Dealing with jealous/selfish niece

[Aislin]

What’s disgusting is your attitude and behavior towards your niece. She’s behaving NORMALLY, like how anyone would given the situation. Why should she want to help out when no one could bother with her growing up? What goes around comes around. It really is cruel and insensitive to rub happy mother/daughter pictures in her face when it was something she lacked growing up. It’s like saying “Haha, look what you didn’t get to do!” and it would hurt. She has every right to be angry/jealous and was deprived of things that obviously mattered to her. Brushing it off and thinking she should just “grow up” is unacceptable. It’s absolutely disgusting that she would have missed any birthdays for whatever reason. Graduations aren’t more important than a 13th birthday. That’s downright pathetic. Being a grown woman doesn’t mean that childhood pain automatically goes away, especially when it’s continuing to be thrown back in her face.

It isn’t easy feeling like an outsider in your family and believe me, it hurts. I was in a similar position where I was the youngest cousin on both sides of the family. There was at least a ten year age gap on one side, yet they made sure to include me. Age differences are no excuse for excluding anyone. She doesn’t need any help to “straighten up” and she most certainly is NOT snobbish. What she needs is to feel like she’s loved and an important part of her family which really isn’t asking a whole lot. If you’re sick of how she’s acting, too bad. You contributed to it, she’s simply reacting from her circumstances. Don’t like it? Do something to actually HELP her and make her feel like an important member of the family rather than put blame on her for having normal emotions.

Your end sentences says it all. Why don’t you try to make Easter enjoyable for HER rather than expect her simply to cater to the younger cousins to make sure they have a great time? Also, don’t accuse her of having behavior ‘unfitting’ of a Christian girl when you’re no better. It sounds like she hasn’t even been treated with normal human decency, let alone Christian-like behavior.

Like others have said, you’re lucky she hasn’t ended up with worse problems. Honestly, I’m surprised she hasn’t simply told her pathetic excuse of a family to take a flying leap.

This has made me extremely grateful for my aunts. At least they treated me with respect and actually cared for me. Wow. This is just sad beyond words.

 

[silentstar]

If everyone else gets them, but you don’t, it sure feels like abuse.

I don’t know all the facts, of course, but I feel sorry for her–she seems like a real-life Cinderella. I hope her Prince Charming comes along, and soon.

Don’t be surprised if one day she walks out of your life and never looks back. People don’t stay where they’re not wanted.

Unfortunately that is the truth. You may find someday that you want to see her and she will not see you.

Why do you spend so much time with her talking about other people’s lives? Even though they are family? Why don’t you talk to her about her life and her interests?

Throughout her life, how much time has she spent listening to other people’s lives and fun stuff they got to do vs. being listened to for what she has to say?

 

[flyingfish]

When I was growing up I had one sibling, and our parents always made sure to get one a present on the other’s birthday, so that one of us wouldn’t feel left out while the other got gifts… I can’t even imagine my parents taking one of us on vacation while leaving the other behind because they are “inconvenient”, or of the wrong gender or age.

And that’s with a crazy/emotionally abusive father who also worked 12 hour days. I can’t even fathom how adults can treat a child that way.

 

[catharina]

What’s disgusting is your attitude and behavior towards your niece. She’s behaving NORMALLY, like how anyone would given the situation. Why should she want to help out when no one could bother with her growing up? What goes around comes around. It really is cruel and insensitive to rub happy mother/daughter pictures in her face when it was something she lacked growing up. It’s like saying “Haha, look what you didn’t get to do!” and it would hurt.

…

**Also, don’t accuse her of having behavior ‘unfitting’ of a Christian girl when you’re no better. It sounds like she hasn’t even been treated with normal human decency, let alone Christian-like behavior. **

Like others have said, you’re lucky she hasn’t ended up with worse problems. Honestly, I’m surprised she hasn’t simply told her pathetic excuse of a family to take a flying leap.

This has made me extremely grateful for my aunts. At least they treated me with respect and actually cared for me. Wow. This is just sad beyond words.

I have no idea how the OP can fail to see that she and the other aunts hurt this young woman during her childhood and that they continue to do so even now. Calling her less than Christian is truly horrible. Do you recall Our Lord saying “Whatever you do to the least of My brethren, that you do unto Me.” Within your family structure, this young woman was clearly the least of the brethern and she was severely neglected by all of the “Mommy Women” in her life through no fault of her own. What a terrible shame.

 

[silentstar]

Well this was certainly not the reaction I was intending to get.

I think some of you are blowing this up a lot further than it needs to be. It’s not like we locked her in a closet or anything. It was just always difficult to find a way to work her in.

I’m surprised that you find it difficult to understand why people are mentioning emotional neglect. You have documented it with the details you provided and the above sentence:

“It was just always difficult to find a way to work her in.”

And then after that you expect her to take an active role in planning celebrations for the younger children.

Why was it difficult to work her in? You are writing as if considering her needs was some kind of unusually hard task b/c she did not have age-peers as many other children in the family do.

 

[Seatuck]

When I was growing up I had one sibling, and our parents always made sure to get one a present on the other’s birthday, so that one of us wouldn’t feel left out while the other got gifts.… I can’t even imagine my parents taking one of us on vacation while leaving the other behind because they are “inconvenient”, or of the wrong gender or age.

And that’s with a crazy/emotionally abusive father who also worked 12 hour days. I can’t even fathom how adults can treat a child that way.

That is just silly and going overboard on the other side of the boat. But I’m sure they meant it well.

 

[silentstar]

@ Catholic90- her mother really probably doesn’t care. She isn’t dead, she just has nothing to do with her.

It isn’t her father’s fault. When you’re working 12 hour shifts to support 4 kids, you don’t have tie to be playing tea party with a 5 year old.

I still think this is getting blown out of proprtion. She’s even quite close to some of her cousins, and she idolizes her father. If she harbored blame and resentment at her father’s “neglect”, she sure wouldn’t be singing his praises like he was the messiah himself.

OK so her mother doesn’t care either. Why is the mother not involved in this girl’s life?

Children often DO idolize parents who don’t have much time for them. Maybe she is really not used to having attention from adults and she would rather accept what she gets from her father than question it.

 

[jmcrae]

That is just silly and going overboard on the other side of the boat. But I’m sure they meant it well.

The custom for birthday parties around here is that all the kids in the family get to go to their brother or sister’s birthday party, and all the kids get “prizes” for playing games, and goodie bags to take home. Nobody ever goes home empty-handed from a birthday party, even if it isn’t their own party.

Of course the Princess for a Day or Prince for a Day gets all the big gifts, but everybody in attendance gets little gifts.

 

[Catholic90]

This is just so sad all around.

She has a mother who apparently wants nothing to do with her, a father who won’t make time for her, and aunts who had time for everyone EXCEPT her.

And then you expect her to be thrilled to listen to you brag about the special things your daughter is doing with your granddaughter that SHE never got to do because no one could find the time - not even ONCE!

And you wonder why she doesn’t want to help the spoiled little children…hmm…

What a JOY the family gettogethers must be for her. Not.

 

[sharmin]

I suggest taking her out to lunch or shopping once a month. Maybe that will help her feel included and get over her anger. I feel sorry for her.

 

[catharina]

It’s hard to imagine that anyone who was not fussed over and celebrated as a child would be inclined to fuss over and celebrate the children/grandchildren of the very relatives who neglected her.

 

[BrokenRoad]

I’m sorry you guys all feel the way you do. But really, what child DOESN’T feel they they got the cruddy end of the stick growing up?

Her father has tried. He raised four kids as best he could. He never even dated until the daughter in question was in high school, and now he’s in a relationship with a wonderful woman with 2 young boys of her own. They sometimes bring her along to go shoot pool and whatnot. In any case, there were occasions where she actually COULDN’T go along with things. Her father and his girlfriend and her boys went to the Grand Canyon a few years back. I’m sure you’ll lament about how neglected she is for not getting to go, but someone had to stay and look after our mother, and hold things down. Sometimes life just isn’t fair. Anyone who grew up in my time knows this. Tough it out and suck it up, that’s how we were raised.

We didn’t interfere much because it wasn’t out job to do so. My sisters and I, we all had our share in her life. When she was little I’d once in a while have her come up to spend the night and play with my youngest. Another aunt took her shopping. But when you’re loading your bunch up in the van to go to dinner, your thoughts aren’t on thinking about picking up your neice to go too.

Perhaps we should have been a little more involved, but “abuse” is going way too far.

 

[flyingfish]

Anyone who grew up in my time knows this. Tough it out and suck it up, that’s how we were raised.

So why don’t you apply your philosophy to your own life and “tough it out” when your niece has no interest in fawning over your grandkids?

Perhaps we should have been a little more involved, but “abuse” is going way too far.

Not on your part, but on the father’s.

 

[PatriceA]

I’m sorry you guys all feel the way you do. But really, what child DOESN’T feel they they got the cruddy end of the stick growing up?

Her father has tried. He raised four kids as best he could. He never even dated until the daughter in question was in high school, and now he’s in a relationship with a wonderful woman with 2 young boys of her own. They sometimes bring her along to go shoot pool and whatnot. In any case, there were occasions where she actually COULDN’T go along with things. Her father and his girlfriend and her boys went to the Grand Canyon a few years back. I’m sure you’ll lament about how neglected she is for not getting to go, but someone had to stay and look after our mother, and hold things down. Sometimes life just isn’t fair. Anyone who grew up in my time knows this. Tough it out and suck it up, that’s how we were raised.

We didn’t interfere much because it wasn’t out job to do so. My sisters and I, we all had our share in her life. When she was little I’d once in a while have her come up to spend the night and play with my youngest. Another aunt took her shopping. But when you’re loading your bunch up in the van to go to dinner, your thoughts aren’t on thinking about picking up your neice to go too.

Perhaps we should have been a little more involved, but “abuse” is going way too far.

Why couldn’t you or one of your other siblings look after your mother while the family was on vacation?

 

[sanctamaria17]

Ouch. I’m still seeing a girl who gets lost in the shuffle while having to take care of everyone else and watching the family have fun.

Tough it out and suck it up? Well, if you believe in that so much, why do you care what your niece thinks? She’s an adult. If that’s your attitude in life, then you have to accept that you’re not going to get much from her and you should just move on.

And, again, why is taking care of her grandmother her responsibility? Last I checked, children took care of their parents when they got older. My parents do that for theirs and I will do it for mine, grandchildren are not expected to shoulder that responsibility.

Or, if your argument for that is that you have a duty toward all your family, not just parents and siblings, then you’d have to admit that you all didn’t do enough for her instead of pulling the “well, it’s out of MY hands!” Maybe that’s where you all were supposed to tough it out and suck it up…

 

[mjs1987]

I’m sorry you guys all feel the way you do. But really, what child DOESN’T feel they they got the cruddy end of the stick growing up?

Her father has tried. He raised four kids as best he could. He never even dated until the daughter in question was in high school, and now he’s in a relationship with a wonderful woman with 2 young boys of her own. They sometimes bring her along to go shoot pool and whatnot. In any case, there were occasions where she actually COULDN’T go along with things. Her father and his girlfriend and her boys went to the Grand Canyon a few years back. I’m sure you’ll lament about how neglected she is for not getting to go, but someone had to stay and look after our mother, and hold things down. Sometimes life just isn’t fair. Anyone who grew up in my time knows this. Tough it out and suck it up, that’s how we were raised.

We didn’t interfere much because it wasn’t out job to do so. My sisters and I, we all had our share in her life. When she was little I’d once in a while have her come up to spend the night and play with my youngest. Another aunt took her shopping. But when you’re loading your bunch up in the van to go to dinner, your thoughts aren’t on thinking about picking up your neice to go too.

Perhaps we should have been a little more involved, but “abuse” is going way too far.

Why couldnt anyone take Grandma in for a few days or so while the girl went with her father on vacation? I know I would be upset if not only my own family got favored over me but other kids unrelated got favored over me and I was left doing the job that someone older than me should have been able to step in and do for a short period of time. It is not the teenage grandchild’s responsibility to take care of grandma on their own. It seems very selfish of both the father and the rest of the family to allow this to happen. This girl has had it MUCH rougher than most kids in your own family by your own admission. Now that she is an adult you want her to create a special environment for your family which you never did for her. You want her to go out of her way when you guys never really went out of your way for her. Doing little things like you mention for her just rubs it in more because it seems like pity attention while everyone else including non family members get special treatment. Be thankful she is still even talking to you. When you treat someone poorly for a long period of time eventually they fight back and wont go along with what you want.

It is also no excuse for her father working 12 hour days to not pay attention. I know people that work longer days than that 6-7 days a week. They still find time for their daughters even when money is very tight. I know some airline pilots that are not even at home half the month or more every month and they find time for their daughters. Ive seen this family situation many times before. Do you know what happens when kids grow up in a family like she was in? They become almost like family with their close friends who take the role of the family. That is where her loyalties likely are right now and why she refuses to do anything special for your family.

 

[flyingfish]

And, again, why is taking care of her grandmother her responsibility? Last I checked, children took care of their parents when they got older. My parents do that for theirs and I will do it for mine, grandchildren are not expected to shoulder that responsibility.

It sounds like an excuse made up by a man who didn’t want his neglected 20 year old daughter to interfere with his “fun time” with his shiny new girlfriend and her kids.

It makes absolutely no sense that in a family as large as theirs she was actually needed to look after grandma.

Personally I am starting to doubt this whole thread. It reads like “Here is how we neglected her… <long list of ways child was neglected” followed by 2 pages of unanimous responses about how sad it is that the child was treated so poorly, followed by posts along the lines “here is another way we neglected her, I am so surprised by everyone’s reactions”

 

[Aislin]

No, don’t you brush off her feelings as simply every child feeling like they got the “cruddy end of the stick”. You continue to show an outright lack of respect towards your niece and the very real hurt feelings that she has that has caused her trauma in life. What happened to her was just plain WRONG. There is absolutely no way it can be rationalized and she has every right to feel the way she does. Families are supposed to stick together and help each other out. It disgusts me when they have attitudes such as yours; it’s completely selfish and uncaring. Spending time with a young girl who doesn’t have a mother isn’t a job, it’s called being a decent person and looking out for someone who needs it. Sorry, but you failed there and will one day have to answer for your treatment of her.

Absolutely disgusting behavior on your part and the rest of the family. I don’t know her, but I’d really like to give her a hug.

 

[catharina]

It sounds like an excuse made up by a man who didn’t want his neglected 20 year old daughter to interfere with his “fun time” with his shiny new girlfriend and her kids.

It makes absolutely no sense that in a family as large as theirs she was actually needed to look after grandma.

Personally I am starting to doubt this whole thread. It reads like “Here is how we neglected her… <long list of ways child was neglected” followed by 2 pages of unanimous responses about how sad it is that the child was treated so poorly, followed by posts along the lines "here is another way we neglected her, I am so surprised by everyone’s reactions"

Very well-said.

 

[Seatuck]

The custom for birthday parties around here is that all the kids in the family get to go to their brother or sister’s birthday party, and all the kids get “prizes” for playing games, and goodie bags to take home. Nobody ever goes home empty-handed from a birthday party, even if it isn’t their own party.

Of course the Princess for a Day or Prince for a Day gets all the big gifts, but everybody in attendance gets little gifts.

Prizes or goody bags which is also the custom here is not the same thing as a present. A sibling should be taught to appreciate the getting and giving of a gift on his/her siblings birthday.