Dealing with Husband's Past

[bmaj]

GraceDK - I appreciate your posts and I am not at all offended. I think you brought up a good point. Not that you are suggesting this, but I am not a fan of “taking the easy way out.” I know my husband is not a saint, and I know that sweet talk is not a good foundation for trust. However, he has proven himself in other areas of our marriage. He is very good at helping with the housework, and as I am in school right now, he is the sole provider for the two of us and makes no complaints about that. He constantly surprises me with dinner and small gifts. I think that the fact that he is so caring in other ways is what made this act such a blow.

I have written to our tribunal not for an annullment assessment, but to ask for help and guidance through the church. You are right, this is a very degrading situation and I don’t wish it on anyone. I hope that we never have to go through it again.

Everyone’s posts are very much appreciated. Thank you all so much! I can feel the healing already taking place just through this discussion.

I am also very saddened to hear what you’re going through in your marriage, especially since this issue has been a very large problem for my husband as well. The local Catholic Charities office in your area should be able to assist you with recommending a Catholic (or at minimum Christian) counselor for yourself or both of you, if your husband will go. If he won’t, please try to go yourself anyway. Your parish priest does not need to even know about it if you are too embarrassed to speak with him. Counseling will likely help you tremendously, as it did me. I believe some of the counselors referred by Catholic Charities charge on a sliding scale according to income or by a small co-pay of around $20 for each of the first several counseling sessions. Usually well worth every penny.

It might also help you to join the support group here at CAF called “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity.” It deals specifically with this issue and might be an additional beneficial resource for you to help get you through all of this.

My prayers are with you, and as so many have said here, please know that it’s definitely not YOUR fault your husband is doing or has done this. May Our Dear Lord be right by your side always.

 

[Charla80]

Hi RTRT,

Another member recommended Al-Anon. I started attending years ago for exactly what you’re going through. Yes, it is a mixed bag, but as long as it’s a “healthy” meeting, it can be extremely helpful. I would like to also recommend S-Anon. It’s for friends and family of sex addicts (which includes pornography addiction). There are online discussion groups available if there are no local meetings.

Your post reminds me so much of myself! If it helps, it’s been almost four years since my husband has “slipped”, and we are in a very happy marriage. It is possible to get past this kind of thing!

 

[RTRT88]

Thank you for all your advice everyone! I have another question. I was thinking about this last night how I am trying to get over this issue, and all my husband has done is stopped looking. I think that he thinks he is “cured” by simply stopping. In my opinion, there are obviously other issues that go along with it. He thinks that we need to get over it separately so that we can be happy together again. I think that while we both need to heal in our own separate ways, we are a married couple - “one flesh” - and need to overcome this as such. Overcome it together and heal together. Yet he won’t even talk to me about the situation because I think he is still so angry at himself. Any advice on getting him to join me in talking about it and moving forward instead of trying to battle this on our own?

 

[estesbob]

Thank you for all your advice everyone! I have another question. I was thinking about this last night how I am trying to get over this issue, and all my husband has done is stopped looking. I think that he thinks he is “cured” by simply stopping. In my opinion, there are obviously other issues that go along with it. He thinks that we need to get over it separately so that we can be happy together again. I think that while we both need to heal in our own separate ways, we are a married couple - “one flesh” - and need to overcome this as such. Overcome it together and heal together. Yet he won’t even talk to me about the situation because I think he is still so angry at himself. Any advice on getting him to join me in talking about it and moving forward instead of trying to battle this on our own?

I am not exactly sure what it is you want him to do now? He said he is sorry and he said he will not do it anymore . What else do you want?

 

[whm]

Thank you for all your advice everyone! I have another question. I was thinking about this last night how I am trying to get over this issue, and all my husband has done is stopped looking. I think that he thinks he is “cured” by simply stopping. In my opinion, there are obviously other issues that go along with it. He thinks that we need to get over it separately so that we can be happy together again. I think that while we both need to heal in our own separate ways, we are a married couple - “one flesh” - and need to overcome this as such. Overcome it together and heal together. Yet he won’t even talk to me about the situation because I think he is still so angry at himself. Any advice on getting him to join me in talking about it and moving forward instead of trying to battle this on our own?

Show him that you love him. Encourage him when he does loving things for you. You want to build trust in him, he wants to know that you can still love him. Be thankful that things are moving in the right direction.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank you for all your advice everyone! I have another question. I was thinking about this last night how I am trying to get over this issue, and all my husband has done is stopped looking. I think that he thinks he is “cured” by simply stopping. In my opinion, there are obviously other issues that go along with it. He thinks that we need to get over it separately so that we can be happy together again. I think that while we both need to heal in our own separate ways, we are a married couple - “one flesh” - and need to overcome this as such. Overcome it together and heal together. Yet he won’t even talk to me about the situation because I think he is still so angry at himself. Any advice on getting him to join me in talking about it and moving forward instead of trying to battle this on our own?

This is the difference between men and women. We think everyone should want to talk about everything that happens. Men are not like that. Especially about something like porn, which is shameful. He is NOT going to want to talk to you, he’s afraid you are going to yell at him or punish him like you’re his mama. Maybe there are other issues in your marriage, but if he has really stopped looking at porn, that is a good thing and he should be proud of himself for that! Don’t nag him about it. Chances are really good that he will only clam up all the more. And you do NOT want to hear all the gory details, anyway.

 

[rayne89]

This is the difference between men and women. We think everyone should want to talk about everything that happens. Men are not like that. Especially about something like porn, which is shameful. He is NOT going to want to talk to you, he’s afraid you are going to yell at him or punish him like you’re his mama. Maybe there are other issues in your marriage, but if he has really stopped looking at porn, that is a good thing and he should be proud of himself for that! Don’t nag him about it. Chances are really good that he will only clam up all the more. And you do NOT want to hear all the gory details, anyway.

Agreed.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

This is the difference between men and women. We think everyone should want to talk about everything that happens. Men are not like that. Especially about something like porn, which is shameful. He is NOT going to want to talk to you, he’s afraid you are going to yell at him or punish him like you’re his mama. Maybe there are other issues in your marriage, but if he has really stopped looking at porn, that is a good thing and he should be proud of himself for that! Don’t nag him about it. Chances are really good that he will only clam up all the more. And you do NOT want to hear all the gory details, anyway.

If it’s still bothering her, causing her to feel bad about herself or not trust him, I think she should definitely still bring it up. Not nag or yell at him, but I think it’s absolutely beneficial for him to know just how deeply this hurt her and that it doesn’t go away as soon as he stops looking at porn. I guarantee that the images don’t instantly leave his head, and that the improper thoughts and tendencies he had while looking at the porn don’t go away just because he doesn’t look at it anymore. If he truly did stop, it’s going to take time for him to really put it behind him, just like it’s going to take time for him to rebuild her trust in him. If she’s going through a spell where this is still bothering her, she has every right to let him know–I’d even say she’s obligated to let him know. It might help keep him on the straight and narrow, and let him know that he has to help her get over it just as much as he needs her support.

 

[RTRT88]

I am not exactly sure what it is you want him to do now? He said he is sorry and he said he will not do it anymore . What else do you want?

It’s not that I necessarily want him to do anything but to help me through my healing. This isn’t something you just get over overnight. To me, this was adultery, and I have had that thought confirmed by a pastor and a priest in seminary that is also a close family member. I recently opened up to him about the situation to see if he could offer me some guidance. I know I shouldn’t continually nag my husband about my feelings, hence I joined this forum looking for some helpful advice, not criticism for my emotions.

 

[RTRT88]

Thank you for understanding, Gordon. As you mentioned, “the images just don’t automatically leave his head” - that is a big issue when we are trying to be intimate. By letting him know how I feel, I am putting myself in a vulnerable situation to try and keep the open lines of communication and honesty in our marriage.

 

[Mamanurse]

Thank you for understanding, Gordon. As you mentioned, “the images just don’t automatically leave his head” - that is a big issue when we are trying to be intimate. By letting him know how I feel, I am putting myself in a vulnerable situation to try and keep the open lines of communication and honesty in our marriage.

While I understand where you are coming from on your need to have open communication, I think continuing to let him know about how he hurt you is not going to encourage healing whatsoever. The only thing talking about his sin is going to do is cause more division and will continue to rip open a scab that is trying to heal. You want it to remain fresh in his head how much he hurt you, I get that, I went through this myself, but the only thing it will do in the end is push him further from you. How would you feel if you did something that offended your spouse and he continually brought it up on a regular basis? Not only would it make you feel pretty bad, it wouldn’t aid in the healing process at all. Like I said before, you need to unite your feelings of betrayal and sadness with our Lord. Your husband is trying to do the right thing, he has apologized…I don’t see the benefit, again, as I has learned myself, of bringing up your feelings on a regular basis.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

It’s not that I necessarily want him to do anything but to help me through my healing. This isn’t something you just get over overnight. To me, this was adultery, and I have had that thought confirmed by a pastor and a priest in seminary that is also a close family member. I recently opened up to him about the situation to see if he could offer me some guidance. I know I shouldn’t continually nag my husband about my feelings, hence I joined this forum looking for some helpful advice, not criticism for my emotions.

No one is criticizing you for your emotions. God knows we understand betrayal. It’s just that it’s not productive for YOU to hold this pain in your heart and keep reinforcing it to your husband. Is he going to respond in a positive way, or are you going to an empty well for water? If he was able to be that kind of man, he would already have done it. You continually bringing it up to him is not going to magically change him. If he’s not going to seek support, which a lot of men do not do, then he just wants to put it behind him. He may be kidding himself, but if you constantly bring it up, you’re going to end up being the bad guy in his mind.

I’m not saying any of this is right or honorable, but it happens. I have held onto pain from 10 years ago, and finally told my husband about my grudge. He did NOT apologize and I do not believe he feels bad in any way for having hurt me. I told him so I can let it go, because it’s hurting ME in the present. In fact, he actually questioned my memory. He’s defensive about anything I say - we’re not in a good place in our marriage anyway - and not likely to admit any wrongdoing whatsoever. I know he said what he said and it was at a time when I was at my most vulnerable, so it carried more weight then.

I need to get help to let that go. There have been other things that I have held onto. I am only saying that if your husband believes he can let go of the porn, and does not want to deal with anything else, he’s not going to sit and hold your hand as your work through your emotions. If he will go to counseling, bring it up with the counselor and maybe that authority figure can get him to recognize the harm it causes.

p.s. I still think the lying he did in the first place was the worse sin and undermined your marriage more than the actual porn. That was so deliberate. I hope he will go to counseling with you, because he has laid the foundation of your relationship on shifting sand.

 

[estesbob]

It’s not that I necessarily want him to do anything but to help me through my healing. This isn’t something you just get over overnight. To me, this was adultery, and I have had that thought confirmed by a pastor and a priest in seminary that is also a close family member. I recently opened up to him about the situation to see if he could offer me some guidance. I know I shouldn’t continually nag my husband about my feelings, hence I joined this forum looking for some helpful advice, not criticism for my emotions.

I understand the pain and sorrow you are going through. But I will tell you as a man that the odds that he is going to sit down with you and frankly discuss his viewing of pornography and what he was doing while he was viewing it are little or none. If he has indeed ceased viewing pornography and he has apologized I really don’t think you can expect much more.

My recommendation is that you pray and pray and pray, forgive forgive and forgive and let him prove to you that he really has this finding.

I am not criticizing your emotions. In my 25+ years in Alcoholics Anonymous I’ve always greatly resented when somebody told me when I just need to get over something-my emotions are my emotions and when one is hurt it is really not very helpful to tell them just to get over it. What helps me the most is keeping in mind first Peter 5:7 “Cast your worries upon the Lord, for he cares” Note it is not tell you to tell the Lord about your worries, the world is full of people to listen to your problems. It tells you to give them to him-he is the solution, he is the one that takes a worries and that hurts away.

 

[Always_For_Him]

How do you just give your worries over to the Lord? This has been something that I cannot do. I try, but then I find myself worrying about it or trying to control it again. How do you just REALLY give it to the Lord. I know He is the only one that can do anything about it anyway. But, knowing that and giving it completely over to Him is a different matter.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

How do you just give your worries over to the Lord? This has been something that I cannot do. I try, but then I find myself worrying about it or trying to control it again. How do you just REALLY give it to the Lord. I know He is the only one that can do anything about it anyway. But, knowing that and giving it completely over to Him is a different matter.

I will tell you how I do this. I do it one worry at a time. When something scary enters my head, like will my son, who is 17, has ADHD and is now taking driving lessons get into a fatal car accident or will he kill others by not paying enough attention as he drives, I just ask Jesus to remove my fear and worry. In the moment, I ask Jesus to step in and give me His peace and courage. I ask for help in living in the now instead of the wreckage of the future.

Long-term, I think going to daily Mass, adoration, confession as often as possible, helps me a tremendous amount. Using our sacraments gives us strength when we are weak.

Trusting the Lord’s power to help me is the main thing. When I think I have been running my life, I think back over events that I KNOW I didn’t control, how Jesus was walking with me and my guardian angel helped me too.

Whenever I need help, I say a small prayer like “Jesus, help me!” I have heard people even say something like “9-1-1!” a Jesus emergency, I guess…

 

[Hilio]

I have a good solutions for all you Catholics…

Vibrators for Xmas…

Always wanted to give them Out to tight asses…

That’s the gay way to go…
By the way two power tools in the bedroom are better thN one!

Gay men rule

 

[estesbob]

How do you just give your worries over to the Lord? This has been something that I cannot do. I try, but then I find myself worrying about it or trying to control it again. How do you just REALLY give it to the Lord. I know He is the only one that can do anything about it anyway. But, knowing that and giving it completely over to Him is a different matter.

Complete and total trust . And no it is not easy but does gets easier as time goes by. I have lived over a half cenry and the Lord has NEVER let me down. It is nicely summed up in one of those pithy AA sayings “Let go, let God”

 

[whm]

How do you just give your worries over to the Lord? This has been something that I cannot do. I try, but then I find myself worrying about it or trying to control it again. How do you just REALLY give it to the Lord. I know He is the only one that can do anything about it anyway. But, knowing that and giving it completely over to Him is a different matter.

I think it helps when you realize that we can all fall into sin if we don’t put our trust in the Lord. While one might fall into a relatively simple form of sin like lust, others might be tempted by unforgiveness, which is much more complex but can be every bit and dangerous.

There is a distinct difference between an ongoing sinful activity such as porn use by a loved one, which must be stopped and a past sin for which somebody is recovered/or actively recovering from. It can be difficult to change gears from attacking the sinful activity to forgiving the former sinner.

I know from my life that I’ve been wallowed in the idea that a grave sin was committed against me. It was completely unhelpful. When I got past that I was able to see that I have committed many bad sins in my life. I also realized that there were circumstances that I could not see that led to the other person sin (and mitigated it). I came to understand that I am “lucky” that I was not in the other persons shoes, because I might commit the same sin or worse. God’s grace keeps us from sin not our own merit. We must cooperate and seek God’s graces, but that makes us fortunate, the sinner is ultimately the one to be pitied they are living without God’s grace and searching for His love in the wrong places and receiving a damaging counterfeit.

I hope this helps, I know this is very very difficult to get over, you got the right idea, God is where your solution lies.

 

[Always_For_Him]

I think it helps when you realize that we can all fall into sin if we don’t put our trust in the Lord. While one might fall into a relatively simple form of sin like lust, others might be tempted by unforgiveness, which is much more complex but can be every bit and dangerous.

There is a distinct difference between an ongoing sinful activity such as porn use by a loved one, which must be stopped and a past sin for which somebody is recovered/or actively recovering from. It can be difficult to change gears from attacking the sinful activity to forgiving the former sinner.

I know from my life that I’ve been wallowed in the idea that a grave sin was committed against me. It was completely unhelpful. When I got past that I was able to see that I have committed many bad sins in my life. I also realized that there were circumstances that I could not see that led to the other person sin (and mitigated it). I came to understand that I am “lucky” that I was not in the other persons shoes, because I might commit the same sin or worse. God’s grace keeps us from sin not our own merit. We must cooperate and seek God’s graces, but that makes us fortunate, the sinner is ultimately the one to be pitied they are living without God’s grace and searching for His love in the wrong places and receiving a damaging counterfeit.

I hope this helps, I know this is very very difficult to get over, you got the right idea, God is where your solution lies.

Thank you for your kind response. You have made some great points. I am lucky that I haven’t turned to a whole host of addictions to cope with what I have been enduring my whole marriage. I held it in, only tried to talk to him about it (it was many, many different things, not just porn) didn’t talk to anyone up until a year-and-a-half ago or so. It was when I knew that I was going to run away or do something drastic that I opened up to a few people for advice. I have recently come here for more, because what I am faced with is unimaginable to me.

I am grateful that God’s grace has protected me from doing his same sinful behavior or worse. I also am recognizing that as I have been wollowing in how wrong what he has done has been to me, etc… I am actually committing sins in my reactions, withdrawal, etc… I am so upside down. It is very difficult to know where to begin.

You said, “When I got past that…” How did you get past it? I know it is different for everyone, but how did you begin? HOW?? It is very difficult when it has enveloped your whole life.

 

[ILoveRoses]

Oh I hope I’m not the bad guy here but here goes. You said before you were married he would “reassure” you that you were beautiful and smart and that he did not need to look at porn. Is it possible you had insecurities that caused him to feel like he could not tell you how he really felt about looking at porn and that he had to hide it in secret? I know you said he talked about the guys at work, but why was that an important conversation you remember? Did he know deep down this would happen if you found out? Maybe he is afraid to tell his true thoughts to you? Not that what he did is acceptable, but I think there might me more problems in your marriage than you realize. Considering suicide over this is such a strong statement, I’m very fearful for where you are at with your own body image and self-esteem?

You stated repeatedly that secrecy is the most important thing and that nobody is to know what happened. But yet when you found out by checking the computer, you said “I called him immediately for an explanation. He came home for a brief moment, and I couldn’t even listen to him. I stayed at my parents house for three days before even talking to my husband. My parents had absolutely no advice for me, and were as equally disappointed.” (emphasis added)

So you demanded an explanation, he rushed home, you refused to talk to him, and went to your parents house for 3 days and told them everything. In a later post you said he and your Father had become very good friends.

For the future, you really should not offer private information to your parents like that! You can get over things, but they never will, trust me! Don’t you remember when you were young and your girlfriend would complain about her boyfriend, and yet she’d take him back but you never forgot what he did?? And she never forgot what you said about him?? You will always regret telling your family private info like that, especially when you forgive and forget but they don’t!

I know you are still newly married, but I think that you may not have any open communication with your husband. Your later posts sound as if you completely shut him out. You said he leans over to hug you and you physically pull away from him. You aren’t even giving him a chance to prove to you he deserves forgiveness. You say he swears he stopped, but you don’t believe him and your marriage is slowly “dwindling away.” Don’t let it!! I’m not sure what he is supposed to do now?? It sounds like he is getting fed up with trying though.

How is he supposed to repair this? How is he supposed to say sorry and try to help you understand that you are still the one he comes home to, the one he sleeps next to, the one he tries to talk to and hug? It doesn’t sound like you are even allowing it. You speak of counseling, but secrecy is so important that it isn’t an option either.

You said you are changing your appearance to try to “please him” but then you push him away. That is very contradictory.

I’m not trying to take the side of someone who has done a reprehensible thing, but I feel sympathy for him. I think you need to seriously think of what he can do to help your marriage and give him the ability to follow your direction! I can see why he might be fed up and really confused as to what to do if you won’t even talk to him, but you admit to nagging him instead and constantly rehashing it without giving him a chance to prove to you he has changed.

Please pray for your marriage and for God’s intercession to show you the way. Pray for yourself as much as your husband. Ask for peace and for protection from Satan. Here you are in a new marriage and you are already being given advice to divorce Once again, Satan does his very best to destroy marriages You cannot fix your husband, but you can work on yourself and pray for God to help your husband find his way with his own serious problem. It is not your fault, not something you did, and not because of you, he has to come to his own realizations as to why he was viewing porn on the computer. Realize he married you because he LOVES you and he obviously wants to be with YOU!! Good luck!