Daughter overstaying her welcome

[carolin_A]

I’m 22 and live at home, If my mother had her way I wouldn’t leave home till I was 30, or maybe never…
I have never paid rent and my parents would never charge me either. I could never imagine anyone charging their child money to live with them in their home. It’s just so weird. My mom does all the cooking and washes my clothes to. If she asks me to do anything however I just kind of do it, as long as it’s not exams time. I think the real issue is more the disruptive behavior and the attitude. Charging money will just make it more like a motel.

I totally agee with you. Can’t imagine, not having the kids around the house, if they all leave on turning 18. The house will be too empty and quiet . We must teach them to be responsible and contribute in the house if they are still living in. Children are God’s gift to us.

In Asian cluture kids live in, tilll they are ready to get married, even if this means, being in their late twenties. Maybe thats why parents in their old age stay with their childen. It’s give back time.

 

[Serap]

I totally agee with you. Can’t imagine, not having the kids around the house, if they all leave on turning 18. The house will be too empty and quiet . We must teach them to be responsible and contribute in the house if they are still living in. Children are God’s gift to us.

In Asian cluture kids live in, tilll they are ready to get married, even if this means, being in their late twenties. Maybe thats why parents in their old age stay with their childen. It’s give back time.

I completely agree with this. My husband is Italian and it’s the same. Family looks after eachother and to an Italian mother, the thought of telling her child to go would be alien to her.

I think it’s a new way of thinking (just in the last century) and it coincides with the breakdown of the family unit in our society.

 

[babala]

I have five children and two of them are in their twenties. I also agree that the parents need to make their expectations known and give consequences for broken agreements. She should be required to get a real job over the summer. This would provide her and the younger siblings limited exposure to eachother and also she would gain some good parts of independence. I don’t agree about the lock on the door. She should have asked her parents first since it is their house. Right now the lesson to be learned is love. She does not seem to understand all that word entails. I do feel that the parents need to exercise tough love because, as someone else said, there are six sets of eyes and ears taking all of this in and if the parents are not careful, they will have an even tougher time of it with each successive sibling

 

[Serap]

I have five children and two of them are in their twenties. I also agree that the parents need to make their expectations known and give consequences for broken agreements. She should be required to get a real job over the summer. This would provide her and the younger siblings limited exposure to eachother and also she would gain some good parts of independence. I don’t agree about the lock on the door. She should have asked her parents first since it is their house. Right now the lesson to be learned is love. She does not seem to understand all that word entails. I do feel that the parents need to exercise tough love because, as someone else said, there are six sets of eyes and ears taking all of this in and if the parents are not careful, they will have an even tougher time of it with each successive sibling

I agree that parents need to set boundaries, but I caution that “tough love” doesn’t mean kicking your daughter out of the house to fend for herself.

We are in the middle of a huge recession and jobs are very scarce. It may be an unrealistic expectation to expect her to get a summer job - perhaps she has tried and has gone on interviews…we don’t know.

She should however be volunteering at the church and doing something to make her feel good about herself. I tend to feel depressed and frustrated when I’m bored. Perhaps she’s a little bored and needs a little shove at home.

 

[ComputerGeek25]

I agree that parents need to set boundaries, but I caution that “tough love” doesn’t mean kicking your daughter out of the house to fend for herself.

We are in the middle of a huge recession and jobs are very scarce. It may be an unrealistic expectation to expect her to get a summer job - perhaps she has tried and has gone on interviews…we don’t know.

She should however be volunteering at the church and doing something to make her feel good about herself. I tend to feel depressed and frustrated when I’m bored. Perhaps she’s a little bored and needs a little shove at home.

I have to agree with you here, Serap.

Kicking someone out may not be the best advice anyways, even when times are good - unless there is a really really good reason behind it.

I remember looking for work during the last recession. It’s hard to find anything worth while with an education/experience.

I think the parents sit with the daughter and set some reasonable goals and expectations for the summer.

 

[ComputerGeek25]

One other suggestion. If she’s looking for something constructive to do, why not take college courses during the summer? It will get her out of the house, and keep her occupied. I took courses over the summer and it enabled me to graduate early.

 

[babala]

I said nothing about kicking the daughter out. We certainly do not know all of the circumstances involved to make that call. Tough love comes in many forms. The child’s willingness to cooperate would dictate what step(s) the parents would and should take. But we also need to remember that this child is an adult (albeit a young one) and she needs to behave like one. Her parents cannot stagnate her growth in this area because they are doing her a disservice. Every child, every parent, every circumstance is unique and as parents, we do the best we can with what we have.

 

[Serap]

I said nothing about kicking the daughter out. We certainly do not know all of the circumstances involved to make that call. Tough love comes in many forms. The child’s willingness to cooperate would dictate what step(s) the parents would and should take. But we also need to remember that this child is an adult (albeit a young one) and she needs to behave like one. Her parents cannot stagnate her growth in this area because they are doing her a disservice. Every child, every parent, every circumstance is unique and as parents, we do the best we can with what we have.

Everyone matures at a different rate. Maybe she’s 20 going on 16. Her parents need to be loving to their gift from God; many of us were once self-centered at that age too. I’m not saying no discipline…not at all. I have issues with the words tough love, but I’m a suck.

She is not really an adult yet. She’s not even finished her undergrad. Kids are maturing more slowly than they used to.

It depends on the person, but many don’t become adults until they hit their mid-20’s. It seems to be that way b/c it is so hard to get started financially these days. Kids don’t really begin to learn the ropes until they are finished school and have their first real full-time career job. Until then, they don’t understand much about the real world.

 

[sparkielee]

I had several younger siblings and if I could have I would have installed a lock on my door when I came home from college for breaks. To me it seems entirely reasonable. Nothing else described seems out of the way, except attitudes and tone of voice, how the family communicates, how they resolve issues that arise when living family style.

When I was about 11 years old, my two younger brothers went into my room and stole things. There was a lock that would lock from the inside if I just wanted to lock myself inside my room. But I didn’t have the kind of lock that kept other people out of my room when I was gone.

I received no “sympathy” from my parents. I felt I was in a no-win situation since my parents refused to guard my room so I can do dishes or let me out of doing dishes so I can guard it myself. In fact they said I just needed to put my belongings in drawers. But I was still in bed when I saw one of them walk into my room and steal something out of my drawer.

I felt I needed some kind of cooperation from my parents to keep the boys out of my room when I wasn’t there-such as a padlock on my door!