Dealing with a sensitive spouse

[Tellme_my_rites]

When do I know when to speak up and when to be silent? My spouse and I have a good relationship & make God & prayer a priority. However, she is not as dedicated as I. If I don’t suggest to say our prayers, it won’t happen. Every night her TV programs such as “Desparate housewives” have to be watched. I usually stay up as late as I can so we can pray at least a little together, but she usually falls asleep soon after we begin.

Anyways, she bought me a gift for Christmas from a company who I know supports abortion. She knows my concern about doing so. To her, its no big deal. She is upset that I wish to return it for something similar. Should I keep it to not annoy her? After all, she went thru all that trouble to find a gift she thought I would like.

There are a few more concerns I would like to share but I would like to have your guidance with these first.

Thanks.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

** My spouse and I have a good relationship **& make God & prayer a priority. However, she is not as dedicated as I. If I don’t suggest to say our prayers, it won’t happen.

Every night her TV programs such as “Desperate housewives” have to be watched. I usually stay up as late as I can so we can pray at least a little together, but she usually falls asleep soon after we begin.

Anyways, she bought me a gift for Christmas from a company who I know supports abortion. She knows my concern about doing so. To her, its no big deal.

She is upset that I wish to return it for something similar. Should I keep it to not annoy her? After all, she went thru all that trouble to find a gift she thought I would like.

There are a few more concerns I would like to share but I would like to have your guidance with these first.

Thanks.

**
Ok, I’ll tell you what I see. Since you say that overall you have a good relationship that puts God as a top priority I think you are dealing with a personality difference. And that is not something to make light of. Serious issues can stem from two different ways of thinking. Check your local library for a book called “Personality Plus for Couples”…it’s great:thumbsup:**

**Now, on to the issues you stated.

There is no reason that you can’t get prayers in and** have her be able to watch the shows she likes. Stop resenting that you have to take the lead and just accept it. Now, figure out a time for prayers that will allow her the tv time she desires AND is early enough for her to not fall asleep. What about before dinner? Or right after? Or buy her a PVR so she can watch shows on demand and not have to worry about catching them at a certain time (or day).

As for the Christmas gift, if you don’t beleive she bought it from that place ON PURPOSE, you need to apologize. She put thought into a gift for you and you are rejecting it for reasons that she doesn’t yet “get”. Maybe one day you will see eye to eye on the issue, but for now you are being ungrateful and that has to hurt her.

And, please read your own post a few times over. I see you wishing she could bend to your way of thinking. Maybe that is not the case but that is for you to honestly reflect on.

 

[Tellme_my_rites]

**
Ok, I’ll tell you what I see. Since you say that overall you have a good relationship that puts God as a top priority I think you are dealing with a personality difference. And that is not something to make light of. Serious issues can stem from two different ways of thinking. Check your local library for a book called “Personality Plus for Couples”…it’s great:thumbsup:**

**Now, on to the issues you stated.

There is no reason that you can’t get prayers in and** have her be able to watch the shows she likes. Stop resenting that you have to take the lead and just accept it. Now, figure out a time for prayers that will allow her the tv time she desires AND is early enough for her to not fall asleep. What about before dinner? Or right after? Or buy her a PVR so she can watch shows on demand and not have to worry about catching them at a certain time (or day).

As for the Christmas gift, if you don’t beleive she bought it from that place ON PURPOSE, you need to apologize. She put thought into a gift for you and you are rejecting it for reasons that she doesn’t yet “get”. Maybe one day you will see eye to eye on the issue, but for now you are being ungrateful and that has to hurt her.

And, please read your own post a few times over. I see you wishing she could bend to your way of thinking. Maybe that is not the case but that is for you to honestly reflect on.

Thank you for that excellent advice. I really mean that. I hope you can also help me with another (very) sensitive matter. Every 1st of the year, she joins a health club. She has a tough time losing weight more due to a lack of dedication. Her main problem is her lifestyle. She goes from the dinner table to the sofa or computer and is not one to pick up after herself.

I get excited when she wants to lose weight (she is obese). I want to be a part of her excitment and encourage different strategies to help her achieve it. I mentioned to her to be active after dinner but she doesn’t want to (she likes that time as her down time) and resents me for it. Right now I have to be more concerned over her health than her feelings. I suggested she do some simple leg lifts (or something) while at the TV set. I rather be a benefactor to her mentioning “His yoke is easy and His burden light”. In other words, better to do a little activity after dinner than deal with heart disease, or diabeties, or anything associated with being very overweight - where quality of life can take a giant plunge.

Her going to the gym all these years hasn’t helped her because she doesn’t apply herself as she should. She wants to lose weight, but she kids herself because she really (if we determine things by people’s actions) rather continue doing things the same way she always has. I wouldn’t love her if I did not want to protect her. Love consists in going against the grain every now and then. I don’t want her to see things my way, I want her to discern and see things the right way. How can that happen if I don’t offer suggestions? I’m down because she doesn’t love me when I’m trying to love and protect her.

Do I just need to shut up and love her? Should I let her do what she wants? She already knows what she should do, she don’t care. Maybe I should tell her I don’t care if she fails or how big she is. Oh my gosh, do I just need to offer it up? Is it that simple?

Thanks.

 

[gmarie21]

Have you thought about being active WITH her. Like making a date to go to the gym and work out together? Or maybe taking a romantic walk after dinner every night? Also, who does the cooking and shopping? Why not make healthier meals, have fruit for dessert (even with some Cool Whip), you know, be creative with making meals. That is great that you are concerned about her health, now, if you can be creative and make spending more time with you in activities more appealing than watching tv.

 

[juno24]

Thank you for that excellent advice. I really mean that. I hope you can also help me with another (very) sensitive matter. Every 1st of the year, she joins a health club. She has a tough time losing weight more due to a lack of dedication. Her main problem is her lifestyle. She goes from the dinner table to the sofa or computer and is not one to pick up after herself.

I get excited when she wants to lose weight (she is obese). I want to be a part of her excitment and encourage different strategies to help her achieve it. I mentioned to her to be active after dinner but she doesn’t want to (she likes that time as her down time) and resents me for it. Right now I have to be more concerned over her health than her feelings. I suggested she do some simple leg lifts (or something) while at the TV set. I rather be a benefactor to her mentioning “His yoke is easy and His burden light”. In other words, better to do a little activity after dinner than deal with heart disease, or diabeties, or anything associated with being very overweight - where quality of life can take a giant plunge.

Her going to the gym all these years hasn’t helped her because she doesn’t apply herself as she should. She wants to lose weight, but she kids herself because she really (if we determine things by people’s actions) rather continue doing things the same way she always has. I wouldn’t love her if I did not want to protect her. Love consists in going against the grain every now and then. I don’t want her to see things my way, I want her to discern and see things the right way. How can that happen if I don’t offer suggestions? I’m down because she doesn’t love me when I’m trying to love and protect her.

Do I just need to shut up and love her? Should I let her do what she wants? She already knows what she should do, she don’t care. Maybe I should tell her I don’t care if she fails or how big she is. Oh my gosh, do I just need to offer it up? Is it that simple?

Thanks.

May I suggest doing some type of exercise that she enjoys before dinner, instead of after? I know from personal experience that I cannot exercise after eating, and it is an absolute MUST that I enjoy what I am doing.

A little back story: I, too, am obese. I always had good intentions about getting fit, but I never could drag myself to the gym. I never wanted the general gym-going public to see me in my sweats or shorts and tee shirt huffing and puffing and jiggling away. So then I thought, I’ll go for a walk everyday. BOORRRINNGG!!! Not to mention I could not breathe while walking (turns out I have asthma that is exacerbated by exercise).
I bought an elyptical machine which I used on occasion, but not regularly.
Finally, last spring, my roommate suggested we get bikes. We went to the bike shop and got these really awesome recumbent trikes. I am hooked!!! Most days I cannot wait to get home so I can go riding. But the caveat with me is that I absolutely must exercise on an empty stomach. I cannot breathe if I exercise within 90 minutes or so of eating. I am still obese (I have a thyroid disorder which makes it very hard to lose weight), but I am FIT at last because I have found an exercise I truly love. And it really helps that my best friend (my roommate) exercises with me, so we both have that support and companionship. It was tough at first, but we made a pact that we would go home, get dressed for biking, and make one another get out there. If I didn’t feel like it, I made sure my friend knew to tell me to go anyway. Same with her, if she didn’t feel like it, I was to tell her to get up and go anyway.

Anyway, my suggestion to you is to find out what she would like to consider doing. If it is going for a walk with you before dinner, then by all means, both of you get your walking shoes on and head out the door. If she really would like to go to the gym, maybe she just needs you by her side exercising with her. Maybe she would be interested in riding, too. Whatever it is, she needs more than you simply telling her what she needs to do. She needs your support and quite possibly your active participation with her while she gets fit.

Just an FYI in case you’re interested in the trike I have, I’ve enclosed a pic. It is a very very sturdy trike and it does not in any way look or handle like a child’s tricycle. It’s very sporty, very easy to maneuver, easy on the joints and holds a great deal of weight.

 

[Lee_M]

Thank you for that excellent advice. I really mean that. I hope you can also help me with another (very) sensitive matter. Every 1st of the year, she joins a health club. She has a tough time losing weight more due to a lack of dedication. Her main problem is her lifestyle. She goes from the dinner table to the sofa or computer and is not one to pick up after herself.

I get excited when she wants to lose weight (she is obese). I want to be a part of her excitment and encourage different strategies to help her achieve it. I mentioned to her to be active after dinner but she doesn’t want to (she likes that time as her down time) and resents me for it. Right now I have to be more concerned over her health than her feelings. I suggested she do some simple leg lifts (or something) while at the TV set. I rather be a benefactor to her mentioning “His yoke is easy and His burden light”. In other words, better to do a little activity after dinner than deal with heart disease, or diabeties, or anything associated with being very overweight - where quality of life can take a giant plunge.

Her going to the gym all these years hasn’t helped her because she doesn’t apply herself as she should. She wants to lose weight, but she kids herself because she really (if we determine things by people’s actions) rather continue doing things the same way she always has. I wouldn’t love her if I did not want to protect her. Love consists in going against the grain every now and then. I don’t want her to see things my way, I want her to discern and see things the right way. How can that happen if I don’t offer suggestions? I’m down because she doesn’t love me when I’m trying to love and protect her.

Do I just need to shut up and love her? Should I let her do what she wants? She already knows what she should do, she don’t care. Maybe I should tell her I don’t care if she fails or how big she is. Oh my gosh, do I just need to offer it up? Is it that simple?

Thanks.

It’s fine to be supportive, but coming from a fellow guy, be careful. She is an adult. If she wants to exercise, she can. If she doesn’t then she won’t. Motivation needs to come from within herself. Support needs to come from you. If you are constantly telling her to exercise, you’re going to destroy her self esteem and her trust in you. She’ll feel like you’re judging her. The same goes with prayers. Ask her if she wants to join you in prayer. If she doesn’t, then go say the prayers alone. You making an issue of it won’t help anything at all.

 

[whatevergirl]

Tellingme–hello

Tough spot to be in, regarding your wife’s health. It’s important for us as spouses, to encourage and care about the well being of our spouses, and this includes their physical health. I have often wondered why it’s so horrible to tell someone to lose weight…but, not horrible to tell someone to stop smoking crack…if she had the latter habit, not a soul would tell you to not speak up. LOL

On the other hand–it can be a touchy subject. I get it.

If your wife is obese, she knows it. She lives with it every day…and probably has no idea where to begin. I would suggest going grocery shopping together. I would suggest not eating out as much. These can be quick fixes, but I would do one thing every day to show her you care about her. ALSO, COMPLIMENT HER ON HER POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES. So far, you name a lot of things you are not happy over…what are some things you ARE happy about? Tell her on a daily basis how happy you are to be married to her, she is beautiful…etc…compliments have a way of releasing endorphins (the feel good hormones)and making people feel more energetic and have higher self esteem. Criticizing her, while your intentions are good, won’t really help her to a better place.

As far as prayer goes, she might pray more than you …you don’t know… So, be careful in that department.

I will keep you in my prayers…and your wife. Work on finding all the good in her, and tell her daily. I think that eventually, it will help her to get motivated to make some changes. God bless!

 

[Ruthie]

Does your wife suffer from depression or fibromyalgia? Either of these can make it very hard to get started. (I’ve got 'em both.)

She goes from the dinner table to the sofa or computer and is not one to pick up after herself.

For a minute there, I thought you were talking about me!

I think Juno has given you the best advice. I would give a lot - and probably lose a lot, too, lol - if my DH would help me by exercising with me. A little nagging, a lot of help.

So work out an agreement with her. Start slow. Remember she is carrying a lot of extra weight. Think of it in terms of large bags of dog food. Myself, I have 3 50-lb bags I haul around every day; I’m not about to be able to walk a mile, let alone run one. And if I do even a tiny bit too much, I’m out of it for the next couple of days.

Good luck! I’ll pray for you both. Please pray for me.

Ruthie

 

[Tellme_my_rites]

Wow! You guys are AWESOME! Seriously! Everyone of you! I haven’t been on this site since my last post and believe me, I knew there had to be people praying for me because of what happened last night. After dinner, my youngest wanted to play catch with one of those real foamy nerf balls in the house. We did. My oldest (under 10) played too. My wife walked in after,and we all played monkey in the middle, soccer, and hot potato together.

That little bit of activity is what I have been hoping she would start to do. Sometimes some people go to the gym and it makes matters even worse. Knowing they accomplished their goal of going to the gym, they feel as if they have a right to more “down”/relax time at home. That has been the case here.

But there is something far better than that taking place. Your prayers helped me become the person I always wanted to be. I always tried to love my wife the way I always wanted to, but just kept messing up. Like a bolt of lightning, not only did I finally understand, I can honestly say that yesterday, I was given the grace to be that husband that her and I wanted me to be.

I totally offered her condition up. I can now honestly say with all my heart (we use that phrase so loosely at times, but not here) that I accept her for who she is, and whatever she decides to do. My vow was TO LOVE in sickness and in health, and that’s what I have started to do. Love is the answer. Love is the help we all need. We often forget about the power of compassion. I told her this. I never knew I had more weight (I’m physically slender and thin) weighing upon my heart and soul than she ever had on her physically. It was me who needed to lose weight more than her the whole time. I thought I was right for being the one who cared about her and she was wrong for not caring about herself. But now I have the discovered a paradox of love because now I don’t care. I love her no matter what, and show it more