Dealing with betrayal by a close friend

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SarahKate

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I’m new to posting on the forums, but have been a lurker for a while. :hugs:

I’m in RCIA, after about 1.5 years of studying early church history and reading the writings of the early church fathers. It has been a very hard, trying time of spiritual refinement. God has been doing a lot of pruning, but it’s been a good thing. We still attend a Baptist Church on Sundays and I attend Mass when possible. My husband isn’t convinced completely yet about Catholicism.

We are very close with a couple in our class, and the husband recently stepped up as a leader in our Sunday School class.

Several months ago I was going through a very difficult time spiritually and we asked them for prayers and I confided in them about my journey to Catholicism and also some hurts I’d been dealt in an unrelated way by some of the leaders in the preschool ministry.
There was nothing but love and prayer and understanding when my husband and I spoke with them. They said no matter what we decided, they’d be there for us, but obviously hoped we’d stay bc they loved our friendship.

Fast forward to yesterday. Our friend was leading a study on unity (ironic, no?) and stated that anyone wanting to leave our church without a “core-doctrinal” reason is being a heretic and divisive and is pulling out a quitter card and is spiritually immature. Then he proceeded, without using my name, to use details and specific wordings and examples from what I’d confided to them as fodder for his lesson. Even though he didn’t use my name, he made it clear that those examples had come from someone in the room. Everyone in the class knows we are close friends. It’s not that hard to put two and two together.

We are at a complete and total loss. Stunned. Feeling utterly betrayed. We had NO idea he felt this way.

I know the Christian response is to model Jesus’ love and compassion like he did with Judas.

My question is this: in modeling Jesus’ response should we confront our friend about this (like in Matthew) or just quietly pull back from the friendship?

My husband has been on the verge of leaving this church for a while now. He holds Catholic doctrinal beliefs, but has some issues with Mary, the Pope, etc. that he’s working out. I would hate that the main reason he started attending Mass was out of anger. I’ve been praying for God to lead my husband to the right place. Could this be a sign? I knew that the path would be difficult, but this cut so deeply.

Any advice or insight is gladly welcomed.
 
Since they are friends I would definitely talk with them directly and see what they respond.
 
That was very odd, especially the someone in this room remark. I would certainly discuss it with him.
 
SarahKate said:
My question is this: in modeling Jesus’ response should we confront our friend about this (like in Matthew) or just quietly pull back from the friendship?
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I would tell them why “When I discussed things with you in confidence, I expected them to remain there. Guess this is another reason to stay with Catholic Church, the seal of confession will never be broken.”

But, that is me 🙂
 
Tell him that you didn’t appreciate that, and leave it at that. I wouldn’t get into a back and forth with him, it’s not worth it. Say your peace and move on…if you even decide to say anything at all. If you’re leaving the church anyway, maybe I wouldn’t even say anything.
 
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I hate confrontation, but I’m curious to see how they’ll respond.
 
SarahKate said:
I hate confrontation, but I’m curious to see how they’ll respond.
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Me too. But I now regret I wasn’t more at ease with confronting people in the past. I am now left with several loose ends I sometimes feel guilty for. I know…place it to God, ask a saint for help, pray. This works but… maybe my faith is weak or I am just weak altogether but certain relationships I am sad I just left behind.
Maybe they won’t be confrontational and apologize for using a side kick to tell you how they really think about your choice. Maybe they were just too emotional to tell it to your faces. Or maybe they were cowards. Some times it really is just best to know for sure and not assume things…
 
I think when you concern yourself with worldly things they drag you down. Love is the answer, forgive the person you once liked and concentrate on your most important relationship…with Our Father.
 
SarahKate said:
I know the Christian response is to model Jesus’ love and compassion like he did with Judas.
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I think the Christian response is to kick the dust from you shoes and move on.
SarahKate said:
but obviously hoped we’d stay bc they loved our friendship.
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It is fairly clear from the outset they feel they can’t be friends unless you stay. That is really sad but God will give you new friends.
The Journey is never easy.
 
It’s up to you if you want to remain friends with them. If you do, you may have opportunities to explain why you chose the Catholic faith. Don’t be negative about Baptists, as that will cause them to pull away. But if you speak positively about the Catholic Church’s beliefs without comparing them directly, who knows what might happen?
 
Face-to-face “clarification.” RCIA leaders - all leaders - are still operating with a broken human nature and tend toward power grabs and “my way or the highway” thinking. Such statements (I was not there) demonstrate the ego and immaturity that is being decried! Good grief.

This person needs to be talked to soon and directly. Do not be afraid to quit your ministry and serve elsewhere, as the activists that are drawn to such ministries can make life miserable. However, tolerating injustice gracefully is a spiritual work of mercy if you are so inclined.

In this vein, our daughter attended a Catholic preparatory high school. To be confirmed she had already accomplished more at high school than was required at our local parish. Nope! Had to go through his local program to be confirmed.

We went elsewhere and the local RCIA director proclaimed our daughter’s confirmation by the Bishop to be “ilicit”! He put her on “probation” as an altar server. She quit, but that’s another story.

Such insult, intended or not, is a betrayal of trust and a quick in-person correction is warranted to nip this in the bud. This person is not a friend, so you cannot lose a friend. Still, beware of the micro-mafia that these can be.
 
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Just to clarify, the leader is a Sunday School teacher at the Baptist Church we are still attending, not a RCIA leader.
 
Oh! Well, that changes everything. This person is jealous. If you are in RCIA, and certain that you are becoming Catholic, then leave this person in your dust and attend mass. Even without the Sacraments, you will be exposed to far greater depth of the Christian experience than you would under this person.

It is a leap of faith, but I seriously doubt that you will be disappointed.
 
Just tell them you’re disappointed in their publicizing what you thought was a private discussion, and that since you are leaving for the Catholic church anyway, this just provides more impetus to do so. Then cut the persons off and don’t look back.
 
Well said!

For the OP: And, just know that any confession you make cannot be violated. That alone is a great comfort.
 
SarahKate, that was a horrifying and humiiating experience. I feel for you and your husband.

I was thinking …Jesus would understand your experience of betrayal. He was sitting at the table with people who’d been with him for two or three years, who’d seen His goodness, and even His miracles, but one at the table with Him sold him into torture and death.
And the other friends, except John, didn’t have the courage to stand by Him during His tortuous death.
I suppose it’s not surprising that we are sometimes betrayed by friends and confidants.

Regarding you husband’s difficulties with Mary.
He wouldn’t discount the love her wonderful Son had for her always, nor that of all women throughout time Mary was chosen by God as mother of the Divine Son,
but he may question that Catholics ask her intercession.

There is a strong biblical precedent.
Jesus responded positively to the request, the intercession His Mother Mary at the wedding feast of Cana (John 2:1-12)
although though JESUS protested it was not yet time for miracles
successfully interceded with Him for a family’s temporal need
It wasn’t a matter of life or death, just the desire to protect the wedding hosts from embaressment.
He loves her so much, that he put aside His planned wait, in order to grant the needed miracle.
This biblical precedent assure us that Catholics are not mistaken in asking Mary’s intercession. WE have Jesus mandate to do so.

God bless and guide you and your husbnd on your spiritual journey.

If we regard her as Mother, while He gave us His heavenly Father as our Father,
from the Cross just before He died He gave His mother to the one of the twelve who stood by him, the right to see and care for His beloved mother as his, John’s son.
 
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I’d call them out on their rubbish and then peace out.

If you let them know how you feel, it will give you closure. They need to know that this kind of behavior is not Christian.
 
There have been several such betrayals in my own life. I realized then that they weren’t really my friend. It is difficult to get insight into what others are like, I realized.
Whether you could speak to this person is a matter of discernment. You could pray about what to do, or not do. If you don’t think this person would listen, I don’t see any reason to talk with them about it.
 
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