Daughter is indifferent to parent's deal for her education

[Still_Hoping]

This morning my eldest is to start her 2nd year of college. She wants to drop out and take a course to get into another program. Hubby said that she is not to drop out until she is accepted in the other program. I concluded the same but yesterday she decided that she wants to take a semester off, she will try to get the course needed to get into the other program. The only thing is she broke the deal we made and she insists on doing it her way; my hubby said that if it is so then he would place ultimatums. Either she has a job first or the course before she drops out or else she can leave the house.

I am so angry because I spoke about this to him several times and he was the one saying it was ok if she takes a semester off and to let her be. I insisted that she continues until she finds a job or enters a new program.

It is causing a lot of tension. I want your prayers and counsel on how to proceed. Was it right that my hubby told her to leave if she doesn’t accept? I don’t feel that it was necessary even though I told her this before in our arguments.

 

[pensmama87]

I’m a little confused by your OP, maybe I’m not reading it correctly and/or you could clarify: what did your daughter think the deal was, and is that what’s being proposed now by your husband? If I’m reading correctly, it sounds like you now want to be lenient and he wants to abide by the original agreement, when before your daughter made these decisions he was the one more inclined to be lenient?

If I were in your position, a lot would depend on if your daughter were the type to be given an inch and take a mile.

I also know that my younger siblings, who have been given much more leniency about finishing school/living at home/etc than I was, have been very slow to grow up. One of my sisters still lives at home, pays no rent or contribution, and does not help out in non-financial ways. I was told in no uncertain terms that if I ever, ever, ever wanted to live at home after becoming an adult that I would be expected to pay rent. Supposedly my sister lives at home so she can pay back her student loans faster, but as far as I know she spends it all on clothes, manicures, and expensive haircuts.

 

[Lorelei12]

I don’t think there is really anything wrong with parents setting stipulations on their adult children who are living with them. I also think your husband’s plan sounds reasonable (continue in your program until you either get a job or get into the other program) but I am not sure that I would kick someone out of my house immediately if she refused initially. Even if she dropped out of the program, I’d be more likely to tell her that if she wants to live at my house she needs to either be working or in school, not just sitting around all day.

In any case, it doesn’t really matter what any of the rest of us think, since it’s a decision you and your husband should really be making together. Does your daughter have somewhere else to go? Do you think your husband is really going to follow through or is he just trying to scare her into making a decision?

 

[styrgwillidar]

Well, what are you daughter’s goals for life? How does a college degree fit into achieving those goals? Is it to prepare her for a career field, broaden her knowledge but not necessarily for a career?

That’s what your daughter needs to explain. How do these decisions fit into a plan for her life. What does dropping out for a semester achieve? What will she be doing with this time, in addition to getting a job and paying you rent?

I’ll support my kids education as best I can if its part of a plan, but not just as a ticket punch of some sort. Saw too many friends drifting through college gathering a lot of debt, switching majors, lengthening their time in school. One of the best decisions I saw made was an engineering major friend of mine dropping out— to start a custom furniture business. He loved working with wood and was very talented. His parents were really upset-- but he’s built his business successfully, growing steadily for decades.

 

[midori]

She wants to drop out and take a course to get into another program.

Is this like a matter of changing majors? “I entered school to be an engineer, but now I want to be Art History?” Is this a matter of changing schools? “I entered a four-year college, but now I think I want to get an Associate’s Degree at the local community college?” Or is this something else?

re: taking a break, it can be very hard. You’re in a student mindset— and then you stop being in that mindset— and then you have to get back into that student mindset. Then again, if she has a semester off in the real world, she might find that (a) she has an affinity for being in the working world, and doesn’t need a degree on her path, and it would be pointless to go through that time and expense; or (b) hey, a degree is a useful key that will open doors that are otherwise shut, and school is actually pretty great compared to work, so I have a newfound appreciation for the education my parents are helping me get.

Ultimately, it’s a conversation between you and your husband first, and then the three of you second. You and your husband are offering her a very generous gift. If she chooses to reject it, she doesn’t get to tell you what gift she’d rather have instead. If she wants to take a semester off, that’s great— but she needs to spend the time doing something useful and contributing if she’s going to hang out at home. Even in cultures where it’s normal for adult children to stick around for marriage-- a la my big Italian family-- you don’t go about it by being self-centered and helpless and not doing your part.

 

[Casilda]

I have watched friends over manage their adult children’s lives and seen disastrous results. In my own life I was told what field in college to pursue. That was wrong. Yes, it was my strong point (math, science) but not my passion or calling.

I encouraged my children to pursue their passion and calling. Son moved out at 18, focused. My youngest is headed to college as I write. She earned her way. She is focused. Another daughter took a year of college and stopped. Her skill set is determined by her passion and calling. All my children are successful. If they fall or fail, I have been, will be there to help. Never tell them you are done with them, God doesn’t give us that example. We can always come back to the Father.

 

[ProdglArchitect]

As others have pointed out, I think we need a bit more information.

#1: What sort of change is she talking about? Is she switching majors, dropping out and going to a community college, or dropping out to go to a vocational / technical school?

#2: What was the deal, and how has she broken it.

#3: Why does she want to take the semester off?

My sister dropped out of the main college she was going to and switched to a community college for a year and a half. She got her general classes taken care of at the community college while she thought about what she wanted to do with her life. When she was done, she went back to college and recently graduated with a zoological degree. Some time away from full college can be good for you, especially if you’re not sure what you want to do. It’s better than wasting time and money while you think and switch around a lot.

If she wants to do a more technical job, or a vocational type job then college isn’t necessary.

If she just wants to take a semester off with no real goal in mind then you might have a problem that needs addressed.

 

[mafh]

Maybe her dropping out is best after all – if she stayed in, but didn’t want to do the work ( or if it wasn’t relevant to her new career goals) then it would just be an expensive waste of money, given what college costs these days… I think it’s reasonable to require that she get a job or contribute financially if she’s living at home and not in school, though.

 

[Still_Hoping]

Maybe her dropping out is best after all – if she stayed in, but didn’t want to do the work ( or if it wasn’t relevant to her new career goals) then it would just be an expensive waste of money, given what college costs these days… I think it’s reasonable to require that she get a job or contribute financially if she’s living at home and not in school, though.

I understand but from where I am college is free but it is not university; think of it as an extension of high school. Here we finish in grade 11 so to go into university we must do 2 more years. The courses are free but not the books nor the fees. I am not so concerned with the money but more so with time and having a goal.

 

[Still_Hoping]

As others have pointed out, I think we need a bit more information.

#1: What sort of change is she talking about? Is she switching majors, dropping out and going to a community college, or dropping out to go to a vocational / technical school?

#2: What was the deal, and how has she broken it.

#3: Why does she want to take the semester off?

My sister dropped out of the main college she was going to and switched to a community college for a year and a half. She got her general classes taken care of at the community college while she thought about what she wanted to do with her life. When she was done, she went back to college and recently graduated with a zoological degree. Some time away from full college can be good for you, especially if you’re not sure what you want to do. It’s better than wasting time and money while you think and switch around a lot.

If she wants to do a more technical job, or a vocational type job then college isn’t necessary.

If she just wants to take a semester off with no real goal in mind then you might have a problem that needs addressed.

Your last statement is what causes me anxiety. However she found a program in a college outside our province. It suits her needs.

The question is do we let her drop out of what she is in now or do this semester and wait to see if she will even be accepted?

 

[Still_Hoping]

I must make a few points to clear some issues:

1. My daughter is 17 so not an adult yet. She has ADHD, anxiety, anger issues, and insecurity.
2. We come from Quebec, Canada where the education system is totally different from the rest of North America. College is a 2 year extension of high school which is till the 11th grade unlike yours which is till the 12th grade.
3. This program is obligatory if she wants to go to university. Only issue, all useless sociology courses, research courses that she hates and she can’t change it. OBLIGATORY, courses are free but not books.
4. Vocational training is good but they do not offer her program in my province so she will have to go elsewhere.
5. She found the program she wants but there is no assurance she will be accepted.

BIG QUESTION:

DOES SHE CONTINUE IN THIS PROGRAM FOR NOW UNTIL SHE IS ACCEPTED IN THE OTHER?

If she quits now she has no job nor is she enrolled to take the obligatory courses needed to get into that program.

HER PLAN: Quit what she is doing, enroll to take the courses needed (where or when? still needs to be figured out) Try to find a job to fill up the days.

OUR PLAN: take the minimum courses required, stay in the program and try to register for the extra course needed to get into the other program.

Your comments?

 

[Still_Hoping]

I have watched friends over manage their adult children’s lives and seen disastrous results. In my own life I was told what field in college to pursue. That was wrong. Yes, it was my strong point (math, science) but not my passion or calling.

I encouraged my children to pursue their passion and calling. Son moved out at 18, focused. My youngest is headed to college as I write. She earned her way. She is focused. Another daughter took a year of college and stopped. Her skill set is determined by her passion and calling. All my children are successful. If they fall or fail, I have been, will be there to help. Never tell them you are done with them, God doesn’t give us that example. We can always come back to the Father.

Thank you, there is merit to what you are saying. Only thing is I don’t want her to take advantage of us. My husband doesn’t trust she will pull through. However, she managed to do a full year in this program and she is miserable. My husband is insistent that she stays until she finds something else. You don’t quit before you have something else to fall back on. I believe this too, but if I see her trying to do something productive and has a goal, I will allow her to quit (though it makes me anxious).

 

[Still_Hoping]

Well, what are you daughter’s goals for life? How does a college degree fit into achieving those goals? Is it to prepare her for a career field, broaden her knowledge but not necessarily for a career?

That’s what your daughter needs to explain. How do these decisions fit into a plan for her life. What does dropping out for a semester achieve? What will she be doing with this time, in addition to getting a job and paying you rent?

I’ll support my kids education as best I can if its part of a plan, but not just as a ticket punch of some sort. Saw too many friends drifting through college gathering a lot of debt, switching majors, lengthening their time in school. One of the best decisions I saw made was an engineering major friend of mine dropping out— to start a custom furniture business. He loved working with wood and was very talented. His parents were really upset-- but he’s built his business successfully, growing steadily for decades.

Inspiring story. Thanks for sharing. She loves fitness, sports and health. She found a program elsewhere and wants to join. Problem is she doesn’t know if she will get accepted. I gave more details in my post #11.

 

[Still_Hoping]

Is this like a matter of changing majors? “I entered school to be an engineer, but now I want to be Art History?” Is this a matter of changing schools? “I entered a four-year college, but now I think I want to get an Associate’s Degree at the local community college?” Or is this something else?

re: taking a break, it can be very hard. You’re in a student mindset— and then you stop being in that mindset— and then you have to get back into that student mindset. Then again, if she has a semester off in the real world, she might find that (a) she has an affinity for being in the working world, and doesn’t need a degree on her path, and it would be pointless to go through that time and expense; or (b) hey, a degree is a useful key that will open doors that are otherwise shut, and school is actually pretty great compared to work, so I have a newfound appreciation for the education my parents are helping me get.

Ultimately, it’s a conversation between you and your husband first, and then the three of you second. You and your husband are offering her a very generous gift. If she chooses to reject it, she doesn’t get to tell you what gift she’d rather have instead. If she wants to take a semester off, that’s great— but she needs to spend the time doing something useful and contributing if she’s going to hang out at home. Even in cultures where it’s normal for adult children to stick around for marriage-- a la my big Italian family-- you don’t go about it by being self-centered and helpless and not doing your part.

You and I both share something (big italian family). My husband is good and reasonable but he adamant against her quitting now unless she is enrolled in something else. That is what we are waiting for. I feel like she is to comfortable staying home.

 

[Xantippe]

It’s reasonable to ask for a small rent if she is living at home and not going to school.

That might be a good face-saving move if you’d like to figure out how to back off from your husband’s ultimatum without totally losing credibility.

You and I both share something (big italian family). My husband is good and reasonable but he adamant against her quitting now unless she is enrolled in something else. That is what we are waiting for. I feel like she is to comfortable staying home.

 

[Still_Hoping]

I’m a little confused by your OP, maybe I’m not reading it correctly and/or you could clarify: what did your daughter think the deal was, and is that what’s being proposed now by your husband? If I’m reading correctly, it sounds like you now want to be lenient and he wants to abide by the original agreement, when before your daughter made these decisions he was the one more inclined to be lenient?

If I were in your position, a lot would depend on if your daughter were the type to be given an inch and take a mile.

I also know that my younger siblings, who have been given much more leniency about finishing school/living at home/etc than I was, have been very slow to grow up. One of my sisters still lives at home, pays no rent or contribution, and does not help out in non-financial ways. I was told in no uncertain terms that if I ever, ever, ever wanted to live at home after becoming an adult that I would be expected to pay rent. Supposedly my sister lives at home so she can pay back her student loans faster, but as far as I know she spends it all on clothes, manicures, and expensive haircuts.

First, congrats on your third baby. To answer your question, yes she does take a mile from an inch. She is not so demanding with money but has fits if she believes something and doesn’t get her way. I had a fight this morning because I made an effort to drive her to school and help her register for a new course. First, she didn’t allow me to come with her and second, she concluded nothing except that she has to go back tomorrow to fix things. As if that wasn’t enough, she made plans to meet up with some friends instead of going to school.

I got really upset and shouted at her and she stormed out of the car and when I followed her she threatened that she wasn’t coming home. She has no cell so there would be no way to reach her. I calmed down and told her to talk. I brought her to the shopping mall where she was to meet her friends. My only consolation is that she is with her sister and her friends are good for the most part. She promised to go in tomorrow; let us see if she keeps it or there will be hell to pay.

She takes advantage even though she doesn’t ask for much. That is what my husband and I are against.

 

[Still_Hoping]

God bless you and I am sorry for your anxieties.

Clearly you love your daughter very much and want the best for her! I admit, I too am getting a little lost in these details even with your explanation. Based on just a few sentences I don’t feel qualified to give an opinion on a huge life decision for your daughter.

My question for you is did you see this coming? Knowing your daughter as you do, I would guess that this is not a huge surprise. So, your husband has already told her that what she wants to do is okay right? Let me ask you this, what is the worst that can happen now? It seems that your husband does not see this as a big deal and is telling you to “let her be” so my question for you is why do you and your husband see this so differently?

I agree that it is a bad situation when two parents are not on the same page. I just find it odd that you seem to see this scenario as a complete disaster where your husband doesn’t seem to think it is that bad, so I am wondering which of you has the true perspective or maybe it is a little of both? Please be assured of my prayers.

We are on the same page just different approach. He changed his tune. I saw this coming. The worst that can happen is that she lies and stays at home doing nothing or working at a lame job all her life. Please refer to post #11.

 

[Still_Hoping]

It’s reasonable to ask for a small rent if she is living at home and not going to school.

That might be a good face-saving move if you’d like to figure out how to back off from your husband’s ultimatum without totally losing credibility.

She is 17 going on 18 soon. All I can ask of her is to be responsible and pay her outings, that kind of stuff. We are willing to pay her education. She knows she needs one. Lets hope to find the right one.

 

[PolarGuy]

Your plan is much better than her plan. Some items:

1. As between the universe of 17 year olds and the universe of parents of 17 year olds, he parents generally have better plans, by virtue of more life experience (generally).
2. IMHO “dropping out” or taking a semester off is NEVER a good idea absent some really compelling reason to. I see no such compelling reason here.
3. Once a person leaves the lifestyle of a student it is very hard to go back. 1 semester can become 2…then 3…then a lifetime.
4. I don’t understand why she’s miserable. The work? The schedule? Other issues, ie is anxiety causing it, or is anxiety going to feed itself? I ask because going from the lifestyle of a student to the workforce can be daunting and maybe it’s just fear of “growing up,” ie here comes the real world.

Anyways, IMHO her plan is not a good one (if it’s even a plan at all).

 

[Anglewannabe]

. My husband is insistent that she stays until she finds something else.

First I want to say I grew up in Quebec so I TOTALLY understand how CEGEP works.

Next, I BEG you to show this to your husband.

When I was 18, I wanted to drop out and take something different the next term. My dad INSISTED I finish the term. My grades were HORRID. I had to drop out before I ruined my transcript. My father would not hear of it. All I could do was cry all day I was so petrified of having all those falling grades on my transcript. I would ask prof’s for advice and they would tell me to drop the course before the deadline and I would cry ‘My dad will beat me up if I do that’. All the profs looked at me like I was weird. I was becoming suicidal. Finally by the grace of God, my dad let me take the semester off before I had all those failing grades.

I am now 45, feel free to read all my post about how I struggle with work issues. And then I beg you to show them all to your husband and say ‘Angie’s father was just like you and look at the career misery she has had for over 20 years.’

What your husband is doing to DD’s self-esteem will DEFINETLY inhibit her in performing in the workforce and NO education will out weight it

Angie