Dealing with a gay in law with children

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So I have a gay brother in law, he is “married” to his partner. It’s my wife’s brother, we have children. Her sister also had children. Unfortunately her sisters kids address the partner as “uncle” which upset me greatly because it was never discussed. My kids do not call him that and they have noticed. And it bothers them. The rule has always been in the family, no PDA in front of the kids. But the partner is basically far left activist on this issue which doesn’t help either. No one has ostracized or cut him off. They come to all the family gatherings. But my kids are young and we have just told them they are best buddies. No PDA. That was enough for me to keep peace. I am obviously not going to start a war wth my in law family. Well lately it’s not enough, and it has always been the elephant in the room. They threatened not to spend Christmas with any of us, a drunk text he sent out. But my wife is going to have to try and have a heart to hear. My fear is, they won’t want any rules anymore. She also was never convinced the uncle thing was the right call, but to me it was such an obvious thing, if you are trying to keep that element of their relationship hidden, using that term is going to be problematic in the long run. In fact her sister has already told them they are married. Something I believe was forced, “well they already call them uncle”, an obvious next step. But her youngest girl is 7, and saying they are married at such a young age without being able to explain the reasons why it’s wrong, you just end up normalizing it, something I believe they want all along. Was the uncle thing wrong? Any thoughts?
 
Have you tried showing no hostility towards your wife’s brother?

As in gave him a gift and or explain kindly that you’re Catholic and you believe in traditional marriage but you hold no hatred towards him and willing (if so) to be friends and already consider him family?
 
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When my kids were younger, we had close family friends they called “Aunt” and “Uncle” although they weren’t related.

I don’t know the age of your children, but culturally, the cats out of the bag re very young kids knowing about gay relationship . It’s in cartoons aimed to kids, it’s taught in the schools.

When I was about 8, a couple family members re-married after divorce. I knew about it. I was also in third grade and we had been taught that divorce and remarriage was forbidden in the church. I didn’t grow up to be a serial-marriage-maniac because of it.

:pray:t2::pray:t2::pray:t2: For your family situation
 
My children call older family friends ‘aunt’ and ‘uncle.’ The title doesn’t have to signify a marriage —it can just be a respectful form of address to an adult who’s too close to the family to be addressed as ‘Mister.’
 
If they choose not to spend Christmas with the family because they do not want to abide by your No PDA request, then that is their choice.
 
I don’t think it’s that hard to explain to kids. You might be surprised.
They’re going to eventually come across such situations in their life. Doesn’t mean you have to agree with it and it doesn’t mean your kids have to accept that lifestyle as their own.
Maybe also explain to them that their uncles aren’t catholic and some people do things differently than us. They aren’t married in God’s eyes but are married in the state’s legal eyes (okay that might be hard to explain)

Hoping the best for you and your family.

As far as pda goes, that rule should go for anyone. It does in our home. I don’t want to watch my mom make out with my dad either 😛
 
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Be the best person you can be to gays. Pope Francis said about gays, “if they go to the lord, who am I to stand between them?” Wisdom by far. There are also some LGBT ministries welcoming gays such as that of Hartford Connecticut’s Saint Patrick Saint Anthony Church. We must not condemn them but welcome them to God.

I have gays in my family baptized catholic and informed them of the LGBT ministry and told them I want them to enter heaven more than any alternative. Do not be confrontational with them because Satan thrives on negativity among neighbors especially families. If they do not have the same reaction as my gay uncle, who sincerely was happy that I cared about his spiritual well being in the afterlife, that means they have a grudge.

I love god, I love my family, and I love sinners the best I can because I am also a sinner. We are all sinners. Offer prayer for LGBT persons if you can. There are candles for prayer intentions in almost every Catholic Church.

As Saint Padre Pio famously told us, pray, hope,
And don’t worry.
 
With the whole pda thing… I’m not sure what the correct teaching on this would be…but …

In the world your kids might encounter SSA PDA just by walking down the street. Or on tv.

If you tell your brother in law no pda around my kids he might feel offended. Like you’re restraining him from being himself. Maybe hr might think you think it’s gross. Why not no pda rule for the male and female couples?
By PDA I mean kissing holding hands and cuddling.

You could end up pushing him away from Catholicism possibly 🤔.

If I said anything morally wrong Catholics please correct me.🌻
 
Guest1 said:
In the world your kids might encounter SSA PDA just by walking down the street. Or on tv.
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They might encounter any number of things this way, that doesn’t mean we should bring it into our home of our own volition or condone it.
 
I’m not saying to condone it. 🙂 I would have to ask a priest about if it’s morally right having a ssa couple/brother in law in the home kissing (not french kissing) in the home and possibly cuddling/holding hands. @1ke
 
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Thanks all…my oldest is 8, youngest is 9 months. The world will eventually clue them in, but my thought was why hit the accelerator. Let it happen over time. We control everything they watch on tv. They are not on phones or internet.

Yes my wife actually said the same comments about just calling him uncle, cultural etc. but their isn’t enough people to do that with to blend it. Meaning he would literally be the only person who is not family that my kids call that and I know it will lead to early questions. My kids have no concept of homosexuality. Won’t last forever obviously, but I’m just delaying it as long as possible.

My wife converted catholic before we married. This topic has always been tough for her, but she accepts the church teaching. Sister in law is not catholic.

Not sure about a sibling divorcing and remarrying outside of the church. All i would say is that still doesn’t voilate natural law. And not the same as putting homosexuality on display for young kids.

Appreciate all the feedback.
 
I knew people growing up who called close friends of the family ‘aunt’ and ‘uncle’ so I think it would be like that.

For my family we don’t call aunts and uncles ‘Aunt X’ or ‘Uncle X’ we just call them X. Bit informal but that’s what we have always done, 30+ people extended family
 
What do your children call friends of the family who are too close to be Mr. or Ms. but sufficiently older that you don’t have your children call them by their first names. In my family those people were always called Aunt or Uncle but perhaps you have other titles you use.
 
This reminds me of those threads where people aren’t sure what pronoun to use when speaking with a transexual.

I would suggest asking your brother-in-law and his partner what they wish the children to call them. That is what the children should call them, then.

You may think your older child doesn’t have a clue about homosexuality, but unless he never goes out in public or doesn’t have any friends I wouldn’t be so sure. I believe it is best to be honest about life and not hide the things that are so common, such as homosexuality, even if you think negatively of them. Better for the kids to hear it from you than for them to come to their own conclusions.

Your OP sounds like you are feeling you are at the mercy of your in-law and his partner. I suggest you and your wife coming to an agreement on this issue and moving forward. So, for example, if you aren’t comfortable with PDA you decide if there is PDA, then we will sit the next few gatherings out. No need to give an excuse or tell the offending parties why. This is a moral decision made by you and your wife for your family. It is OK for it to stay private. Of course, you can only control yourself and, to a certain extent, what happens in your nuclear family (wife and kids). That is where you should put your efforts, rather than worrying about what a family member is threatening to do, or not do.
 
Carmelite1983 said:
Maybe also explain to them that their uncles aren’t catholic and some people do things differently than us. They aren’t married in God’s eyes but are married in the state’s legal eyes (okay that might be hard to explain)
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In fact, that’s what I always recommend in a situation like this, whether it’s gays or someone else.; explain it in an age-appropriate manner.

“Your father’s relatives don’t go to Catholic Mass. They’re not Catholics, they were brought up differently. But that’s not what we should do.”

Same thing with the two uncles. “That’s what they believe; that’s not what we believe.”
 
This.

As a kid, I grew up calling many family friends “aunt” or “uncle” when there was no dna nor marriage relation involved. By best friends’ kids call me “Auntie”. It is a term of endearment, of honor and respect.

We are called to respect everyone, even people who sin differently than we do.
 
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