Dealing with an adult who has Down Syndrome

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There is a man ‘Bob’ at my church who has down syndrom and is in his mid 20s. He often comes to church with his parents. Whenever there is coffee or some social after church, Bob sticks to me like glue. If I see him go in the hall ahead of me, I will quietly walk to the other end of the room to keep a distance. But somehow he always manages to find me and want to tell me the same stories over and over. I know it is not his fault but he always looses his train of thought.

My resentment is their are a lot of people I would like to talk with and I can’t because Bob insists on having my undivided attention. Or sometimes I am tired and just want to zone out for 5 minutes.

Last time, I was sitting by myself at a table and he just would NOT stop. He kept calling me name and I kept turning my head away from him and he just would NOT stop. His parents come and go and socialize with others and leave Bob to do what he wants. Other people will come say ‘hi’ to Bob, he will talk to them for a minute and then he is right back talking to me.

I am starting to think that I am at the stage where I will need to get his parents involved. It is the last thing I want to do since I don’t want to hurt them, but I am at the end of my rope with his sticking to me like glue.

Any suggestions (and don’t say offer it up because I do NOT want him around me anymore)
 
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Hi Bob. I would like to talk to some other people now.

Hi Bob, have you made some new friends? Well, you’ll have to keep trying to talk to different people each time you come.

Hi Bob. Have you volunteered to help with the clean up? Please go see if you can help.

Lead Bob to his parents. Then excuse yourself to get a drink.
 
Can’t you talk to other people with Bob around? Maybe include him in the conversation? You can politely acknowledge him, but you shouldn’t feel you have to be there every single time he calls your name. After you’ve greeted him, made him feel welcome and chatted with him for a couple minutes, I think it’s fine to go talk to other people and if necessary just ignore Bob for a while. Maybe speak a little more to him later. It sounds like others are speaking to Bob so it’s not like you’re his only friend at the social and you shouldn’t feel like it’s your job to be his constant companion for the whole social time.

If you are at a social, then that’s not a place where people usually zone out, because others (not just Bob) may come up and want to be social with you. If you have to take a little break like that then I’d say, go into the restroom, or a private room, or your car.
 
I don’t have a lot of experience with this, but I think Lara had the right idea. You probably need to be much more direct with Bob. He won’t understand subtle social cues that you’re done talking. Be loving and gentle but quite clear. “Thanks for talking to me, Bob. It’s time for you to talk to someone else now.” And if it doesn’t work, then I think having a quiet word with his parents would be best. I would bet that they don’t realize how much this is bothering you and will be happy to step in. Like, letting him say hi and chat for a minute to you but then being more careful in steering him away to other friends. It probably seems daunting to talk to them, but I bet it will go easier than you think. They know Bob and will know how to handle it. I hope it works out! :hugs:
 
cmscms said:
Any suggestions (and don’t say offer it up because I do NOT want him around me anymore)
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If you feel harassed, which is perfectly reasonable, and even though Bob does have a disability it does not excuse him from making you feel uncomfortable.

I would raise it with his parents and perhaps with the priest. Just state it simply:

Would you be able to keep Bob at a distance from me? He has been crossing over personal boundaries and making me feel uncomfortable.

No need to add anything else. 🌷
 
I don’t think it would be wrong to have a quiet word with his parents if you aren’t able to manage this situation alone. It’s not wrong of you to want to talk to different people and it sounds like he needs some more guidance with his socialising.
 
I have a lot of friends with down syndrome. I guess it’s just important to be patient even when it is hard at times. One of my friends ______ with down syndrome acts in a similar manner. She tells me the same things over again and loves to talk! Maybe include Bob in your conversations with others. I’ve noticed that the more patient I try to be, I end up feeling better about the situation. Think about what Jesus would do in this situation.
 
ConfusedLucy said:
I don’t think it would be wrong to have a quiet word with his parents if you aren’t able to manage this situation alone. It’s not wrong of you to want to talk to different people and it sounds like he needs some more guidance with his socialising.
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I suspect that maybe his parents need some breaks from him, since they likely have to be around him for a large portion of the time, or maybe most of the time if he lives with them. They would probably like to have some time and space to themselves too.

I’m not saying it’s wrong to have a word with the parents, but if there’s other adults who can do something like enlist Bob to help out with the cleanup or spend some time talking to him so he doesn’t always focus on one person, it might be a kinder way to handle it than putting it back on the parents’ plate.
 
I second Lara too. This is what I would do (now that she said it).
I don’t understand why people suggest you having somehow to sort Bob out, like helping him getting involved in some activity, when you have no preparation for dealing with Down Syndrome and you already feel overburdened by his presence.
And if you are a woman then you are once again within your rights to ask for help in handling the presence of an adult man who is mentally challenged. Mentally challenged does not mean someone is a child. They are grownups with limited social skills and intellectual capacities. Some people know how to help them others are not so used to it or not gifted to it.
Everyone has a different talent and vocation. I would not feel guilty at all asking for his parents’ intervention and/or the priest.
 
True the OP can’t heal Bob but he can do his best to make him feel loved,included and welcomed.
I second the suggestion of interacting with others while Bob is around.
 
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I think it’s more the parents responsibility to see if they can help their son find other people to interact with or jobs to do than the OP though.
 
I may be biased here because a person very close to our family, who’s essentially an adopted family member, was a teacher for the mentally challenged and through that and some folks in our neighborhood, we’ve had exposure to Downs adults. Part of parenting a Down’s adult is to encourage them to do some things on their own. The parents are likely going to die before Bob, and Bob is still going to have to interact in society without them, so at some point it won’t be possible for them to “parent” Bob. Depending on how independent Bob is, it may not be entirely possible for them to “parent” him now.

I understand Bob, and some Downs adults, can be annoying, but from a Christian standpoint as well as for Bob’s own good, since he is an adult and not childhood age, it’s good to involve people other than his parents. I am presuming if he is being allowed to interact on his own in a social gathering, it’s not a case of someone needing to “take responsibility” for him, and I’m not saying the OP needs to do that. Simply that we need to respond to these adults more as a community and less as “you’re his parents, you take care of it” as if he were an unruly child.
 
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I agree his parents can’t do it alone, I just wonder if they would be better equipped, the OP sounds like they are struggling.
 
It may be that the OP isn’t the right person to be dealing with Bob. As Lara noted, these folks need someone who can politely but firmly say “No” sometimes or otherwise develop a strategy for not letting the person monopolize their time. It can be tough to do, especially if you’re worried about not being charitable when you say, “Well, Bob, it’s been nice seeing you but I need to talk to some other people now, so bye.”
 
cmscms said:
I am starting to think that I am at the stage where I will need to get his parents involved. It is the last thing I want to do since I don’t want to hurt them, but I am at the end of my rope with his sticking to me like glue.
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Certainly can understand your feelings and in no way are you wrong. One word of caution though. I imagine everyone else is aware of Bob, and someone who treats him harshly, will become a villain in their eyes. Not saying you have to put up with it, but chose your way of handling the situation, carefully and wisely. I don’t think you want the “there’s that mean old bat who hurt that poor boy Bob.” type of rep.
Shalom.
 
It probably would be better if there were multiple people, be good for Bob to have some variety and it would be easier on each person.
 
One other thought. Charity and kindness to those who are “difficult” may well be the 9th corporal work of mercy. I think in the end, Jesus will say to you, “well done, good and faithful servant” if you are charitable toward Bob, even though he is “difficult”.
 
Joeybaggz. You might be right. But at some point, I’ve reached my limit of listening to stories. When I was young, I could listen to five hours of a professor speaking for two classes back to back. But now, it exhausts me. I don’t think God expects us to listen to somebody who won’t stop talking beyond our capacities.
 
Rozellelily said:
True the OP can’t heal Bob but he can do his best to make him feel loved,included and welcomed.
I second the suggestion of interacting with others while Bob is around.
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But by the same token it’s not OK for the OP to feel uncomfortable or cornered. The OP has rights as well.

I don’t think saying, “I’m going to go talk to Sam and Mary now - it was good to see you at Mass today,” is exclusionary or rude. It’s not fair to expect accommodation all the time.

The OP honestly can’t do much about how that’s interpreted by the receiver in this case. He isn’t Bob’s medical professional - he’s a fellow parishioner who needs a break.
 
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