Dealing with Cafeteria Catholic Family Members

[iamcatholic100]

I just read todays readings, and there is a wonderful mediation from word among us.com, which pertains to what we’re talking here.

Meditation: Isaiah 29:17-24

Those who err in spirit shall acquire understanding. (Isaiah 29:24)

Describing the longed-for age of the Messiah, the prophet Isaiah conveys wonderful promises about what will happen when God finally brings his redemption. The deaf will hear, the blind will see, the poor will rejoice, and tyrants will be overthrown. Even the very landscape will be altered!

But among these grand promises is a more personal one that can touch each and every one of us today: the gift of understanding. And what a gift this is! We all know how easy it can be to “err in spirit,” to “find fault,” and to condemn someone “with a mere word” (Isaiah 29:24, 21). Judgmental behaviors like these involve “standing over” someone and looking down on him or her. As such, they are the direct opposite of understanding.

To understand is to “stand under.” It is to offer people our support and to look up to them with deep respect. Every person deserves to be treated this way, with respect and understanding, because everyone is made in the image of God. It may be hard to detect in some, but if we ask the Lord to open our eyes, we will be able to discern traces of God’s handiwork in even the most difficult people around us. And seeing them in this new light, we will understand them a little better.

Jesus demonstrates this kind of understanding in today’s Gospel as he heals two blind men. He waits until they enter the privacy of a house. He then speaks to them personally and acknowledges their faith. Then, having connected with them on a personal level, he meets their need.

Ask the Lord to point out one person today who needs your understanding. Take time in prayer to find in that person something you respect or admire. This deeper understanding may alter how, or even whether, you offer help. Perhaps all Jesus wants from you is a listening ear and a sympathetic heart. Perhaps instead of “doing something,” you will be led to stand back and simply “be” with that person. That kind of understanding, that kind of kinship, can transform both the other person and yourself!

“Jesus, thank you for understanding me, for supporting me, and for respecting me even when I fail to respect myself. Help me to extend that understanding to others.”

Psalm 27:1, 4, 13-14; Matthew 9:27-31

 

[josh987654321]

Here is the situation. I am a Catholic who is striving to grow in holiness by doing daily scripture readings, obeying the laws and teachings of the church, and daily prayer. However, I am having problems of telling other members of my family about certain actions being gravelly sinful (masturbation, drunkenness) as taught by the church, because they don’t view these acts as being sinful at all.

Let me give you one example of this scenario of mine. This past summer, I was playing cards with my family, and my brother happened to buy us some liquor bottles (mango flavored rum being one of them). After about three shots of rum, I told my mom that this was enough for me. Then my dad said that it is not a sin to get drunk. Then I said yes it was. After I said that, both my parents and older brother looked at me in disbelief. My dad then went to explain to me that Jesus served wine at the wedding at Cana and that people definitely got drunk there. I got a little ticked off inside after he said that, then grabbed one of the cards in the deck in an angry manner ( we were playing rum 500). Afterwards, everyone’s mood changed quickly, and my Mom yelled at me saying, “Look Mr Holier than thou, you do things that are sinful too, such as what you did just now, HYPOCRITE”. This latter led me knock my glass off the table onto the ground (Thank God this didn’t break). Then my mom said, I don’t remember exactly what she said, but it was something along the lines of “You’re not a very respectful person, specifically around people who gamble, smoke, swear, drink, etc.” which did have some truth. So, overall it turned out to be a very unsatisfying evening for me.

Now, I know that the manner in which I responded was the wrong way to deal with things like this, and I apologize for doing it. But if a thing like this happens next time, what would be the right way to explain and articulate to my other family members (and other people in my daily life and in the future, be it friends, other family members, acquaintances, co workers, and strangers) that certain actions go against the natural order of things, and how can I do it in a way that is not Holier than Thou, impulsive, disrespectful and not just because “The Church says So!!!”

I’ve also confessed this to a priest a few weeks later, but he didn’t give me a very good answer. So, I would appreciate any answers and advice from you guys. Thank you all for taking the time to read this post and give your answers.

Best rule of thumb I believe, is people like to be shown and not told.

Id say it all went sour when you responded angrily, the style, manner and level in which you engage people will determine how they reposnd to you. May I ask why you got angry? I would have just made a small joke of it and said something like “Yea, I remember Jesus got blind drunk at that wedding, it was one of his teachings, remember the one? Blessed are the pisspots (slang for drunks) for they shall inherit the floor?” lol

Thank you for reading
Josh

 

[iamcatholic100]

From what you said, the family are partyers, and you are rain on their parade.
They could care less about what you want if it goes against the party creed.
You will get banged down every time you try to break up their party ways.

I don’t believe that is the time or the place, when they are drinking heavily.

What you might do is challenge them on health issues. Lots of those you could bring up. I don’t think that they could “gain say” you on that. Just tell them you hate to see them wreck their lives by cancer and ulcers. And just say that you aren’t going down that route.

If you mention sin they will just throw up all over you.

May God bless and keep you. May God’s face shine on you. May God be kind to you and give you peace.

I should have mentioned that my family members are not hardcore partyers. In fact, they don’t get drunk all the time. They know when to stop and so forth. Its just their views and opinions on drunkedness that was the issue.

 

[iamcatholic100]

Best rule of thumb I believe, is people like to be shown and not told.

Id say it all went sour when you responded angrily, the style, manner and level in which you engage people will determine how they reposnd to you. May I ask why you got angry? I would have just made a small joke of it and said something like “Yea, I remember Jesus got blind drunk at that wedding, it was one of his teachings, remember the one? Blessed are the pisspots (slang for drunks) for they shall inherit the floor?” lol

Thank you for reading
Josh

Another good one could be “Blessed is the puke from the drunkards, for it shall inherit the toilet”:clapping:

 

[Demetra2]

Parents tend to resent having their child give them a “correction” even if it is justified. In this case actions speak louder than words. They already know your position and they resent and reject it so instead just pray for them. Politely refuse to take part in any of their activities that you don’t feel good about. Instead be the best person that you can be and help out your mom whenever possible. Be patient with them and model good behavior but don’t give advice unless asked. And if you are not living on your own yet make plans to do so and get involved with a Catholic young adult group where you can meet people of like mind.

 

[iamcatholic100]

Of course, another thing I would like to bring is that each one of my family members do not believe masturbation is a mortal sin, and that according to them mortal sins are only things like murder, theft, adultery, etc., but not masturbation. This is a sin that I have caved into yesterday, and haven’t been to confession in about a month. I know the three conditions for a sin to be mortal and know that masturbation is a serious sin if done under those conditions. Well, I can only speak for myself in saying that I deliberately committed that sin and knew it was mortal, but caved under the pressure from the temptations.

I really want to explain to my family members the reason why masturbation is a sin and that it is sin that needs to be confessed, Just a few minutes ago, I told them that I wanted to go to confession since my parish is having it from 6 PM to 9 PM tonight. They then asked me why I needed to go to confession, “You don’t commit any mortal sins”, my dad said. Then I told him that I probably committed one yesterday, and he kind of figured out the act that I did yesterday and said, “You don’t need to confess that, that is not a mortal sin”.

So as you can see, every time I tell them that I going to do something confession related, they draw their guard up. I tried evangelizing to them in regards to this subject matter before, but, again, they draw there guard with things like “You are at that age dear where it is normal and therefore not serious” and so forth. It came to a point where whenever they draw their guard up, I practically give up trying because I don’t want to end up getting confrontational, and I’m not a fan of confrontation.

So, what would be the best way to explain to my family members the no holds barred truths of the Catholic Church, especially in regards to sexual matters?

Any answers would be appreciated. Thank you.

 

[vsedriver]

So, what would be the best way to explain to my family members the no holds barred truths of the Catholic Church, especially in regards to sexual matters?

Any answers would be appreciated. Thank you.

first, keep your personal life private. You don’t need to share that with family.

If you mention that you need to go to confession and they ask why, say it is for the grace and spiritual healing that the sacrament imparts.

second, stop worrying about your family’s religious views. Lead the life of a good Catholic Christian and your example will make more of an impact than all the explanations of Catholic Dogma or the CCC rolled into one.

the less judgmental you are the more relaxed and interested they will be. Their souls are in God’s hands, not yours.

 

[Maine52]

Of course, another thing I would like to bring is that each one of my family members do not believe masturbation is a mortal sin, and that according to them mortal sins are only things like murder, theft, adultery, etc., but not masturbation. This is a sin that I have caved into yesterday, and haven’t been to confession in about a month. I know the three conditions for a sin to be mortal and know that masturbation is a serious sin if done under those conditions. Well, I can only speak for myself in saying that I deliberately committed that sin and knew it was mortal, but caved under the pressure from the temptations.

I really want to explain to my family members the reason why masturbation is a sin and that it is sin that needs to be confessed, Just a few minutes ago, I told them that I wanted to go to confession since my parish is having it from 6 PM to 9 PM tonight. They then asked me why I needed to go to confession, “You don’t commit any mortal sins”, my dad said. Then I told him that I probably committed one yesterday, and he kind of figured out the act that I did yesterday and said, “You don’t need to confess that, that is not a mortal sin”.

So as you can see, every time I tell them that I going to do something confession related, they draw their guard up. I tried evangelizing to them in regards to this subject matter before, but, again, they draw there guard with things like “You are at that age dear where it is normal and therefore not serious” and so forth. It came to a point where whenever they draw their guard up, I practically give up trying because I don’t want to end up getting confrontational, and I’m not a fan of confrontation.

So, what would be the best way to explain to my family members the no holds barred truths of the Catholic Church, especially in regards to sexual matters?

Any answers would be appreciated. Thank you.

IMHO, you are making this more than it is. You don’t have to announce when you are going to confession, and you most certainly don’t have to tell them what sins you committed that you are going to confess. Priests are bound under the seal of confession for a reason. Just go and don’t even mention it to them. At this point, it’s not worth stirring up an argument about.

As far as trying to teach them the faith, they won’t listen to anything they don’t want to hear. Heck, some people didn’t listen to Jesus - why would they listen to anyone else? Trying to stuff religion down people’s throats just drives them further away. Lead a good Catholic life and they will hopefully follow your example. God bless.

 

[mek42]

I agree with the folks reminding you not to be your brother’s keeper. Are you able to get yourself to Confession without the involvement of your family? If so, maybe just say you’re going out for a bit.

The scenario you discussed in the OP, you need to realize when you start getting angry and reign it in. Learn how to be the first one to say, Let’s agree to disagree. Perhaps you owe your family an apology for acting in anger.

Lastly, my understanding of the connotation of ‘Cafeteria Catholic’ is that it is a pejorative term disrespecting practicing, yet non-devout, Catholics. Be sure of your motives when you use this term to describe your family lest you begin to dishonor them.

 

[Cricket2]

Of course, another thing I would like to bring is that each one of my family members do not believe masturbation is a mortal sin, and that according to them mortal sins are only things like murder, theft, adultery, etc., but not masturbation. This is a sin that I have caved into yesterday, and haven’t been to confession in about a month. I know the three conditions for a sin to be mortal and know that masturbation is a serious sin if done under those conditions. Well, I can only speak for myself in saying that I deliberately committed that sin and knew it was mortal, but caved under the pressure from the temptations.

I really want to explain to my family members the reason why masturbation is a sin and that it is sin that needs to be confessed, Just a few minutes ago, I told them that I wanted to go to confession since my parish is having it from 6 PM to 9 PM tonight. They then asked me why I needed to go to confession, “You don’t commit any mortal sins”, my dad said. Then I told him that I probably committed one yesterday, and he kind of figured out the act that I did yesterday and said, “You don’t need to confess that, that is not a mortal sin”.

So as you can see, every time I tell them that I going to do something confession related, they draw their guard up. I tried evangelizing to them in regards to this subject matter before, but, again, they draw there guard with things like “You are at that age dear where it is normal and therefore not serious” and so forth. It came to a point where whenever they draw their guard up, I practically give up trying because I don’t want to end up getting confrontational, and I’m not a fan of confrontation.

So, what would be the best way to explain to my family members the no holds barred truths of the Catholic Church, especially in regards to sexual matters?

Any answers would be appreciated. Thank you.

As far as confession, please remember you don’t have to commit a mortal sin in order to have the need to confess. All sins need confessed and all of us sin. It might be a problem with anger, or feeling jealous, worrying instead of trusting God, a bit of road rage and being a gossip. In other words, examine your conscience each day and review how you acted during the day. You might be surprised at all the little sins that are revealed.

One time I was angry but really didn’t know why, but when I reflected on this with scripture I really discovered a bit of jealousy over a situation at home. Then I thought about what causes jealousy a little more, and realized that is rooted in coveting something someone else has. In this case it was a talent they had that was better than mine. So, this is just an example.

You don’t need to explain your need to confess to your family, only the reality that we all sin and should take part in this sacrament. Not only are we forgiven but it gives us reason and opportunity to reflect on how we are living our lives in the light of the Church’s teaching. We become better Christians if we are more involved in this sacrament in a truthful way. It is also healing.

I suggest you pray for your family, make improvements you need to make and keep your discussion more general and less personal. It take time, sometimes years for people to see the light. Gentle approaches can work wonders.

 

[Demetra2]

To the OP: Continue to go to confession whenever you slip up. And you are absolutely correct that your action was a mortal sin. You know it and God knows it and He is very pleased when you reach out to Him through confession. More importantly it will give you strength to overcome this. It really doesn’t matter if your family does not agree with you. You can’t control them or their actions. Just pray for them. And tell them that your reasons for confessing are a private matter. If they guess and make comments justifying that sin you are not required to reveal to them your reason for wanting to go to confession. It may be that some members of your family are guilty of this sin also and would prefer to keep that activity “sinless”. When you state the truth of this particular sin it makes them feel uncomfortable. The truth hurts. Bravo to you for embracing truth!

 

[djames99]

You may consider staying away from the drinking for a while.

It’s the circumstances. In a drinking environment trying to win an argument on a topic of religion has a slim chance. Just walk away.

It hurts because the answers may critique a person’s behavior at a time when the person does not have full control of his faculties. I think you should pray fervently to St. Monica and take up a devotion to the rosary and don’t talk about religion. It is when the Holy Spirit finds the time appropriate then you will be approached for such peaceful discussions, it will come to you. Right now it’s the devil in control.(I’m surprised at your mom’s reaction though).

 

[iamcatholic100]

Thanks again for the responses . I think the real reason why they have these views regarding drinking, masturbation is because they are lacking a good examination of conscience. That being said, I brought home from confession yesterday a paper entitled “Examination of Conscience” that lists the ten commandments, as well of self examination questions under each commandments. Hope this helps them out. I will continue praying for them.

 

[AClaire11]

Pointing out other people’s sins is usually not the best way to get them to change. We all become resentful and defensive when people disagree with us. (Just as you did when your dad disagreed with you.)

However, you should continue to act according to your faith but not be argumentitive.I’m suprised your dad was encouraging you to get drunk, it was right for you to not continue drinking, You didn’t need to get into the aspect of sinfulness though. Simply say, “I’ve had enough now, I’m switching to soda/water.”

At another time, if someone specifically asks “Hey why don’t you do X like you used to/like we all do?” You can say, “I’m happy without it. I find much more fulfillment with my faith, than with drink/partying.” If you *are *happy. If they can see that you are more content or less stressful, they will begin to understand.

Let’s be fair to the OP. He wasn’t the one who brought up sin in the first place. He just said “that’s enough for me,” and his family told him that getting drunk is not sinful. He did not instigate and scold them for drinking.

A lot of posts have said that he was wrong for telling them they were sinning, as if he just took one look at the liquor and flipped the table or something. THEY brought it up. If someone else starts a conversation about sin, and is promulgating false ideas, I would feel bound to correct them, just as the OP did.

 

[Miserissima]

Posters have said it in less words than this: don’t argue while drinking, period.

Drinking lowers inhibitions to speak freely, emotionally.

If it ever comes up again that you are a hypocrite, the, best response is that the Church is a hospital for singers, not a refuge for saints. But again, only when sober, ok?

 

[spunjalebi]

Let’s be fair to the OP. He wasn’t the one who brought up sin in the first place. He just said “that’s enough for me,” and his family told him that getting drunk is not sinful. He did not instigate and scold them for drinking.

A lot of posts have said that he was wrong for telling them they were sinning, as if he just took one look at the liquor and flipped the table or something. THEY brought it up. If someone else starts a conversation about sin, and is promulgating false ideas, I would feel bound to correct them, just as the OP did.

I experience similar things, too. I don’t think it’s charitable to go around telling people they did this sin and that so why would I want someone to tell that to me? I’m the type of person who can say, “Oh, I’m not having any drinks today,” but it’s other people who decide to take it personally. It was his family that took offense even though he said it was enough FOR HIM. In no way did he say his family needed to stop and they were out of control.

If this was a different situation-- such as the OP talking about food, would it still be judgemental? If the OP told his family, “Oh, I’m full now thank you,” and they took offense is it the same? Why would it be different because it’s alcohol? Food and alcohol are both consumed, so why is it okay to set a limit on one but not the other?