Dealing with jealous/selfish niece

[shondrea]

Congratualtions, your niece feels unwanted and unloved, and is now likely an emotional train wreck. Trust me, I’m there. My mother has had very little to do with my life, and I too missed out on all the mother-daughter things girls are suppose to do. I was the family “extra” that no one really knew what to do with. And I may not be your neice, but I know it screwed ME up emotionally. I’ll pray for her.

Take the girl to dinner, darn it.

 

[BrokenRoad]

Well this was certainly not the reaction I was intending to get.

I think some of you are blowing this up a lot further than it needs to be. It’s not like we locked her in a closet or anything. It was just always difficult to find a way to work her in. She lives with her father and our mother, so it’s not like she doesn’t have a female in her life. Grandma might not be able to take her places or do things with her, but she loved her like her own daughter.

She had a Christmas presents and easter baskets and halloween costumes, she just didn’t have all the bells and whistles around it.

She’s her family’s youngest, and by the time she was getting old enough to join in with her brothers, money was tight. It’s cheaper and a lot less stress to drag 3 older kids across state than to add a 7 year old into that mix.

Her Dad is around, and he’s a good, hardworking man. But by the time she was older he just didn’t have the money to take her everywhere he took her brothers. It just couldn’t be done. And it’s not like I and her other aunts were absent. My older sister is her Godmother, and always took her back to school shopping, bought her a nice little something for her birthday; but you’re right, we all had our own families to take care of first. And in any case, have you met her Dad? Southern man if there ever was one. He doesn’t know what to do with a girly, frilly daughter. But it isn’t like he never tried. He’s taken her to the movies a few times, finally made good of his promise to take her on vacation last summer.

Forgive me, but I don’t understand the accusations of “emotional neglect” It’s not like all her cousins had everything handed to them either.

 

[PatriceA]

Well this was certainly not the reaction I was intending to get.

I think some of you are blowing this up a lot further than it needs to be. It’s not like we locked her in a closet or anything. It was just always difficult to find a way to work her in. She lives with her father and our mother, so it’s not like she doesn’t have a female in her life. Grandma might not be able to take her places or do things with her, but she loved her like her own daughter.

She had a Christmas presents and easter baskets and halloween costumes, she just didn’t have all the bells and whistles around it.

She’s her family’s youngest, and by the time she was getting old enough to join in with her brothers, money was tight. It’s cheaper and a lot less stress to drag 3 older kids across state than to add a 7 year old into that mix.

Her Dad is around, and he’s a good, hardworking man. But by the time she was older he just didn’t have the money to take her everywhere he took her brothers. It just couldn’t be done. And it’s not like I and her other aunts were absent. My older sister is her Godmother, and always took her back to school shopping, bought her a nice little something for her birthday; but you’re right, we all had our own families to take care of first. And in any case, have you met her Dad? Southern man if there ever was one. He doesn’t know what to do with a girly, frilly daughter. But it isn’t like he never tried. He’s taken her to the movies a few times, finally made good of his promise to take her on vacation last summer.

Forgive me, but I don’t understand the accusations of “emotional neglect” It’s not like all her cousins had everything handed to them either.

No, but her cousins had big family get togethers that focused on all of them at the same time for holidays and birthdays and your niece didn’t get that. She has always been on the outside looking in so to speak. She has been made to feel like the odd ball and then you expect her to get excited about the big parties you all plan for the other family members. How can she not react the way she does?? I know I would.

Her reaction sounds normal and very understandable. And the “emotional neglect” is not about having stuff handed to you, its about the fact that you overlooked her and her emotional needs because she was caught in the middle of the age gap. It doesn’t take that much to make a phone call, send a card in the mail, go for a walk together, etc. She just wanted to feel just as special as the other cousins. You made her feel inferior and then you expect her to give the attention to the other cousins, the attention she never got. I’d be just as angry as she is.

 

[EEgirl]

Well this was certainly not the reaction I was intending to get.

I think some of you are blowing this up a lot further than it needs to be. It’s not like we locked her in a closet or anything. It was just always difficult to find a way to work her in. She lives with her father and our mother, so it’s not like she doesn’t have a female in her life. Grandma might not be able to take her places or do things with her, but she loved her like her own daughter.

She had a Christmas presents and easter baskets and halloween costumes, she just didn’t have all the bells and whistles around it.

She’s her family’s youngest, and by the time she was getting old enough to join in with her brothers, money was tight. It’s cheaper and a lot less stress to drag 3 older kids across state than to add a 7 year old into that mix.

Her Dad is around, and he’s a good, hardworking man. But by the time she was older he just didn’t have the money to take her everywhere he took her brothers. It just couldn’t be done. And it’s not like I and her other aunts were absent. My older sister is her Godmother, and always took her back to school shopping, bought her a nice little something for her birthday; but you’re right, we all had our own families to take care of first. And in any case, have you met her Dad? Southern man if there ever was one. He doesn’t know what to do with a girly, frilly daughter. But it isn’t like he never tried. He’s taken her to the movies a few times, finally made good of his promise to take her on vacation last summer.

Forgive me, but I don’t understand the accusations of “emotional neglect” It’s not like all her cousins had everything handed to them either.

Since it was always “difficult to work her in”, I don’t know why you would be suprised that it’s “difficult for her to work in” time for you. Certainly she needs to take responsibility for herself, but she has no particular obligation to throw a party for her cousins.

 

[catharina]

Well this was certainly not the reaction I was intending to get.

I think some of you are blowing this up a lot further than it needs to be. It’s not like we locked her in a closet or anything. It was just always difficult to find a way to work her in. She lives with her father and our mother, so it’s not like she doesn’t have a female in her life. Grandma might not be able to take her places or do things with her, but she loved her like her own daughter.

She had a Christmas presents and easter baskets and halloween costumes, she just didn’t have all the bells and whistles around it.

She’s her family’s youngest, and by the time she was getting old enough to join in with her brothers, money was tight. It’s cheaper and a lot less stress to drag 3 older kids across state than to add a 7 year old into that mix.

Her Dad is around, and he’s a good, hardworking man. But by the time she was older he just didn’t have the money to take her everywhere he took her brothers. It just couldn’t be done. And it’s not like I and her other aunts were absent. My older sister is her Godmother, and always took her back to school shopping, bought her a nice little something for her birthday; but you’re right, we all had our own families to take care of first. And in any case, have you met her Dad? Southern man if there ever was one. He doesn’t know what to do with a girly, frilly daughter. But it isn’t like he never tried. He’s taken her to the movies a few times, finally made good of his promise to take her on vacation last summer.

Forgive me, but I don’t understand the accusations of “emotional neglect” It’s not like all her cousins had everything handed to them either.

Excuse me? It was YOU who said this:
"She doesn’t get why she has to do this for her cousins when no one ever did it for her.

And I mean, it’s true. She never got egg hunts of much of a Christmas, never really got to go on vacations of spend time with us on family outings, but it just wasn’t practical. You can’t plan something around just one girl. She was too little to join the older kids, and by the time the little ones were old enough, she was too old to join them. Believe me, it’s no fun watching a 12 year old throw a tantrum because we didn’t praise her coloring pages the same way we praised a 4 year old’s So yes, she missed out on a lot of so-called rights of passage, but it’s hardly abuse to be denied a few birthday cakes."*

Your defensiveness is overwhelming and since you are the one posting, I’m guessing that her other aunts are even worse.
**
How does a child feel when she alone is denied a “few birthday cakes?”**

 

[Nanny_PK]

I can understand things being busy around graduation and holidays, but you made an effort for the older/younger kids to ensure that their birthdays were celebrated; but you couldn’t do it at the graduations for her? How hard would it be to have a birthday cake to celebrate her birthday while celebrating the graduations?

Also you could afford to take nieces and nephews with you on vacation, but you couldn’t afford to take her on one? Why not offer her to go with you and the other nieces and nephews? If she declined because she was/is older or younger, then that would have been her choice.

I think you’re not even attempting to see it from her point of view. I’m glad that she has a grandmother who loves her and cares for her and it sounds like her father is doing the best he can BUT you’re the one that pointed out all the things that were done for the other cousins and NOT for her.

 

[mjs1987]

I think you should be thankful that this is the worst problem you are worrying about with her. Typically girls and boys too in her position without a mother and with a father that doesnt fill that role properly have drug, psychological or emotional problems or they become promiscuous to find that bond that they never had as a child. A grandmother isnt the same as a real mother no matter how well the grandmother tries. Ive seen grandparents give everything they have including all their retirement years to raising kids without a real mother and the kids all have major problems. All their friends that are in similar situations have major problems. If you are concerned about jealousy and selfishness feel lucky. It can be a LOT worse. Believe me, I would know. Not that you didnt contribute to this but considering her situation Id say she above normal for someone that has no mother.

 

[shondrea]

I think you should be thankful that this is the worst problem you are worrying about with her. Typically girls and boys too in her position without a mother and with a father that doesnt fill that role properly have drug, psychological or emotional problems or they become promiscuous to find that bond that they never had as a child. A grandmother isnt the same as a real mother no matter how well the grandmother tries. Ive seen grandparents give everything they have including all their retirement years to raising kids without a real mother and the kids all have major problems. All their friends that are in similar situations have major problems. If you are concerned about jealousy and selfishness feel lucky. It can be a LOT worse. Believe me, I would know. Not that you didnt contribute to this but considering her situation Id say she above normal for someone that has no mother.

She probably DOES have psychological and emotion problems, but how would any of them notice?

 

[flyingfish]

Well this was certainly not the reaction I was intending to get.

I think some of you are blowing this up a lot further than it needs to be. It’s not like we locked her in a closet or anything. It was just always difficult to find a way to work her in. She lives with her father and our mother, so it’s not like she doesn’t have a female in her life. Grandma might not be able to take her places or do things with her, but she loved her like her own daughter.

She had a Christmas presents and easter baskets and halloween costumes, she just didn’t have all the bells and whistles around it.

She’s her family’s youngest, and by the time she was getting old enough to join in with her brothers, money was tight. **It’s cheaper and a lot less stress to drag 3 older kids across state than to add a 7 year old into that mix.
**

Right, if your main concern is saving money and avoiding stress then it’s even cheaper and even less stressful not to go “across state” at all. Yet, the boys were worth the money and the stress, and she was not.

Of course this is neglect and obvious favoritism of the other children, doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see this.

Southern man if there ever was one. He doesn’t know what to do with a girly, frilly daughter. But it isn’t like he never tried. He’s taken her to the movies a few times, finally made good of his promise to take her on vacation last summer.

Forgive me, but I don’t understand the accusations of “emotional neglect” It’s not like all her cousins had everything handed to them either.

I don’t think it is your fault. You are not her mother and you certainly don’t have a duty to spend a moment of time with her (but neither does she have a duty to do a thing for you).

The fault is her father’s. He is the one who neglected his daughter while he was doing “manly” things with his sons.

Taking her to the movies “a few times” and “finally” going on vacation when she’s an adult is laughable and pathetically sad. My own father has a mental illness and was emotionally abusive, yet in all that he managed to do way more with me than that in terms of movies, vacations, and other activities.

 

[Onedayatatime]

I guess this must seem like a “tough crowd” with all the (name removed by moderator)ut you are getting. As you can see this forum is not your “stay silent” types.

Without being judgemental, if you read your post, without knowing the person who wrote it, it would seem obvious that something was not giving this girl a fair shake. I had a kid go off the rails into drugs and he had it all. Vacations, opportunities, loving brothers and sister. The Works.

As he ended up in jail we brought him back with unconditional love broadcast from all the family in many ways. Today he is closer to us all as a result and has a son of his own.

Mine was a prodigal son story, I think you might have the reverse, where the family has to do some repair and welcome someone who is already in the family. Darn it, I was trying now to be judgemental.

Seriously, I hope that you can “adopt” her and try and see things her way. Remember anger is a sign of weakness, not a sign of strength.

 

[Onegin]

BrokenRoad,

First, none of us obviously knows your exact situation, so like everyone, I have to respond based on the information in your post.

I do want to underscore the fact (which your latest post seemed to miss) that: giving a child or an adult things will never make up for lack of affection.

My niece and I are really close in age and growing up, her parents made a lot more money than mine and so she always got the best toys, parties, etc. However, although my parents didn’t have the money, I was home-schooled, and had a lot of opportunities to go camping, biking, on trips with my parents etc that she never did because her parents were both working full-time jobs to pay for all the amenities they enjoyed. It created a lot of issues with jealously between us because, ultimately, there is no replacement for parental affection.

Parents who think that they can make up for a lack of affection with a cake, a party, a toy, an Easter basket or a new car are completely missing the point. Once the damage is done and the jealously is created, it will take a lot of work to deal with that.

It sounds like your niece is dealing with issues surrounding emotional neglect growing up and yelling at her, throwing her a party or giving her stuff after the fact is not going to solve it. In fact, there’s probably nothing you can do that will solve it. She will have to come to terms with the emotional neglect that she grew up with on her own time. Meanwhile, you can support her by behaving in such a way as to affirm that she is just as important and loved as the cousins.

God bless.

 

[Catholic90]

Well this was certainly not the reaction I was intending to get.

I think some of you are blowing this up a lot further than it needs to be. It’s not like we locked her in a closet or anything. It was just always difficult to find a way to work her in. So why are you surprised when she if finding it diffucult to work others into her life? No one did it for her! She lives with her father and our mother, so it’s not like she doesn’t have a female in her life. Grandma might not be able to take her places or do things with her, but she loved her like her own daughter. But she WASN’T her own daughter - she was grandma. Big difference.

She had a Christmas presents and easter baskets and halloween costumes, she just didn’t have all the bells and whistles around it. Then why should she be expected to provide ‘bells and whistles’ for others?

She’s her family’s youngest, and by the time she was getting old enough to join in with her brothers, money was tight. It’s cheaper and a lot less stress to drag 3 older kids across state than to add a 7 year old into that mix. Sounds like an excuse.

Her Dad is around, and he’s a good, hardworking man. But by the time she was older he just didn’t have the money to take her everywhere he took her brothers. It just couldn’t be done. And it’s not like I and her other aunts were absent. My older sister is her Godmother, and always took her back to school shopping, bought her a nice little something for her birthday; but you’re right, we all had our own families to take care of first. And in any case, have you met her Dad? Southern man if there ever was one. He doesn’t know what to do with a girly, frilly daughter. Then he should have tried to figure it out. Believe you me, there ARE plenty of men out there who WILL know what to do with the frilly daughter - but you won’t necessarily like it! But it isn’t like he never tried. He’s taken her to the movies a few times, finally made good of his promise to take her on vacation last summer. Oooooh, she’s 20. Big deal.

Forgive me, but I don’t understand the accusations of “emotional neglect” It’s not like all her cousins had everything handed to them either. But based on what YOU said, they DID get all the parties and attention. She got none. Her birthdays even got passed up for graduations. Pretty sad you couldn’t even have something to note her birthday. How do you think HER MOTHER would feel about all you aunts ignoring her precious daughter like that?! Pretty shameful.

 

[flyingfish]

But based on what YOU said, they DID get all the parties and attention. She got none. Her birthdays even got passed up for graduations. Pretty sad you couldn’t even have something to note her birthday. How do you think HER MOTHER would feel about all you aunts ignoring her precious daughter like that?! Pretty shameful.

I wouldn’t go as far as to say it’s shameful.

Of course the OP and the other aunts loved their own children far more than the niece, and of course it makes perfect sense that they would pull out all the stops for them, their own children, and do very little for the niece. It’s just not the same. It’s not fair to expect them to take care of someone else’s child the way they did of their own. In a group of moms who made great holidays for their children, she really was an “extra”.

The main fault is with her father. It was his job to do all those things for his daughter, not the aunts. He should have been creating the “bells and whistles” for events in her life, taking her on vacations as much as he took his sons, spending time with her and so on and so on.

If the young woman is blaming the aunt for this, it’s a misplaced blame. The fault is her father’s.

Of course it’s pretty silly for the aunt to be outraged that the young woman doesn’t want to have anything to do with her grandkids’ events. Why should she care, when she wasn’t taken care of by the family?

 

[Catholic90]

What I think is shameful is how the girl was ignored throughout her life and how NOW the aunt(s) are surprised she does not want to be involved.

THAT is shameful.

I would also think the girl’s mother would be very saddened at how her daughter has been treated as compared to the other brothers and cousins.

Truly a Cinderella story - the girl needs her prince to come by now.

 

[BrokenRoad]

@ Catholic90- her mother really probably doesn’t care. She isn’t dead, she just has nothing to do with her.

It isn’t her father’s fault. When you’re working 12 hour shifts to support 4 kids, you don’t have tie to be playing tea party with a 5 year old.

I still think this is getting blown out of proprtion. She’s even quite close to some of her cousins, and she idolizes her father. If she harbored blame and resentment at her father’s “neglect”, she sure wouldn’t be singing his praises like he was the messiah himself.

 

[jmcrae]

And I mean, it’s true. She never got egg hunts of much of a Christmas, never really got to go on vacations of spend time with us on family outings, but it just wasn’t practical. You can’t plan something around just one girl.

Wow. That’s got to hurt. She’s not important enough for the rest of the family to make a fuss over. All the other kids get fussed over, but she’s the “extra kid.” She’s like that extra box of cookies that nobody really likes, that was picked up just in case surprise company comes over, that gets pushed to the back of the cupboard, forgotten, and then tossed out during spring cleaning.

But you’re expecting her to make a fuss over other members of the family - even though for her whole life, you’ve been teaching her that these things are optional extras - nobody “has” to have them.

 

[PatriceA]

@ Catholic90- her mother really probably doesn’t care. She isn’t dead, she just has nothing to do with her.

It isn’t her father’s fault. When you’re working 12 hour shifts to support 4 kids, you don’t have tie to be playing tea party with a 5 year old.

I still think this is getting blown out of proprtion. She’s even quite close to some of her cousins, and she idolizes her father. If she harbored blame and resentment at her father’s “neglect”, she sure wouldn’t be singing his praises like he was the messiah himself.

Are you saying its getting blown out of proportion because there are details missing from your original post that would shed more light on the situation OR is it because you didn’t get the reaction you expected and people are trying to show you a different take on the situation and how you may or may not have contributed to the justified anger your niece feels?

 

[CatofAlexandria]

@ Catholic90- her mother really probably doesn’t care. She isn’t dead, she just has nothing to do with her.

It isn’t her father’s fault. When you’re working 12 hour shifts to support 4 kids, you don’t have tie to be playing tea party with a 5 year old.

I still think this is getting blown out of proprtion. She’s even quite close to some of her cousins, and she idolizes her father. If she harbored blame and resentment at her father’s “neglect”, she sure wouldn’t be singing his praises like he was the messiah himself.

I can’t imagine what that would feel like. Her mother “has nothing to do with her,” her father takes her brothers on vacation without her because it’s inconvenient, her family doesn’t care to celebrate her birthdays or make holidays special for her because of her inconvenient birth timing, and now her aunts complain about her and are shocked by her “selfishness.” She might idolize her father, but she has reason to feel isolated. I used to stay up with my sister until midnight every night to wait until my dad got home from work. Even though he was dead-tired from working the entire day, he would chase us around the house and read us books. Kids just want to be loved and feel special. It might not be his fault, but at least you should all understand: it’s hard to tell a child she’s inconvenient.

My little brother, who was born ten years after both my sister and I, could not have been born at a more inconvenient time. When I was graduating from high school, he was in kindergarten! My family couldn’t go on the vacations that my dad finally had time for, but we all loved him so much, we really didn’t care. His limitations were our limitations. We all grew together. That’s just what a family does!

So, my advice to you would simply be to love her and to approach her situation from a sympathetic standpoint. Jesus teaches us that every child is special, and the least among us should be treated as the first. If you lead by this example, it might not be too late for her to learn to share in the joy of others and let go of any hurt that she is feeling because of the past. I will pray for you and wish you the best. God bless.

 

[Catholic90]

@ Catholic90- her mother really probably doesn’t care. She isn’t dead, she just has nothing to do with her.

And neither do her aunts, apparently.

It isn’t her father’s fault. When you’re working 12 hour shifts to support 4 kids, you don’t have tie to be playing tea party with a 5 year old.

Really? Why not? Kids need attention and love. She is ignored by mom, dad doesn’t seem to have time for her, and the aunts never had time to include her, either. Hmmm, and you are puzzled why SHE doesn’t have time for YOUR ideas?!?

I still think this is getting blown out of proprtion. She’s even quite close to some of her cousins, and she idolizes her father. If she harbored blame and resentment at her father’s “neglect”, she sure wouldn’t be singing his praises like he was the messiah himself.

Children love their parents no matter what. Abused children even love their parents. Kidnap victims even come to love their captors. She has no involved mother, so an absent dad is all she has known.

If she was so “close” to her cousins, why was she never included in the special things? I sense some backpeddling on your part.

 

[flyingfish]

@ Catholic90- her mother really probably doesn’t care. She isn’t dead, she just has nothing to do with her.

It isn’t her father’s fault. When you’re working 12 hour shifts to support 4 kids, you don’t have tie to be playing tea party with a 5 year old.

Yet he found the time to take the boys on vacations and activities, while leaving her at home to save some money and stress? I guess the boys were too important to save money on.

I still think this is getting blown out of proprtion. She’s even quite close to some of her cousins, and she idolizes her father. If she harbored blame and resentment at her father’s “neglect”, she sure wouldn’t be singing his praises like he was the messiah himself.

And abused children will sometimes cling to the abusive parent, so what?

Why exactly are you expecting this girl who was neglected by her extended family and even her immediate family to participate in making a big event for your grandkids?