Daughter wants to overnight with bf, and his family at cabin

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josh987654321 said:
Good decision.

Big mistake.

Yup.

I would just mention, wait until she is finished schooling before getting her a job, that way she will be hopefully more mature before having a car and the freedom to do even more, this way you can keep the good influences in her life for as long as possible, I am also very skeptical of ‘therapy’ since a lot of people recommend it (just an easy answer IMO), I’ve never been but I have heard of some people who have received some bad advice in therapy, others have good things to say about it though. Id just double check no negative influences are there.

Id also try and be on top of social media, since that’s also where the negative influences could be coming from.

I hope this has helped

God Bless You

Josh
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Thank you Josh,

She has a job already, it has taught her some goods things, like responsibility, and patience, but that thought has crossed our minds too.
 
Xantippe said:
Yeah, a phone is as good as a radio collar.

Very nice to hear about boyfriend’s approaching departure. (You don’t really want her to run off to marry him the moment she turns 18, though.)
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Praying for a good guy to come along or the bf to have an epiphany.
 
josh987654321 said:
I would just mention, wait until she is finished schooling before getting her a job, that way she will be hopefully more mature before having a car and the freedom to do even more, this way you can keep the good influences in her life for as long as possible, I am also very skeptical of ‘therapy’ since a lot of people recommend it (just an easy answer IMO), I’ve never been but** I have heard of some people who have received some bad advice in therapy.**

I hope this has helped

God Bless You

Josh
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She’s not going to get worse advice from a therapist than from being joined at the hip with a manipulative boyfriend from a broken home.

The odds are that if a therapist knows about her history of abuse that the therapist will encourage her to think more about her life goals and developing a sense of identity separate from her boyfriend and rediscovering a sense of self-respect.

OP, I’d say that one of the best things for your daughter is going to be having a genuine sense of accomplishment and knowing that she matters to other people. Is there any kind of volunteering or paid work that she might benefit from?

It’s going to be kind of painful, but I think you should have that chat with boyfriend’s. Don’t show all your cards (like that you think that her son is a manipulative loser), but you could find out a lot just by having a coffee and an hour of chit chat with that mom.
 
mdgspencer said:
Until you are completely certain her boyfriend’s parents will give constant supervision, it would be a mistake.
It may be that when she is 18, though still living under your roof, she will proceed as if she is emancipated. But that would be another problem, to be resolved in another way.
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Thank you for your response Mdgspencer.
 
mommy_k said:
Earningmywings,

In a year or so, your dd can refuse therapy. If you don’t require her to go and participate now…she may never return.

I do know that kindness and calmness help at home…and everyone needs a home that is a sanctuary from the world, even challenging teenagers. Perhaps a month or so of decompression from all of these things may be helpful for all.

** Perhaps telling her that her boyfriend can stay over your home or go on a weekend trip with you may be a good compromise, as you can set the rules for this and keep an eye out.
**
Letting your dd go to stay over theboyfriends cabin given the details, is not being kind. It’s putting a bandaid on a problem. If the only way for her to reconnect and bond with u is to do things like this, she may use this as manipulation in the future.
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I have read through all the responses and think this is an excellent thought, telling her boyfriend can stay at your home. (bolding mine) It seems to be a perfect compromise and you can set the rules.

As far as forcing a young woman to go to therapy I have mixed feelings. I am not sure I would require that personally given her age. A lot of therapy is what you put into it and I have a personal bias against it as I was forced into counseling at a young teen age due to severe depression with what I thought in my teen years was a very nosy, flirtatious male psychiatrist and I hated every single minute of it. He later lost his license due to over prescribing medication above the accepted (DSM) norms and inappropriate relations with women. So, I am personally biased.

I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to have 3 different therapists

I want to let the OP know I think you are a wonderful, caring parent, and I pray that your daughter will heal and God will intervene to find the right avenue for this.

God Bless,

Mary.
 
Earningmywings said:
Mommyk,

Therapy isn’t completely off the table, but her therapist told us that if she doesn’t present with problems, she doesn’t qualify for services. I don’t believe she was being truthful with the therapist, so on paper she doesn’t appear to be struggling anymore than a typical teen. Having said that, her therapist said our daughters behaviors are definitely qualifying, but she refuses to let the therapist in. I.E. lying about behaviors being a problem or even happening, so hence the appearance of not needing services.
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facepalm

Can you find anybody with a specialty in child abuse survivors?

I feel like a better therapist will be able to see through this.

My teenage daughter sees a psychologist (she’s high-functioning autistic) and one thing I do from time to time is take one of my daughter’s appointments to tell the psychologist about everything that’s going on.

In our case, it’s very important that the psychologist sees a lot of high-functioning autistic kids, so she’s very intuitive about my daughter’s needs.
 
mommy_k said:
Perhaps telling her that her boyfriend can stay over your home or go on a weekend trip with you may be a good compromise, as you can set the rules for this and keep an eye out.

Letting your dd go to stay over theboyfriends cabin given the details, is not being kind. It’s putting a bandaid on a problem. If the only way for her to reconnect and bond with u is to do things like this, she may use this as manipulation in the future.
Click to expand...
I agree with this. Offer a compromise. It sounds to me like the trip to the cabin is not a good situation for your daughter.

My mother allowed me to go visit a boyfriend at his parents’ home out of state, with his parents and sister also there, when I was 18. However, at that point I was a college student as was he, I had been living away from home at college for the past year, I was not having issues with past trauma or therapy, the boyfriend’s family was stable and he had not been in any trouble with the law. He had also visited previously at my own house with my parents there. On both visits we had separate rooms and did not do anything untoward (I won’t say the temptation wasn’t there, but we were good and didn’t act on it).
 
Earningmywings said:
Mommyk,

Therapy isn’t completely off the table, but her therapist told us that if she doesn’t present with problems, she doesn’t qualify for services. I don’t believe she was being truthful with the therapist, so on paper she doesn’t appear to be struggling anymore than a typical teen. Having said that, her therapist said our daughters behaviors are definitely qualifying, but she refuses to let the therapist in. I.E. lying about behaviors being a problem or even happening, so hence the appearance of not needing services.

The bf (18) wanted to move in when his Dad kicked him out of his house for breaking the law. His Mom took him in, but not before I contacted the school to get him assistance and housing. I don’t want to encourage the relationship, but I will still love him as a person that God created.

I realize the “bandaid” isn’t solVing the problem (we’ve needed to use them before), but I feel like this is a spiritual battle and the band aids will have to suffice until we get off the battlefield. If that makes any sense.
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Yes it’s certainly spiritual as well and I will pray for your dd and your family…you sound like a truly wonderful, loving mom…the good news is bf will be going away soon, and that will make a huge difference…
 
MaryT777 said:
I have read through all the responses and think this is an excellent thought, telling her boyfriend can stay at your home. (bolding mine) It seems to be a perfect compromise and you can set the rules.

As far as forcing a young woman to go to therapy I have mixed feelings. I am not sure I would require that personally given her age. A lot of therapy is what you put into it and I have a personal bias against it as I was forced into counseling at a young teen age due to severe depression with what I thought in my teen years was a very nosy, flirtatious male psychiatrist and I hated every single minute of it. He later lost his license due to over prescribing medication above the accepted (DSM) norms and inappropriate relations with women. So, I am personally biased.

I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to have 3 different therapists

I want to let the OP know I think you are a wonderful, caring parent, and I pray that your daughter will heal and God will intervene to find the right avenue for this.

God Bless,

Mary.
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Thank you Mary, me too!
 
Xantippe said:
She’s not going to get worse advice from a therapist than from being joined at the hip with a manipulative boyfriend from a broken home.

The odds are that if a therapist knows about her history of abuse that the therapist will encourage her to think more about her life goals and developing a sense of identity separate from her boyfriend and rediscovering a sense of self-respect.

OP, I’d say that one of the best things for your daughter is going to be having a genuine sense of accomplishment and knowing that she matters to other people. Is there any kind of volunteering or paid work that she might benefit from?

It’s going to be kind of painful, but I think you should have that chat with boyfriend’s. Don’t show all your cards (like that you think that her son is a manipulative loser), but you could find out a lot just by having a coffee and an hour of chit chat with that mom.
Click to expand...
Just had a chat with that mom. Daughter missed her 11pm curfew by an hour. She is home now, but the explosion is happening.
 
Xantippe said:
facepalm

Can you find anybody with a specialty in child abuse survivors?

I feel like a better therapist will be able to see through this.

My teenage daughter sees a psychologist (she’s high-functioning autistic) and one thing I do from time to time is take one of my daughter’s appointments to tell the psychologist about everything that’s going on.

In our case, it’s very important that the psychologist sees a lot of high-functioning autistic kids, so she’s very intuitive about my daughter’s needs.
Click to expand...
Her 1st therapist after the trama was an abuse therapist. The following 3 were not exclusive abuse therapists but to my knowledge were experienced with abuse victims.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
I agree with this. Offer a compromise. It sounds to me like the trip to the cabin is not a good situation for your daughter.

My mother allowed me to go visit a boyfriend at his parents’ home out of state, with his parents and sister also there, when I was 18. However, at that point I was a college student as was he, I had been living away from home at college for the past year, I was not having issues with past trauma or therapy, the boyfriend’s family was stable and he had not been in any trouble with the law. He had also visited previously at my own house with my parents there. On both visits we had separate rooms and did not do anything untoward (I won’t say the temptation wasn’t there, but we were good and didn’t act on it).
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Thank you for your response Tis Bearself
 
mommy_k said:
Yes it’s certainly spiritual as well and I will pray for your dd and your family…you sound like a truly wonderful, loving mom…the good news is bf will be going away soon, and that will make a huge difference…
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Thank you mommyk
 
It sounds like you know what to do. Your reservations indicates some reason to be concerned. I know I did an over night trip at a young age like that, but we both knew to behave ourselves. It was still a great time.

Yes, if you could be the one to set the rules and supervise the trip, it would be possible, but it sounds like you might be facing too much rebellion for that to work. I will say that so far both of my grown children eventually grew out of their rebellion, and both had serious issues with it at least for a time.
 
I will say that so far both of my grown children eventually grew out of their rebellion, and both had serious issues with it at least for a time.

Thank you pnewton, I know this stage is tough, and will eventually pass. It is always reassuring to hear that we are not alone and others have made it through too!
 
FWIW, my mom would have laughed in my face about an overnight with my boyfriend when I was 17. If I pointed out that I would be 18 soon, she would have kept laughing and told me that’s great, I can go then.

She had no illusions that I was committed to chastity, though I’m sure she would have preferred I was. For her, it would have just been a matter of propriety. She would have viewed allowing that as shrugging off teen sex, and she would have thought that’s how friends and family would see it too (and they would have). She wasn’t going to look at herself as a bad parent or let others see her that way, regardless of what choices I was currently or would soon be making for myself.

Any sort of mental health issues or trauma would have been considered separate issues.

I’ll point out though that going through 4 counselors, even if it’s all just been bad luck with access and not the result of bad experiences, has probably made her feel like counseling is pointless and won’t work for her. If you can get her to go back, try to make sure it’s with someone she’ll be able to work with long term.
 
Thank you BlueEyedLady, and everyone who has read this thread and said a prayer for us.

My daughter and I sat down and talked for about 45 minutes today. Albeit there was alot of anger on her part, and she shared some things I knew, but really didn’t want to hear, it was the first time we had a somewhat civil conversation in about 2 years.

I’m going to speak with one of our priest’s in order to help me wrap my head around all of this information, and get some guidance.

God is good and I know he will see us through this, one day at a time and one minute if the day is too much. Please continue to pray for us.❤️
 
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