Dealing with Gossip

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****Easter family gathering is over and I thought I dodged a bullet with my in-laws. My MIL gossips about people she is displeased with… mostly me and son in law.
I over hear some of her talk. My 2 SILs try to bait me with questions so they can have a big gossip sessions about my answers. SILs are generally hostile to me but don’t hate me enough to stay away. The 3 together really seem to enjoy tearing me down.

I have decided I can not fix this so I am dealing with it by not inviting the two SILs to my home anymore. Now MIL tells my husband that SIL # 1 is upset that she wasn’t invited for Easter. Did I mention that she is Jewish? Did I mention that she has never invited me to any of her dinners in years? My MIL is also Jewish but because my husband wants to include her in our lives I have agreed to invite her. I know she will relay the whole day to both SILs with any juicy details she can add. Funny but I always thought it good form not talk about a party to someone when you know they weren’t invited it avoids hurt feelings.

When DH told me MIL what told him about SIL being upset, I told him I can solve the problem by not inviting MIL to Easter anymore either.

Anybody have any creative perhaps more holy suggestions to solve my dilemma and still keep peace?
 
Do not engage in such conversations. If SIL baits you, change the subject completely. Same with MIL.
 
Are you talking about simple gossip (Did you hear, Sally and Frank bought that cute three bedroom house over on Elm street? Johnny got a new job and Peggy Sue has lost 17 lbs!)

This is not a grave sin, it may be annoying, but, it is not something to cause family war over.

Now, if they are committing a grave sin, indulging in detraction or rash judgement or calumny, simply avoid the conversation. Walk out of the room if it starts.

From the Catechism

**2477 **Respect for the reputation of persons forbids every attitude and word likely to cause them unjust injury. He becomes guilty:
  • of rash judgment who, even tacitly, assumes as true, without sufficient foundation, the moral fault of a neighbor;
  • of *detraction *who, without objectively valid reason, discloses another’s faults and failings to persons who did not know them; - of *calumny *who, by remarks contrary to the truth, harms the reputation of others and gives occasion for false judgments concerning them.
 
One of the best ways to extinguish undesirable behavior is to ignore it, or on the lighter side, talk about the Cubs.
 
Agree! Making what they say into a joke can quickly take the wind out of the sails -
 
Yecch…I’m so sorry. Families can be very trying, can’t they? Your post didn’t say, but have you tried talking to your mother in law about this?
 
My MIL had the best come backs for situations like these. She would simply say, “This conversation makes me wonder what you say about me when I’m not there to defend myself”. Then she’d just raise her eyebrows and walk away. Always shut the room up. 😉

Steph
 
Irish_Girl_68 said:
Your post didn’t say, but have you tried talking to your mother in law about this?
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I wish I could but I don’t think she would even understand that this kind of sharing of other peoples personal information is wrong. Especially, when it puts them in a bad light. I don’t like hearing about how BIL isn’t a good husband for her daughter. Frankly, it’s none of my business and I don’t have the kind of relationship with her daughter that being told such information would benefit her daughter or her marriage in any way. And I don’t think MIL has any intention of helping her daughter or her marriage with this kind of talk.

I guess if MIL was really worried and she felt she needed a confident I could understand her behavior, but I don’t think MIL even likes me much(remember she gossips about me too)so why would she confide in me?

The bottom line is I see my MIL as a person to be wary of because she has a way of sweetly drawing people in, then filling them with her own version of the truth.

I am starting a new relationship with my grown son’s first serious girlfriend and this is very difficult because MIL has already latched on to the girl because the girl is Jewish too. And my gut says this can’t be good.

Am I wrong to want to exclude MIL from my family gatherings at least until I have a chance to share myself and my Catholic Faith with this new person without my MIL giving the girl her opinion of my old fashioned crazy catholic ideas.

I have always had a division with MIL, I don’t want a division with any future DILs.
 
I’m sure it’s not worst than what my mom did to us. I had enough sense to stay away from my own mother with she carried on about us. In fact, her reputation preceded her even at her own funeral. The preacher put on the best hellfire and brimstone sermon I’ve ever heard all about real facts told to him after she died. The sad part is that it was all true and though watered down really showed the type of person she really was. It’s now a nightmare memory because it makes me wonder about her salvation after living such a hateful life. Both my wife’s family and my mom’s family are huge Protestants in their community and after we converted to Catholicism we found our self being the brunt of some of the worst gossip I’ve heard in a long while.

Best course of action is to laugh, ignore and pray. I hope your husband is not one of those goofy guys that doesn’t get the fact his wife comes first now.
 
eucharisteo said:
I’m sure it’s not worst than what my mom did to us. I had enough sense to stay away from my own mother with she carried on about us. In fact, her reputation preceded her even at her own funeral. The preacher put on the best hellfire and brimstone sermon I’ve ever heard all about real facts told to him after she died. The sad part is that it was all true and though watered down really showed the type of person she really was. It’s now a nightmare memory because it makes me wonder about her salvation after living such a hateful life. Both my wife’s family and my mom’s family are huge Protestants in their community and after we converted to Catholicism we found our self being the brunt of some of the worst gossip I’ve heard in a long while.

Best course of action is to laugh, ignore and pray. I hope your husband is not one of those goofy guys that doesn’t get the fact his wife comes first now.
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It’s just so sad when families can’t get along. I really feel for the situations expressed. My own sister, while not a gossip, is one of the most selfish, manipulative adults I’ve ever met. She simply doesn’t care about anyone but herself. Any attempt to question her is met with a raised voice and a snotty attitude. It makes having any type of meaningful realtionship with her nearly impossible. I feel guilty about that, but at the same time, who wants to be close to someone like that? So, M Crane, I’ll advise you to do as I do: Just endure it quietly. I’d definitely do all I could to distance myself from MIL, but I wouldn’t entirely cut her out. Believe me, it WILL be turned back on you and you’ll be made out as the bad guy. As manipulative as MIL sounds, she likely wouldn’t have a problem putting a wedge between you and your husband. Beyond which, she’ll enjoy the “martyr” status it would give her. If I were you, I wouldn’t allow her the satisfaction. I would, however, keep conversations very generic. Treat her only as an acquaintance rather than family. It isn’t meant to be cruel. You sound like a kind person; it’s a shame you have to put up with this. You do, however, need to keep peace with your husband and your marriage protected. Good luck, I’ll pray for you 🙂
 
m_crane said:
****Easter family gathering is over and I thought I dodged a bullet with my in-laws. My MIL gossips about people she is displeased with… mostly me and son in law.
I over hear some of her talk. My 2 SILs try to bait me with questions so they can have a big gossip sessions about my answers. SILs are generally hostile to me but don’t hate me enough to stay away. The 3 together really seem to enjoy tearing me down.

I have decided I can not fix this so I am dealing with it by not inviting the two SILs to my home anymore. Now MIL tells my husband that SIL # 1 is upset that she wasn’t invited for Easter. Did I mention that she is Jewish? Did I mention that she has never invited me to any of her dinners in years? My MIL is also Jewish but because my husband wants to include her in our lives I have agreed to invite her. I know she will relay the whole day to both SILs with any juicy details she can add. Funny but I always thought it good form not talk about a party to someone when you know they weren’t invited it avoids hurt feelings.

When DH told me MIL what told him about SIL being upset, I told him I can solve the problem by not inviting MIL to Easter anymore either.

Anybody have any creative perhaps more holy suggestions to solve my dilemma and still keep peace?
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Are your inlaws and mine related? I only have one SIL, though, thank God.

How much are you and your husband on the same page? That makes a huge difference in how you approach this situation.

For anyone else that gets along with their inlaws, it is extremely exhausting to be the object of ridicule and gossip. And humor works SOME of the time, not all. Its hard being the constant punching bag.

My husband just got tired of it all, and we see his family infrequently. The mind games just get to be too much and the constant undermining of our marriage was more than he or I could take.
 
Irish_Girl_68 said:
It’s just so sad when families can’t get along. I really feel for the situations expressed. My own sister, while not a gossip, is one of the most selfish, manipulative adults I’ve ever met. She simply doesn’t care about anyone but herself. Any attempt to question her is met with a raised voice and a snotty attitude. It makes having any type of meaningful realtionship with her nearly impossible. I feel guilty about that, but at the same time, who wants to be close to someone like that? So, M Crane, I’ll advise you to do as I do: Just endure it quietly. I’d definitely do all I could to distance myself from MIL, but I wouldn’t entirely cut her out. Believe me, it WILL be turned back on you and you’ll be made out as the bad guy. As manipulative as MIL sounds, she likely wouldn’t have a problem putting a wedge between you and your husband. Beyond which, she’ll enjoy the “martyr” status it would give her. If I were you, I wouldn’t allow her the satisfaction. I would, however, keep conversations very generic. Treat her only as an acquaintance rather than family. It isn’t meant to be cruel. You sound like a kind person; it’s a shame you have to put up with this. You do, however, need to keep peace with your husband and your marriage protected. Good luck, I’ll pray for you 🙂
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I had not choice but to distance myself from my mom’s family growing up. Now that we’ve converted to Catholicism we find that we’re having to keep a “safe distance” from the anti-Catholic gossip about everything being blown out of context. My wife’s family is still by far the best, several preachers, deacons and elders. But most of them are still civil. Mom’s family on the other hand is another story. I keep a safe distance from the throwing knives for the back as you walk out of the room.

I prayed for the deaths of mom if she did not convert. Shortly after she was diagnosed with lung cancer. I also prayed for the death or conversion of my brother and father who also died shortly after. I didn’t want them dead, just to stop hurting because the pain became to great to bear. I was on the verge of a major break down as well because the love of Christ captured my heart. I felt so bad for such a long time, blamed myself for their deaths. I just couldn’t bear it anymore and wanted to die it was so painful. Whether God did this or not is beyond me, but it does seem that God hears my prayers and delivers me from those that put me under so bad. Because of these seemingly answered prayers I’ve learned to be careful for what I pray for so as not to see my enemies fall in such ways. I pray for conversions instead. That was the only time in my life I prayed for such a thing and have repented from it. So don’t let yourself get to that for your family’s sake…not to mention you.
 
m_crane said:
Anybody have any creative perhaps more holy suggestions to solve my dilemma and still keep peace?
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My suggestion is that your HUSBAND get a backbone and lay down the law to his hateful mother and sisters.

He needs to defend you and your home, set the boundaries, and be the “bad guy” who enforced them when his family misbehaves.

He has wrongly put all this on you. Shame on him.
 
If your husband and you start tactfully teaching them morality - in this case I would suggest from the Old Testament as two of the people involved are Jewish - then one of two things will happen: they will either become more acutely aware of their own behavior or they will disinvite themselves. Either way your problem gets solved all while you get to study the Old Testament.
 
Irish_Girl_68 said:
I would, however, keep conversations very generic. Treat her only as an acquaintance rather than family. I
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I am very selective about what I say to her. One time I over heard her talking to my cousin about me, She said, “Oh, she never tells me anything”

I am very sorry to hear about you sister. I’ll pray about you sister too.
 
m_crane said:
It took 28 years of marriage for him to get it, but I think he getting there.
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My dh got it right off the bat and stopped all contact until they learned to treat me with respect. It was funny - they were down for Easter and my stepdaughter who lives with her grandparents, my in-laws went to reach for the beer to bring her dad and granddad after I asked them if they wanted one. I told her no, that in my house children did not drink or handle alcohol. Her grandmother went to open her mouth and argue - got a look from her son, my husband, and shut it. My stepdaughter said OK. I understand. Boundaries are tough but like my own father said as long as two people understand it you two verses the world it will work out.
 
1ke said:
My suggestion is that your HUSBAND get a backbone and lay down the law to his hateful mother and sisters.

He needs to defend you and your home, set the boundaries, and be the “bad guy” who enforced them when his family misbehaves.

He has wrongly put all this on you. Shame on him.
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👍

My defense of my wife cost me an inheritance and a relationship with my mom and dad and brothers. So now we struggle financially because I never finished the level of school I needed to get where I was headed because of the deep pain it cost me. The price I paid for peace was great. I felt like I was going to die any moment. But my wife appreciates me for it all. I believe this is why she converted to Catholicism. I loved her the best I could by defending her even to the point of nearly a brawl with a brother that called her a b__ch just because he didn’t like something she said or did. Mom told her [my wife] in a private conversation that if I’d stand up to her the way I did her [mom] just think what he’ll do to you [my wife]. That was not only out of line but way way incorrect. We stopped talking after for a year, ended up having our first baby and I called her to tell her, but didn’t get into anything else. I did it out of respect for my mom. During all of that my younger brother kept telling me “dude she’s your mom, she’s your elder”. I told her that she is not my preacher or my bishop.

BTW: My playboy brother that inherited it all is so lost because mom never taught him anything in depth about God. It’s very sad. My older brother hung himself after being led to believe in the lies of this world - hung on shallow behavior. He visited mom’s family but since he never really believed in the teachings of Christ none of it seemed to stick. He died feeling hopeless. [Telling personal stories is how I choose to teach. See how families can hurt each other. Try to understand the dynamics and then take steps to avoid those things that cause it. ]

I think you and your husband need therapy to teach him how to “be a man”. There is a new book out that is written by a priest that includes this idea in the title. I don’t know the contents not having read it yet. But it sounds like he too is trying to teach me how to be real men…Ephesian 5 men. Is your husband Jewish, or did I miss that in your posts?
 
Have you tried showering her with love and acceptance?

Perhaps she just needs someone to love her.

Also, get some of Rosalind Moss’s (and her brother, his name escapes me) works. They are Jewish converts to Catholicism.
 
PatriceA said:
Are your inlaws and mine related? I only have one SIL, though, thank God. We could be !
How much are you and your husband on the same page? That makes a huge difference in how you approach this situation. My husband is very passive. I’ve seen him take some serious abuse from snotty aquaintances and rude family and it just rolls off.

For anyone else that gets along with their inlaws, it is extremely exhausting to be the object of ridicule and gossip. And humor works SOME of the time, not all. Its hard being the constant punching bag. I’m always walking on egg shells.
My husband just got tired of it all, and we see his family infrequently. The mind games just get to be too much and the constant undermining of our marriage was more than he or I could take.
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Good !
 
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