Daughter is indifferent to parent's deal for her education

[Still_Hoping]

PolarGuy- she does have a plan to study in another province. I have family there that she could stay with. The program is exactly what she wanted. The question is do I make her quit now to apply there? I don’t know if these courses will be credited she has to talk to her advisor and the school she is applying to. This should of been done, but it is never too late. IMHO I think she should reduce her load to 4 courses (considered fulltime) and among those courses she should have the biology course needed to get into the other program. She wants to drop out and go to an adult ed school and just do the biology. Until we don’t have all the information she shouldn’t drop out. She only has a 1 week or 2 to decide so we really have to convince her to do the right thing.

Angelwannabe- hello fellow patriot, I don’t know if I understood your story correctly. Do you have a link to the post you wrote. So if I understand correctly, you were forced to stay in school and hate where it led you? Or you took a semester off and never went back and regret it? Please let me know.

 

[Still_Hoping]

Actually, that’s not so bad because the WORST thing that can happen is that your child can lose her faith life and stop going to church and become distant from Jesus Christ.

I know this is your child and you love her! That being said I think it is okay to be 17 and silly and stupid as long as you are not living a sinful life. I think it is normal to be young and not know exactly where your life is going. I think it is typical to be a child and make child-like decisions. It is proven that the brain is not fully developed at your daughter’s age. That is so hard for a parent to watch, I have been there.

I believe you are a loving and caring mom and you love your daughter as much as I love my children. The most important thing for your daughter is not a career but that she take the path set before her by Jesus Christ. Perhaps Jesus wants your daughter to learn certain life lessons the hard way, by hard work and hard lessons? Perhaps Jesus has set a path for your daughter to evangelize for Him in a different way. Remember always to tell your daughter to pray for God’s will for her life, not her will or your will or your husband’s will but God’s will. I will pray for peace for your family.

So true. Thank you for reminding me. We haven’t been to church for some time on a regular basis like we use to. We go now and then. I know she believes and I have educated her enough for it to be grounded in her life. I will pray too for greater faith and to let God do His work in her. Thank you again for reminding me. God bless.

 

[Mummsie]

My grandson has just made the same decision. He just graduated from High School, was accepted at a local community college, and then decided he wasn’t ready for the commitment. My daughter and son-in-law were very frustrated. All the discussions wouldn’t change his mind.

He has a part-time job and currently pays his own insurance. His parents decided to charge him rent (and it’s not cheap). Their thinking was making sure he has a good understanding of what it costs to put a roof over your head. In January, if he doesn’t go to school, his rent will double. At that point his rent will be close to the cost of sharing an apartment. At least he’s learning some life skills this way.

Praying for you and your family.

God Bless You.

 

[Xantippe]

My grandson has just made the same decision. He just graduated from High School, was accepted at a local community college, and then decided he wasn’t ready for the commitment. My daughter and son-in-law were very frustrated. All the discussions wouldn’t change his mind.

He has a part-time job and currently pays his own insurance. His parents decided to charge him rent (and it’s not cheap). Their thinking was making sure he has a good understanding of what it costs to put a roof over your head. In January, if he doesn’t go to school, his rent will double. At that point his rent will be close to the cost of sharing an apartment. At least he’s learning some life skills this way.

Praying for you and your family.

God Bless You.

That is very reasonable

 

[Still_Hoping]

Monicad: I can’t tell you everything about my family. It is difficult to explain. I woke up this morning feeling sick to my stomach and bad thoughts keep getting in the way. I pray but it is like these thoughts have control.

My daughter is wonderful and awful at the same time. I can’t explain. She has learning issues. Can she make it? I have given her all the resources necessary to succeed but she was too proud to use them because she wants to be like the ‘normal’ students. I guess she has to learn the hard way. All I could do is pray because emotionally I am exhausted.

As for praying as a family I have tried for over 20 years and I have yet to pray a rosary with the family. We do pray before meals. We pray for one another.

My heart is sinking. I must not think of what this is doing to me but just trust in the Lord. I have to constantly cast my thoughts, fears and emotions aside. I must learn to control my tongue. If I say something I am damned if I don’t the same result. We argue and I have learned to stay away but this attitude makes me feel distant and detached. Long story short she has to learn the hard way. I don’t want to be a doormat nor do I want her to be left alone.

 

[Still_Hoping]

My grandson has just made the same decision. He just graduated from High School, was accepted at a local community college, and then decided he wasn’t ready for the commitment. My daughter and son-in-law were very frustrated. All the discussions wouldn’t change his mind.

He has a part-time job and currently pays his own insurance. His parents decided to charge him rent (and it’s not cheap). Their thinking was making sure he has a good understanding of what it costs to put a roof over your head. In January, if he doesn’t go to school, his rent will double. At that point his rent will be close to the cost of sharing an apartment. At least he’s learning some life skills this way.

Praying for you and your family.

God Bless You.

Then I hope you will all pray for her to find her calling because she will not find a job. Here you must speak french and she is very insecure about it. She can speak it but she doesn’t speak it like a local and she doesn’t want to be criticized. She has no confidence. That is why she wants to study elsewhere where the majority is english speaking.

 

[Xantippe]

My daughter is wonderful and awful at the same time. I can’t explain. She has learning issues. Can she make it? I have given her all the resources necessary to succeed but she was too proud to use them because she wants to be like the ‘normal’ students. I guess she has to learn the hard way. All I could do is pray because emotionally I am exhausted.

Has she been to the disability center (or whatever they call it) at her college?

Help might work better coming from somebody else, not you

The French thing is definitely a problem.

 

[mommy_k]

Here in the US, many times when 18 year oid enter college-they are asked what they intend to major in…I think that is a huge mistake, as somekids are too young to decide this at this age. Unfortunately, sometimes it is an expensive or time wasting mistake.

It sounds similar to what your daughter is going through. I would include her in conversations and point this out. I would ask for feedback from her so she feels some level of control, but also spell out the benefits of the original plan setbacks her sole decsion would make. I would gently guide her to making the right choice without coming across as authoritarian. Listen to her concerns too. Sometimes, feeling that their own opinion matters helps a lot with teens. Once the decision is made, she has to live with the conditions that you and your husband convey, weather it is more finacial responsibility or something else.

Best wishes-

 

[Anglewannabe]

Angelwannabe- hello fellow patriot, I don’t know if I understood your story correctly. Do you have a link to the post you wrote. So if I understand correctly, you were forced to stay in school and hate where it led you? Or you took a semester off and never went back and regret it? Please let me know.

Hey fellow Quebecer

For the record, I did eventually get a degree. But it was a LONG struggle with a lot of fights between me and my dad and a lot of irreversible things were said on both sides

The point of my post is that my dad really though he knew best and did not allow my to try and fail while I was still young enough to get over it and bounce back. It has had very negative effects on my self-esteem and ability to cope in the workforce.

My mom was also like you. Overly concerned that I might fall 1 year behind in my studies. I have been in the workforce long enough to know that if 2 candidates have the same education, the fact that one graduated at 21 and the other did not graduate until 25 is TOTALLY irrelevant.

Again, my point is it sounds to me like you and your husband are being overly controlling and that is damaging to your daughter’s mental health

 

[Anglewannabe]

My daughter is wonderful and awful at the same time. I can’t explain. She has learning issues. Can she make it?

God gave your daughter the EXACT ability she needs to carry out His plan for her. So yes, she can carry out His plan. It all depends on how you define ‘she made it’

I have given her all the resources necessary to succeed but she was too proud to use them because** she wants to be like the ‘normal’ students**. I guess she has to learn the hard way. All I could do is pray because emotionally I am exhausted.

.

Can’t blame her for that. The mere fact she wants to be like ‘normal’ students would indicate she does have some confidence and intelligence. Help her to develop the abilities she does have

As for the ‘not speaking French like a native’. I am going to assume you live somewhere with a large enough English population she did all her schooling in English or you moved to Quebec after she was around 10. And honestly, I can TOTALLY understand wanting to go to school in English Canada. I was born in Quebec, went to French school, and speak like a native to this day. People had no idea I was English until they found out my name that gave it away. And I still just wanted to be in an English surrounding.

Warning to your daughter. When she does live in an English province, she will feel like an outsider for not having grown up there. It was a sad truth I learnt after moving to Ontario. However, I have been here long enough it is a non issue. However, being English in Quebec will always be an issue to someone who struggles with the language

Angie

 

[jmcrae]

I must make a few points to clear some issues:

1. My daughter is 17 so not an adult yet. She has ADHD, anxiety, anger issues, and insecurity.
2. We come from Quebec, Canada where the education system is totally different from the rest of North America. College is a 2 year extension of high school which is till the 11th grade unlike yours which is till the 12th grade.
3. This program is obligatory if she wants to go to university. Only issue, all useless sociology courses, research courses that she hates and she can’t change it. OBLIGATORY, courses are free but not books.
4. Vocational training is good but they do not offer her program in my province so she will have to go elsewhere.
5. She found the program she wants but there is no assurance she will be accepted.

BIG QUESTION:

DOES SHE CONTINUE IN THIS PROGRAM FOR NOW UNTIL SHE IS ACCEPTED IN THE OTHER?

If she quits now she has no job nor is she enrolled to take the obligatory courses needed to get into that program.

HER PLAN: Quit what she is doing, enroll to take the courses needed (where or when? still needs to be figured out) Try to find a job to fill up the days.

OUR PLAN: take the minimum courses required, stay in the program and try to register for the extra course needed to get into the other program.

Your comments?

I like your plan.

 

[Still_Hoping]

I like your plan.

I feel too it is the surest route. However, she is miserable and unhappy. Can I force her to stay, ya sure. Will she do well because with that attitude she probably will not or in the least get passing grades which will not reflect well when she applies for the new program. That is my dilema.

FORCE HER to stay - can foster regret and bitterness
ALLOW HER to leave - if she doesn’t get accepted into her new program she would of forfeited all that time to actually get ahead in her studies.

COMPROMISE- she stays in her actual program but transfers to part-time and does the course needed for the new program. This will allow her to explore her choices and feel confident yet still respect her parent’s deal.

HER CHOICE- To drop everything and just do the course required and to work (if she can find a job) She wants to earn money to help out with expenses. Might be good.

REALITY - The new program only requires that she do one more course to be considered. So she doesn’t have to do anymore courses.

 

[Still_Hoping]

God gave your daughter the EXACT ability she needs to carry out His plan for her. So yes, she can carry out His plan. It all depends on how you define ‘she made it’

Can’t blame her for that. The mere fact she wants to be like ‘normal’ students would indicate she does have some confidence and intelligence. Help her to develop the abilities she does have

As for the ‘not speaking French like a native’. I am going to assume you live somewhere with a large enough English population she did all her schooling in English or you moved to Quebec after she was around 10. And honestly, I can TOTALLY understand wanting to go to school in English Canada. I was born in Quebec, went to French school, and speak like a native to this day. People had no idea I was English until they found out my name that gave it away. And I still just wanted to be in an English surrounding.

Warning to your daughter. When she does live in an English province, she will feel like an outsider for not having grown up there. It was a sad truth I learnt after moving to Ontario. However, I have been here long enough it is a non issue. However, being English in Quebec will always be an issue to someone who struggles with the language

Angie

Hi Angie,

She is smart in her own way and she is so insecure that if she feels intimidated she becomes defensive and aggressive. Though in certain life situations this is good, I want her to become wiser.

Her french is good not great. If she gets a job she will learn, so what if you make mistakes.

As for the school she will be applying to, there are many international students and she will be living with family. We know the area well so let us hope and pray that she will find good christian friends and be safe. That is another concern.

Thanks for sharing. Are you french? If so, how did you learn english?

 

[Xantippe]

As for the school she will be applying to, there are many international students and she will be living with family. We know the area well so let us hope and pray that she will find good christian friends and be safe. That is another concern.

That sounds very good.

 

[Still_Hoping]

That sounds very good.

I know, yesterday I felt really good about it until I read stories of sexual scandals on campuses and being far away from home. Her aunt was the only other member in the family who went to study far away.

 

[jmcrae]

I know, yesterday I felt really good about it until I read stories of sexual scandals on campuses and being far away from home. Her aunt was the only other member in the family who went to study far away.

These things can happen close to home as well. Empower her with safety information on how to protect herself, and be open with her about the steps you want her to take if something awful happens, even in spite of taking safety precautions.

 

[Xantippe]

These things can happen close to home as well. Empower her with safety information on how to protect herself, and be open with her about the steps you want her to take if something awful happens, even in spite of taking safety precautions.

Right.

 

[Still_Hoping]

These things can happen close to home as well. Empower her with safety information on how to protect herself, and be open with her about the steps you want her to take if something awful happens, even in spite of taking safety precautions.

I agree. I pray that between now and when she moves (if she is accepted) that she grows in wisdom of the HOLY SPIRIT which will guide her in the love of Jesus. That she may continue to grow spiritually and learn to be confident and praise Jesus in the most Holy Trinity.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you, there is merit to what you are saying. Only thing is I don’t want her to take advantage of us. My husband doesn’t trust she will pull through. However, she managed to do a full year in this program and she is miserable. My husband is insistent that she stays until she finds something else. You don’t quit before you have something else to fall back on. I believe this too, but if I see her trying to do something productive and has a goal, I will allow her to quit (though it makes me anxious).

Considering her issues, I’d treat her as if she were 2-3 years younger, and I wouldn’t worry about spoiling her by doing it. She has issues that hold a lot of people back from maturing quite at the rate as others, but not necessarily issues that prevent them from catching up with their peers eventually.

I would tell her that if she’s not doing something productive within three weeks of stopping one program and within one week of starting the next, she needs to find something to do or else you will find something for her. One month off total, and other than that she needs to be doing something good in this world and not just taking care of herself. That can be a a job, a steady volunteer position, painting your house, doing daycare for someone, or whatever, but something. If she has a job but no studying, the share of the house maintenance kicks up to more of an “adult” share, too.

Note that this is a rule that you can put equally on everyone in your house, so it isn’t making her into a “special needs” case. Everybody is either in school or has steady work. No more than one month off in a year, no exceptions. When you’re 18 and pay your own rent at your own place, then you make your own rules. If you live at home until you’re 30, you live as adult but under the house rules.

 

[Still_Hoping]

Considering her issues, I’d treat her as if she were 2-3 years younger, and I wouldn’t worry about spoiling her by doing it. She has issues that hold a lot of people back from maturing quite at the rate as others, but not necessarily issues that prevent them from catching up with their peers eventually.

I would tell her that if she’s not doing something productive within three weeks of stopping one program and within one week of starting the next, she needs to find something to do or else you will find something for her. One month off total, and other than that she needs to be doing something good in this world and not just taking care of herself. That can be a a job, a steady volunteer position, painting your house, doing daycare for someone, or whatever, but something. If she has a job but no studying, the share of the house maintenance kicks up to more of an “adult” share, too.

Note that this is a rule that you can put equally on everyone in your house, so it isn’t making her into a “special needs” case. Everybody is either in school or has steady work. No more than one month off in a year, no exceptions. When you’re 18 and pay your own rent at your own place, then you make your own rules. If you live at home until you’re 30, you live as adult but under the house rules.

You are right about treating her as if she is 2-3 years younger. She is still immature in many aspects. (A concern for her going away) However, she feels optimistic about this new school and the program. I never saw her this excited. I just hope she won’t be disappointed or find it too difficult. I have to investigate to see if they have special resource aid for students with her difficulties.

I am going to speak to my DH about your rule on productivity and sharing the household chores. I like that you took the time to give details and they are totally logical and in line with my views.

I always emphasized on volunteer work if they were not able to find an actual paying job but unfortunately both my children are not that keen on it. I can’t understand why when I did so much of it during their lives. You would think that it would rub off on them. At least they help my parents and family when they go over.

As for paying rent, well when she turns 18, which is soon, I will consider it. Until now I feel it is a parent’s duty. But I will definitely make it a point to contribute in some small way. She has herself proposed to keep the money she makes to pay for her own education. I know that she wants to be independent but she has to overcome her insecurity is she is to go into the workforce.

Right now, I want her to get registered for the course she needs to get into the program and find at least a part-time job.