K
kevinsgirl
Guest
I’m going to second all this.Oh I hope I’m not the bad guy here but here goes. You said before you were married he would “reassure” you that you were beautiful and smart and that he did not need to look at porn. Is it possible you had insecurities that caused him to feel like he could not tell you how he really felt about looking at porn and that he had to hide it in secret? I know you said he talked about the guys at work, but why was that an important conversation you remember? Did he know deep down this would happen if you found out? Maybe he is afraid to tell his true thoughts to you? Not that what he did is acceptable, but I think there might me more problems in your marriage than you realize. Considering suicide over this is such a strong statement, I’m very fearful for where you are at with your own body image and self-esteem?
You stated repeatedly that secrecy is the most important thing and that nobody is to know what happened. But yet when you found out by checking the computer, you said “I called him immediately for an explanation. He came home for a brief moment, and I couldn’t even listen to him. I stayed at my parents house for three days before even talking to my husband. My parents had absolutely no advice for me, and were as equally disappointed.” (emphasis added)
So you demanded an explanation, he rushed home, you refused to talk to him, and went to your parents house for 3 days and told them everything. In a later post you said he and your Father had become very good friends.
For the future, you really should not offer private information to your parents like that! You can get over things, but they never will, trust me! Don’t you remember when you were young and your girlfriend would complain about her boyfriend, and yet she’d take him back but you never forgot what he did?? And she never forgot what you said about him?? You will always regret telling your family private info like that, especially when you forgive and forget but they don’t!
I know you are still newly married, but I think that you may not have any open communication with your husband. Your later posts sound as if you completely shut him out. You said he leans over to hug you and you physically pull away from him. You aren’t even giving him a chance to prove to you he deserves forgiveness. You say he swears he stopped, but you don’t believe him and your marriage is slowly “dwindling away.” Don’t let it!! I’m not sure what he is supposed to do now?? It sounds like he is getting fed up with trying though.
How is he supposed to repair this? How is he supposed to say sorry and try to help you understand that you are still the one he comes home to, the one he sleeps next to, the one he tries to talk to and hug? It doesn’t sound like you are even allowing it. You speak of counseling, but secrecy is so important that it isn’t an option either.
You said you are changing your appearance to try to “please him” but then you push him away. That is very contradictory.
I’m not trying to take the side of someone who has done a reprehensible thing, but I feel sympathy for him. I think you need to seriously think of what he can do to help your marriage and give him the ability to follow your direction! I can see why he might be fed up and really confused as to what to do if you won’t even talk to him, but you admit to nagging him instead and constantly rehashing it without giving him a chance to prove to you he has changed.
Please pray for your marriage and for God’s intercession to show you the way. Pray for yourself as much as your husband. Ask for peace and for protection from Satan. Here you are in a new marriage and you are already being given advice to divorceOnce again, Satan does his very best to destroy marriages
Porn is horrible. It is wrong. Your husband needs to work on that.
But contemplating suicide because you found porn? Refusing to talk to a priest because it’s too private? Staying at your parent’s house and refusing to talk to your husband for 3 days? Telling your parents about your marriage problems but not telling a priest?
You both have a lot to work on. You both need to put your marriage first. You both need counseling and to see a priest–probably individually and together. You both need to be going to Mass. You both need to be praying about this.
Marriage takes a lot of work. It’s the work that makes you holier together.
Prayers,
KG
P.S. Your husband didn’t do porn because of something lacking about you. He did it because porn is something he does. Do not keep telling yourself that you need to change your body to be more of what he wants. He married what he wants…and that is you! From your original post, you seem to have a lot of body image issues and are feeding that with your husband’s porn problem. Try to stop linking the two. When you guys move forward from this, try to remember that a woman who knows she is beautiful and loves herself is much more attractive than a woman who is constantly worried about her self-image. It took me a long time to realize that, but when I did gain that confidence it was very freeing.
Just please know that this was a very very painful, surprising thing and that I am doing the very best I can.
Heart **of Jesus. . . and who treat our Saviour as a nonessential . . . and will substitute their own ideas above the Lord’s wisdom and try to lead you apart from God’s holy pathways prepared for the salvation of His children . . . as a church secretary for considerably more than 20 years . . . I have seen many souls in great distress in similar situations . . . and I can assure you that your reaction and actions you have shared with us following the terrible shock of discovering the plague of the evils of constant habitual adultery and habitual lies . . . that you found existing in your life and marriage . . . were perfectly normal . . . and above reproach . . . and being unable to trust your husband . . . going to your trustworthy loving parents was just fine . . . don’t let anyone encourage you into isolation when undergoing such a hellish experience . . .
