Dealing with an adult who has Down Syndrome

[Pup7]

Dacinom:

God bless you! I’m not sure exactly how to respond, since at the end of your post you wrote you don’t “want him around anymore.”

Do you wish to cut off contact completely? Are you simply venting out of frustration and perhaps willing to help him make new friends?

I do think after a cooling off period and I trust some kind of ground rules are established, I could give him a 5 minute hello

Gosh - it must be even worse than we thought.

Yes - you need to step in and say something. You are under no obligation to deal with anyone to this extent.

Wish I could help. I can only send prayers.

 

[MaryT777]

we need to respond to these adults more as a community and less as “you’re his parents, you take care of

This is completely inappropriate to state that “feelings about Bod seem to border to being hostile.” I COMPLETELY DISAGREE.

She has been charitable. She is simply wanting to socialize with others in the Church. There have been many helpful comments that I hope the OP can work with, but this was rude and not helpful to Judge the OP.

 

[cmscms]

It does not matter what question I ask him he always turns the answer into telling me the same story over and over. There have been times at a meal where I have purposefully said things like ‘This salad is so good Bob, why don’t you get some and try it’ and he will say ‘no’ and then repeat the same story.

I feel I have tried to make efforts to at the very least talk about something else and make it a 2 way conversation between us but it always goes back to his monologues where he needs my undivded attention

 

[cmscms]

I can’t help but think that these people in your church who only gave a passing hello intnetionally did it because they learnt the person with special needs just is NOT cabaple of a 2 way interesting conversation and they are trying to avoid them.

Group homes are equiped to deal with challenging people. As a community, I have no problem with him showing up and partaking in the actitives. I draw the line at cornering me constantly.

And if evertime I come back from a church gathering I appear hostile, then I think it is high time the situation needs to change

 

[cmscms]

Apology accepted

 

[cmscms]

Well, I think it goes back to different people have different chemistries and not everyone hits it off with everybody else.

There is also a special needs person ‘John’, I always say ‘hi’ to to him and he blushes and the deacon tells him to shake my hand and after 5 mintues of socializing I leave him alone because I can tell he is embarrased. There was a time were there were books for sale at the back of the church and John was upset because he was told he had to pay for one so I bought it for him.

I feel I do my part in being charitable, I am just NOT equipped to be around Bob

 

[FrancisPio]

It does not matter what question I ask him he always turns the answer into telling me the same story over and over. There have been times at a meal where I have purposefully said things like ‘This salad is so good Bob, why don’t you get some and try it’ and he will say ‘no’ and then repeat the same story.

I feel I have tried to make efforts to at the very least talk about something else and make it a 2 way conversation between us but it always goes back to his monologues where he needs my undivded attention

No, that’s not what I meant. I meant that when there are clusters of people talking that you want to talk to then do so. But before talking to them, be a wing man and introduce him as well.

 

[A_Really_Big_Cat]

Say to his parents, “I’m sorry, but I get really uncomfortable and anxious when your son tries to talk to me. I don’t want to hurt his or your feelings, but there are people I am trying to talk to and bob seems to want my undivided attention. Can you help me deal with him?” Be gentle but firm in saying you don’t want to be the only person he talks to.

 

[MaryT777]

I don’t know the heart of the OP but she seems very kind to have dealt with this so long. Perhaps we should think of her desire to socialize with someone more than 'Bob." I personally think that is more than reasonable. She is not responsible week after week for his socialization.
She has take good care of Bob and now is time for other solutions so he can branch out beyond time with the OP,

 

[MaryT777]

I agree that Bob is is part of the Body of Christ but it is not the OP’s responsibility to be with him the whole parish social time.

 

[BlueMaxx]

His parents come and go and socialize with others and leave Bob to do what he wants. Other people will come say ‘hi’ to Bob, he will talk to them for a minute and then he is right back talking to me.

I truly feel your angst and can empathize with you…my whole life I have been a magnet for similar people. I sometimes think I am an island for broken toys…especially while working as a Paramedic, the broken seemed to gravitate to me…from children to the elderly. I sometimes feel terrible that I have squandered so many opportunities to show love. But there were times I was just like you and needed to detach.

But the real issue is not with Bob, he is obviously incapable of understanding what he is doing…the real issue is with his parents and in my humble opinion where you should go to to try and resolve this.

It is a tough row to hoe for sure…and in my life looking back at the exact same situations I wonder if God was not putting me where I needed to be for reasons I did not understand at the time…He can use you in ways you may not even realize or perceive. That doesn’t mean you need to be burdened with this unfortunate man and his issues at all time, and perhaps finding a “Godly” way out of this will help you grow in ways you did not expect.

I think you must have an incredibly tender heart, and as 0Scarlett_nidiyilii said he must feel safe with you, and you are nurturing to him for reasons that are not apparent to you…As we give thanks to Mary, you should be happy you emulate such traits…so let that comfort your heart that God has gifted you so.

But go to his parents, explain gently your situation and how it is making YOU feel, how is affecting your worship and fellowship. I am sure they are aware of it already, and with having to care for Bob and experience daily his behavior just have been a little selfish in their relief from Bob, or perhaps they are just clueless.

I will say a prayer for all of ya!

M

 

[MaryT777]

You are not required to do so. You have already had an impact on Bob by your friendliness longer than I think most people could do so.

 

[cmscms]

aww what a kind post. Thank you

 

[cmscms]

well, most of the people I want to talk to already know him. And I am quite confident they would be more than happy to include him in the conversation

Honestly, I can help but think that if I introduced him to someone in the hopes that he strikes up a conversatin with someone else, I am being uncharitable to the other person dumping Bob on him

 

[Rozellelily]

I hear what you are saying.
At the same time though,I don’t think Bob should be viewed purely through a “medical model”.
There’s no suggestion that the OP should be his medical professional,just his friend.
Often people with disabilities are seen through the lens of their disability but they should be viewed as"whole persons" like anybody else.

Who knows,perhaps Jesus is trying to teach the OP something through this circumstance?

 

[joeybaggz]

Trust me, I would have no problem buying Bob lunch at a time that was convenient for me.

Love the concept of charity toward the underprivileged when it is convenient for you. Let’s see, give the diner five or six bucks when Bob isn’t around and then disappear. Sort of glad a certain Carpenter from Galilee all those years ago, didn’t find the abuse and death He suffered for people that irritated HIm, an inconvenience.

I don’t have a problem with trying to find a solution that eases the “problem” the OP is subjected to. I am sure I would do the same thing. It’s just that last sentence of hers, and your sentiment "I do NOT want him around me anymore that I find difficult to swallow. To find a gentle and agreeable solution to her “problem” is fine and proper, but as I said, that last thought is one of the most in-Christian like sentiments I have encountered on this forum. And your idea of charity that is “convenient” is akin to her sentiment.

 

[Pup7]

At the same time though,I don’t think Bob should be viewed purely through a “medical model”.

There’s no suggestion that the OP should be his medical professional,just his friend.

I didn’t say there was any suggestion.

I said that she’s not and can’t be expected to anticipate his every reaction because she’s not.

I’m not sure how you got all that from this one sentence:

He isn’t Bob’s medical professional - he’s a fellow parishioner who needs a break.

Which was a response to this:

True the OP can’t heal Bob but he can do his best to make him feel loved,included and welcomed.

(My apologies, as at the time I posted I missed that the OP is a woman.)

She’s human, and at some point, enough is enough. I seriously doubt she’s supposed to not enjoy social time after church because she’s supposed to be learning something from someone that clearly is making her uncomfortable and is monopolizing her time to the point she cannot do things she wants to do.

We have no idea what he may be saying to her, how he may be coming across, what he’s talking about.

She has rights, and one of them is the right to say she’s had enough. It’s not uncharitable in the least. She has a right to enjoy her free time with whom she sees fit.

And as for this:

Often people with disabilities are seen through the lens of their disability but they should be viewed as"whole persons" like anybody else.

I have an older cousin - likely my favorite cousin, to be honest - who is mentally handicapped due to an intractable fever he developed as a child. He is about 57 years old and is mentally about six or seven. He is a very sweet man, wouldn’t hurt a fly, and given the era in which he grew up my grandmother’s sister - his mom - did an amazing job caring for him and teaching him. He is delightful to be around, but I would expect someone to tell him “I really need to be somewhere else now, it was really good to see you again, David,” and walk away if he was too much for them.

I’m well aware of how the mentally handicapped are viewed and how they should be treated. I owe that to my sweetie of a cousin, whom I love dearly.

 

[Rozellelily]

Maybe the change needs to come about in how you view Bob.
Ie:feeling your “dumping” him on someone else may be a natural feeling, but it comes across as a bit disrespectful to Bob.
Instead of viewing it as dumping him,perhaps view him as “just another friend” and say “Bob,I’m going over to talk to xyz,do you want to come too?”
That way you can socialise with others,but remain respectful to Bob and treating him as an equal rather than someone you are tolerating or “caring for”.

Perhaps Bobs friendship is even a privilege in a way and you have been given an opportunity to show others how to interact lovingly with him.

You must be a really nice and kindhearted individual for Bob to have decided to be “attracted” to you specifically.

 

[cmscms]

I think you missed the point of my post. All the example’s you gave about the guy near your store appeared to be the convenient ways to help someone which is why I didn’t think your example was similar to the situation I am in.

I agree that not wanting around me is harsh, but at the same time I am really at the end of my rope with him. Unlike the carpenter, I am a sinner

 

[Rozellelily]

It’s touching to hear your story about your cousin.
My apologies as for some reason I thought the OP was male too.
I think it would still be possible to socialise with other people with Bob there too as the OP mentioned the others already know him and would be happy to have him part of the conversation.

Socialising after Church is good,but socialising can be done anytime/anywhere.
Generally speaking (I’m not suggesting the OP is doing this) I don’t think excessive focus should be placed on socialising to the exclusion of what’s more important in Catholic life such as doing to the least of thee etc.