Daughter Friend Dilemma

  • Thread starter Thread starter Bananas
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I don’t know why people are calling me a troll and a snob. I’m trying to help my daughter and protect my husband’s career and our family’s livelihood. Gossip flies through our town like bees through a floral shop, so it’s definitely a possibility that my husband will lose clients over this.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, A’s mother is a snob and so is A. A doesn’t always include all the kids in her games. My daughter came home the other day and talked about how she and A were going to start a club. She listed the kids they were going to invite to join the club, and she did not list all the kids in the class, just a few. She also indicated that A was in charge of the club and that my daughter was just doing whatever A told her to do, like she was taking orders from A. That’s when my husband and I decided something needed to be done.
 
This is PERFECTLY NORMAL for little girls. Did you not have friends when you were a girl?
 
Even if it’s “normal” in that all kids do it, I want to teach my daughter to do better than that — to include everyone and to not be a doormat who takes orders from people. I don’t want her hanging out with snobby friends.
 
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Bananas said:
Even if it’s “normal” in that all kids do it, I want to teach my daughter to do better than that — to include everyone and to not be a doormat who takes orders from people. I don’t want her hanging out with snobby friends.
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Forbidding her from talking to another child is making her into the snob who takes orders from you. You are creating a much worse beast of your own making.
 
It sounds to me like she’s already solved the problem by playing with one sometimes and the other at time.
As long as this “arrangement” continues there’s no need to over think things because your daughter has already shown that she’s not classist and is ‘willing’ to play with someone who’s not a doctors child.
I would be at peace and not give it anymore thought/worry unless that child’s parents say something or you receive some indication that they feel you are snobbish etc.
 
I thought you said you didn’t want your daughter to play with A. Now you say you want her to play with everyone. Which is it? If your daughter tells you that A is inviting her to join an exclusive “club”, then just tell your daughter that A doesn’t get to tell her who to play with. Problem solved. Meanwhile, you simply can’t expect your 7yo to shoulder the burden of keeping her father’s clients happy by playing with or not playing with certain kids. That’s absolutely, wildly inappropriate. If your livelihood really depended on that, (And I think that’s BS.) you would be morally obligated to seek a different livelihood asap!
 
Allegra said:
I thought you said you didn’t want your daughter to play with A. Now you say you want her to play with everyone. Which is it? If your daughter tells you that A is inviting her to join an exclusive “club”, then just tell your daughter that A doesn’t get to tell her who to play with. Problem solved. Meanwhile, you simply can’t expect your 7yo to shoulder the burden of keeping her father’s clients happy by playing with or not playing with certain kids. That’s absolutely, wildly inappropriate. If your livelihood really depended on that, (And I think that’s BS.) you would be morally obligated to seek a different livelihood asap!
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I don’t have an issue with my daughter playing with A in a group where all kids are included. I just don’t want her playing with A one on one. If she plays with anyone one on one or in a group that doesn’t include all kids, I want it to be B and her friends, not A.
 
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I’ve explained to my daughter why A isn’t someone she should be playing with (her mother takes over things at school, A is ordering her around, etc.) My daughter seems to understand and has agreed to play with B and her friends instead of A.
 
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It’s crucial children learn how to make firm friends and relate to each other in a one on one situation.
Bananas said:
(her mother takes over things at school, A is ordering her around, etc.)
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What the mother does has nothing to do with the children’s friendships. The child is 6 or 7 . You are being incredibly uncharitable to a small child , painting her with this brush, and opening her up to ostracism by the others…
What if your daughter now goes to school, repeats what you said as to why she should not play with A , to A and the school.

Then poor A gets bullied.

Were you an only child . Were you from a poverty background.
 
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Roseeurekacross said:
You really don’t want any advice do you. Are you posting to vent?
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I asked for advice on how to get my daughter to stop playing with A and play with B instead. No one has given any advice in regards to that, but rather have called me a troll and a snob.

I realize no one is taking me seriously, but I have had the experience before where gossip ruins people. My town is small. People talk. The news that Dr. B’s daughter only wants to play with other doctors’ kids will get around and no one will want to go to my husband as a doctor anymore, and we will be ruined. I know you all will call me crazy, a troll, and a snob, but you will see when I come back here with another post saying how we’re out of a job and going to the poorhouse because of this. You don’t want to listen to me now, but you will see that I was right all along.
 
This post opened my eyes, I think that I was wrong about the snobbery. You are a lot like me.

Catastrophizing can really tear at your mood, attitude, it can make life unbearable. I have lived my entire life as the queen of the “worst case scenario”. I can always tell you how something will go wrong, and my tendency is to live in a very bleak future. It will keep you awake at night, grind you down to dust.

I would suggest picking up a copy of Fr Jacques Phillipe’s small book “Searching For And Maintaining Peace”. A spiritual director suggested this book to me when I was at the lowest point in my life because many of the things I had dreaded were hurdling at me! That little book literally saved my life.

If I knew you in real life, I would order this book for you today. In fact, if you have a Kindle or have the Kindle App to read books and you will pm me your email address, I will gift you an ebook copy of it.
 
Guiding children through friendships can be difficult and at times heartbreaking. We’ve always focused on encouraging our children to be kind to everyone – I literally remind them of this as they walk out the door in the morning. My oldest has been taken advantage of by friends in the past. They bossed her around and she felt unable to really speak for herself. If that’s what’s happening with A, then yes, you need to provide your daughter with skills to address this. We role-played a number of potential situations so our daughter had language she could use when responding. I personally dislike several parents from my daughter’s class but I never mention any of this to my daughter. I discourage you from bringing your daughter into those kinds of discussions, as well. If your daughter can stand up for herself around A and still manage a friendship with her – even one-on-one – I’d say let it happen. She’ll gain self-confidence through the interactions. And if standing up for herself means A won’t be friends with her, tell your daughter A isn’t prepared to have one-on-one friendships. Ultimately, it sounds like A has larger issues given her family dynamics.
 
Bananas said:
I realize no one is taking me seriously, but I have had the experience before where gossip ruins people. My town is small. People talk. The news that Dr. B’s daughter only wants to play with other doctors’ kids will get around and no one will want to go to my husband as a doctor anymore, and we will be ruined. I know you all will call me crazy, a troll, and a snob, but you will see when I come back here with another post saying how we’re out of a job and going to the poorhouse because of this.
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No, this does not happen. You really are overexaggerating the potential for disaster. One mom cannot possibly turn an entire town against a doctor because your child plays or doesn’t play with another child. Your husband is a doctor with a specific skill set. That is what people go to him for, not for his daughter’s friends. You are truly blowing this whole thing out of proportion.

Does your husband believe this will cost him his job or is this all in your own head? Having made it through medical school and all it entails, he cannot possibly believe anyone has that kind of power over his medical practice. Because they don’t.
 
Bananas said:
asked for advice on how to get my daughter to stop playing with A and play with B instead. No one has given any advice in regards to that, but rather have called me a troll and a snob.
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That’s advice right there you are not hearing
But it’s unfair and uncharitable for people to call you a troll. You have a genuine concern.
Bananas said:
I realize no one is taking me seriously
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You have posted asking for advice ? On two of your daughters . You are being taken extremely seriously
Bananas said:
My town is small. People talk.
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Every rural town is small, everyone knows everyone’s business.
What you are doing is responding and reacting to gossip. We are Catholic, we say begone satan, ignore the gossip and move on.

Have you lived in a small town before.?
Bananas said:
The news that Dr. B’s daughter only wants to play with other doctors’ kids will get around and no one will want to go to my husband as a doctor anymore, and we will be ruined.
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Is keeping up apppearances more important then happiness .
If your kid only wants to play with other doctor’s kids, ( how many are there) perhaps it’s because they , your kid and this little girl, are truly close friends. And they would be if her dad collected rubbish . The status of the parents has no bearing in how a small child picks friends,
Unless of course friends parents run a zoo or circus!
Bananas said:
I know you all will call me crazy, a troll, and a snob, but you will see when I come back here with another post saying how we’re out of a job and going to the poorhouse because of this. You don’t want to listen to me now, but you will see that I was right all along.
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Seriously, drama much? It’s such an over exaggeration. However, you truly believe it.
Why? You speak as though you come from extreme poverty.
Give your money away and follow Christ. You are worshipping money, not God.

Are you concerned about the potential for bullying and ostracising you are creating…see my post up thread.
 
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Poorhouse…
This really is drama… don"t doctors have skills they can use in another town?
Anyway people I know pick a doctor for his skills not for who his seven year old hangs out with,
which will change soon anyway.
 
Notice…the OP has to leave a lot of gaps between answers. Trouble thinking them up? If your other post is true, you have a very cruel method of parenting, and I feel sorry for all your kids! I sincerely hope that you are a troll!
 
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