Daughter overstaying her welcome

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Hi! I am actually the wife of “Scott D”. I hope it’s okay to use this forum; Scott doesn’t mind! …This is a “what would YOU do” kind of question. My sister asked me for advice on this situation: Her oldest daughter Katie, 20, is living at home, and making life very disruptive for her family. There are 3 younger sibs, 16, 14, and 12, who are on the receiving end of a lot of hostility from Kate. Kate has been in school, is on break for the summer, and her only job is babysitting–not very lucrative for her.She does not give any $$ for her room and board, and occasionally is asked to help out with driving, but she is not truly generous in pulling her weight in the family. Her attitude is one of ‘entitlement’. Her mom (and dad) also get a lot of animosity from Kate. The final straw was finding out that Katie put a lock on her bedroom door without permission. --My sis recognizes that Katie should be on her own, but weighing the practical, emotional, financial issues is a challenge. I suggested that Katie be given a time period (6 mos?) in which she would be, basically, a boarder–paying rent, heat, food, etc. Then when 6 mos are up, it wouldn’t be such a shock to be in the real world. My sis said they tried charging rent, and never followed through on collecting it!

My sister and family are not practicing Catholics; they are Unitarian. Which should not make much difference in this case, but just FYI. Anyone with similar situations out there? I’d pass on any advice to my sister! --Lisa D. : )
 
Her parents know what they have to do; they just have to get the courage to do it. Right now they are enabling her behavior to treat them like motel help. They have to unite, lay down and enforce their rules. There are six pairs of ears and eyes watching how they handel big sister and there will be more trouble ahead if they can’t control this situation.
 
You mention she is on summer break, so she is going to college? But, it sounds like she lives at home while going to school? Full time/part time? If she was in college full time and doing well, this would sway my advice. If not…

Seems easy to me. I would sit down and decide on some rules. I would then call a private meeting with my daughter to let her know my feelings about her being in my home (both good feelings and bad) and then let her know the rules and consequences if she decides to ignore. If the goal is getting her to move out, then yes, a date should be set and some advice offered about how to secure a better job and seek affordable/safe apartment.
 
I agree, that they need to lay down what they expect from her. I’ll just say that I’m 22 and am living at home. But I do have a job and don’t expect to live at my parents for nothing. I just moved back home after graduating from college and couldn’t afford to pay rent on my own with my part time job (the economy was in the downturn and I couldn’t find full time) So I just wanted to say that not all older children shouldn’t live at home, and I know that’s not what you were saying or anything, but just felt the need to say that.
I think if they continue to just let her not pull her weight it’s only going to get worse. It sounds like she’s living the high life. At 20, she should be getting a job if nothing else. Even if it is summer break, I think a part time job is a good step.
It’s really about communication and following through with the discipline.
 
Scott_D said:
Hi! I am actually the wife of “Scott D”. I hope it’s okay to use this forum; Scott doesn’t mind! …This is a “what would YOU do” kind of question. My sister asked me for advice on this situation: Her oldest daughter Katie, 20, is living at home, and making life very disruptive for her family. There are 3 younger sibs, 16, 14, and 12, who are on the receiving end of a lot of hostility from Kate. Kate has been in school, is on break for the summer, and her only job is babysitting–not very lucrative for her.She does not give any $$ for her room and board, and occasionally is asked to help out with driving, but she is not truly generous in pulling her weight in the family. Her attitude is one of ‘entitlement’. Her mom (and dad) also get a lot of animosity from Kate. The final straw was finding out that Katie put a lock on her bedroom door without permission. --My sis recognizes that Katie should be on her own, but weighing the practical, emotional, financial issues is a challenge. I suggested that Katie be given a time period (6 mos?) in which she would be, basically, a boarder–paying rent, heat, food, etc. Then when 6 mos are up, it wouldn’t be such a shock to be in the real world. My sis said they tried charging rent, and never followed through on collecting it!
My sister and family are not practicing Catholics; they are Unitarian. Which should not make much difference in this case, but just FYI. Anyone with similar situations out there? I’d pass on any advice to my sister! --Lisa D. : )
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Kate is a 20/yo GIRL who is a STUDENT and lives with her parents during the summer like most students do during the summer. She put a lock on her door? Who in their right mind does not have a lock on their door for privacy? The disrespect needs to be dealt with. But not by making a normal parent’s situation into a landlord situation. Good grief!
 
I’m 22 and live at home, If my mother had her way I wouldn’t leave home till I was 30, or maybe never…
I have never paid rent and my parents would never charge me either. I could never imagine anyone charging their child money to live with them in their home. It’s just so weird. My mom does all the cooking and washes my clothes to. If she asks me to do anything however I just kind of do it, as long as it’s not exams time. I think the real issue is more the disruptive behavior and the attitude. Charging money will just make it more like a motel.
 
Scott_D said:
Hi! I am actually the wife of “Scott D”. I hope it’s okay to use this forum; Scott doesn’t mind! …This is a “what would YOU do” kind of question. My sister asked me for advice on this situation: Her oldest daughter Katie, 20, is living at home, and making life very disruptive for her family. There are 3 younger sibs, 16, 14, and 12, who are on the receiving end of a lot of hostility from Kate. Kate has been in school, is on break for the summer, and her only job is babysitting–not very lucrative for her.She does not give any $$ for her room and board, and occasionally is asked to help out with driving, but she is not truly generous in pulling her weight in the family. Her attitude is one of ‘entitlement’. Her mom (and dad) also get a lot of animosity from Kate. The final straw was finding out that Katie put a lock on her bedroom door without permission. --My sis recognizes that Katie should be on her own, but weighing the practical, emotional, financial issues is a challenge. I suggested that Katie be given a time period (6 mos?) in which she would be, basically, a boarder–paying rent, heat, food, etc. Then when 6 mos are up, it wouldn’t be such a shock to be in the real world. My sis said they tried charging rent, and never followed through on collecting it!

My sister and family are not practicing Catholics; they are Unitarian. Which should not make much difference in this case, but just FYI. Anyone with similar situations out there? I’d pass on any advice to my sister! --Lisa D. : )
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I personally don’t understand this attitude. She is IN COLLEGE, presumably a full time student who lives at home for the summer. When I was in college NOT A SINGLE PERSON THAT I KNEW lived on their own, everyone either lived with their parents, or had their parents pay for an apartment/residence.

If they kick her out, how is she supposed to succeed in school and have a good future? If she is studying anything worth studying then it would simply be too much to work and keep up with studies at the same time. Maybe there are people who do it, but form my experience those are also people who are either in easy programs in community colleges, or don’t do well in their classes.

Catholicism has such a strong emphasis on family and raising children. Well what is the point of that if you are just going to throw your children out before they have a chance to become successful adults? Maybe in the past and currently in some segments of society people are expected to be independent at 18 or sooner, but if you hope to be college educated that is just not reasonable. It just seems very curious to see this kind of advice being given on this board. People are all for having large families and raising children, but you know raising them actually means not throwing them out to the wolves before they’ve graduated. I personally could never do something like that.

I never met a successful college student at a serious school that did it without being supported by their parents.
 
flyingfish said:
I personally don’t understand this attitude. She is IN COLLEGE, presumably a full time student who lives at home for the summer. When I was in college NOT A SINGLE PERSON THAT I KNEW lived on their own, everyone either lived with their parents, or had their parents pay for an apartment/residence.

If they kick her out, how is she supposed to succeed in school and have a good future? If she is studying anything worth studying then it would simply be too much to work and keep up with studies at the same time. Maybe there are people who do it, but form my experience those are also people who are either in easy programs in community colleges, or don’t do well in their classes.

Catholicism has such a strong emphasis on family and raising children. Well what is the point of that if you are just going to throw your children out before they have a chance to become successful adults? Maybe in the past and currently in some segments of society people are expected to be independent at 18 or sooner, but if you hope to be college educated that is just not reasonable. It just seems very curious to see this kind of advice being given on this board. People are all for having large families and raising children, but you know raising them actually means not throwing them out to the wolves before they’ve graduated. I personally could never do something like that.

I never met a successful college student at a serious school that did it without being supported by their parents.
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Amen
 
I had several younger siblings and if I could have I would have installed a lock on my door when I came home from college for breaks. To me it seems entirely reasonable. Nothing else described seems out of the way, except attitudes and tone of voice, how the family communicates, how they resolve issues that arise when living family style. That cannot be conveyed, but that is where I would advise the family to look. expecting her to follow the same rules, curfew etc. as teens is excessive. Is it a case of her acting childish, or of the parents resisting her growing up, again no way to know, but if they came to me that is what I would look at. OP does not say she is bringing men home, smoking pot or doing anything immoral so unless there is an untold story it sounds as if the family has some unresolved long standing issues that are now coming to a head as the oldest child grows up.
 
Scott_D said:
Hi! I am actually the wife of “Scott D”. I hope it’s okay to use this forum; Scott doesn’t mind! …This is a “what would YOU do” kind of question. My sister asked me for advice on this situation: Her oldest daughter Katie, 20, is living at home, and making life very disruptive for her family. There are 3 younger sibs, 16, 14, and 12, who are on the receiving end of a lot of hostility from Kate. Kate has been in school, is on break for the summer, and her only job is babysitting–not very lucrative for her.She does not give any $$ for her room and board, and occasionally is asked to help out with driving, but she is not truly generous in pulling her weight in the family. Her attitude is one of ‘entitlement’. Her mom (and dad) also get a lot of animosity from Kate. The final straw was finding out that Katie put a lock on her bedroom door without permission. --My sis recognizes that Katie should be on her own, but weighing the practical, emotional, financial issues is a challenge. I suggested that Katie be given a time period (6 mos?) in which she would be, basically, a boarder–paying rent, heat, food, etc. Then when 6 mos are up, it wouldn’t be such a shock to be in the real world. My sis said they tried charging rent, and never followed through on collecting it!

My sister and family are not practicing Catholics; they are Unitarian. Which should not make much difference in this case, but just FYI. Anyone with similar situations out there? I’d pass on any advice to my sister! --Lisa D. : )
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Kick her out. She sounds like she’s a problem child.
 
Abbadon said:
I could never imagine anyone charging their child money to live with them in their home. It’s just so weird.
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It’s usually a “hint” to the person to move out.

I agree with others that more information about Kate is needed. If she’s a full-time student at “State U” studying pre-med with a good GPA and is home for the summer, that’s different than if she’s a full-time student in the same city and living at home year-round, and that’s different than if she’s a part-time student at a community college or for-profit college living at home year-round.

But her parents have to watch out…

My fiancee’s sister graduated from Harvard (of all places) and was a complete “moocher” while in college, she expected her sisters to pay to fly her back and forth from school, she expected her sisters to give her shelter, food, clothes, and transportation in the summers, and she even expected a salary for doing all of that (she’d move in with a sister and either be “childcare” or “petcare” while she was there). When Christmas came around, people got $5 desk calendars or just hand-made cards, while she expected elaborate gifts (she’d tell you what to buy). Meanwhile, she didn’t work and racked up huge amounts of debt because she had 0 responsibility.

At the end of all of it, the Harvard graduate doesn’t have a job (she never worked a day in her life, and companies want those with at least some experience), she lives with one of her sisters, and is deeply, deeply in debt. She isn’t looking for a job (she has “no interest in working”), she already has a master’s degree to delay college (and has “no interest in more school”). And what does Ms. Responsible do now? She frequently travels out of the country because she has no care in the world.

Obviously, that’s a worst case scenario, but it’s a telling story of what happens when you let someone mooch.
 
Abbadon said:
I’m 22 and live at home, If my mother had her way I wouldn’t leave home till I was 30, or maybe never…
I have never paid rent and my parents would never charge me either. I could never imagine anyone charging their child money to live with them in their home. It’s just so weird. My mom does all the cooking and washes my clothes to. If she asks me to do anything however I just kind of do it, as long as it’s not exams time.
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I think the real issue is more the disruptive behavior and the attitude. Charging money will just make it more like a motel.

seriously?:confused:
Hi! I am actually the wife of “Scott D”. I hope it’s okay to use this forum; Scott doesn’t mind! …This is a “what would YOU do” kind of question. My sister asked me for advice on this situation: Her oldest daughter Katie, 20, is living at home, and making life very disruptive for her family. There are 3 younger sibs, 16, 14, and 12, who are on the receiving end of a lot of hostility from Kate. Kate has been in school, is on break for the summer, and her only job is babysitting–not very lucrative for her.She does not give any $$ for her room and board, and occasionally is asked to help out with driving, but she is not truly generous in pulling her weight in the family. Her attitude is one of ‘entitlement’. Her mom (and dad) also get a lot of animosity from Kate. The final straw was finding out that Katie put a lock on her bedroom door without permission. --My sis recognizes that Katie should be on her own, but weighing the practical, emotional, financial issues is a challenge. I suggested that Katie be given a time period (6 mos?) in which she would be, basically, a boarder–paying rent, heat, food, etc. Then when 6 mos are up, it wouldn’t be such a shock to be in the real world. My sis said they tried charging rent, and never followed through on collecting it!
Click to expand...
My sister and family are not practicing Catholics; they are Unitarian. Which should not make much difference in this case, but just FYI. Anyone with similar situations out there? I’d pass on any advice to my sister! --Lisa D. : )
Click to expand...
I think i had a lock on my BR when i was 9 or 10. I don’t see a problem with a lock, but she definitely should have asked first. Would the parents not have allowed a lock???

She’s 20 and going to school…seems like a common situation for a kid to be living at home. If the parents don’t want here there have they talked to her about it and come up with another plan? I mean, it sounds like there is a lack of communication here…

No question Kate is a grown woman and should be respectful to her parents and grateful that she’s able to live under their roof and should follow their rules and frankly if she doesn’t like it, move out. But I think there is some room for more communication/cooperation here…🤷
so unless there is an untold story it sounds as if the family has some unresolved long standing issues that are now coming to a head as the oldest child grows up.
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ah ha! yes:thumbsup:
 
If she is a full time student, I would not expect her parents to kick her out.
My older sister is a full time student who is not living at home this summer because she has a job in her college’s city. (As a note, my parents are paying for the rent on a house that she is living in with several other students for the summer and this year. They’ve been saving money for college for me and my sister since we were babies.)
I’m also a full time student living at home, and I start work this coming Monday. (Believe me, I’m lucky I have a job–summer jobs are pretty scarce this year.)

All this being said, I will tell you that it is a shock to come home from college and have my parents suddenly telling me to clean my room and mow the lawn, but it was expected.

I would suggest that your sister immediately remove the lock from the door because her daughter did not ask for permission to install the new door hardware. Your sister really needs to make it clear to her daughter that she is living in the family’s home, and as long as she is living there she will have responsibilities including the responsibility to respect her parents and the rules of the house!
If they find their daughter’s actions to be disrespectful or sinful in any way, they should deal with it directly.

(Just as a note, I do not know any college students who are not dependent on their parents for a place to live.) I hope this helps a little!
 
flyingfish said:
I personally don’t understand this attitude. She is IN COLLEGE, presumably a full time student who lives at home for the summer. When I was in college NOT A SINGLE PERSON THAT I KNEW lived on their own, everyone either lived with their parents, or had their parents pay for an apartment/residence.

If they kick her out, how is she supposed to succeed in school and have a good future? If she is studying anything worth studying then it would simply be too much to work and keep up with studies at the same time. Maybe there are people who do it, but form my experience those are also people who are either in easy programs in community colleges, or don’t do well in their classes.

Catholicism has such a strong emphasis on family and raising children. Well what is the point of that if you are just going to throw your children out before they have a chance to become successful adults? Maybe in the past and currently in some segments of society people are expected to be independent at 18 or sooner, but if you hope to be college educated that is just not reasonable. It just seems very curious to see this kind of advice being given on this board. People are all for having large families and raising children, but you know raising them actually means not throwing them out to the wolves before they’ve graduated. I personally could never do something like that.

I never met a successful college student at a serious school that did it without being supported by their parents.
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I think this is good advice. I think I would add that since she is living with her parents and expecting some level of support from them, this will come with some strings attached - one of them is following house rules and reliving some of the burdens of everyday life.
 
It would be completly different if she were 20 and unemployed and not going to college…

then I’d give her a timeline and boot her from my nest.

As others have said, if she is a successful college student who is just home on summer break, I think it’s not at all unreasonable to expect a period of adjustment for everyone. I also don’t think the lock is a big deal. Maybe the little sibs were constantly in her room… a room that had previously been up for grabs while she was at school?

I also think the Unitarian Church is really strange. You didn’t ask about that last part - I’m just saying. 😃
 
It’s not uncommon for college students to pay their own way. My parents did not spend a dime on my education and I only stayed with family the summer after my freshman year. I spent half the summer living with my grandma and taking summer classes at a community college (much cheaper than my state university) and the other half of the summer living with my dad, working, and taking more classes at the community college. I graduated with $0 debt. My best friend doesn’t get any money from her family either. Actually, I didn’t know any college students that lived off campus that had family paying their way. Most got scholarships, loans. and worked.
 
Scott_D said:
Hi! I am actually the wife of “Scott D”. I hope it’s okay to use this forum; Scott doesn’t mind! …This is a “what would YOU do” kind of question. My sister asked me for advice on this situation: Her oldest daughter Katie, 20, is living at home, and making life very disruptive for her family. There are 3 younger sibs, 16, 14, and 12, who are on the receiving end of a lot of hostility from Kate. Kate has been in school, is on break for the summer, and her only job is babysitting–not very lucrative for her.She does not give any $$ for her room and board, and occasionally is asked to help out with driving, but she is not truly generous in pulling her weight in the family. Her attitude is one of ‘entitlement’. Her mom (and dad) also get a lot of animosity from Kate. The final straw was finding out that Katie put a lock on her bedroom door without permission. --My sis recognizes that Katie should be on her own, but weighing the practical, emotional, financial issues is a challenge. I suggested that Katie be given a time period (6 mos?) in which she would be, basically, a boarder–paying rent, heat, food, etc. Then when 6 mos are up, it wouldn’t be such a shock to be in the real world. My sis said they tried charging rent, and never followed through on collecting it!

My sister and family are not practicing Catholics; they are Unitarian. Which should not make much difference in this case, but just FYI. Anyone with similar situations out there? I’d pass on any advice to my sister! --Lisa D. : )
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Internet Ettiquette says it’s a no-no to use another’s account ID even if identifying yourself. Just FYI. Hey, get your own account, we’ll be glad to chat with you . 😉

I’m not sure if I know enough to give really good advice.
I’m assuming the lock was outside the door so that the family couldn’t get in when Katie went out? . Lock comes off. That’s not acceptable.

Katie needs to understand that she is disrupting family life and that it can’t continue. She should be given a choice about what she wants to do. Conform to some clearly spelled out behaviors and situations or go out on her own. The parents really need to sit down and write up a list of things they want to see happen and behaviors they want changed or taking place. Chores they want done, comments or words they don’t want to hear etc. Be specific. They need to be on the same page and stay there . Backing each other up. They can draw up a contract and ask her to sign it. They have to do this formally since they weren’t good about following through before. Your Sister could still help with college even if Katie decides to live on her own.

My DH and I have supported 2 sons through college.They went away to college.We paid most of it and they did take out basic loans to help out. They’ve worked summers and helped out with chores when they were home. They were and still are supportive of family life and respectful or our rules and all family members. They appreciate all that was done for them and they worked hard and graduated with honors. No , we all aren’t perfect , we have our share of squabbles, but you get my point.🙂 This can be done. We will also support our daughter (now 17) through college.

I’m guessing there might be more to this story than a suddenly ungrateful young woman. Probably a history of issues. They could consider some counseling if they want to continue living together and are aware of “issues” that warrant it .

Praying for them.
 
I had to live with my parents for a bit when I was in college. I understand how stressful it can be one everyone. Please remember that someone has to set some ground rules, and she has to live by them. The tough love aspect can be brutal, but put the emphsis on LOVE-and, if all else fails, show her that living by yourself and supporting yourself can produce a self worth that everyone needs to feel.
 
She sounds like a normal 20 year old to me 🤷 She put a lock on her door for some privacy. I don’t see the big deal about that either.

She’s in college; I would be proud if my daughter were in college. 20 year olds still don’t understand how lucky they are and they still take things for granted. It doesn’t hit until mid-20’s that mom and dad are great people.

How many hours a week is she babysitting? Is it a large number of hours?

Charging rent is crazy (she’s their child, not a tenant). Kicking her out is like saying, “We don’t care about you. Go and fight your own way through this world because we can’t be bothered.”

I had to pay my way through university and it was bloody hard!!! I was sleep deprived, stressed, over-worked…why do that to a 20 year old? I graduated with a 75% average, but I still don’t know how I did it. It was a big blur for me. I worked as a bartender to make enough money to pay my rent, bills, books, etc. and I still had to get student loans. The idea of my daughter bartending and having men luring at her would be enough for me to put up with my daughters normal 20 year old behaviour because that’s the type of job she would have to get to make ends meet and be successful at school.

No parent should throw their child away because they can’t be bothered anymore. It’s just wrong.
 
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