Dealing with abuse from an elderly parent?

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tbcrawford said:
Anyway my post is…how do you deal with a parent who abuses you verbally and emotionally?
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It depends on the situation.

We had to deal with this ourselves. After my mother-in-law died, by father-in-law came to live with us. He started dictating to my wife would she should and should not be doing. My wife doesn’t do well with that, so she put him in his place. But, as old as he was, he still had his mental facilities, so he could be reasoned with.

When one starts losing there mental facilities, it can be a major problem. The abuse can be constant and unbearable, and the person cannot be reasoned with. As hard as it can be, and it is very hard, it might be time to consider putting the parent in a facility that can handle such a person.
 
Teresa,

As always, you are in my prayes. I understand and admire what you are doing, but please take care of yourself first and foremost. If you don’t, you aren’t a help to anyone and… It’s simply not healthy if you have other options. I’m so sorry you are going through all this.

My parents are not in good health. Briefly before and for some time after I sold my home- I stayed with them. It wasn’t a good environment as a teen there and is even worse now. My Father is in especially poor health and Mother isn’t doing well either. I was asked to stay with them and help out with things at the home and financially. I tried for several months. Frankly, it was a living hell. (forgive me) , but it was not a good or safe environment. I finally had to leave when things when things became… Irrational beyond words.

I placed all my plans aside, listened to advice due to guilt that I knew wasn’t going to work, helped out physically and a lil financially and offered them all I had… Unfortunately, sickness isn’t rational and my Father especially has always been extreme and in the end I was so wrecked emotionally between the two of them I finally left and stayed in a hotel with all my home contents in storage until I found the home I’m living in now. Now, I’m very close to losing everything and frankly after what I went through last summer- I would rather and will lose all my contents ( can’t afford to store them) and live in a shelter or my car before going through all again… Please, don’t judge or think poorly of me, this was a very extreme environment and they are apparently able to take care of all things on their own - at least for now and have done so amazingly…

Thankfully, you have your husband, but I’m sure that puts a strain on the marriage as well. We love our parents and want to do all we can for them, but you especially, with a husband and children and grandchild on the way - need to take care and secure yourselves first emotionally, spiritually, financially , etc before you can secure other things… If able… If you don’t have other options, I understand and all I can say is pray. God will work all things out in time.

I’m sorry you are experiencing this. Many prayers for you. Most importantly, remember how special and loved you are regardless of the steps you take regarding your mother.
 
tbcrawford said:
Anyway my post is…how do you deal with a parent who abuses you verbally and emotionally?

God bless
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Prayerfully and carefully. Pick and choose your battles. Most of them aren’t worth it - it’s our hurt, pride, frustration, weariness and many emotions that are on overdrive and kick in before we think about how to handle the situation. Try and remove yourself, if even for a moment, and think is this worth the battle that will ensue? Go back and try to find a way to disarm with conversation and kindness. Be prayerful at all times. The big battles - you have to stand your ground and remember you are trying to help her as God wants you to, but not let guilt or hurt override what needs to be done or handled at the time.

Praying …

God Bless~
 
If you do some library or internet research under the search criteria of " toxic personality ", there are a large number of finds.

If you do all the reading, the only remedy is “unplugging”.

NO ONE is entitled to use another person as a punching bag.

If they have food, clothing and shelter and heat in the winter, then that is all you can do.

If they refuse to take their meds, then there is nothing you can do.

Being a punching bag can only take place for a short while until the punching bag wears out.

So, once the basic needs are met, then you have to move on. Your own life and family take precedence.

It hurts … but there is nothing more you can do … and some people just have a psychological disorder that allows them to take pleasure in making other people miserable.

There are forms of Munchausen Syndrome in which parents get sympathy by hurting other people [spouses, children, caregivers], which is calculated by them to purposely backfire to purposely generate suffering to them which gains sympathy for them. This is deliberate behavior intended to satisfy their psychological needs.

Münchausen_syndrome_by_proxy

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Münchausen_syndrome_by_proxy

bullyonline.org/workbully/munchaus.htm

bullyonline.org/workbully/munchaus.htm

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychopathy
 
Thankyou everyone I truly appreciate all your responses advice prayers and support.

Many things have been happening.

I have had phone calls from social services and am currently on a waiting list to have a new Assessment done regarding my mother’s needs for care.

In the meantime I recieved a call from the manager of the day centre my mother attends a couple of times a week to tell me there are apartments available where care support workers can go in and attend to all needs as required.The manager said she would contact social services (which she has done) to suggest this may be an option to pursue which could be right for my mother. Of course all this depens on the assessment of her needs.

I recieved another call from social services yesterday and they are interesetd in pursuing the possibility of mother living at my sisters house (where I already care for and support my two sisters).

At least social services are ‘on the case’.

I will update when the assessment has taken place and can glean some information.

Once again thankyou very much to everyone who has posted I am truly grateful to each of you.

Dear Bix I am so sorry you have endured so much and are still going through so much. You are in my thoughts and prayers my friend

God bless
 
I am in a similar situation and for me the hardest thing was admitting that, in spite of my best efforts, I could not provide the care that my elderly relatives needed. If your Mom is argumentative and abusive, refuses your efforts to help her, etc, then you are not able to adequately provide for all her needs (because she refuses everything you offer.) I think it is commendable that you are recognizing this. If she refuses social services in her home, then she needs to go to a facility that can best address all of her healthcare needs. There really is no choice in the matter, because her physical health and your mental health is in jeopardy.

I had to finally bring my family member to the hospital. He went into 2 different rehabs. I never wanted to send him to a nursing home, but he went temporarily because it was the best thing to do for him. Now he is home. At first he refused home services, but I told him he had no choice. The deal was home services or nursing home. That made him more cooperative and starting to do a little better. Sometimes tough love is the only thing you can do. If your Mom is living with you or your sister, then quite frankly, the ball is in your court. It is your house and she needs to agree with your rules, which includes taking her meds, eating, drinking, etc. God bless you. It is not easy. :console:
 
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Hello Teresa. I just now saw your thread on here. That said, I am happy that things are beginning to move along with social services and everything concerning your mom. I really don’t know what to say other than that I will pray for you and the whole situation.
 
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†
 
crystal_waters said:
BIX: - would you be able to move the things from storage into the home you are living in? Then you wont lose your stuff
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Crystal~
Thank you for the kind advice. Unfortunately, no… I moved almost everything into the place I’m living now. All that is left in storage are a few boxes and a nice stainless steel refrigerator less than a year or so old that I no longer need. It would have been nice to at least donate it to someone… My car lease had ran out and I paid cash for my car(thankfully ) and then pre paid half a years rent. Unfortunately, the toll of dealing and living with my family for 6 months literally left me wrecked. I cost me quite a bit staying in a safe hotel and paying for storage while looking for a place and then the money I lent / gave to help out. I was a wreck for a little while. It took longer to get back to my " normal" self and finding a job hasn’t worked out. So, basically, I meant I would lose all in my home and live wherever…
Thanks though.

Sorry for veering off course of the thread.
~ God Bless

Teresa, Prayers continued for you and your situation.
God Bless
 
Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†
 
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†
 
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†
 
Bix said:
Crystal~
Thank you for the kind advice. Unfortunately, no… I moved almost everything into the place I’m living now. All that is left in storage are a few boxes and a nice stainless steel refrigerator less than a year or so old that I no longer need. It would have been nice to at least donate it to someone… My car lease had ran out and I paid cash for my car(thankfully ) and then pre paid half a years rent. Unfortunately, the toll of dealing and living with my family for 6 months literally left me wrecked. I cost me quite a bit staying in a safe hotel and paying for storage while looking for a place and then the money I lent / gave to help out. I was a wreck for a little while. It took longer to get back to my " normal" self and finding a job hasn’t worked out. So, basically, I meant I would lose all in my home and live wherever…
Thanks though.

Sorry for veering off course of the thread.
~ God Bless

Teresa, Prayers continued for you and your situation.
God Bless
Click to expand...
Dear Bix my heart goes out to you.I continue to pray for you each day that you will get the security of the right job for you and things will improve for you financially and in every way.
Love to you my friend

God bless
 
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†
 
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†
 
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†
 
Teresa, I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s not easy. My father has become somewhat verbally abusive to my sister, and we think it’s due to depression after losing our mother last summer. He won’t talk about it, and definitely won’t go speak to anyone about how he’s feeling. I don’t know what the right answer is for you and your family. I just know that I will keep you in my prayers as you so faithfully prayed for me and my family when we needed it most.
 
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†
 
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