Daughter's ex-spouse problems

[SemperJase]

I come down on the side of letting the daughter go.

I do have a reservation though. There is a father who has admitted he did not want his daughter around. He tells his daughter that he will take her to Disneyland but didn’t tell the mother because the plans weren’t “firm”. Now that is wrong. Why would he get his daughter’s hopes up before he even knows if the trip is going to happen.

To make matters worse, he has told the grandmother that the plans are now firm, but has yet to tell the child’s mother. That doesn’t sound very firm to me. But the child is all set to go.

Mom certainly isn’t perfect. To even consider denying her daughter the trip because of a technicality is nothing more than a power play. Mom needs to show maturity here. She needs to talk to the father in a civil manner and ask him what his plans are. Tell him she will allow the trip but needs to know that he is serious and not merely playing with his daughter’s hopes.

Sadly, there are many divorced fathers who like the quick high of seeing the joy of their children’s hopes when they are promised something, but not following through on those promises. This father’s actions give alarming signals that he may fall in this category. This is where mom must be the mature adult and confirm his intentions. If they are genuine, she needs to give her blessing.

Also, she should ask him to communicate with her first in the the future before making plans with the daughter, especially if things are “in the air.”

 

[Ray_Scheel]

slyboots:Those are some significant details; I can see how there needs to be some consideration given to trying to stop the legalistic games, but at the same time the mature spouse is usually stuck long-term dealing with the games until the kids are old enough to figure it out on their own.

 

[slyboots]

News update.

The woman daddy is considering marrying is pregnant already. This will be her third child. She never married the father of the first two children. But the bio-dad pays child support for them.
We see now why my daughter’s ex is hurrying this second marriage. And why Disneyworld may not be a “firm” destination now.

My daughter and he hurried into their marriage because they were foolish and very young. But they did not have my DGD until their 5th year of marriage. He is a non-practicing Lutheran. That “marriage” was annulled because of several defects.

On the other hand, our present DSIL knew my DD in hi school. They both played the same sport. They met again as adults at a singles group at church after my daughter’s divorce. They dated exclusively for 18 months before marrying. Our DSIL spent a lot of Saturday morning breakfasts with my DH before he asked to marry her. He announced his intention to marry after his 1st degree initiation into Kof C. He is very different than was her first “husband”. My DD’s pregnancy was planned by NFP and everyone is happy for them.
I can only pray that the other situation with DGD’s daddy and his soon to be wife goes well. But I have little confidence in it.

 

[dulcissima]

That does sound like a night and day difference between the two marriages. I am very glad for your daughter that she thought through what was truly important the second time around. It reminds me of the story that one of my friends told me about, after divorce from an abusive marriage, an annulment, six and a half years of loneliness, she went to Bible study, and met a man she had known since she was a child. They married a year and a half later and are very happy. Her daughters from her first marriage now think of their step dad as their dad and have very little contact with their dad since he was pretty self-centered and had no interest in putting their needs ahead of or even on par with his own. Of course it was many years of heartache to attain some level of peace. Your family is in my prayers.

 

[slyboots]

Tonight the ex called my daughter and instead of a belated request for his usual two week vacation with thier daughter, he wants the WHOLE summer. This totally not in the custody decree.
Bad idea. Our DGD is being raised Catholic by her mom. Dad thought it was ok when she was baptized but his pregnant lady friend and he attend a non-denom church when they go.
Also our DD now works at home and planned this summer to get DGD out of day care for the first time in her life. Next week, she and her husband are moving to a new larger house with a large fenced back yard.
Dad would have to put her in full time daycare in a new city for the three months of summer. She would miss mass most all the summer. She would be living with him, his ladyfriend whom he may or may not marry and her two daughters.
DD and her husband have told dad no. They also told him that if he wants to discuss modifying the custody agreement he can talk to my DD’s attorney.
Hopefully the judge will uphold the original decree.

 

[dulcissima]

Tonight the ex called my daughter and instead of a belated request for his usual two week vacation with thier daughter, he wants the WHOLE summer. This totally not in the custody decree.
Bad idea. Our DGD is being raised Catholic by her mom. Dad thought it was ok when she was baptized but his pregnant lady friend and he attend a non-denom church when they go.
Also our DD now works at home and planned this summer to get DGD out of day care for the first time in her life. Next week, she and her husband are moving to a new larger house with a large fenced back yard.
Dad would have to put her in full time daycare in a new city for the three months of summer. She would miss mass most all the summer. She would be living with him, his ladyfriend whom he may or may not marry and her two daughters.
DD and her husband have told dad no. They also told him that if he wants to discuss modifying the custody agreement he can talk to my DD’s attorney.
Hopefully the judge will uphold the original decree.

It sounds like they are handling it right, telling him to talk to the lawyer. The whole summer does sound completely unreasonable. There is no reason that one parent should have all of the work of taking them to and from school, helping them with homework, and other activities, while the other parent would get them for all of the fun times. Sounds pretty unreasonable to me.

 

[nana3]

Tonight the ex called my daughter and instead of a belated request for his usual two week vacation with thier daughter, he wants the WHOLE summer. This totally not in the custody decree.
Bad idea. Our DGD is being raised Catholic by her mom. Dad thought it was ok when she was baptized but his pregnant lady friend and he attend a non-denom church when they go.
Also our DD now works at home and planned this summer to get DGD out of day care for the first time in her life. Next week, she and her husband are moving to a new larger house with a large fenced back yard.
Dad would have to put her in full time daycare in a new city for the three months of summer. She would miss mass most all the summer. She would be living with him, his ladyfriend whom he may or may not marry and her two daughters.
DD and her husband have told dad no. They also told him that if he wants to discuss modifying the custody agreement he can talk to my DD’s attorney.
Hopefully the judge will uphold the original decree.

I wondered when things were going to change since now the dad has a woman in his life. My sister went through this and still is and many unreasonable request, all started when the new woman came into the picture.

I agree with the above that bring in the lawyers is for the best. I do think that the judge stay with the original decree, or he may give him half the summer at it worse, but not the entire summer. My sister’s ex gets half the summer and he too doesn’t take the kids to Mass on Sunday. He is Catholic, but only by name. He believes in birth control and premarital sex and adultery. My fear is that my niece and nephew are getting real bad examples of how people are meant to live according to God’s design.

I feel for your daughter and understand what she is going through. I see the suffering my ex BIL is inflicting on my sister. She use to have feelings for him, but just recently has realized that she doesn’t like him at all. He has become worse than how she had him in marriage. She has just seen the light of who he truly his and now can’t stand even seeing him. She is nice to him, of course, for the kids sake.

I do think that before he gets your granddaughter in the summer at all, they may need to go to court for he may keep them. Unfortunately, as we found out, if he does keep them, there is much you can do for the police won’t get involved in a civil matter. They will have to wait until it goes to court and that could mean weeks, even months.

I will keep this whole matter in prayer. I think it is terrible how men change their minds once a woman enters the picture.