Daughter Traveling Europe w/Boyfriend

[Chortle]

Is it a sin for my 18 year-old daughter to travel in Europe for 3 to 6 months with her boyfriend? She told me that she hasn’t had sex with him yet (they’ve only been an item for about 4 months) and doesn’t plan on having sex with him on the trip. She said that they will sleep in separate quarters during the trip.

 

[Catholic90]

I traveled to Europe for 1 month with my then BF (now DH) when I was 21 and in college. We did not sleep together and maintained separate sleeping quarters. (We were traveling southern Europe for 3 weeks with a college tour, and then at the end, just the 2 of us flew up to England for 1 week). We did not get married for another 5 years!!

She is 18, so I am assuming she is in college?

 

[kage_ar]

Remember the golden rule, he who has the gold makes the rules.

Are you supporting your daughter financially? If you are, you can say NOPE and not finance the fornication romp through Europe. If she is supporting herself, you can suggest that this is a bad idea, and pray like the dickens.

 

[Bluegoat]

If she wants to be having sex with him, she doesn’t have to go to Europe to do it. If she would lie to you about it (and lots of girls, even nice ones, would to their moms,) then she doesn’t need Europe for that either.

If you are worried that the trip will present temptations she might not expect, say so. But she is an adult - she is going to have to be able to handle her own sex life. If it turns out you were right, then she’ll have learned something about life.

 

[Kit15]

If she wants to be having sex with him, she doesn’t have to go to Europe to do it. If she would lie to you about it (and lots of girls, even nice ones, would to their moms,) then she doesn’t need Europe for that either.

This was basically my mom’s attitude when she allowed my then boyfriend (now husband) to go for a long weekend in Baltimore together (we didn’t have separate rooms but we had additional roommates with us.). We had been dating for 4 years…plenty of time to have behind-her-back sex multiple times if we wanted to. She acknowledged that if we were going to have sex we would have already done it and let us go. And we ended up have a lot of sexless fun.

In spite of that, your case does make me somewhat uncomfortable. Dating for 4 months and going to Europe for 3-6 months? I’m not doubting you’re daughter’s ability to not have sex. But how well do you know the boy? Is he an old friend? Has he been over for dinner a few times?

I’m just asking because my parents were very big on getting to know our significant others. It wasn’t like the Inquisition all the time. More like they were invited to tag along with the family when we went out to do various things. The idea of me going to Europe with a boy I’ve been dating for 4 months would be enough to totally freak mom out…especially if I had not known him for very long beforehand (at least DH and I were like best friends for about 5 years before dating so he was no stranger to my folks),

 

[Seatuck]

Is it a sin for my 18 year-old daughter to travel in Europe for 3 to 6 months with her boyfriend? She told me that she hasn’t had sex with him yet (they’ve only been an item for about 4 months) and doesn’t plan on having sex with him on the trip. She said that they will sleep in separate quarters during the trip.

If they maintain separate sleeping quarters it can be tolerated but not the best thing. There is still the possibility of the sin of scandal and the near occaision of sin even if they don’t fornicate.

Why can’t we go back to the time of chaperons?

 

[Omyo12]

Is it a sin for my 18 year-old daughter to travel in Europe for 3 to 6 months with her boyfriend? She told me that she hasn’t had sex with him yet (they’ve only been an item for about 4 months) and doesn’t plan on having sex with him on the trip. She said that they will sleep in separate quarters during the trip.

Is your daughter very trustworthy?

If so, why not let her?
Remember the real golden rule: “Treats others as you would like to be treated.”
If you are trustworthy and want to be trusted, why not do the same to others?

Now if you think she might have sex… well, I’d say you need to talk to her about this trip.

 

[ditch]

QUOTE: If they maintain separate sleeping quarters it can be tolerated but not the best thing. There is still the possibility of the sin of scandal and the near occaision of sin even if they don’t fornicate. Why can’t we go back to the time of chaperons?

Are you serious? I feel like I’m trapped in the movie Footloose or Dirty Dancing with your answer. Fornicate … you should use copulation 2. Sounds funny, like you’re talking about farm animals. Is this Jim Bob & Michelle Duggar from the TLC show 18 Kids and Counting?

As far as the daughter going to Europe, I would worry about her going for 6 months with a boy she’s only known for 4. Europe can be a very dangerous place for a young, pretty girl. There’s a lot of kidnapping of american girls for the black market sex trade. Watch the moves TAKEN, HOSTEL and HOSTEL II with her before you decide to let her go. I know they are just movies, but they are based on real experiences.

As far as sex, that could happen in the boyfriends car parked outside your house.

 

[BillP]

If you are, you can say NOPE and not finance the fornication romp through Europe.

Aren’t we just brimming over with charity today?

Even after the OP posts that his daughter isn’t sleeping with the BF, you call her a liar and assume the worst.

Wow.

 

[bbentrup]

Is it a sin for my 18 year-old daughter to travel in Europe for 3 to 6 months with her boyfriend? She told me that she hasn’t had sex with him yet (they’ve only been an item for about 4 months) and doesn’t plan on having sex with him on the trip. She said that they will sleep in separate quarters during the trip.

Traveling isn’t sinful. Traveling with others isn’t sinful, per se. Traveling with a boyfriend/girlfriend can certainly be a near occasion of sin (lust, premarital sex, etc.). And some would argue, perhaps legitimately, that it could be scandalous. If none of those things happened, however, then afterwards the trip probably could have been deemed innocent enough. The problem is: we don’t have the luxury of knowing the future. It seems unwise to risk this near occasion of sin when there are other avenues to explore.

It troubles me, on moral grounds, that she says (reportedly) that she doesn’t plan on having sex with him. That may simply be a loose way of expressing the church’s view that sex is immoral before marriage and she would never commit this sin, but on the other hand, it might be that she isn’t making premarital sex her default plan in this instance but the option is still on the table if everything goes ‘perfectly’.

As one dad to another, if my daughter proposed this plan to me, I would reject sponsoring it, and would counsel her not to for the reasons outlined above. If she went with a chaperoned group which would alleviate the sin of scandal and perhaps prevent the near occasion of sin, I would be much more inclined to listen. A chaperone of a friend would not meet my minimum standard, but it may barely satisfy the moral requirements you face as sponsor (unsure). I personally wouldn’t settle until there was an adult I trusted, and even then I’d be thinking over it real hard. You can tell her it’s not about you trusting her or not, it’s a matter of avoiding potential scandal and for her own protection about which you have a moral obligation to ensure.

 

[aicirt]

Is it a sin for my 18 year-old daughter to travel in Europe for 3 to 6 months with her boyfriend? She told me that she hasn’t had sex with him yet (they’ve only been an item for about 4 months) and doesn’t plan on having sex with him on the trip. She said that they will sleep in separate quarters during the trip.

I assume your daughter is either just out of high school or between her freshman and sophmore year in college.

Has she traveled independently before? Where are they going in Europe? Three to six months is really a long time. What is this going to cost? Where do they plan on staying? What is the purpose of the trip? Just bumming around? Not good. Do either of them have contacts in these countries? Speak any languages?

How old is he? What’s his experience? Have you met his family? Are there other people going? Safety in numbers.

There is nothing romantic about having your passport stolen, your wallet stolen, and you are left to sleep on a park bench without any idea of how you are to get help. And if your traveling partner dumps you alone in a foreign country, your daughter can be left in an extremely stressful situation.

 

[tjm190]

I assume your daughter is either just out of high school or between her freshman and sophmore year in college.

Has she traveled independently before? Where are they going in Europe? Three to six months is really a long time. What is this going to cost? Where do they plan on staying? What is the purpose of the trip? Just bumming around? Not good. Do either of them have contacts in these countries? Speak any languages?

How old is he? What’s his experience? Have you met his family? Are there other people going? Safety in numbers.

There is nothing romantic about having your passport stolen, your wallet stolen, and you are left to sleep on a park bench without any idea of how you are to get help. And if your traveling partner dumps you alone in a foreign country, your daughter can be left in an extremely stressful situation.

This. Inexperienced tourists can get eaten alive in foreign countries (even ours!)

 

[ryecroft]

Obviously, she knows how you feel about pre marital sex or she wouldn’t have told you that it wasn’t in her plans. A good point has been made and that was that she could have sex anytime anywhere in the states - why get so anxious about it happening in another country. Personally I did a lot of travel, some on my own some with others and it made me a better more self reliant person. If your wallet is stolen along with your passport, you learn you need to find the consolate of your own country. Also, if you give her the third degree over this, when she has just become an adult, how likely do you think she would be to call you and ask for help if something did happen? You don’t want her resenting you for being overly anal retentive about one subject - sex - but if you talk about some other things that concern you, you two can have a contingency plan made up for those what if situations. Boy friends come and go - yes some become husbands but she’ll always be your daughter even if she has become legal age. I’m also with the poster who felt it was wong to assume your daughter would lie to you about this - unless she has given you reason to believe she’s lying to you. And some seem worried about scandal - if she is in Europe, with her BF, who is she going to e scandalizing? Just because some people will want to assume whatever they will should not keep anyone from doing anything. What is that saying, “as a man thinkith so is he…”
Good Luck,
Rye

 

[markxcool]

Is it a sin for my 18 year-old daughter to travel in Europe for 3 to 6 months with her boyfriend? She told me that she hasn’t had sex with him yet (they’ve only been an item for about 4 months) and doesn’t plan on having sex with him on the trip. She said that they will sleep in separate quarters during the trip.

Fact: 18 year olds do stupid things
Fact: 18 year olds are horny
Fact: Away from home/parents (read: accountability) several (all?) safe-guards to be smart and chaste will be gone
Fact: Your daughter will be experiencing situations, people and places that she never experienced before in her life
Fact: Your daughter will be more time away (from you) with her BF than the time she has actually knowns him

It sounds like you are going to have grand-kids! Congratulations!

If this were my daughter, I would go together with them, shot-gun in hands the whole time. This is because I would be practicing the Golden Rule… I have no doubt that I would need this realistic analysis, even though I would not want it.

Albeit, we know nothing about your family and values, let’s not be blind to the fact that she would be much more vulnerable to having sex with an insistent BF far from home than if she knew she would have to see your gaze in the morning.

Yeah, I am harsh. Have a great day, though!

 

[RMW]

When I was 24, I decided to go to Peru to do several months of volunteer work. At the end of my time there, I had plans to go hike Machu Picchu with my then-boyfriend, who was going to come visit me from the States. We were going to have separate quarters and I had no intention of engaging in any unchaste acts. By that time in my life, I had lived away from home for 5 years and I was going to daily Mass several times/week and had an active prayer life. You would have thought I was trustworthy, no? Well, my parents decided that it was not acceptable for me to go on an unchaperoned trip with my BF precisely because of the sin of scandal, (not to mention the fact that it might constitute a near occasion of sin, which, when we go to Confession, we resolve to avoid). As a result, my mother and his mother offered to fly down and join us for our trip. Reluctantly, we agreed. I must admit, at the time, I thought it was rather ridiculous and antiquated. However, I think I ultimately agreed because in my heart I knew it was scandalous. Anyone encountering us on that trip would have assumed we were like any other contemporary couple in an unchaste relationship. Furthermore, it could cast doubt in the minds of those who knew us on our commitment to chastity. I am now married to someone else and a mother to his child, and I am so glad that my parents decided to step in - imagine having to tell my husband that I went on an unchaperoned trip with some other man? Although we may have managed to be chaste, imagine how that might change my husband’s perception of me? (And perhaps of our honeymoon? My first unchaperoned trip alone with a man would not have been with him.)

So, from a grateful daughter’s perspective, I say go ahead and insist on a chaperone or refuse to assist with the trip - she will eventually see it as the wise and loving act of a mother/father looking out for her best interest. Remember - our job as parents is to get our kids back to our Heavenly Father and how can we honestly say we are doing that if we are sponsoring or condoning acts of scandal and near occasions of sin?

 

[Tosk]

When I was 24, I decided to go to Peru to do several months of volunteer work. At the end of my time there, I had plans to go hike Machu Picchu with my then-boyfriend, who was going to come visit me from the States. We were going to have separate quarters and I had no intention of engaging in any unchaste acts. By that time in my life, I had lived away from home for 5 years and I was going to daily Mass several times/week and had an active prayer life. You would have thought I was trustworthy, no? Well, my parents decided that it was not acceptable for me to go on an unchaperoned trip with my BF precisely because of the sin of scandal, (not to mention the fact that it might constitute a near occasion of sin, which, when we go to Confession, we resolve to avoid). As a result, my mother and his mother offered to fly down and join us for our trip. Reluctantly, we agreed. I must admit, at the time, I thought it was rather ridiculous and antiquated. However, I think I ultimately agreed because in my heart I knew it was scandalous. Anyone encountering us on that trip would have assumed we were like any other contemporary couple in an unchaste relationship. Furthermore, it could cast doubt in the minds of those who knew us on our commitment to chastity. I am now married to someone else and a mother to his child, and I am so glad that my parents decided to step in - imagine having to tell my husband that I went on an unchaperoned trip with some other man? Although we may have managed to be chaste, imagine how that might change my husband’s perception of me? (And perhaps of our honeymoon? My first unchaperoned trip alone with a man would not have been with him.)

So, from a grateful daughter’s perspective, I say go ahead and insist on a chaperone or refuse to assist with the trip - she will eventually see it as the wise and loving act of a mother/father looking out for her best interest. Remember - our job as parents is to get our kids back to our Heavenly Father and how can we honestly say we are doing that if we are sponsoring or condoning acts of scandal and near occasions of sin?

You were 24 and hadn’t lived at home for 5 years and your parents still had a say so in your life? That just seems amazing to me. My parents haven’t had any part in my decisions since I moved out when I was 17.

I don’t see how traveling with someone is any different than living alone in the same town with your GF/BF. I assume most adults don’t have a chaperone go with them on dates or accompany them over to their GF/BF’s house. I don’t see why going on dates is more of an occasion for sin or scandal when you’re traveling than when you’re at home.

 

[Ginkgo100]

Is it a sin for my 18 year-old daughter to travel in Europe for 3 to 6 months with her boyfriend? She told me that she hasn’t had sex with him yet (they’ve only been an item for about 4 months) and doesn’t plan on having sex with him on the trip. She said that they will sleep in separate quarters during the trip.

It’s not a sin per se if her intention is to remain chaste, but it is definitely a near occasion of sin. A wise person would say that the chance of remaining chaste in those circumstances is much smaller than she thinks it is. Also, there is the possibility of causing scandal, which is a sin against charity.

I’m alarmed by the little word “yet” when you say she claims not to have had sex with her boyfriend. Does it imply that she expects she eventually will (w/o marriage)? Or that you expect she will?

 

[Mrs_Sally]

This was basically my mom’s attitude when she allowed my then boyfriend (now husband) to go for a long weekend in Baltimore together (we didn’t have separate rooms but we had additional roommates with us.). We had been dating for 4 years…plenty of time to have behind-her-back sex multiple times if we wanted to. She acknowledged that if we were going to have sex we would have already done it and let us go. And we ended up have a lot of sexless fun.

In spite of that, your case does make me somewhat uncomfortable. Dating for 4 months and going to Europe for 3-6 months? I’m not doubting you’re daughter’s ability to not have sex. But how well do you know the boy? Is he an old friend? Has he been over for dinner a few times?
I’m just asking because my parents were very big on getting to know our significant others. It wasn’t like the Inquisition all the time. More like they were invited to tag along with the family when we went out to do various things. The idea of me going to Europe with a boy I’ve been dating for 4 months would be enough to totally freak mom out…especially if I had not known him for very long beforehand (at least DH and I were like best friends for about 5 years before dating so he was no stranger to my folks),

The bolded part is what I have a question about also. 4 months is not a long time to know someone. What if they argue about travel plans and break up while in Europe? Is your daughter organized and mature enough to get herself home from Europe on her own if need be? Do you trust the boy to take care of her if she gets sick?

While I think many 18yo would be fine travelling through Europe, I think I would feel better if my daughter were with someone I knew much better, perhaps a larger group (or at least 2 couples so she would have a woman friend to help in certain situations). There are quite a few other safety concerns than just would they have sex while gone.

 

[akoso]

As far as the daughter going to Europe, I would worry about her going for 6 months with a boy she’s only known for 4. Europe can be a very dangerous place for a young, pretty girl. There’s a lot of kidnapping of american girls for the black market sex trade. Watch the moves TAKEN, HOSTEL and HOSTEL II with her before you decide to let her go. I know they are just movies, but they are based on real experiences.

A LOT of kidnapping of American girls for the black market sex trade? Okay, this one definitely has to be considered a gross exaggeration. Taken and Hostel are not based on real life experiences… they’re horror/thriller movies made to entertain people. I’m not saying an American girl has never been kidnapped for sex, but it’s unbelievably uncommon… so much so that I would challenge you to find any statistics about it. I bet there isn’t even one out there. Have you been to Europe? Some of it is more civilized and makes more sense than what we’re up to in North America.

 

[JG77]

Is it a sin for my 18 year-old daughter to travel in Europe for 3 to 6 months with her boyfriend? She told me that she hasn’t had sex with him yet (they’ve only been an item for about 4 months) and doesn’t plan on having sex with him on the trip. She said that they will sleep in separate quarters during the trip.

The fact is, is that you are her parent. You are her protector and guardian. That means keeping her from danger; physical as well as spiritual.

Here’s a question: Do you think you are protecting your daughter from any physical and spiritual harm by letting her lose in Europe with her boyfriend for 3 to 6 months? Even if she is 18, she is still your child! Give her what is best for her - not just what will make her happy. Saying good-bye and watching her go off with another man for 3 to 6 months does not sound like the best for her.

Remember, sin is not just the things we do but also those things we fail to do.