Dating question

[Heaven456]

Ok, I am new here but I REALLY want some answers from Catholics as I have no one I really trust with this.

I am a woman in my mid 30s. I recently met a man I like. He had his marriage annulled so I know it is OK to date him. However, he has a son from that marriage. The truth is, I REALLY don’t know if I could get past that. He is a good man and would be so perfect if it weren’t for that.

Money should not be a factor but when I work hard to pay my bills (my salary is not the best but with some savy budgeting techniques I can make ends meet), I can’t help but think I would feel cheated if I married this man and some money would go to another woman’s kid. And then if this kid grows up and wants to go to college, well that is SO expensive how much support would he want to give his son.

And I really want kids of my own. I am young enough that being catholic we could still have a relatively large family. I always though I would do my best to save for MY kids education. Well how fair is that to this boy? All his half siblings get help for college and he doesn’t?

What are people’s opinions? Can a woman insist that her husband gives less financial help to some other woman’s child? After all, should the child’s mom not be paying half for this kid? The truth is, neither of our incomes are that high. If we were both doctor’s and had money to burn, I wouldn’t notice what he spent on his son. But we are not rich and I do notice and feel a big pinch when unexpected bills come up

Opions are appreciated

 

[griseldaalvara]

Ok, I am new here but I REALLY want some answers from Catholics as I have no one I really trust with this.

I am a woman in my mid 30s. I recently met a man I like. He had his marriage annulled so I know it is OK to date him. However, he has a son from that marriage. The truth is, I REALLY don’t know if I could get past that. He is a good man and would be so perfect if it weren’t for that.

Money should not be a factor but when I work hard to pay my bills (my salary is not the best but with some savy budgeting techniques I can make ends meet), I can’t help but think I would feel cheated if I married this man and some money would go to another woman’s kid. And then if this kid grows up and wants to go to college, well that is SO expensive how much support would he want to give his son.

And I really want kids of my own. I am young enough that being catholic we could still have a relatively large family. I always though I would do my best to save for MY kids education. Well how fair is that to this boy? All his half siblings get help for college and he doesn’t?

What are people’s opinions? Can a woman insist that her husband gives less financial help to some other woman’s child? After all, should the child’s mom not be paying half for this kid? The truth is, neither of our incomes are that high. If we were both doctor’s and had money to burn, I wouldn’t notice what he spent on his son. But we are not rich and I do notice and feel a big pinch when unexpected bills come up

Opions are appreciated

 

[1ke]

wow, i don’t even know how to respond.

I think Solomon had the right of it when he threatened to cut the baby in half as a test. You gotta be kidding if you think any man worth his salt would agree to your idea of giving “some other woman’s kid” less. Really? Any man that would agree to that is a man you should run far away from. Any worthy man that you ask that of is going to run far away from you.

Frankly, I think you need to go sit and contemplate what sacrifice and family are all about. Maybe talk to your priest too. I think these thoughts are way out of bounds.

I don’t think it would be wise to pursue a relationship with any man with children given your strong, but IMHO completely off base, feelings towards an innocent child.

 

[1ke]

Do both the man and his child a favor and walk away.

 

[griseldaalvara]

I strongly recomend you dont date this man. Not because he has a child but because you are not interested in the child. The only person here that will suffer is the the child and most of the time the man in this case will resent that the child is not welcome…

In my opinion when diving into a relationship you accept the packet or forget about it because he cannot give back the child it does not work that way.

I will say though, someday when you have a child of your own, and if you have to remarry, you will also be expecting that they accept you and the child… Good Luck!!!

 

[LittleFlower378]

I would go over the spendng habits for sure.That is a big deal in a marraige. Make sure you are on the same page as far as bugeting. Also,you do not want to have feelings of resentment for the son because of money or the fact that he is not your child. The Gospel for this week is a good help which tells us not to not let anything get in the way of following Jesus.

 

[mrs_ahs]

Ok, I am new here but I REALLY want some answers from Catholics as I have no one I really trust with this.

I am a woman in my mid 30s. I recently met a man I like. He had his marriage annulled so I know it is OK to date him. However, he has a son from that marriage. The truth is, I REALLY don’t know if I could get past that. He is a good man and would be so perfect if it weren’t for that.

Money should not be a factor but when I work hard to pay my bills (my salary is not the best but with some savy budgeting techniques I can make ends meet), I can’t help but think I would feel cheated if I married this man and some money would go to another woman’s kid. And then if this kid grows up and wants to go to college, well that is SO expensive how much support would he want to give his son.

And I really want kids of my own. I am young enough that being catholic we could still have a relatively large family. I always though I would do my best to save for MY kids education. Well how fair is that to this boy? All his half siblings get help for college and he doesn’t?

What are people’s opinions? Can a woman insist that her husband gives less financial help to some other woman’s child? After all, should the child’s mom not be paying half for this kid? The truth is, neither of our incomes are that high. If we were both doctor’s and had money to burn, I wouldn’t notice what he spent on his son. But we are not rich and I do notice and feel a big pinch when unexpected bills come up

Opions are appreciated

Wow. I think you sound really self-centered and self-righteous. It seems as though it is all about you and what you want. Even if he didn’t have a child, marriage is not going to be all about what you want. It’s about getting your spouse to heaven. You are talking about this man’s child. You don’t have any children. You may in the future, but you don’t know for sure that you will. But you already feel that you and your non-existent children are being threatened by the existence of this little boy. If he would like to help his son go to college, you may have to get over it. The child’s parents can make that decision. You really would not get much of a say in the situation. If it is a huge concern for you, discuss your concerns with him now. Otherwise operate under the assumption that he will help his son with college. That is not an unexpected bill, since you know that it is a huge possibility. And this is a child you are talking about. This man’s child. The way you refer to him as “some other women’s child” - that’s just sad.

Saying that he would be so perfect if it wasn’t for him having a son really bothers me. There is something in your post that I can’t quite put my finger on. It is laudable that this man wants to take care of his son, but it seems that you feel only resentment about it and wonder how that will negatively affect you. I think that you may not deserve this man. If you can’t accept that he has a son who will be a big part of your lives - physically, emotionally, and financially - move on.

 

[1ke]

]There is something in your post that I can’t quite put my finger on.

first time poster with an over-the-top post… that is the scent of a possible troll you are smelling.

I always give the benefit of the doubt, but i too had the same reaction as you.

 

[JoeofCupertino]

Though the post may be over the top and the relationship not advisable, I think most of us have a similar struggle at some point because nobody can be perfect. There is always some hang up but when you get married, you have decided that the big picture on that person is worth more than the hang ups you have. For me, I dont think I could marry a single mother and I dont think I need to justify why to anyone by myself and God. I think a public messagr board is a bad place to get into these kind of specifics.

 

[1ke]

Though the post may be over the top and the relationship not advisable, I think most of us have a similar struggle at some point because nobody can be perfect. There is always some hang up but when you get married, you have decided that the big picture on that person is worth more than the hang ups you have. For me, I dont think I could marry a single mother and I dont think I need to justify why to anyone by myself and God. I think a public messagr board is a bad place to get into these kind of specifics.

I do agree, everyone has a dealbreaker or maybe more than one. It is important to know our own limits in this regard.

 

[maltmom]

Do this man and his child a favor and break it off. This is his child, not just “another woman’s kid.” He and his child are a packaged deal. If the time should come that the two of you would marry you would become the child’s step-mother. With that comes responsibilities to the child. You should be able to make sacrifices for the child willingly and lovingly. If you can’t do that you shouldn’t marry his Dad. He should not receive any less love or financial support from you and his Dad then children the two of you may have together.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

If you aren’t ready to be a whole and real family with him AND his child, then you can’t be with him.

If this is a real post your attitude is despicable.

If it isn’t, well, I’m sorry I fed the troll.

 

[Heaven456]

Wow. I think you sound really self-centered and self-righteous. It seems as though it is all about you and what you want. .

NO, it is about seeing if there is some kind of possible compromise

Even if he didn’t have a child, marriage is not going to be all about what you want. It’s about getting your spouse to heaven. You are talking about this man’s child. You don’t have any children. You may in the future, but you don’t know for sure that you will. But you already feel that you and your non-existent children are being threatened by the existence of this little boy. .

Well… the sad truth is marrying a man with a child does change the dynamics. Having an extra kid in the house every second week end can cause a source of resentments for both his son and future kids. Just because 2 adults love each other enough to get married does not mean the kids have to like each other

If he would like to help his son go to college, you may have to get over it. The child’s parents can make that decision. .

Exactly, the child’s parents make that decision which is why I think the child’s mother should pay half. Not to mention, finances are a personal matter between 2 married people. Accepting a man can discuss finances with another woman is in a way emotionally sharing a husband with someone else

You really would not get much of a say in the situation. If it is a huge concern for you, discuss your concerns with him now. Otherwise operate under the assumption that he will help his son with college. That is not an unexpected bill, since you know that it is a huge possibility…

I disagree. If I end up making more financial sacrifices like not having a car and buying second hand clothes so we can pay the rent and he has a car and nice clothes all the extra money we have because I sacrificed is going to his son that is not fair to me. Should he not be the one to make those sacrifices?

And this is a child you are talking about. This man’s child. The way you refer to him as “some other women’s child” - that’s just sad…

No it is NOT sad. That kid will never call me mommy. That kid may even resent me for taking daddy away from mommy. The reality is, I don’t hold high hopes that this kid will accept me in his life. And it IS some other woman’s child. She will always be the one he thinks of when he hears the word ‘mother’. It is sad for me that this kid may never like me.

Saying that he would be so perfect if it wasn’t for him having a son really bothers me. There is something in your post that I can’t quite put my finger on. It is laudable that this man wants to take care of his son, but it seems that you feel only resentment about it and wonder how that will negatively affect you. I think that you may not deserve this man. If you can’t accept that he has a son who will be a big part of your lives - physically, emotionally, and financially - move on.

And that is fair enough.

 

[cmscms]

And I really want kids of my own. I am young enough that being catholic we could still have a relatively large family. I always though I would do my best to save for MY kids education. Well how fair is that to this boy? All his half siblings get help for college and he doesn’t?

What are people’s opinions?

Well, here is mine. I think you already know that is NOT fair to his son. I agree if you can not get past his son, it is time to break up. But I do think others were perhaps a bit harsh on you.

Look at it from the other side of the coin. Perhaps one day it will be really easy for you to boy for this child’s education as well as any other kid that comes your way. And by that time this boy’s mom perhaps is remarried and he has half siblings from his mom that are never educated. How fair is it to those kids???

Following God’s will is never a guarantee for fairness in this world. I agree with the poster that said 'Marriage is to help bring your spouse closer to heavne

CM

 

[Rainaldo]

The boy doesn’t need a stepmother. Move on, and remind yourself this ain’t all about you and your emotional needs.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Well, if this is a real post then I commend you for being honest in knowing yourself and how you truly feel. It’s understandable. You think of the kid as another woman’s kid vice an individual that you want to love and care for. But, how well this man will take care of his son with this other woman is an indication of how well he will care for any children you have together.

I won’t condemn you for how you feel- but I will say that if this is how you truly feel, than you are not a good match for this man. That doesn’t make you a bad or a good person- it’s just the reality of what you are capable of dealing with. I honestly don’t know if I could have even gotten involved with someone who already had kids.

But, as a single Dad myself, reading your post has reaffirmed my belief to stay single until my youngest is in college. By the way, my kids live with me full time with the ex just visiting them here occasionally. It would take quite a woman to be understanding and supportive of that. What will you do if the son decides he wants to live full time with his Dad when he gets older?

 

[Heaven456]

I will say though, someday when you have a child of your own, and if you have to remarry, you will also be expecting that they accept you and the child… Good Luck!!!

Well…actually, I would see the man’s point of view and if a compromise can not be met then I would understand him wanting to walk away

 

[Heaven456]

Well, if this is a real post then I commend you for being honest in knowing yourself and how you truly feel. It’s understandable. You think of the kid as another woman’s kid vice an individual that you want to love and care for. But, how well this man will take care of his son with this other woman is an indication of how well he will care for any children you have together.

Yes, I agree and that is why I want to know what is acceptable and what is not.

But, as a single Dad myself, reading your post has reaffirmed my belief to stay single until my youngest is in college. By the way, my kids live with me full time with the ex just visiting them here occasionally. It would take quite a woman to be understanding and supportive of that. What will you do if the son decides he wants to live full time with his Dad when he gets older?

Well… actually I think it would be easier if the son lives full time with the dad because they I would have more time to bond with the kid and not be the ‘weekend step mom’. Also, the kid would get use to my house rules and I would not feel resentful he disrupts my routine every second week end

However, and here is a question I am asking you as a single dad. If you did meet a woman without kids who wanted to be the number 1 woman in your life, how would you juggle being the best possible dad and at the same time making the woman feel she is your #1 gal?

I am not asking this man to forget his kid, I am simply wondering if there is a way where both me and the kid can have our feelings considered.

Because at the end of the day, even if I was very good to the kid and sacrifice a lot, I will never get to be mommy

 

[1inICXC]

Ok, I am new here but I REALLY want some answers from Catholics as I have no one I really trust with this.

I am a woman in my mid 30s. I recently met a man I like. He had his marriage annulled so I know it is OK to date him. However, he has a son from that marriage. The truth is, I REALLY don’t know if I could get past that. He is a good man and would be so perfect if it weren’t for that.

Money should not be a factor but when I work hard to pay my bills (my salary is not the best but with some savy budgeting techniques I can make ends meet), I can’t help but think I would feel cheated if I married this man and some money would go to another woman’s kid. And then if this kid grows up and wants to go to college, well that is SO expensive how much support would he want to give his son.

And I really want kids of my own. I am young enough that being catholic we could still have a relatively large family. I always though I would do my best to save for MY kids education. Well how fair is that to this boy? All his half siblings get help for college and he doesn’t?

What are people’s opinions? Can a woman insist that her husband gives less financial help to some other woman’s child? After all, should the child’s mom not be paying half for this kid? The truth is, neither of our incomes are that high. If we were both doctor’s and had money to burn, I wouldn’t notice what he spent on his son. But we are not rich and I do notice and feel a big pinch when unexpected bills come up

Opions are appreciated

It doesn’t matter if his child is your or another woman’s, it is HIS child and he will have to provide to the best of his ability for him. Once you’re married and your accounts merge, that may mean that your money may go toward this end as well.

If you keep separate accounts and he would use YOUR money for his son it would be out of place and a proper man would not do this,

Having said that, know your limits. There are a lot of implications to a mixed family, not just financial, and it doesn’t sound like your temperament is fit to face them. Personally I would have a much bigger problem knowing that I would have to undermine my future children’s sense of security and normality by teaching them that mommies and daddies can separate/ divorce and have an example of that in their own home. Plus, having to face the other woman at the step-son’s First Communion, Confirmation, Graduation and who knows how many other events. I seriously cringe and think it takes incredible sacrifice to deal with these additional (HUGE) problems aside from the “usual” ones that arise in a marriage.

 

[Lucky7]

“that kid” , “this kid”…

Yuck.

Please do “this kid” a favor and stay out of his life.