Dealing with an adult who has Down Syndrome

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cmscms said:
I think you missed the point of my post. All the example’s you gave about the guy near your store appeared to be the convenient ways to help someone which is why I didn’t think your example was similar to the situation I am in.
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I understand your situation, but let me ask you, do you really think it is convenient to take your lunch hour and give a lather and blade shave to a man who staggers, stumble, grunts and gestures wildly to passersby on a busy public street. To be on the receiving end of looks of confusion and crude humor for performing an act of charity that, not only no one else in town would do, but probable very few of the sanctimonious people who call themselves Christians. Convenient, not on a bet!
 
Yes, I agree my feelings are becoming disrespectful which is why I am posting for feedback. I am realizing it is time to do something because I am becomin uncharitable in my thoughs which IMO is just as bad as being outwardly rude (God knows my heart)

Asking him to join me in a conversation with other people would NOT work. Bob only knows how to give monologues
 
You either have to say something to his parents, or dismiss him politely and walk away. You have every right to do either. At some point it’s no longer about charity. You too have a life and things you would like to do in the time after Mass, and there is nothing wrong with that.

It’s why we have coffee hour/socializing after Mass in the first place.
 
yes, the lawyer was a saint no question about it. But it still doesn’t change the fact that I would prefer to put up with people looking at me like I was a weirdo for performing a duty I chose to do than putting up with Bob’s monologues. Different people have different levels of tolerances for different irritants.

Also, you mentioned in your original post the lawyer had a special needs son. If I met someone with the same struggle as one of my loved ones, I would definetely have more motivation to help that person. When I see someone struggle with something a loved one struggled with, I feel it is my opportunity to give thanks and pay back for all the people who helped my loved ones.

Since Bob is the closest special needs person I have ever had in my life, I just don’t have the same reference point
 
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yes, I think the issue is I am so petrified of bein aggressive that I am being passive.
 
I have empathy for that - there’s a lot going on here and you don’t want to give the impression that you’re just being a jerk, because you’re not. But you’re not wrong for wanting it to change.

I suspect the reason no one has come to your rescue is no one wants to be back in your shoes. Or no one knows that you want things to be a bit different.
 
cmscms said:
yes, the lawyer was a saint no question about it. But it still doesn’t change the fact that I would prefer to put up with people looking at me like I was a weirdo for performing a duty I chose to do than putting up with Bob’s monologues. Different people have different levels of tolerances for different irritants.

Also, you mentioned in your original post the lawyer had a special needs son. If I met someone with the same struggle as one of my loved ones, I would definetely have more motivation to help that person. When I see someone struggle with something a loved one struggled with, I feel it is my opportunity to give thanks and pay back for all the people who helped my loved ones.

Since Bob is the closest special needs person I have ever had in my life, I just don’t have the same reference point
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Fair enough, I’ll leave it at that. Prayers offered for your struggles.
 
I am quite confident no one knows how much it is aggravating me. It is not my style to talk behind people’s backs. Especially when the last thing I want is for the person (ie this case Bob) to some how find out about it and be hurt
 
I was meaning more by picking up on body language. Not talking.

Sometimes it’s obvious that someone is uncomfortable if you pick up on body language, even as an observer across a room. And that’s not a negative - it’s being human.
 
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oh I see. I still don’t think people know. I just don’t think they are paying attention
 
I want to thank everyone for their (name removed by moderator)ut. It has made me feel supported and given a lot of good ideas to try
 
You could still do it though even if the situation isn’t Bobs “ideal”.
Eg:he may not be able to have a back and forth conversation but maybe he could just stand there and might feel happy that he’s still being included.

Perhaps it’s a case that Bob keeps wanting to solely “cling” to you is because you keep resisting it and wanting him not to/feel bothered by it.
Life sometimes does that to us.

Or perhaps that’s not the case and it’s rather that it’s a lesson for you on how to distinguish Christian love/charity/kindness from feeling excessive responsibility for others.
Some people have got this “thing” where they feel excessively responsible for others but this is different from Catholic/Christian love and charity and is not beneficial for anyone really.
True love/charity/kindness comes from a place of already being emotionally balanced (if that makes sense).
It doesn’t come from a place of feeling one has to do this something kind,but rather from a personal choice.

Or perhaps it is God working for a higher purpose through the situation.Whether changing your inner character to more compassionate or perhaps using your already compassionate character and the way you interact with someone with a disability as an example to others etc…

To me,talking to other people while Bob is around-even if he can’t join in-seems ideal.
If that seems really unrealistic then could you try saying to Bob “I’m just going to go talk to xyz,I’ll come back later”?
 
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I think you are right to try and set up some boundaries between you and Bob. We all understand you don’t want to be uncharitable in your thoughts or actions, but the situation is ruining your peace and you are in no way obligated to have your personal space and boundaries intruded on like that. I think almost anyone would feel the same way. You have been very patient and you’re probably right that no one realizes how miserable you are. Please, please start speaking up, by talking to the parents or talking to the priest.

If you are really uncomfortable talking to Bob’s parents (and I would in no way blame you for that), he could talk to them for you or at least stand with you as you talk to them and provide good counsel. I bet his presence would help make sure that there were no misunderstandings or hurt feelings, and he could explain how you feel if you’re too shy to really speak up. I’m glad you’ve received such good advice on this thread. I hope, in time, that after some clear boundaries are set up, that you will be able to go to the socials and not resent or dread his presence. Be sure to pray about it all first and place it in God’s hands before you talk to someone.
 
Bobs parents should really be observing from a distance and intervening when they notice him taking over a single individual for too long in my opinion.
 
I have a loved one with down syndrome, and it has always bothered me when I hear someone say “the down syndrome girl” or “a down syndrome adult” or “a Down’s” etc etc
I know most people mean no harm, but I think it is more respectful to say “a girl with down syndrome” or “a man with down syndrome”. Rather than label a person as being their disability, lets recognize their inherent dignity and worth as human beings and children of God first 🙂
God bless you OP, I hope you find peace in this situation. And God bless Bob too! My Dad has always said that people like him will fly to heaven when they die 🙂
 
LittleFlower said:
He has been crossing over personal boundaries and making me feel uncomfortable.
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I would caution about using this phrase unless it is absolutely true. Personal boundaries might imply something sexual and that is probably not the case. Just be clear with the real issue - he singles you out and follows/stays with you during the entire event. Hopefully, direct redirection will keep him moving on during the event. Good luck.
 
Unfortunately, I have tried to have group conversations and Bob just can’t do it.

I haven’t been clear and firm and it is time to do that. Hopefully God will give me to the strenght and grace to do it politely
 
Yeah, I agree but I also think they are at the end of their rope. They have been putting up with this for 20+ years. I also heard through the grapevine that they felt both they (ince they are no longer young) and Bob were at an age that it would be best to put him in a home but Bob got really hurt and they don’t have the heart to do it
 
I did recognize his dignitiy, that is why I gave him a name ie ‘Bob’
 
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