Daughter Friend Dilemma

[Bananas]

I have a dilemma. Here’s a bit of background information:

My husband is a doctor. We live in a small town where everyone knows everyone. My daughter is in second grade. She attends a Catholic school in which the class sizes are small. There are two other girls in my daughter’s class. I’ll call them A and B. A’s father is another doctor in our community. B’s parents are clients of my husband’s.

Here’s my dilemma. B’s mother recently commented to me that B often asks my daughter to play games with her at recess and that my daughter declines her requests saying she’d rather play with A. I am worried that B’s mother will perceive my daughter as a snobby child of a doctor who only wants to play with children of other doctors. I have asked my daughter not to play with A anymore and to play with B and B’s friends instead. Every day when my daughter comes home from school I ask her who she played with at recess. Most of the time she says she played with B and her friends, but occasionally she says she plays with A. What should I do?

 

[1ke]

I am worried that B’s mother will perceive my daughter as a snobby child of a doctor who only wants to play with children of other doctors

Mom, don’t make this about you and your fears and what you think other people will think.

B’s mother recently commented to me that B often asks my daughter to play games with her at recess and that my daughter declines her requests saying she’d rather play with A.

This is normal 2nd grade kid behavior.

B’s mother recently commented to me that B often asks my daughter to play games with her at recess

B needs to talk to her daughter about how to manage feelings of disappointment, not come to you asking you to intervene.

I have asked my daughter not to play with A anymore and to play with B and B’s friends instead.

Please don’t try to micromanage your kid.

What should I do?

Butt out.

At most, talk to your child about the virtue of friendship, about not hurting other people’s feelings, about being inclusive in asking other kids to play and not excluding kids who ask to play with you. Work on empathy skills with her.

Don’t micro manage, give ultimatums about who she can play with, and don’t make a big deal out of something that isn’t a big deal.

 

[Irishmom2]

Your daughter is in second grade. Please let her choose her own friends and not feel bad about who she wants to be friends with.

You need to learn how to answer other parents. If your child is not being mean or rude, B’s mom had no business speaking to you about this. So you don’t need to force your daughter to play with someone else. Really? You told your daughter not to play with A because of what B’s mother said? That sounds to me like it is more a problem to you what other people think than what your daughter thinks. Perhaps you should learn a lesson from your daughter: be friends with people you want to be friends with, and not people that demand attention from you as some sort of insider friendship. You should not care that she will think she is a snobby doctors kid, that is on her, not on your daughter.

 

[Bananas]

You should not care that she will think she is a snobby doctors kid, that is on her, not on your daughter.

My main concern is that my husband will lose B’s family as clients. I am afraid that B’s mother will badmouth my husband to others, and he will lose even more clients. Then we will be ruined.

 

[Bananas]

But A’s mother can be snobby. And I think A can be too. A’s mother is president of the PTO and sticks her nose where it doesn’t belong. She made certain A got a lead role in the class Christmas play and she took over the school Mother’s Day art project. A doesn’t always include all the kids in her games. I don’t want my daughter hanging around with someone like that.

 

[Irishmom2]

Your husband will lose B’s parents as clients because your daughter has other friends? Let them go then. But I think you are really creating a wild scenario that is not going to happen. If your husband is a doctor they like, this is not going to make them go elsewhere. I think you making a nothing into something that doesn’t exist.

 

[Irishmom2]

But A’s mother can be snobby. And I think A can be too. A’s mother is president of the PTO and sticks her nose where it doesn’t belong. She made certain A got a lead role in the class Christmas play and she took over the school Mother’s Day art project. A doesn’t always include all the kids in her games. I don’t want my daughter hanging around with someone like that.

This has nothing at all to do about your daughter. This is really all about how you feel about Mrs. A.

Again, your daughter is in second grade. She doesn’t know or care about who got what part in the play, or who took over the Mother’s Day art project! All she cares about is playing with the friend she cares about. Let her be a second grader already and keep the mama drama to yourself.

 

[1ke]

I’m sorry, this sounds like made up drama. Troll territory. Bananas, apropos screen name.

I’m out.

 

[Irishmom2]

I agree 1ke. I thought the same thing and have said all I would have said even if it were a real post(er.)

 

[Legend]

If no one is being hurt, teased, or bullied, let your child handle her own friendships. And, if your husband can’t keep clients because of his second-grade daughter’s friend choices…
Put it this way…I’m glad he’s not my doctor!

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I can see suggesting that your daughter be inclusive and play a little bit with all the children so that no one feels left out of the play. That is a Christian values approach.

However, manipulating your kid to play with or not play with specific people because you’re concerned about how it looks socially is a bit much. Why would you tell her to not play with A, unless A is bad for her morally? Assuming A is a nice girl, there’s nothing wrong with daughter playing sometimes with A and sometimes with B and sometimes with totally other people - in fact it sounds healthy to play with all sorts of different people.

It sounds like your daughter is splitting her play time between A and B and other than you maybe asking why A, B and your daughter can’t all play together, I am not seeing a “dilemma” here.

I also don’t think it’s helpful or productive to be micromanaging your child’s normal play preferences. Save that for when a playmate is actually a bad influence or unhealthy for her to be around.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

But A’s mother can be snobby. And I think A can be too. A’s mother is president of the PTO and sticks her nose where it doesn’t belong. She made certain A got a lead role in the class Christmas play and she took over the school Mother’s Day art project. A doesn’t always include all the kids in her games. I don’t want my daughter hanging around with someone like that.

If this is for real, and you aren’t a troll, please get yourself some help.

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

But A’s mother can be snobby. And I think A can be too. A’s mother is president of the PTO and sticks her nose where it doesn’t belong. She made certain A got a lead role in the class Christmas play and she took over the school Mother’s Day art project. A doesn’t always include all the kids in her games. I don’t want my daughter hanging around with someone like that.

The kid is 7, hardly more than a baby. She’s not a caddy mean girl in later high school. Stop projecting and let the kid make her own friends.

 

[Elizabeth3]

The only child you are responsible for is your own. If it’s true that A’s mother can be snobby and you are also seeing this reflected in A (and you will have to discern whether this is normal 7 yr old behavior or bad attitudes the child is picking up from her mother based on your own observations and anything your daughter might confide in you), then see this as an opportunity for teaching your daughter life lessons.

I wouldn’t grill your daughter every day about who she plays with. While the other parent shouldn’t be bringing up her daughter’s disappointment to you because neither parent should be “making” their child be friends with the other, since she did bring it up, I would use it as an opportunity to have a discussion with your daughter about treating others with kindness and being thoughtful of other children who might be left out (purposely or not) and inviting them to play. It’s good that she plays with both girls and it’s ok if she favors one a little more over the other.

If a true situation develops where A is forbidding your daughter play with the other girl or is saying mean things to get other children not to like B or reject her, then you should advise your daughter accordingly about how that is not acceptable behavior and how she should handle it.

Don’t helicopter the situation. If things are brought to your attention, then teach your daughter what is the loving and Christlike way to handle it while understanding her own rights and duties to all involved. If it gets beyond little girl squabbles that can be handled with advice and encouragement, then it would be time for the adults to intervene if there is true bullying going on.

As far as your husband’s clients are concerned, it would be very unfair to your daughter if you are even bringing this side of the issue to her attention. “You have to be nice to all the kids because their parents might not see your dad as patients anymore and we will lose some income.” (Not saying you are doing this. Just that you shouldn’t.) This is not a burden she should ever have to carry just because she’s a doctor’s kid. If you focus on giving her good formation in the faith, in her ability to make good choices based on doing what’s right over what is easy, teach her to recognize when she has made a bad choice and how to do better in the furture/ask forgiveness and are a good role model yourself, then the consequences of this will help ensure that her behavior won’t be the downfall of the family’s income. (which is a far-fetched doomsday scenario anyway.)

 

[midori]

I remember going to the playground with my husband and my son once. We went over to the swings to give DS1 a push. The mom and kid who were playing on the swings left about the time we went over there, and I didn’t think anything of it.

After they were out of earshot, my husband said, “You know that lady who just left? I took her kids away from her.”

Whenever we happen to go to a school function or a sports event, the seats are full of people who DH has interacted with in a professional way… sometimes in a good way, and sometimes in a bad way.

But we’ve never micromanaged who DS1 can play with-- at school. We let him figure out who’s reliable, and who’s not a good friend. However, we are very particular as to who he brings home from school with him— a few people are allowed into the back yard, and fewer people are allowed into the house.

So, let your daughter figure out her own relationships. Encourage her to avoid the whole “I can’t play with you because I’m playing with X” mindset, and exchange it for more of a “the more the merrier” kind of attitude-- you don’t want her to be cliquish. But if there’s a reason why she doesn’t want to play with a certain person-- “So-and-so always has to be the boss” or “So-and-so always changes our game to play what she wants” --then it’s okay to let so-and-so deal with the natural repercussions of her attitude.

But your daughter’s roster of friends will shift over time. At one point, X will be her best friend in the world… but a few months later, X might drop her for a different group, and she might find herself having a lot of fun with Y. And then the next school year, Z might end up being her favorite person to play with.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Everything that @1ke said.

This is normal. Let your child learn to navigate the waters now, do not deprive her of this. You do not want to end up micromanaging her social life through high school!!

 

[Tulitas]

Yup. Nothing good comes of hover mothering.

 

[Allegra]

Please tell me you aren’t serious. You tell your kid to exclude a little girl from playing with the group because you think her mom is a snob? It sounds like you are a snob! Unless the kid is encouraging your daughter to be unkind, disrespectful, defiant, or dishonest, don’t tell your daughter not to play with her.

 

[Katie777]

All three girls can be friends. Don’t discourage friendships unless it causes safety concerns for one reason or another.

You can have play dates too and invite them all including the mom’s so everyone gets to know each other too.

 

[F_Marturana]

This is normal 2nd grade kid behavior.

I have a 3rd grader.

“Aiden is my best friend”

“Anthony is my best friend”

“I’m not talking to Aiden.”

“Mark is Andrew’s best friend. Andrew used to be Liam’s best friend. So Liam is my best friend now”

That’s about a week ‘s worth of friendship.