Dating someone my family doesn't approve of

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Before you read this post, PLEASE keep an open mind. And bear with me, it’s a long story.

I’m currently seeing a 32 year old, Christian black man. I only state that he is black because my parents are a bit racist.

I’m 20 years old. That makes him 12 years older than me. I’ve graduated from college, (completed Highschool early, was homes schooled.) I’ve had a job since I was 15 and have been paying bills ever since. I bought a car with my own money. I have a job working in the field I studied, and it has potential to lead to better work. I live at home, but have been working on moving out, trying to figure out some financial situations.

They have a problem with the fact that he’s 12 years older.
They have a problem with his being black.
They have a problem with his being Christian, and basically stated that if he was nothing it would be better. My family doesn’t like Christians, thinks they’re wacky and that they hate all Catholics and that he’ll try to convert me.

He’s a very nice man. He’s attending the school I graduated from and now work at, which is how we met. He was in the army for years and fought in Iraq. He as a successful finess personal trainer. He’s been through a lot and has gone back to school to be an artist, which is what he’s always wanted to do. (Same as me) I’ve known him about 1 1/2, but we’ve only recently become close in the past 4 months. Our whole relationship came about from discussing religion, we share some very important moral values, which we discussed when we were just friends. (We’ve even covered the topic of birth control, which he’s against and was always something I was worried about if any relationship ever got further)

I’m asking for a few things here. I want my family to get to know him but they don’t want to give him a try. They accept they can’t tell me not to see him, but have kinda taken to ignoring his name when I talk about him and are way stricter with this relationship than any of my previous ones.

One of my biggest concerns is bringing up the difference between our religions with him. What would be the important things I need to find out about the differences in our beliefs? I worry that if he tried to argue something I wouldn’t be able to defend the catholic faith properly. He hasn’t had a problem with it yet as far as I’ve seen.

**Also, how can I get my family to be more open minded to him? I’ve tried discussing everything and they ignore my words and continue with their own assumptions, i.e. he’s a bum with no money and no life. (Which is very untrue, seeing how much he’s accomplished in his past and how he’s chosen to do something he enjoys with his future. He also makes money every month from the military. I don’t care much about money.)
**
HELP?

EDIT: I also want to state that after talking to most home schoolers, it’s a natural side effect that you get long better with people older than you. I have many older friends I hang with on a regular basis. The college I attended was filled with people and the average age range is 22-30, some older and few younger.
 
They have a problem with his being Christian, and basically stated that if he was nothing it would be better. My family doesn’t like Christians, thinks they’re wacky and that they hate all Catholics and that he’ll try to convert me.
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uh,Catholics are Christians.the originals as a matter of fact.
 
TheCartoonist said:
They have a problem with his being Christian, and basically stated that if he was nothing it would be better. My family doesn’t like Christians, thinks they’re wacky and that they hate all Catholics and that he’ll try to convert me.
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You seem confused. Catholics are Christians. The Catholic Church is the Church founded by Christ.

As to your other questions, only you can decide when you are an adult and can date whomever you choose.
 
From a religion standpoint, mixed faith marriages are never easy and I always advise against them. If you proceed in this relationship towards marriage the essentials are whether or not he is open to marrying in the Catholic Church (he does not have to convert) and will support baptizing and raising the children in the Catholic faith-- which you as a Catholic must promise to do to get permission from the bishop to marry a non-Catholic. It would be ideal if he would go to Mass with you and be active in raising the children in the faith, but minimally he needs to be on board with not contradicting the faith or undermining what they are taught.

You cannot change your family, if they are set against it. You could try to employ counseling with your priest for you and your family-- I mean being racist is not exactly a Christian value (and Catholics are Christian).

Also, I do agree that the 12 year age difference is a lot. It may not seem like it now, but when you are 50 and he is 62, it will be a big difference. It is something to think about.

In the end, this may cause a rift in your family that cannot be repaired. Are you prepared for that? I mean this has implications far down the road, are you prepared to live without the support and comfort of family forever?
 
Is your family Catholic or practicing Catholic? It is generally not recommended to marry outside of the Catholic faith. How are you planning to raise your children, Catholic or Protestant? I would imagine that your family is more upset that he is black than non-Catholic.
Put aside the church differences, it is sad that people are not color blind and sadly can’t get around the color of the skin. If you go ahead and marry and have children, your family will probably reject them too. That is a burden you might have to look at if you want your family involved in your life. I worked once with a girl who married a very smart black lawyer. Her family disowned her completely. it is very sad. It is beautiful that people get around the color of skin and look at the heart and personality of a person. I do admire you for that but my concern would be the differences of faith than of color. How does his family feel about a white daughter-in-law? How have you fit in there?
 
1ke said:
Also, I do agree that the 12 year age difference is a lot. It may not seem like it now, but when you are 50 and he is 62, it will be a big difference. It is something to think about.
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I would think the age difference would present more of a problem now than it would when OP is in her fifties and potential husband is in his sixties.🤷
 
Jeanne_S said:
I would think the age difference would present more of a problem now than it would when OP is in her fifties and potential husband is in his sixties.🤷
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I disagree. I have seen it a few times, the woman is significantly younger than the man and the man is ready to retire, sell the house, move, travel, whatever, and the woman is peaking in her career as the kids are older and she has moved up in work. I have also seen a significantly older man get sick and need a lot of care from his much younger wife.

edited to add: yes, these things like illness can happen without age difference, but the life stage of retirement with such a spread could really be an issue and I have seen it first hand with friends recently.
 
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize my post wasn’t clear. 😊 I didn’t know how to phrase that. When I say his is Christian, I mean he is Christian and not Catholic. He refers to himself as just Christian. My parents are practicing Catholics. They often make jokes about protestants and their ways of worshipping. They appreciate his Christian values but I think they’re worried about how the kids will be raised and the influence his strong views of Christianity may have on me, with the difference in views on the Eucharist, Baptism in the Catholic Church, Saints, Mary, etc.

We’re not engaged. While we both believe the only reason for dating is to decide whether or not marry someone, we’re not there yet. Though I could see it working out very nicely in the long run, we get along amazingly on just about every level. We’ve been “together” for about 3 weeks now, and hypothetically if we get married, it wouldn’t be until after he graduates and our lives were settled, which isn’t until next year.

Also, my sister married a man on November who is 14 years older than her. At least we’d have more in common! 👍 Haha, but seriously, our age difference isn’t presenting any problems besides with my family. We get along just fine and hardly notice a gap. We were close friends before all of this.

I worry about my parents never accepting him. I don’t want that to happen to my family. My mom only talks to 1 of 4 sisters, so i think they don’t want that to happen either. I know they’d love him if they could look past the hard facts.

The problem with race is, they refuse to acknowledge that race is the problem, when based on things they’ve said it’s clearly a case. They blame it on age, but they got over my sister marrying 14 years older than her.
 
If your mother is only on speaking terms with one of your four sisters, well… I think that speaks volumes.
 
TheCartoonist said:
Before you read this post, PLEASE keep an open mind. And bear with me, it’s a long story.

I’m currently seeing a 32 year old, Christian black man. I only state that he is black because my parents are a bit racist.
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This is interesting. My 40 year old daughter is currently dating a 30 year old black man. I think people find that odder. But it’s really - now listen to this: no one else’s business.

Including your parents’.
They have a problem with the fact that he’s 12 years older.
They have a problem with his being black.
They have a problem with his being Christian,
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They aren’t dating him.

I doubt they would care much about his age or “Christianess” if he were successful white attorney.

You asked how to get them to be more open-minded. You cannot. You cannot ever change anyone but yourself, with God’s help. But what you can do, and all of us have to when we grow up, is draw some boundaries. You communicate this to them:

“I really like Fred a lot and hope to be with him for a long time. Maybe that won’t work out, but only he and I will decide that. I expect you to treat him with the same respect and courtesy you would anyone else, and, since I am planning to spend more and more time with him, I won’t be seeing you as much if he feels unwelcome. I’m an adult and making my own choices, so please respect me, also. I don’t want some part of my life I can’t share with you. If I need advice, I’ll come to you. But unless I ask, my relationships are simply not your business. I love you a lot and want to always be close to you, so the ball’s in your court.”

Be firm, be clear, draw lines and stick to them. As to this:
One of my biggest concerns is bringing up the difference between our religions with him. What would be the important things I need to find out about the differences in our beliefs? I worry that if he tried to argue something I wouldn’t be able to defend the catholic faith properly. He hasn’t had a problem with it yet as far as I’ve seen.
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Tell him this, not us. If he is someone you can become very close to, this will be a great conversation. If he isn’t, best to find out before you get more attached. Be open and honest and listen to what he says.

One of the barriers to true intimacy is avoiding topics or not being open because we fear difficult conversations or even relationship-altering ones. It’s okay for things to be difficult and for things to change. Risk is a point between scary and wonderful. You don’t risk, you never get to the wonderful, but sooner or later, the scary catches up, anyway.

Being an adult is about a lot of things, and responsibility and jobs and being really smart is all good. But learning to trust yourself and stand up for yourself while respecting others - that’s a real challenge. And it’s where the real growing up happens.

Your parents concern is for your happiness. All they see in this relationship is the possible problems for you. They might be bigots, I don’t know, but I think they just are reacting out of love and anticipation of disappointment in their own expectations for you. So, draw boundaries, be firm but loving, and ask Fred what his opinion is of all this.

Personally, I’m more concerned about the lasting effects the war might have had on him and wanting to make sure you know for sure everything he has told you is the truth. So my “mom” questions are: have you been to his home, met any of his friends or family, seen any discharge papers or photos of him in the service?
 
When I saw that you’ve only been dating 3 weeks, I was going to say just give it time. But when you mentioned that your mother only speaks to 1 of your 4 sisters, now I don’t know if time will suffice.

As 1ke said, you need to be prepared to accept the consequences, which might include a rift with your parents.

It’s inherently difficult to offer relationship/family advice over the internet, but I offer my thoughts anyway. :o

The first thing to do, which is helpful in any conflict, is to recognize the legitimacy behind the other party’s concerns. Your parents concerns are not totally without merit and dismissing them will not help improve the situation.

For the difference in beliefs, I have seen many instances where people have been pulled away from the Catholic faith because of the person they are dating. It happens all the time. Now, it doesn’t always happen, but it does happen. Your parents have likely witnessed the same thing happen, perhaps to children of their friends, or even to your siblings.

So rather than dismiss their concern as having no merit, you can validate it and explain why they do not need to worry about you. Show them that you take your Catholic faith seriously. Read the Catechism. Read the Bible. Go to Eucharistic Adoration, daily Mass, and Confession as often as possible. Read Catholic apologetics books. Grow in your faith. If your parents see that your faith is strong, they are less likely to be concerned that some guy is going to take it away from you.

For the age difference, this too can be a hardship in a relationship. Again, it is not always a deal breaker, but it does have an impact. Show that you recognize the potential for hardship and explain why it doesn’t fit your individual situation.
 
You said he’s Christian and you are a Catholic but you don’t know his denomination? Don’t you think you should know exactly what he is?
 
They have a problem with the fact that he’s 12 years older.
They have a problem with his being black.
They have a problem with his being Christian, and basically stated that if he was nothing it would be better. My family doesn’t like Christians, thinks they’re wacky and that they hate all Catholics and that he’ll try to convert me… Help?

From my point of view :

The fact that he is black wouldn’t be a concern for my family because we’re really open minded about that. Now may be your parents are “just” prejudiced and need to get to know him.

The 12 years difference and him being a former soldier in Iraq I would say : take your time even if you’ve known him for a while.

Personally I wouldn’t date anyone who isn’t catholic (sorry but that’s how it is for me) and I understand if your parents are concerned about that.

I know people say it’s your life, you should do whatever you want… but at the end of the day they’re still your parents and no matter what they will always be. So you might wanna consider everything involved being in a relationship your parents don’t agree with. What about if one them get sick, dies, who’s going to take care of them? what about their grand children…what about your relation with the rest of your family?
Family is way too precious for you not to consider this. Even for him it might be hard not to be appreciated by your relatives, not being treated like a real member of the family 😦
I’ve already asked but how is your relationship with his family and friends?
Does he go to church?
 
aicirt said:
You said he’s Christian and you are a Catholic but you don’t know his denomination? Don’t you think you should know exactly what he is?
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The assumption would be that he’s a “non-denominational Christian”. In my experience, it means that his church was founded by a very charismatic man who was a good speaker and unhappy in his current “non-denominational Christian” group. The idea of differentiating that way (i.e. not including Catholics as Christians) is very common in those groups.

They are hard to define–some see themselves as Pentecostal, as evangelical, etc. Most are sola scriptura with the interpretations being done by self or by their leader.

In summation, it would be difficult to determine his denomination/what he believes because those groups tend to not have any tradition or real definable dogma.

They do tend to be pro-life though! 🙂
 
Julia_Mae said:
.

Personally, I’m more concerned about the lasting effects the war might have had on him and wanting to make sure you know for sure everything he has told you is the truth. So my “mom” questions are: have you been to his home, met any of his friends or family, seen any discharge papers or photos of him in the service?
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These were my thoughts as well: You’ve only been dating for a few weeks. See if you can verify everything he’s told you is true. Also, see how his family reacts to you. Caucasians aren’t the only people capable of racist attitudes, and I know this firsthand (Iroquois and Italian descent here, so I’m biracial.) Most people in both ethnic groups were at least polite, but there were a couple of natives where I grew up who were downright nasty that I was “half white.” I have a colleague who is a black woman, and she was once telling me that particularly if a black man is considered “a good catch” and marries a non-black woman, that woman can expect to encounter a lot of resentment from black women. I have no idea how true that statement is, but thought I’d pass it along.

My own particular attitude toward race? I’m a member of the human race. People need to just plain get over our differences. My husband is of German and Polish extraction: So what? Everyone is from someplace, and has some skin, regardless of what color it is.

Religion wise, I’d like to know which church he worships at, or whether he is a regular churchgoer. Once you have a handle on that, you’ll have more to work with in terms of dialogue. I’m in a mixed marriage myself (my husband is Lutheran, we got a dispensation to marry in the Catholic Church from the archbishop.) Even though our faiths are very similar (probably more so than they differ,) one particularly stressful Christmas eve night, when we had gone to “candlelight service” at his church and then Midnight Mass at my church, we actually got into a loud argument at Denny’s afterwards over the Eucharist: “transubstantiation” (ours) versus “consubstantiation” (Lutheran.) We got kicked out when we started throwing sugar packets at each other!:eek:

It’s particularly lonely for a Catholic in a mixed marriage to be attending Sunday Mass by himself or herself, especially when surrounded by all those big Catholic families where both parents are in attendance. I’ve gotten over it, I can deal with it, but I want to warn you ahead of time that that feeling does exist.

You’ve got a lot of areas where you had better be asking some questions and finding some answers, regardless of differences in race or creed between the two of you. That’s normal. It’s called “discernment,” and you need to be able to answer all these questions to your own satisfaction, and God’s. This is the very best psychologic reason why people should NOT get intimate physically while dating–it clouds their judgment. Part of being adult, and therefore, being ready for marriage, is to have clear and sound judgment.

Regardless of whether this gentleman is the one for you, or whether there is someone else down the road, I wish you all the best.
 
Being black-- not a big deal.

Not being Catholic-- a BIG deal.
 
Let’s see…He’s not the same age as yourself. He’s not the same religion as yourself. He’s not the same race as yourself. You immediately have little in common. Don’t make the mistake of underestimating the effect of age, race and religion on a relationship. The most successful relationships are the ones where two people have the most in common. On top of it all, he’s an ex-soldier who saw action in Iraq. And he’s a fitness trainer, which I can surmise that he’s a jock. I expect to get jumped on here in this forum, which is far too PC in my opinion, but the odds of being physically abused by a black partner is much, much higher than with a white partner. Here’s a quote from Violence Against Women Online Resources: “The Bureau of Justice Statistics (BJS) reported that African-American women experienced domestic violence at a rate 35% higher than Caucasian women” This is because African-American women are living with African-American men. There, I’ve said it. I don’t wish ill on anyone of any race, but when it comes to marriage and children, whites belong with whites, blacks belong with blacks. Bi-racial children frequently grow up all shades of confused about their identity. Remove the scales from your eyes, and listen to your parents. They have your best interests at heart. You’ll get this same message from very few other posters, I suspect, but they are lurking and watching this thread and thinking “Right on! Someone had the courage to say it!”
 
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