Dating question

[Lucky7]

I am young enough that being catholic we could still have a relatively large family.

If you are in your mid 30’s then chances are you will not have a large family …unless you are planning on adopting a boatload of kids (and I suspect that’s not something you’re interested in doing).

 

[maltmom]

But, as a single Dad myself, reading your post has reaffirmed my belief to stay single until my youngest is in college. By the way, my kids live with me full time with the ex just visiting them here occasionally. It would take quite a woman to be understanding and supportive of that. What will you do if the son decides he wants to live full time with his Dad when he gets older?

I admire that you are putting the welfare of your children first. You may be surprised to know that there are women out there who would not only love you, but love your children. I was the “step-mother” to two wonderful young ladies. One was in college and the other in high school. I never referred to them as step. They were my daughters by another mother. They would always introduce me as their other mother. Their mother was thrilled that their dad finally found a woman who loved them so much. I would never take the place of their mother. Now that I’m an ex they know that all they have to do is call and I’m there for them.

Even after your youngest is in college if a woman won’t make them a priority in her life then she’s not worth having.

 

[PennyinCanada]

I know a woman who gave birth to a number of children, plus adopted a number of children. On Sundays they come to church with 4 children that are not theirs. These 4 kids spend the weekends with them because their home life is less than ideal. This woman has a very generous heart, her arms are open wide, and I am amazed that she manages this household. She doesn’t feel that strangers diminish her home in some way but rather her home is richer because of it. She is such a blessing.

That son you speak of has already suffered the broken marriage of his mother and dad. Likely one day he’ll have to share his dad with a woman that is not his mother, and with children that his mother didn’t give birth to. For his sake, let the father find a woman with a loving heart that has her arms wide open and will see the son as a blessing and joy. He has already been dealt a poor hand through no fault of his own.

 

[styrgwillidar]

I admire that you are putting the welfare of your children first. You may be surprised to know that there are women out there who would not only love you, but love your children. I was the “step-mother” to two wonderful young ladies. One was in college and the other in high school. I never referred to them as step. They were my daughters by another mother. They would always introduce me as their other mother. Their mother was thrilled that their dad finally found a woman who loved them so much. I would never take the place of their mother. Now that I’m an ex they know that all they have to do is call and I’m there for them.

Even after your youngest is in college if a woman won’t make them a priority in her life then she’s not worth having.

Maltmom, but you are quite a woman.

I don’t think the poster is atypical. Kids from a prior marriage can be very disruptive, one of the factors in second marriages having higher rates of divorce than first marriages. There’s no real ‘honey moon’ period of just focusing on the relationship- straight into all the family issues.

It takes a lot understanding and selflessness to be that supportive. And I’m a bad multi-tasker time wise. It would be very hard for me to give everybody the time I thought they would deserve right now. But you know what they say: man plans, God laughs. He might just toss someone across my path to complicate matters tremendously.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Yes, I agree and that is why I want to know what is acceptable and what is not.

It isn’t a matter of what is acceptable. It is a matter of what you are capable of dealing with, you are doing the right thing by attempting to honestly assess yourself. God didn’t make us all the same, we have different talents and capabilities. Yours may not be right for this situation. God may intend you for another. Being a step-mom is a lot to deal with, and you and the Dad need to establish out front how you intend things to be to make it work for both of you.

However, and here is a question I am asking you as a single dad. If you did meet a woman without kids who wanted to be the number 1 woman in your life, how would you juggle being the best possible dad and at the same time making the woman feel she is your #1 gal?

Everyone’s situation is different. In my case it would be difficult because of the way my ex did things. Walked out on the family and kids, is content to just visit, kids in our home, they don’t go to her home, tore up her relationship with her folks as well so I have to keep them in touch/visit with her side of the family. Part of my issue is my kids have constantly assessed me as to whether I stick with them out of genuine love, or simply a sense of duty. They’ve suggested I date, which wasn’t possible until recently when my marriage was declared null, but I get the feeling it’s more of a loyalty check. Does Dad need to get away from us too? Are we not enough for him? Now that the religious restriction is lifted, am I anxious to rush into something other than them? As maltmom, said it depends very much on the woman. And I understand your financial thing, money spent on the kids isn’t available to the couple. I would want to treat the woman well- trips together, dinners, flowers etc, but I’d also want to help out my kids with stuff- trips, school, cars, weddings-- hopefully well in the future-. Resources are limited, so how do you balance duty to your kids, wife, obligations and desires. Must dos, from wants and nice-to-haves. A lot of communication, understanding and willingness to compromise is required.

I am not asking this man to forget his kid, I am simply wondering if there is a way where both me and the kid can have our feelings considered.

Depends very much on how much attention you each need as individuals to feel that way. Some folks need a lot of attention, some need praise, some like being given additional responsibility, some like thanks, some like gestures or little gifts

Because at the end of the day, even if I was very good to the kid and sacrifice a lot, I will never get to be mommy.

Yep, you’ll never be mom. They will always think of their mom as mom, with all her flaws and human weaknesses. They may be disappointed in her, or disapproving of her but they will still love her because she’s mom. But, they may see you as someone they wished there mother could have been like, see things in you they wished she had as well. They are free to love you for you, vice out of obligation for being mom.

 

[maryjk]

“that kid” , “this kid”…

Yuck.

Please do “this kid” a favor and stay out of his life.

I agree.

This “child” doesn’t need someone like the OP in his life.

 

[Just_Lurking]

I am not asking this man to forget his kid, I am simply wondering if there is a way where both me and the kid can have our feelings considered.

Been there, done that, have the T-shirt. Short answer: No. If you end up marrying this man, then you will be miserable, he will be miserable, and the kid will suffer for it.

When I was in counseling, the therapist reflected my wife’s feelings as: “This child is a constant, ever present reminder that the man you love had someone else in his life who he loved first, and who is still around.”

 

[Luvz2travel]

Ok, I am new here but I REALLY want some answers from Catholics as I have no one I really trust with this.

I am a woman in my mid 30s. I recently met a man I like. He had his marriage annulled so I know it is OK to date him. However, he has a son from that marriage. The truth is, I REALLY don’t know if I could get past that. He is a good man and would be so perfect if it weren’t for that.

Money should not be a factor but when I work hard to pay my bills (my salary is not the best but with some savy budgeting techniques I can make ends meet), I can’t help but think I would feel cheated if I married this man and some money would go to another woman’s kid. And then if this kid grows up and wants to go to college, well that is SO expensive how much support would he want to give his son.

And I really want kids of my own. I am young enough that being catholic we could still have a relatively large family. I always though I would do my best to save for MY kids education. Well how fair is that to this boy? All his half siblings get help for college and he doesn’t?

What are people’s opinions? Can a woman insist that her husband gives less financial help to some other woman’s child? After all, should the child’s mom not be paying half for this kid? The truth is, neither of our incomes are that high. If we were both doctor’s and had money to burn, I wouldn’t notice what he spent on his son. But we are not rich and I do notice and feel a big pinch when unexpected bills come up

Opions are appreciated

Well your comment about “some other woman’s kid” bothers me quite a bit. Is he supposed to dump his kid just for you that seems to be an extremely selfish attitude. How would you feel if the tables were reversed and you had a child and the father passed away, ran off or just wasn’t in the picture would you abandon your child for some man. Abandoning or shortchanging a kid who needs his dad is terrible and one of the reasons this world is so messed up. I’m not trying to tell you off here just make you think about how selfish such a thing would be.

You also seem a little wrapped up in incomes and worldly possessions. I would think on it for awhile before you all of sudden run off and have kids. Kids take time and lots of money…lots even I know that an I never had any.

 

[Heaven456]

Well your comment about “some other woman’s kid” bothers me quite a bit. Is he supposed to dump his kid just for you that seems to be an extremely selfish attitude. .

I NEVER said he should dump the kid. The reality is, that I will NEVER be the kids mom and that the kid is someone other woman’s child

How would you feel if the tables were reversed and you had a child and the father passed away, ran off or just wasn’t in the picture would you abandon your child for some man.

I would see the man’s point of view and understand there is an imbalance between what each of us are bringing to the relationship and try to reach a compromise.

You also seem a little wrapped up in incomes and worldly possessions. I would think on it for awhile before you all of sudden run off and have kids. Kids take time and lots of money…lots even I know that an I never had any.

I understand kids take up a lot of money. But I think it is much easier to make sacrifices for a kid that has been mine since the second he was conceived. But when if I did not have the mother/son bond right from the start and the kid has it with someone else, all of a sudden the sacrifices are not so easy to make

I am not suggesting the kid should be short changed in life. I am wondering if there is some kind of compromise so that both the kid and me can be happy

 

[maryjk]

I am wondering if there is some kind of compromise so that both the kid and me can be happy

A good first step?

Stop calling him “the kid.”

You could call him the child, or my boyfriend’s son or the young man or the young boy.

“The kid” sounds VERY derogatory.

 

[Rainaldo]

I am not suggesting the kid should be short changed in life. I am wondering if there is some kind of compromise so that both the kid and me can be happy

What do you think the kid should give up, and what are you willing to give up, so that you can be happy?

 

[Luvz2travel]

first time poster with an over-the-top post… that is the scent of a possible troll you are smelling.

I always give the benefit of the doubt, but i too had the same reaction as you.

Me too but regardless there are those out there who feel this way about the children of their partner or spouse sadly enough so maybe seeing the reactions in this post will at least make them think if nothing else.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Though the post may be over the top and the relationship not advisable, I think most of us have a similar struggle at some point because nobody can be perfect. There is always some hang up but when you get married, you have decided that the big picture on that person is worth more than the hang ups you have. For me, I dont think I could marry a single mother and I dont think I need to justify why to anyone by myself and God. I think a public messagr board is a bad place to get into these kind of specifics.

Bottom line it’s important to be able to accept whatever or whom ever comes with your prospective spouse or dating partner otherwise they aren’t the person for you to begin with.

 

[cshoremom]

Wow…

My thought is that if you are not willing to treat this man’s child as well as you would your own, then you need to walk away.

There is no reason for him or his child to compromise so you can continue to hold onto “your” money.

There is nothing wrong with acknowledging that this isn’t for you… But if you expect this man to make these accommodations for you , clearly this relationship is off to a very bad start.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

This is why divorced parents should not date until the kids are grown and out of the house!

The man needs her like another hole in his head. HE is the one who should stop this now.

 

[Sarabande]

Wow…

My thought is that if you are not willing to treat this man’s child as well as you would your own, then you need to walk away.

There is no reason for him or his child to compromise so you can continue to hold onto “your” money.

There is nothing wrong with acknowledging that this isn’t for you… But if you expect this man to make these accommodations for you , clearly this relationship is off to a very bad start.

My feelings as well. This is obviously not a situation the OP likes and as long as she is aware of that, she really should do herself, the man she is dating the the man’s son a favor by breaking the relationship. The person who will suffer the most is the child. I’ve seen too many people my age who have been hurt and suffered due to the attitude this OP has displayed. It isn’t fair to the child.

Parents who love their children would not want to make these kinds of accommodations and when the new spouse is pushing for these accommodations, it will create a lot of tension and possible animosity and resentment. It’s just really bad all around.

OP - It seems like this relationship is not for you. I know that some people don’t like to deal with the so-called “baggage” of children from previous relationships, so they stay away from people who already have children. For your own good and the good of that child, perhaps you should do the same. At the very least, be extremely honest with your boyfriend about your feelings for “this kid” and how you feel it will affect your relationship. He needs to know and it can least give him a better idea of what he’s getting himself into as well, so that you can both make a better decision of where this relationship is going or shouldn’t be going. Personally, if I were a single mother and happened to have the time to be dating and was allowed to date, I could not be with someone who viewed my children as such. I would really appreciate a man being honest with me and would respect him for that, saving me from a lot of time and emotional investment.

 

[Sarabande]

This is why divorced parents should not date until the kids are grown and out of the house!

The man needs her like another hole in his head. HE is the one who should stop this now.

So true. My poor god-daughter went through this. Not even a few months divorced and the father was already dating and the mother was with another man. Where was she? In complete limbo and came second while the parents made their own desires the priority. Now, she is a single teenage mother. It’s nasty and tragic.

Edit to add - I don’t want to say that all people should wait until the children have grown as I have seen families who made it successful when the parents and step-parents did put the children first, but I do think that if the adults can’t do that, they really should wait until the children are grown for the sake of their children.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

So true. My poor god-daughter went through this. Not even a few months divorced and the father was already dating and the mother was with another man. Where was she? In complete limbo and came second while the parents made their own desires the priority. Now, she is a single teenage mother. It’s nasty and tragic.

Edit to add - I don’t want to say that all people should wait until the children have grown **as I have seen families who made it successful when the parents and step-parents did put the children first, **but I do think that if the adults can’t do that, they really should wait until the children are grown for the sake of their children.

These cases are so rare as to be exceptions and not statistically relevant. Of course everyone believes that they ARE that exception, and that a mixed/blended/messed up and confused family won’t cause heartache in THEIR case. And yet, the OP has been honest here, and that is what most women who haven’t had children truly feel - that the husband’s prior children are NOT part of HER life and shouldn’t be. The kids of the prior marriage become obstacles to her “fresh” start with this man. And Daddy, wanting to keep his new wife happy, acquiesces to her demands to minimize his time and financial outgo to his previous children. Sometimes, Daddy even moves away with his new family, leaving his prior children abandoned.

No, I stand by my statement. If a divorce happens, the two parents owe it to the children to stay alone for as long as the children are in the house, and just continue to be parents. After that, go for it. You probably won’t be having more children at that point unless you pick a much younger spouse (female).

It’s not the childrens’ fault that you got a divorce, so why should they suffer?

 

[Rainaldo]

It’s not the childrens’ fault that you got a divorce, so why should they suffer?

I actually heard a guy say, “But what about my happiness?” I could have ripped his…

 

[maryjk]

These cases are so rare as to be exceptions and not statistically relevant. Of course everyone believes that they ARE that exception, and that a mixed/blended/messed up and confused family won’t cause heartache in THEIR case. And yet, the OP has been honest here, and that is what most women who haven’t had children truly feel - that the husband’s prior children are NOT part of HER life and shouldn’t be. The kids of the prior marriage become obstacles to her “fresh” start with this man. And Daddy, wanting to keep his new wife happy, acquiesces to her demands to minimize his time and financial outgo to his previous children. Sometimes, Daddy even moves away with his new family, leaving his prior children abandoned.

No, I stand by my statement. If a divorce happens, the two parents owe it to the children to stay alone for as long as the children are in the house, and just continue to be parents. After that, go for it. You probably won’t be having more children at that point unless you pick a much younger spouse (female).

It’s not the childrens’ fault that you got a divorce, so why should they suffer?

There must be something about today.

Because for the second time tonight all I can say is . . . . . . . . . . . .

I agree totally.