot of people over coffee or drinks and moving on if not strongly interested, but otherwise it’s like playing spin the bottle.

And yeah, it’s a good thing you realise that some relationships are glued together merely by the passage of time and reluctance to lose the investment or try something new, and that you have the ambition to avoid that. Speaking of ambition, I too believe in not being with a woman who isn’t much into me (in this way or the other, not necessarily butterflies in her stomach).

 

[Aperson2013]

You should listen to the two audios I posted above. A good rule of thumb is that you should not even start dating if you could not be ready to be married within 1.5 years. Generally you should be established two years in a job and have a decent amount of savings before you even start dating. You need to be prepared that if you get married a child will come soon after.

Focus on getting all A’s, going DEEP into how to get good at your profession, saving money, and reading Catholic books on dating and marriage. Remember that the greatest cause of disagreement in marriage is money- and the argument is usually the LACK of it, not too much. And above all, work on your spiritual life- study your faith daily, go to Mass more than once a week, go to regular confession, etc.

Just don’t date at all right now. I did this when I was in my mid twenties and I am happy that I did.

Another comment: If you are not intending to date with the intention to finding a spouse- I wouldn’t go out of my way to “hang out” with beautiful women.

I should clarify that I am in my mid-twenties and finishing up graduate school. Still a lot of work to do though getting established…

 

[Virga]

If you are a long way from committing to anyone, make that abundantly clear to any woman you date. This way they will know that you are potentially dating others and if they are looking for a committed relationship, they can end any dating relationship with you before they get hurt. This also means no “relationship” behavior with your dates, even hand holding.

I agree.

I think you’re tackling too many questions at a time.

For one, are you unsure if you’re ready to date in general? If that’s the case, don’t bother thinking about which woman you’re more interested or that you’re leading them on. Just make it clear that you are not looking to date right now, because if you’re questioning yourself, you need more time.

If the problem is committing to a serious exclusive relationship, then you also need to make it clear that you aren’t ready to “date” other than casually hanging out.

You said so yourself that you don’t want to do what others have done by jumping into relationships for the sake of it. The question isn’t shouldn’t be about whether you should start a relationship with these women or how to go about it. It’s about whether you want to start a relationship or not. I say that, because it seems unclear to me as to whether you really want a serious relationship right now. You mentioned that you enjoy being single, and there’s nothing wrong with that either, if that’s what you prefer.