Daughter's ex-spouse problems

[duskyjewel]

I agree some spouses are victims. Like my dad was…

However, my dad was a victim of his own poor choice of whom to marry as much as of my mother’s actions. It is very rare that a spouse’s bad behavior comes as a complete surprise. Most times, the behavior was there, the “victim spouse” knew about it when they married, and they chose to marry anyway. That means, that when the divorce finally happens, the children are victims of their parents, who both screwed up. One in choosing whom to marry, and the other, who did the bad behavior.

I would wager that about 1% of divorces involve a true innocent victim, where the “bad” spouse’s behavior either radically and suddenly changed (like due to recently-started drug use or mental illness) or the “bad” spouse hid everything so well that the innocent spouse truly did not know and had no way to know. The rest are people who thought they could change the bad behavior, or who thought they could handle the degree at the time, but then it increased and they didn’t like that, or who thought the behavior was acceptable at the time and then changed their minds later. (i.e. alcoholics or drug-users who marry one another, and then one gets healthy, or women, who when young like the forcefulness and take-charge attitude of their man, but then grow up and consider it controlling.)

I other words, I stand by my original wording. When people are choosing someone to spend their lives with, they should be extremely careful.

P.S. The reason for the divorce does not affect the fact that the children have had their family torn apart. That is traumatic and damaging, and the parents should be willing to sacrifice their own desire to date in order to provide their children with stability, love, and as much attention as possible. So I hold even “innocent” spouses to this. The kids don’t care why their family was torn apart, the only thing that matters is that they need their parents to focus on THEM until they are adults and can handle themselves.

 

[jrabs]

It is very rare that a spouse’s bad behavior comes as a complete surprise. Most times, the behavior was there, the “victim spouse” knew about it when they married, and they chose to marry anyway.

Nonsense.
This forum is filled with victim spouses left with a spinning head from utter surprise - from adultery to mental illness - to an onset of addition or abuse.

For another thread however and not part of this OP’s topic.

 

[Ray_Scheel]

Plus the fact that he told the kids first is HORRIBLY irresponsible…and when he dosn’t sound perfectly reliable seems to set up for an avenue of disasters that mom should be aware of before she sends her daugher off.

I am a custodial parent, and the attitude you and your daughter are portraying is APPALLING! There is nothing irresponsible about a father telling his 5 year old daughter about a planned trip he has the legal right to take her on. The reason the courts have set up legally guaranteed visitation times is because of people like you and your daughter playing games with visitation trying to lash out at the other parent.

Related to this, a great part of the reason I wound up with primary custody because of how brazenly my ex-wife played games with letting me see the kids in the months after she left. These games are bad for the kids, restricting access tot he other parent is bad for the kids, adults openly acting like spoiled brats is bad for the kids. Are you getting the point that you and your daughter need to start seriously reevaluating what is best for the kids?

 

[Meggie]

I don’t have kids I AM a kid and I’ve been in lots of different family situations…(long story). I know kids will always love their biological parents no matter what their parents do. However the mom has the RIGHT as a custodial parents to protect her daughter emotinally from a man who said that he wasn’t sure he wanted her around, but now does. I’ve been on the side where I was a perminant kid and had a live in sibiling who left every two weeks, the other weekends we had his other sibilngs, and they left their other permanant sibilings who didn’t have to trade off. My sibiling did worse becuase besides the “honeymoon” period and trips to splash mountian and gifts he was neglected emotinally, toted to plays and soccor games, and never got to even talk to his mom. His sibilings on the other hand, never got the “honeymoon” but always got time with their dad, and while as kids it was boring to go on nature walks, eat hotdogs or spagetti every weekend or do free activites, they were not tossed into the mix and everone respected them for that. Life certinally didn’t stop for them, but they learned who their dad was. There was some bitterness and fighting at first, but the kids who remained betteroff were the ones who were valued as people not prizes to themeparks and newly formed familes. We’re all young yet, and I know other situations, but when parents accomidated the bi-weekely kids insted of throwing them into the mix…those are the kids who seem to be doing alot better in life and not making mistakes with whatever gender disappointed them.

Let the kid go to Disneyworld, but the dad shouldn’t of told the kid before the mom, to me thats whats wrong here!! The guy meets, marries and plans a vacation with a woman he’s know SIX MONTHS tells the kid first and mom is suppose to rollover and not question any of this???

I didn’t say restrict or play games with the kids at all! People are twisting my words acting as if I have a vindetta. Far from it, but I do think whomever is the kids custodial parent has a DUTY to emotinally protect their kid.
Why is everyone ignoring I said let the kid get in some daddy time, unrestricted, just her and her daddy.

And since when is taking three kids on a honeymoon appropriate? And with two other girls how fair is it to his daughter that only 1/4 of his time (probably less) can be spent on her? How is this fair to the kid?

I don’t see a mom trying to lash out…she’s alarmed at what he ex is going to do with her kid.

And since when is it right to tell a kid before a parent in ANY situation. Seems to me its the guy being manipulative.

 

[Ray_Scheel]

Meggie:

Apologies, somehow I got you and the opening poster confused when I wrote my reply. Still, barring a clear pattern of previously putting the childern in harms way by the NCP, the CP does not have a right to insist the NCP inform them in advance about what the NCP’s plans are during guaranteed visitation times.

 

[duskyjewel]

Meggie:

Apologies, somehow I got you and the opening poster confused when I wrote my reply. Still, barring a clear pattern of previously putting the childern in harms way by the NCP, the CP does not have a right to insist the NCP inform them in advance about what the NCP’s plans are during guaranteed visitation times.

Well, unfortunately, it seems there is a provision in the custody agreement, according to the OP, who is the grandma, that the NCP must notify the CP in writing by March 30th of any requested summer vacations. So it seems the CP does have the power to refuse here, because I guess he didn’t do that. I have never heard of such a thing in a custody agreement…these must be two people who really cannot get their cr*p together and talk to one another like mature adults.

Meggie,
Your points about the CP having a duty and responsibility to protect the child are well taken and right on. I’m just not sure I think that’s what’s happening. If the mother of this child is half as petty as the OP made her sound, then I think this is just a power trip.

 

[Meggie]

the op didn’t say NO visits, she is just refering to the summer trip

 

[Ray_Scheel]

I have never heard of such a thing in a custody agreement…these must be two people who really cannot get their cr*p together and talk to one another like mature adults.

The requirement to give notice for the dates of the extended visit by a particular deadline is common enough; there is one as part of the standard possession order (SPO) for Texas, though July is the presumed default month if there is no alternate arrangement declared by the NCP (or if the CP refuses proposals for alternate extended visit time frames). There is an overall emphasis that the good of the children should be placed first, missing a deadline for written notification by a few days when the CP was aware of tentative plans long before that is certainly outside of the spirit of putting the kids first.

Also, though the NCP should have told the CP when the extended visit was going to be, the NCP still had no obligation to get approval for what that extended visit was going to consist of.

 

[johntkd]

My daughter’s 1st “marriage” was annulled. She has remarried in the Church and is pregnant, due in September. She and her DH are thrilled about the new baby as is her 5 year old daughter from her annulled union. The child lives with her Mom and Dada as she calls her step-father. She and her mom chose to call him this so as not to hurt her bio dad.
The little girl’s father lives about 90 miles away and she visits him every other weekend more or less. He has decided to remarry a woman he has been seeing for less than 6 months. They announced it to the little girl this weekend. The woman told her she could call her mommy or mom now.
The child is confused now. She had previously called the woman by her name. She doesn’t want to hurt her bio mom or dad’s soon to be wife.
Bio dad is also not being helpful. He has begun planning the wedding trip with the intention of taking his daughter as well as his future wife’s daughters with them to Disneyland this summer. However he has completely neglected to notify my daughter. In their divorce decree he stipulated he would request in writing any summer vacations prior to March 30 each year. He hasn’t done it. His reason at the time was that he thought he would not want his daughter around as much as he has discovered he does now. At any rate he has now chatted up the trip to the child. Without clearing the summer trip with mom.
The man pays his child support ( Thank God). He loves the child.
But my daughter feels he should not get the time with the child since he has not notified her in any fashion. The only reason we know about the situation is because the child recently mentioned it. I spoke to bio dad at a recent drop off of the little girl. He said yes that was what he was planning. Previously it was “all up in the air. Nothing firm.” But now it appears it’s “firm”.
My daughter asked me and I have told her that I feel the child should still be allowed to go if he notifies her. She feels I am wrong. She says he has made his bed …
What a mess. I hate divorce. I hate what it is doing to the child and her mom and “dada”.
Any wisdom?

having been in a similar situation, your daughter seems to still be hurting over the original divorce, she really needs to get over it, this man is obviously taking some responsibility, and your daughter and grandaugher are very lucky in that regards
I know so many people where bio dad has nothing to do with his kids.
now make sure your daughter relizes if she wants to be stubborn he is more than welcome to go to court at any time and could make things pretty miserable for everyone. new step mom is also wrong in expecting the child to call her mom that is something earned not to be expected…

anyways try talking to both parties obviously you are able to,be the mediator before grandaughter gets stuck in middle of it she should not be used as a pawn between the 2 adults whom feel they need to act like children themselves trying to one up each other

 

[Ray_Scheel]

Why is everyone ignoring I said let the kid get in some daddy time, unrestricted, just her and her daddy.

In any family with more than one child there isn’t much chance for a parent to spend extended one-on-one with just one child, its generally just a few minutes to a n hour or so at a shot scattered here and there, with much more of a chance of even getting that in while on vacation. It is not that we are ignoring this (because I agree that time is important), but rather that its an NCP’s right to decided when and how to best get that time in during scheduled visitation times.

And since when is taking three kids on a honeymoon appropriate? And with two other girls how fair is it to his daughter that only 1/4 of his time (probably less) can be spent on her? How is this fair to the kid?

I didn’t read that this was to be a honeymoon trip but rather something that was going to take place after the honeymoon proper. Some time with her dad on that trip, while someplace that is pretty fun in and of itself, is still better than no time with her dad during that same period.

I don’t see a mom trying to lash out…she’s alarmed at what he ex is going to do with her kid.

Barring the mom’s objection to the dad finally remarrying (which is a separate issue), what is alarming about taking a child to Disneyland on a family trip once the marriage is a done deal?

And since when is it right to tell a kid before a parent in ANY situation. Seems to me its the guy being manipulative.

By my read of the OP, at one point she says the child’s father “completely neglected” to inform her daughter but the later says “Previously it was “all up in the air. Nothing firm.”” To me that looks like there was some communication about the trip and that the issue was more about objecting to the child’s father including his daughter in a vacation with his new family unit.

 

[SMHW]

It’s tough on a child when the parents are not together and the child has bounce back and forth between them. If those parents then turn around and marry other people then the child’s life will get more complicated. If those other people have children of their own, then the complications are even greater.

The fact that the second legal marriage of one or both parents is sacramentally valid doesn’t really reduce the chaos. It just provides for some graces to help everyone cope with the added chaos.

As Dr. Laura would say, this little girl lives with Mommy and visits Daddy who will be raising someone else’s children.

I really do see where the girls’s mother is coming from. If she allows the father to take liberties with the custody agreement then she is opening the door to further problems. But on the other hand, if the father really does love this little girl then he should be encouraged to have as much time as possible with her. And all parents need to be flexible.

If it were something less exciting than a Disney trip I might not be so generous… But I think that to deny this little girl time with her father because of a few days notice (that is still months in advance) would not really impact the father anyways. He’s going with her or without her. It’s just the little girl who will suffer. And probably the relationship with the father.

As far as what to call the stepmom, it would be nice if the little girl could find some special name that she uses for this woman that is different from what friends and her husband call her but is different from what her stepsisters use.

 

[LittleDeb]

The little girl's father lives about 90 miles away and she visits him every other weekend more or less. He has decided to remarry a woman he has been seeing for less than 6 months. They announced it to the little girl this weekend. The woman told her she could call her mommy or mom now. The child is confused now. She had previously called the woman by her name. She doesn't want to hurt her bio mom or dad's soon to be wife. Bio dad is also not being helpful. He has begun planning the wedding trip with the intention of taking his daughter as well as his future wife's daughters with them to Disneyland this summer. However he has completely neglected to notify my daughter. In their divorce decree he stipulated he would request in writing any summer vacations prior to March 30 each year. He hasn't done it. His reason at the time was that he thought he would not want his daughter around as much as he has discovered he does now. At any rate he has now chatted up the trip to the child. Without clearing the summer trip with mom. The man pays his child support ( Thank God). He loves the child. But my daughter feels he should not get the time with the child since he has not notified her in any fashion. The only reason we know about the situation is because the child recently mentioned it. I spoke to bio dad at a recent drop off of the little girl. He said yes that was what he was planning. Previously it was "all up in the air. Nothing firm." But now it appears it's "firm". My daughter asked me and I have told her that I feel the child should still be allowed to go if he notifies her. She feels I am wrong. She says he has made his bed ... What a mess. I hate divorce. I hate what it is doing to the child and her mom and "dada". Any wisdom?

I have sympathy for all of you. I really do. I am in the situation you describe. I am the step-mom, but I am called by my first name. (Appropriate in my case since the child was 7 when I came into the picture.) I have spent the past 6 years trying to be the objective one in our whole mess. I encourage everyone involved to see the best in everyone else and do only what is in the best interest of the child. Most times I can stay objective, but when I am not, I back out until I can.

I think the most important part for your daughter to understand is this. Some dads have trouble finding a good balance with a child who doesn’t live with them. The presumption from your daughter should be that he WILL take the child during planned times. Communication is THE key. She can put aside her hurt feelings and be the hero. Years from now her child will thank her for doing things that fostered the relationship with her father.

The grandmothers in our situation sometimes forget that they actually have no “rights” in this. Both have over-stepped their boundaries at times. (I don’t hold my own MIL blameless even though I respect her a lot.) I hope you have been able to just offer an opinion and not over-step.

The short answer is that all the adults need to put their own feelings aside. If communication with the ex-spouse is the problem then the grown-up thing to do is to work harder at it. If the mother, in your case, believes there is a communication problem then SHE needs to fix it. SHE needs to be humble enough to solve it. If HE is the problem SHE must be the solution. The child is all that matters here. “Right-fighting” gets her nowhere and harms the child. Yes she is right he should have notified the mother and not just the child. And being right is doing what for her?

The mom in this case needed to talk to the dad before the deadline hit. She doesn’t *own *the child even if she is the CP. That date has now passed. She can fix it now by being humble. She can’t fix it by being “right.”

I agree. I hate divorce. It happens because one or both parties are selfish. How people handle co-parenting can be very revealing as to how “blameless” they were in the problems leading to the divorce.

 

[dulcissima]

Yes, the dad should have talked to the mom before talking to the daughter about the Disney trip. Going through a divorce and learning how to deal with new custody arrangements, there has to be a learning curve though. It would be unreasonable to expect both parents to instantly “get it.” For some reason it seems like in these kind of situations, ex-spouses are always held up to this very unreasonable model of what they “should be” as parents, and every little thing that they do wrong is highlighted and emphasized, critiqued, and documented for future ammunition. I know of few situations where the expectation is so high for you to do everything just right. It’s like living under a microscope. What can make things really bad though, is where the kids become aware of this, and start analyzing their parents in this manner, reporting back all the shortcomings of one parent as a way to bond with and receive approval from the other parent.

To the OP, what your daughter needs to realize is that she can’t expect her ex to be perfect. Surely he wasn’t when they were married, so there shouldn’t be an expectation that he become perfect now. If it were me (and I am someone who is presently living in this situation), I would let him know that I would appreciate him not discussing the plans with my child until he has first discussed it with me. I would let him know that I would return that same courtesy to him. I would be willling to do him the solid of having a few days leeway on the March 30th nootification deadline, and I would hope that he would do the same for me, should the need ever arise.

Really the guiding principle has always got to be, what is best for the long term well-being of the child. What is always best for the child is that both parents work on behaving like adults who can communicate, who can deal with disappointment and not always getting their way, and who can put a priority on the needs of their child. I know that is not something that is likely to happen over night, but hopefully it is something that they can both work toward.

 

[nana3]

My daughter’s 1st “marriage” was annulled. She has remarried in the Church and is pregnant, due in September. She and her DH are thrilled about the new baby as is her 5 year old daughter from her annulled union. The child lives with her Mom and Dada as she calls her step-father. She and her mom chose to call him this so as not to hurt her bio dad.
The little girl’s father lives about 90 miles away and she visits him every other weekend more or less. He has decided to remarry a woman he has been seeing for less than 6 months. They announced it to the little girl this weekend. The woman told her she could call her mommy or mom now.
The child is confused now. She had previously called the woman by her name. She doesn’t want to hurt her bio mom or dad’s soon to be wife.
Bio dad is also not being helpful. He has begun planning the wedding trip with the intention of taking his daughter as well as his future wife’s daughters with them to Disneyland this summer. However he has completely neglected to notify my daughter. In their divorce decree he stipulated he would request in writing any summer vacations prior to March 30 each year. He hasn’t done it. His reason at the time was that he thought he would not want his daughter around as much as he has discovered he does now. At any rate he has now chatted up the trip to the child. Without clearing the summer trip with mom.
The man pays his child support ( Thank God). He loves the child.
But my daughter feels he should not get the time with the child since he has not notified her in any fashion. The only reason we know about the situation is because the child recently mentioned it. I spoke to bio dad at a recent drop off of the little girl. He said yes that was what he was planning. Previously it was “all up in the air. Nothing firm.” But now it appears it’s “firm”.
My daughter asked me and I have told her that I feel the child should still be allowed to go if he notifies her. She feels I am wrong. She says he has made his bed …
What a mess. I hate divorce. I hate what it is doing to the child and her mom and “dada”.
Any wisdom?

I am with you and hate divorce and what it does to children. I agree with what someone else said that a parent should wait before getting involved with another spouse for the kid’s sake. My sister has gone through a divorce and is having many custody issues and ex-husband problems as well as the step mom. I can only tell you what my then 8 yr old niece, now 10 yr old, said to be when she had to go every other weekend with her dad who lived with his mistress. She would cry and say, “I am living a nightmare.” My nephew would say at the age now of 7, “I hate my life. Life sucks.” My sister and her husband have an antagonistic relationship. She has tried to get along with her ex but their is child abuse in this situation, but the feelings of divorce children are probably the same for all kids. They feel shortchanged. They feel that they have to try to keep peace between mom and dad. Is is so true that a child coming into an already made family is very difficult and they don’t all adjust well all the time. I think your granddaughter is blessed to be a little younger, but believe me, she knows and sees the relationship problems between her mom and dad. My nephew did and he was only 5 also at the time of their divorce. I would try to talk to your daughter to see what else is going on. There may be other issues that prevent her from giving him to much time with his daughter. Is it jeolousy? Is is a safety issue? Is there other issues? I would ask her for her reasons. If it is just because he missed asking by two days, I don’t think that is a good enough reason and I have seen my sister and her ex go to court for things like this. It is not good for the child either, but she should never, NEVER be told of adult issues of the divorce and visitation.
I think that the step mom wants to be called mom is terrible and not fair to your granddaughter. My ex BIL tells my niece that his new wife is her mother. She was so upset by this and cried at her house. She only has one mother. I am reading about custody issues and even the experts say that the step mom should just respect her place in the family and allow the kid to call her what they feel comfortable with. This is in the best interest of the child emotionally. I have seen what my niece and nephew are going through with a controlling dad who what them to accept his new wife and her three kids as their mother and sisters. They are now very confused and angry children, but the child abuse has a huge roll in that also.

 

[gmarie21]

Am I the only one who sees a problem with the OP’s daughter allowing the granddaughter to call the stepfather “dada”? Why is it okay for the step-father to be called “dada” (a term, I am assuming he was called since the child was young since the OP’s daughter is already remarried and the granddaughter is 5, before 2 my daughter was able to call people by their first names why couldn’t the daughter tell the granddaughter to call the step-father by his first name ). Now, the mother who allowed her daughter to call the step-father “dada” is mad because the father wants the daughter to call the step-mother “mom”? Both parents are wrong in allowing this little 5 yearold girl call the non-parents any names that resemble what a child would call a parent (yes, “dada” applies as resembling what a child would call a father).

Then again, maybe it’s just me who sees this behavior and name designation as irresponsible by both parties.

 

[dulcissima]

Am I the only one who sees a problem with the OP’s daughter allowing the granddaughter to call the stepfather “dada”? Why is it okay for the step-father to be called “dada” (a term, I am assuming he was called since the child was young since the OP’s daughter is already remarried and the granddaughter is 5, before 2 my daughter was able to call people by their first names why couldn’t the daughter tell the granddaughter to call the step-father by his first name ). Now, the mother who allowed her daughter to call the step-father “dada” is mad because the father wants the daughter to call the step-mother “mom”? Both parents are wrong in allowing this little 5 yearold girl call the non-parents any names that resemble what a child would call a parent (yes, “dada” applies as resembling what a child would call a father).

Then again, maybe it’s just me who sees this behavior and name designation as irresponsible by both parties.

I think if her daughter started calling him “Dada” and everyone was comfortable with it, then it is probably fine. Although it seems like a huge double standard to then be upset when the new stepmother is called “Mom.”

My stepfather has been a dad for me for 27 years now, but to me it would just be weird to actually call him dad. That doesn’t mean I don’t love him like a dad or respect him like a dad, just that is a name I called my dad before he died. It would feel weird to call anyone else that. I never called my in-laws “Mom” or “Dad” for the same reason. That’s just not my comfort level.

Obviously the daughter is fine with it, so the mom shouldn’t make her feel uncomfortable. I think love is something that we are not supposed to be jealous about. If this little girl can have more people in her life that she loves and who love her back, then she is truly blessed.

If my ex ever remarries and my kids want to call their new step-mom “mom” I will not be jealous or angry.

 

[gmarie21]

I think if her daughter started calling him “Dada” and everyone was comfortable with it, then it is probably fine. Although it seems like a huge double standard to then be upset when the new stepmother is called “Mom.”

My stepfather has been a dad for me for 27 years now, but to me it would just be weird to actually call him dad. That doesn’t mean I don’t love him like a dad or respect him like a dad, just that is a name I called my dad before he died. It would feel weird to call anyone else that. I never called my in-laws “Mom” or “Dad” for the same reason. That’s just not my comfort level.

Obviously the daughter is fine with it, so the mom shouldn’t make her feel uncomfortable. I think love is something that we are not supposed to be jealous about. If this little girl can have more people in her life that she loves and who love her back, then she is truly blessed.

If my ex ever remarries and my kids want to call their new step-mom “mom” I will not be jealous or angry.

You’re like my mom, strong and secure in your relationship with your children. I am tending to think that the OP’s daughter isn’t secure about her relationship with her daughter. Your children are truly blessed to have a mother as secure as you (as was I, not to brag )

 

[momof8]

OP, I hope your daughter allows the trip for your granddaughter. I am fairly recently divorced and I have made mistakes in this area. Her dd is already looking forward to the trip and it would break her heart not to go. I understand, if your daughter is like me, the feelings and issues involved are huge - to hear from your 5 year old that she is being taken to another state, to realize that your little one is in a situation where another person can make such plans and not even consult you, is very difficult. If I can say, it is not exactly a “control” issue, it is a getting used to the craziness issue. Divorce is so horrible. I cannot imagine how hard it can be for my children at times, although overall they have adjusted pretty well.

There are so many issues to deal with here - getting used to the new woman in your child’s life, getting used to the change in a person who previously was not terribly interested in the little girl, I think it is a time in the life of a divorced person when the reality hits harder than ever. Please, especially children of divorce, I am not condoning petty behavior, I am just saying that if the mother can recognize and deal with the issues that are making her feel insecure, she can get beyond the insecurity. As I said, I have made mistakes in this regard and I do believe those mistakes hurt my precious children, especially the oldest son. Remind your daughter to deal with the REAL issues, and make the decision that will be best for her little girl.

I also agree with the poster who said that your dd has to work on communication with her ex-spouse. He should have spoken with her, if not first, at least very early on in the process. But as soon as she heard of it, she could have contacted him in writing or otherwise and asked him to send her the details. It’s annoying to have to do that, she shouldn’t have to ask for such things, but it is better than having the plans continue without her knowing what is going on. Maybe after a while her ex-husband will get better about informing her. Maybe not.

As for calling the step-mom “mom”, it does seem that since the step-dad is called “dada”, which will probably be shortened to “dad” when the girl gets older, there is not much ground for being offended that the stepmom might be called “mom”. My divorce agreement specifically states that no one other than the father will be called “dad” or any other name indicating fatherhood, and no one but the mother will be called “mom” or any other name indicating motherhood. I can’t imagine it any other way. It was hard enough having another woman come into my children’s life, so no, I was nowhere near secure enough to think that anyone else could be called mom by my kids. She’s not their mother. As it turns out, she is by no means terribly motherly to my children and it would really be laughable to call her mom. But the kids survive being in her “care”, such as it is, have fun with the neighborhood kids and with her kids, value their time with their dad (as well as the vacations and other perks that I could by no means afford to give them), and overall are ok. I am also one who would have no interest in taking time away from my kids to be dating, and no interest in having them adjust to such a situation, so there is no issue over what to call a stepdad.

Have your dd ask herself, how would she want to be treated if the tables were turned? If she wanted the vacation and missed the deadline by a couple of days? And especially if she were the little girl. None of the chaos is the little girl’s fault, and yet she bears the brunt of it all. Don’t take Disneyland away from her to top it off.

 

[slyboots]

Interesting responses. Several are pretty judgemental of people they have extremely limited info on.
However, as I said originally my daughter asked me and I had said “let the child go of he notifies you”. Perhaps I did not make this clear…her father put the clause in the custody decree about notification about summer vacation because he was not sure he wanted to be with her. He is most legalistic. So my daughter has responded to him in the same way. Believe me when I say that he holds my daughter to a much more strict line. She is required by him to send him notice about just about anything. Not just school, or address changes which we feel is perfectly normal. But things like whether or not the child can take swimming lessons or go to RE for instance. When my daughter changed jobs and began working at home so she could be at home for the child he required an estimate of her new income fed-exed immediately to him by her employer. My daughter did so. Never mind that she has not asked for official info on his new job which pays nearly 20,000 yearly more than the job he had when they were divorced and the child support was ordered. And she doesn’t make him consider his bonuses which he gets usually quarterly. I know about his increase in income because he mentioned it once to her in front of me.

The poster who feels I should stay out of the business has an interesting view. But misunderstands I think. I offer opinions only when asked. I choose to watch my grandchildren whenever I am needed. I am the drop off person for my DGD when she travels to her daddy’s house at both of their requests. I have never been anything but pleasant with him. He is civil. That’s the best I can hope for.

Yes, my daughter still bristles from the pain of their divorce. Yes, she still has baggage. She works on it constantly. She doesn’t want it to interfere with her new marriage.

The child calls stepfather “dada” or by his name. Some of you are bothered by this. Sorry. She was the one who came up with it. He and her mom would happily let her call him by name. Maybe she will decide to do so later. But her “daddy” will always be “daddy”.

Meggie, Dulcimissa, and Little Deb have some real insight into this situation. Thanks to all though. I still hope she gets to go. Even though it appears to be the wedding, honeymoon and family vacation all rolled into one.

Oh yeah. Still hasn’t given my DD any kind of info on the trip dates, length, or anything else.
And for Ray Sheel: Daddy requested every other weekend in the decree, which he gets…except when he organizes the schedule so that he won’t have her every other weekend. Yes, we go by his schedule. He stipulated that if he wanted her for summer vacation he would notify my daughter in writing by March 30 each year. It was a clause he put in to protect himself from having to have the addtition of two weeks with the child each summer which was originally what was discussed by them.
He also held it against my DD when the child had pneumonia and could not travel on one weekend this winter. And he gave her a hard time about a weekend missed because there was an icestorm and the roads were far too treacherous to drive even in my 4 wheel drive Jeep. Heck, the turnpike I use to drive DGD to his home was closed!!! At the time he had agreed to exchange weekends with her. But later simply stated he was too busy.
Sometimes he’s just very difficult.
But he loves the child. And I know it. And as long as she and her daddy have this relationship I will encourage it. As does my daughter…most of the time.

 

[dulcissima]

Thanks for the details. I understand how she feels because her ex sounds a lot like mine, with all of the demands. I’m learning how to say no and keep my distance. It’s hard, because that is not in my nature. It’s interesting to hear the perspective you have provided, because so many times I wish my ex would just get a girlfriend so he would stop thinking about me all of the time. Maybe though if he ever marries, he will get intense again. Not something I would look forward to. I hope your daughter’s new husband is very supportive of her.