Daughter engaged- why am I devastated?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Lovemyfaith
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
julescat said:
if the young man has character and trajectory then he should be able to answer questions about his career. no?
Click to expand...
Many of us have character and “trajectory,” but none of us can answer with absolute certainty questions about our “career”. Only God knows what our future holds, and because He knows, we can rest secure that nothing will happen to us that He can’t handle.

Many of us on CAF have thought that we had all our ducks in a row and a job that would last until we retired. Then came the recession, and the ducks flew away or got shot out of the sky. If you have the time to read through the Family Life section over the last ten years, you will see many such stories.

Only a very foolish and inexperienced young man will answer, “Yes, I have a secure job that will last a lifetime and provide a good living for me and my family.” A wise young man will give a cautious answer, tinged with a bit of uncertainty, because he knows that’s the way life is–uncertain.
 
julescat said:
so instead of studying for final exams and whatever else it takes to graduate, you think she should be planning a wedding? Not to mention all of the drama such as who is or isn’t invited, who sits where and the bridesmaids can’t agree on a dress.

you can’t be serious!
Click to expand...
No, of course not. She should find a time when there’s nothing else going on in her life. That could be, for example, after she’s graduated. Oh no, she will be looking for a job then. That could be when she just starts her new job. Oh no, too busy learning the ropes. Etc. etc. etc.

BTW, you made a few posts when you first registered here, didn’t comment at all for about 7 years and then resurfaced to make 4-5 angry and rude posts in this thread as if something here was personally offensive. That’s a little strange, makes you wonder.
 
Cat said:
Perhaps you are just a vague writer, but your responses seem quite sarcastic to me. If others disagree with me, please say so. Perhaps I’m reading more into this than there really is.

If you are using sarcasm with your daughter and with her husband, God help you. It’s the best way to drive them away.
Click to expand...
I don’t like your accusation. If you don’t like my question, my tone, or my opinions, then kindly don’t respond I have had some very compassionate replies and that is what I am looking for.

I do not want your advice due to your tone, and I would thank you not to give it.
 
VeritasLuxMea said:
BTW, you made a few posts when you first registered here, didn’t comment at all for about 7 years and then resurfaced to make 4-5 angry and rude posts in this thread as if something here was personally offensive. That’s a little strange, makes you wonder.
Click to expand...
stalk much?

I must be making sense because now you want to make the discussion about me instead of the topic at hand.
 
VeritasLuxMea said:

“No, of course not. She should find a time when there’s nothing else going on in her life. That could be, for example, after she’s graduated. Oh no, she will be looking for a job then. That could be when she just starts her new job. Oh no, too busy learning the ropes. Etc. etc. etc.”

Yep. And it’s not just her–her fiance could be between jobs, he could be starting a new job, a parent could have a serious illness or be out of work, etc. The rationales for delay are truly endless.
 
Lovemyfaith said:
I don’t like your accusation. If you don’t like my question, my tone, or my opinions, then kindly don’t respond I have had some very compassionate replies and that is what I am looking for.

I do not want your advice due to your tone, and I would thank you not to give it.
Click to expand...
You really are a piece of work.

Instead of performing a financial audit on this poor young man (who by your own admission has a good job and is in the process of buying a house, if only all mid-20 somethings could turn out that well), you should be thanking your lucky stars that your daughter found a man that is willing to put up with your attitude because he loves her that much.
 
I can’t quite work this out. They actually sound very level-headed, well-prepared, and in a better position than the vast majority of couples planning to get married!

I’m worried about your reaction - you should be happy for and with your daughter and her fiance. Smile and laugh with them. Hug them. Be pleased for them. Support them. Share in their joy!! I can promise you that NO-ONE wants to show their mother their engagement ring and have her reaction be like yours was. You probably had a point about the ring and her safety but your timing was dreadful! Going by what you’ve said in the thread, your every word and action screams disapproval of the couple’s dreams and plans and you seem determined to find fault.

They are adults, they can get married when they want. You can like it or not. You can enjoy it or not. Wouldn’t it be more fun and wouldn’t it build lasting memories, good feelings, and a solid relationship with your son-in-law to be if you were happy and enthused about their relationship? Why are you doing this?

I can’t help feeling there must be more to it.
 
I think the OP/julescat has made up her mind, and is not interested in reading advice that doesn’t agree with her, even though that advice is being given by the overwhelming majority of posters on this thread.

OP/julescat, perhaps you will accept a suggestion to go and talk to friends in your real life (not online) that you know well and trust. It is difficult to accept advice in an online forum from people that you don’t know from Adam.

God bless and help the OP/julescat in the path that they have chosen. .
 
VeritasLuxMea said:
You really are a piece of work.

Instead of performing a financial audit on this poor young man (who by your own admission has a good job and is in the process of buying a house, if only all mid-20 somethings could turn out that well), you should be thanking your lucky stars that your daughter found a man that is willing to put up with your attitude because he loves her that much.
Click to expand...
I’m trying to figure out if you’re this condescending in real life or just a board troll looking for attention. I guess your “lucky stars” brought you to a message board where you could feel superior to others by putting them down.
 
Cat said:
I think the OP/julescat has made up her mind, and is not interested in reading advice that doesn’t agree with her, even though that advice is being given by the overwhelming majority of posters on this thread.

OP/julescat, perhaps you will accept a suggestion to go and talk to friends in your real life (not online) that you know well and trust. It is difficult to accept advice in an online forum from people that you don’t know from Adam.

God bless and help the OP/julescat in the path that they have chosen. .
Click to expand...
obsess on me much? Not used to people disagreeing with you?

You sound like a spoiled child.

Go play. The adults are talking.
 
Basically the OP is concerned about her daughter and future son-in-law’s future security and happiness. This is the case for most parents.

For parents, letting go and trusting their adult children in their life choices and their life journey, is a sometimes-painful learning curve.
However we must do that, with love, respect, and prayer.

Our children’s situation is never ideal, never will be on earth, but it is their right to trust themselves to that journey.

We love them, and we help when they desire us to, without interfering, without being controlling, which is difficult sometimes,
but for the rest we must leave them to live their lives as we expected that our parents also would, whilst always, loving us.
 
Those who say in that dismissive way that the OP has already made up her mind may be somewhat veering towards rudeness and judgementalism.

The OP hasn’t stated her decision, but she has been forced to defend herself, sometimes against rudeness, and so the thread appears to have been highjacked by some antagonistic feeling amongst certain members.

We don’t know what she has decided. It’s presumptuous of us to suppose otherwise

She is going through a difficult process of adjusting her love and fears from her daughter as her child and her daughter as an adult. She will undoubtedly continue to process this difficult transition, and perhaps the more reasonable of the posts will have helped her gain a perspective that may help in that painful process.

She will continue to love, to feel concern for, her daughter but she will do her best to overcome the pitfalls, I’m sure, and I doubt she is immune to the reasonable suggestions given by some of the posters, particularly those who have gone through the child to parent, to the adult to adult process.

May god help us parents, and may God bless and protect our children the young ones whose lives need much of us, and our adult children who need us differently, yet in both cases, with love and respect.

There are many great challenging times for parents of children, two requiring enormous personal development…when our children come into our lives, and when they pass from our homes to establish their own homes and relationships.
The OP is battling with the second.
To parents, God grant wisdom and compassion.
 
Wow, how much more uglier can this get ?
We are in LENT !!! I think OP was just more than a concerned parent, who tried defending herself. Didn’t we all have a go to make it ugly :tsktsk:
All guilty parties please go to confession!
This is a CATHOLIC forum, we need to be charitable and a whole lot more during lent.

God Bless you all.
 
teetee said:
Wow, how much more uglier can this get ?
We are in LENT !!! I think OP was just more than a concerned parent, who tried defending herself. Didn’t we all have a go to make it ugly :tsktsk:
All guilty parties please go to confession!
This is a CATHOLIC forum, we need to be charitable and a whole lot more during lent.

God Bless you all.
Click to expand...
I don’t understand this at all. I’ve been part of this forum for a long time, and if you look at the profiles, you’ll see that many other posters who attempted to help the OP have been members for a long time.

I felt that the posts were courteous and helpful. Many of us brought our personal experiences with children growing up and getting married to the table. We tried to point out, based often on our own personal experiences, where the OP was walking on thin ice in her situation. Some of us brought up some concerns we have about the OP’s attitude.

What part of this is sinful? Of course it’s “ugly,” because this is an “ugly” topic that all parents will face–the leaving of their children. It’s not easy for most parents.

But I don’t see where any of the regular posters have 'sinned" in their directness. Many of us do not agree with the OP’s approach, and we would be sinning if we told her, “Right on! Good job!”

If you are referring to certain posters, I think many of us would prefer a private message where you point out specifics about our posts that were “sinful,” rather than a blanket condemnation of old-timers on CAF. Thank you.
 
teetee said:
Wow, how much more uglier can this get ?
We are in LENT !!! I think OP was just more than a concerned parent, who tried defending herself. Didn’t we all have a go to make it ugly :tsktsk:
All guilty parties please go to confession!
This is a CATHOLIC forum, we need to be charitable and a whole lot more during lent.

God Bless you all.
Click to expand...
The OP asked us all why she is so devastated. Numerous posters pointed out that she seems to be having trouble letting go, and had a set of expectations about her daughter’s life that are playing out differently than she hoped. A lot of posters also mentioned that her approach to this whole situation was likely to affect her relationship with her daughter and future son in law in a negative way. I’d guess that a lot of us posting on this thread are either married and dealt with their own kids leaving at some point, or are married and had parents who had trouble with it at some point.

I truly think that the OP is in denial about how she might be inadvertently hurting her daughter. People who post questions on here are looking for guidance, and the responses might not always be what they want to hear. That is not rude- advising us all to “go to confession” is rude and inappropriate.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top