Daughter wants to overnight with bf, and his family at cabin

[Earningmywings]

Hello,

I have a dilemma with in a situation with many layers. My daughter (17) who was a good, faithful, practicing Catholic until almost 3 years ago when she became a victim of online sexual abuse at the hands of an older guy (21 at the time). They were never able to meet face to face thank God, but the emotional damage runs deep. He is now serving a 7 year sentence in a state prison. As for our daughter, early on she began refusing to attend mass, or have anything to do with our faith, she has become very withdrawn, pushed away all of her friends, has very low self esteem, spends all of her time with her bf, ( not the best choice either) has recently quit therapy, and has made all kinds of bad choices.

Her bf’s Mom tried to get us to allow her to go to their cabin for the weekend last summer and we wouldn’t let her go. Yesterday our daughter came. home asking again to go to the cabin with the bf and his family for this weekend. My husband says it might help establish communication, trust, and start building a bond between our daughter and us again.

I have reservations that allowing her to go will, in her mind, possibly condone bad behaviors, but I also have suspicions that with or without our permission, she has been lying and making bad choices right along.

We would love to.be able to do things the way the ideal parents would, but we have never had the resources or support that she needed to follow through with those things. My husband and I are both from decent sized families, but we have essentially been on our own. We know we’ve made mistakes, but we are doing the best we can, for our daughter and younger son. If you would, please say a prayer for our family.

Thank you so much and God Bless You

 

[mommy_k]

Your dd has experienced trauma.

imho i would not let a child who refused therapy do anything that could jeopardize healing…I would let them know that until therapy is resumed they could not go…

I would also have to know for sure that the bf family is on the exact same page regarding chastity.

I would also consult a priest and therapist for advice on how to parent to teens affected by trauma if you have not yet done so.

 

[Xantippe]

Your dd has experienced trauma.

**imho i would not let a child who refused therapy do anything that could jeopardize healing…I would let them know that until therapy is resumed they could not go…
**
I would also have to know for sure that the bf family is on the exact same page regarding chastity.

I would also consult a priest and therapist for advice on how to parent to teens affected by trauma if you have not yet done so.

That is very reasonable.

 

[Allegra]

If I had the world’s most responsible daughter, I have a hard time imagining a situation where I would feel comfortable allowing my underage daughter to overnight with her boyfriend. I would have to know the family really, really well at the very least.

 

[Xantippe]

If I had the world’s most responsible daughter, I have a hard time imagining a situation where I would feel comfortable allowing my underage daughter to overnight with her boyfriend. I would have to know the family really, really well at the very least.

Yeah.

There is the question though–what about next year when she’s 18?

 

[Entwhistler]

Yeah.

There is the question though–what about next year when she’s 18?

Age does not equal maturity unfortunately. Those closest (AKA Mom and Dad) truly know when one is mature enough. 18 only means that becoming mature will occur somewhat soon. Alas, “soon” sometimes means waiting ten years.

 

[Earningmywings]

Mommyk,

Thank you for your response. I have considered that altimatum before, but I don’t feel she was being completely honest with the therapist especially towards the end. She had to switch therapist 4 times not by her choice, (out of our control) and her last therapist was interim who had previous experience in a juvenile jail setting. The last session ended with our daughter in the bathroom crying before we left. I wasn’t in the session but I am assuming the therapist got to her, but that was the last time she would go.

I have been speaking with a priest since the begining. Her confirmation sponsor was one of our associate pastors who met with her once every few months for a little while before and just after the trama. She stopped that as well.

The bf’s parents are divorced and the apple (bf) doesn’t fall far from the tree. Mom seems to be a bit of an enabler and wants to be best friends with her children and my daughter. Dad has remarried, and has all but given up on problem son.

The Mom has tried contacting me to discuss the situation so I am sure at some point we will be talking soon, I just don’t know if it’s possible for her to be on the same page.

 

[Xantippe]

Age does not equal maturity unfortunately. Those closest (AKA Mom and Dad) truly know when one is mature enough. 18 only means that becoming mature will occur somewhat soon. Alas, “soon” sometimes means waiting ten years.

The parents are going to be on very different ground then, though, as she will legally be able to go where she pleases when she pleases.

They are free to tell her she can’t do it and also live under their roof, but that is a pretty nuclear option.

The problem is that at that point the options get more limited.

You can refuse to provide housing (but what if she moves in with the fun boyfriend and his parents?), tell her to pay for her phone (but she could probably cover that pretty easily), cut off her health insurance (but do you want her not to have health insurance?),
stop paying for college (but do you want her not to go to college?), etc.

It gets tough.

I would suggest that the OP and her husband talk this through in detail and have a strategy ready, as it sounds like all heck is ready to break loose.

(I suggest making going to therapy a condition of having a parent-paid phone, because it’s very proportionate–going to therapy is much less trouble than paying for your own phone. But I’d offer the olive branch of using a different therapist.)

Good luck!

 

[Xantippe]

A couple of online friends’ kids and my daughter’s senior classmates were at this stage over the last several months, and it is a big pain in the neck. I was seeing some really epic senioritis at a pretty strict school. (It all seemed to begin right around the time college acceptances got back and the kids got back from their big senior trip.)

 

[Earningmywings]

Allegra,
I agree with you, but I feel like I need to keep my daughter at home where I can still influence her until she’s at least 18. She has snuck out in the middle of the night and at one point given us and the FBI agent working our case reason to believe she would run away if the opportunity presented itself. I hope we are past that stage, but I am not 100% sure.
So I worry if we don’t start building the trust and bond, the divide will continue to grow.

 

[Xantippe]

Allegra,
I agree with you, but I feel like I need to keep my daughter at home where I can still influence her until she’s at least 18. She has snuck out in the middle of the night and at one point given us and the FBI agent working our case reason to believe she would run away if the opportunity presented itself. I hope we are past that stage, but I am not 100% sure.
So I worry if we don’t start building the trust and bond, the divide will continue to grow.

Does she have any school or career goals, or is it just BOYFRIEND BOYFRIEND BOYFRIEND right now?

Also, does she have a non-parent mentor in her life that she would listen to?

 

[Earningmywings]

Xantippe,

Thank you for you response, and I think you are spot on with the 18 and possibly consequences. My first response to her sneaking out to meet bf was to take her phone away. My husband said that wouldn’t be a good idea, because if she did run the phone would help track her, even if she ditched it, it would give us a start.

At 17 she is also at the age of consent, so her choices can be manipulated to be of her own accord and law inforcement would have to accept this.

She was bullied pretty bad in elementary school and her self confidence has never recovered. She puts her self worth in others opinions of her. Mostly the bf who is very manipulative. We don’t have much interaction with her,not for lack of trying, so our saving grace maybe that he will be going into the service in September so he will be less of an influence.

 

[Earningmywings]

Entwhistler,

Thank you for your response. I always thought our daughter was very mature for her age, but her lack of self worth and self confidence has opened her to immature, behaviors and choices. I hope deep down she still has the foundation we tried to instill in her, and she will begin to listen to the prompting of the Holy Spirit. For now I just pray, alot! : )

 

[Earningmywings]

Does she have any school or career goals, or is it just BOYFRIEND BOYFRIEND BOYFRIEND right now?

Also, does she have a non-parent mentor in her life that she would listen to?

She had a goals for school and future, but the bf has changed that.
She also had a non-parent mentor when she was in therapy. Her “peer mentor” would come over once every two weeks to talk with her.

We reached out to family but no one wanted to get involved. Or they said they would, but never had the time. I have tried to organically put non parent mentors on her path, I work at her high school, but I can’t force her to be receptive to them. : )

 

[mommy_k]

Earningmywings,

In a year or so, your dd can refuse therapy. If you don’t require her to go and participate now…she may never return.

I do know that kindness and calmness help at home…and everyone needs a home that is a sanctuary from the world, even challenging teenagers. Perhaps a month or so of decompression from all of these things may be helpful for all.

Perhaps telling her that her boyfriend can stay over your home or go on a weekend trip with you may be a good compromise, as you can set the rules for this and keep an eye out.

Letting your dd go to stay over theboyfriends cabin given the details, is not being kind. It’s putting a bandaid on a problem. If the only way for her to reconnect and bond with u is to do things like this, she may use this as manipulation in the future.

 

[mdgspencer]

Until you are completely certain her boyfriend’s parents will give constant supervision, it would be a mistake.
It may be that when she is 18, though still living under your roof, she will proceed as if she is emancipated. But that would be another problem, to be resolved in another way.

 

[Xantippe]

Xantippe,

Thank you for you response, and I think you are spot on with the 18 and possibly consequences. **My first response to her sneaking out to meet bf was to take her phone away. My husband said that wouldn’t be a good idea, because if she did run the phone would help track her, even if she ditched it, it would give us a start. **

At 17 she is also at the age of consent, so her choices can be manipulated to be of her own accord and law inforcement would have to accept this.

She was bullied pretty bad in elementary school and her self confidence has never recovered. She puts her self worth in others opinions of her. Mostly the bf who is very manipulative. We don’t have much interaction with her,not for lack of trying, so our saving grace maybe that he will be going into the service in September so he will be less of an influence.

Yeah, a phone is as good as a radio collar.

Very nice to hear about boyfriend’s approaching departure. (You don’t really want her to run off to marry him the moment she turns 18, though.)

 

[Xantippe]

She had a goals for school and future, but the bf has changed that.
She also had a non-parent mentor when she was in therapy. Her “peer mentor” would come over once every two weeks to talk with her.

We reached out to family but no one wanted to get involved. Or they said they would, but never had the time. I have tried to organically put non parent mentors on her path, I work at her high school, but I can’t force her to be receptive to them. : )

Bummer.

Is she just graduated or is the coming school year her senior year?

 

[josh987654321]

Her bf’s Mom tried to get us to allow her to go to their cabin for the weekend last summer and we wouldn’t let her go.

Good decision.

Yesterday our daughter came. home asking again to go to the cabin with the bf and his family for this weekend. My husband says it might help establish communication, trust, and start building a bond between our daughter and us again.

Big mistake.

If you would, please say a prayer for our family.

Yup.

I would just mention, wait until she is finished schooling before getting her a job, that way she will be hopefully more mature before having a car and the freedom to do even more, this way you can keep the good influences in her life for as long as possible, I am also very skeptical of ‘therapy’ since a lot of people recommend it (just an easy answer IMO), I’ve never been but I have heard of some people who have received some bad advice in therapy, others have good things to say about it though. Id just double check no negative influences are there.

Id also try and be on top of social media, since that’s also where the negative influences could be coming from.

I hope this has helped

God Bless You

Josh

 

[Earningmywings]

Earningmywings,

In a year or so, your dd can refuse therapy. If you don’t require her to go and participate now…she may never return.

I do know that kindness and calmness help at home…and everyone needs a home that is a sanctuary from the world, even challenging teenagers. Perhaps a month or so of decompression from all of these things may be helpful for all.

Perhaps telling her that her boyfriend can stay over your home or go on a weekend trip with you may be a good compromise, as you can set the rules for this and keep an eye out.

Letting your dd go to stay over theboyfriends cabin given the details, is not being kind. It’s putting a bandaid on a problem. If the only way for her to reconnect and bond with u is to do things like this, she may use this as manipulation in the future.

Mommyk,

Therapy isn’t completely off the table, but her therapist told us that if she doesn’t present with problems, she doesn’t qualify for services. I don’t believe she was being truthful with the therapist, so on paper she doesn’t appear to be struggling anymore than a typical teen. Having said that, her therapist said our daughters behaviors are definitely qualifying, but she refuses to let the therapist in. I.E. lying about behaviors being a problem or even happening, so hence the appearance of not needing services.

The bf (18) wanted to move in when his Dad kicked him out of his house for breaking the law. His Mom took him in, but not before I contacted the school to get him assistance and housing. I don’t want to encourage the relationship, but I will still love him as a person that God created.

I realize the “bandaid” isn’t solVing the problem (we’ve needed to use them before), but I feel like this is a spiritual battle and the band aids will have to suffice until we get off the battlefield. If that makes any sense.