Daughter engaged- why am I devastated?

[Xantippe]

Cat said:

“But I don’t see where any of the regular posters have 'sinned” in their directness. Many of us do not agree with the OP’s approach, and we would be sinning if we told her, “Right on! Good job!”

“If you are referring to certain posters, I think many of us would prefer a private message where you point out specifics about our posts that were “sinful,” rather than a blanket condemnation of old-timers on CAF. Thank you.”

Yep.

I think a careful reread of the thread will demonstrate that 95% of rudeness was the product of one poster in particular, who was actually backing up the OP (and may even be the OP herself–who knows?).

 

[Xantippe]

Lorelei12 said:

“I truly think that the OP is in denial about how she might be inadvertently hurting her daughter.”

Yeah.

If I were her daughter, I’d be hurt, and I"m not even that sensitive. I’d be thinking, “No matter what I do, there’s no pleasing mom. When I’m happy or have something special happening, she just pours cold water on me. Why do I even try?” This is the sort of dynamic that leads to mothers wondering why they are learning about their daughters’ pregnancies and other major life events on Facebook.

The OP needs a much better filter. Rather than pop out with the first thing that comes to mind (like with the ring or the engagement), she should learn to say the right thing (“It’s so beautiful!” and “I’m so happy your you, honey! He’s a really good guy”) on special occasions. Any reservations about safety and practicalities of wedding planning can be saved for a less emotionally fraught occasion, or when it’s just the two of you.

C.S. Lewis has an essay where he talks about the perils of “being yourself” at home with your close family. (The title is something like “the sermon and the lunch”.) He talks about hearing a sermon where the pastor preached on the glories of home life and how wonderful it is to relax and be yourself at home and after Lewis himself had just witnessed lunch with the pastor and his adult children. Over lunch, Lewis discovers that in the pastor’s mind, “being yourself” means treating the adult children more rudely than you’d dare to treat any stranger. It’s a good essay to look up. Here’s the beginning of it.

theolatte.com/2010/11/the-sermon-and-the-lunch-c-s-lewis-on-family-life/

 

[maryjk]

Yeah.

If I were her daughter, I’d be hurt, and I"m not even that sensitive. I’d be thinking, “No matter what I do, there’s no pleasing mom. When I’m happy or have something special happening, she just pours cold water on me. Why do I even try?” T**his is the sort of dynamic that leads to mothers wondering why they are learning about their daughters’ pregnancies and other major life events on Facebook. **

And we’ve read about things like that happening.

 

[mommamaree]

And we’ve read about things like that happening.

This happens to my mother quite a lot, actually. I no longer inform her of anything directly, because it always initiates her criticizing or manipulating me again. That is what I was concerned about for Lovemyfaith. She described her own responses and behaviors in her posts here, and they were rather alarming. I, too, was able for years to deny the damage my mother was doing to our relationship, until it got to be too much and I had to stop all communication. I see some warning signs in what actions Lovemyfaith is describing here, and I hoped to help her realize it, even if she might get angry for what I said.

 

[Michael_Allen]

Hi LoveMyFaith

I remember our parents were worried when we married at age 23 for much the same reasons you are worried. We were both very busy with second degrees, and additionally we were likely to be poor for some time.

That was 24 years ago. Yes we were very busy and had financial hardships for a while, especially when starting our family. But you know what - we really didn’t mind that as we just saw that as part of that phase of life. We were and are very happy. We loved and supported each other, and continue to do the same now as our children are leaving home. Young people can be full of energy and resilience.

I hope and pray,as I am sure you do, that whatever you daughter decides, her life is full of happiness and love, just as ours has been.

God bless you all

Michael

 

[Allegra]

This happens to my mother quite a lot, actually. I no longer inform her of anything directly, because it always initiates her criticizing or manipulating me again. That is what I was concerned about for Lovemyfaith. She described her own responses and behaviors in her posts here, and they were rather alarming. I, too, was able for years to deny the damage my mother was doing to our relationship, until it got to be too much and I had to stop all communication. I see some warning signs in what actions Lovemyfaith is describing here, and I hoped to help her realize it, even if she might get angry for what I said.

Lovemyfaith and her daughter, presumably, have known each other for quite some time now and it may be that her daughter has grown accustomed to her mom being a worry-wart. That’s not exactly the same as being manipulative or hyper-critical and if her daughter is used to her mom reacting to everything like the sky is falling, she may not see those reactions as a slight. On the other hand, if this is not normal behavoir for mom, she would be more likely to see it as unsupportive. Either way, if I was the daughter, I would wait to tell mom about the pregnancy until after the baby arrives!

 

[teetee]

I don’t understand this at all. I’ve been part of this forum for a long time, and if you look at the profiles, you’ll see that many other posters who attempted to help the OP have been members for a long time.

I felt that the posts were courteous and helpful. Many of us brought our personal experiences with children growing up and getting married to the table. We tried to point out, based often on our own personal experiences, where the OP was walking on thin ice in her situation. Some of us brought up some concerns we have about the OP’s attitude.

What part of this is sinful? Of course it’s “ugly,” because this is an “ugly” topic that all parents will face–the leaving of their children. It’s not easy for most parents.

But I don’t see where any of the regular posters have 'sinned" in their directness. Many of us do not agree with the OP’s approach, and we would be sinning if we told her, “Right on! Good job!”

If you are referring to certain posters, I think many of us would prefer a private message where you point out specifics about our posts that were “sinful,” rather than a blanket condemnation of old-timers on CAF. Thank you.

Hi Cat,

Reading thro’ the thread, its absolutely obvious, that OP had a big concern, but didn’t want to take the advice ! A lot of helpful advice that too. Some just cannot accept the truth of the matter. I was beginning to find the tone of this thread increasing, n thought I’d make light of the situation. The ‘confession’ wasn’t meant to insult, or accuse anyone of having sinned. Again it was to tone it down. I myself stand accused of being loud, I was echoing the very same things over n over again in my mind (didn’t we all have a go).
I didn’t think that ‘trying to make sense of the situation’ for OP could come accross as comitting a sin. My choice of words were inappropriate, & I blanketed everyone.
The ‘go play adults are talking’ really got to me. People ask for advice then insult you if it doesnt line up to what they want to hear.
I was also reading the ‘sticky’ out there, China123 put it so well.
I have been on these Forums for a while but hardly contribute, simply because what I write might not come across as what I mean. This was evident in my last post.
My apologies to all who were offended!
God Bless you all.