Dealing with jealous/selfish niece

[shondrea]

OP strike mes as though she’s using the “problem child” approach to cover up another problem. To me, it reads sort of like, Some one has brought this problem to my attention, and I’m in denial, and feeling guilty, so I’m looking for validation. I use to do that on some forums. If I wanted an answer, but was afraid of asking right out, I’d hide the problem inside a different one.

I’m guessing guilt and denial.

 

[silentstar]

I’m sorry you guys all feel the way you do. But really, what child DOESN’T feel they they got the cruddy end of the stick growing up?

Her father has tried. He raised four kids as best he could. He never even dated until the daughter in question was in high school, and now he’s in a relationship with a wonderful woman with 2 young boys of her own. They sometimes bring her along to go shoot pool and whatnot. In any case, there were occasions where she actually COULDN’T go along with things. Her father and his girlfriend and her boys went to the Grand Canyon a few years back.** I’m sure you’ll lament about how neglected she is for not getting to go, but someone had to stay and look after our mother, and hold things down.** Sometimes life just isn’t fair. Anyone who grew up in my time knows this. Tough it out and suck it up, that’s how we were raised.

We didn’t interfere much because it wasn’t out job to do so. My sisters and I, we all had our share in her life. When she was little I’d once in a while have her come up to spend the night and play with my youngest. Another aunt took her shopping. But when you’re loading your bunch up in the van to go to dinner, your thoughts aren’t on thinking about picking up your neice to go too.

Perhaps we should have been a little more involved, but “abuse” is going way too far.

It is disconcerting to me that you are reacting like this. You are attempting to justify behavior that in my view is really not justifiable.

You know I am not at all surprised at what you said in this post. I was expecting the other shoe to drop which means I have been waiting for you to say that this young woman has been assigned the duty to care for relatives when they are old and/or ill. And judging from what you said, she is perhaps expected to sacrifice a life of her own in order to do this. Do you see her as the spinster who will never have children and will care for the elderly relatives her entire life?

“But when you’re loading your bunch up in the van to go to dinner, your thoughts aren’t on thinking about picking up your neice to go too.”

You were the one who said, tough it out and suck it up, that is how you were raised. I am sure that had you been willing to tough it out and suck it up as you claim, you could have put in a bit more effort to make sure your niece was included.

Toughing it out and sucking it up would have meant that all members of the family would have been included in events, which includes your niece as well. Take the extra 25 minutes or whatever of driving time to see that she is included.

Why are you willing to justify her being left alone so often and missing out on so much by saying ‘life’s tough?’ Especially b/c you are providing all kinds of loving, enriching experiences for other children in the family.

This whole thread is leaving a nasty taste in my mouth. I feel really bad for this girl. She sounds like the family scapegoat, which to me is reinforced by the flippant, callous references to ‘hey life’s tough’ whenever the OP defends not including her.

Perhaps she has received the blame for her mother’s deserting the family and now she’s the scapegoat? I’m wondering if that’s what happened.

 

[silentstar]

Personally I am starting to doubt this whole thread. It reads like “Here is how we neglected her… <long list of ways child was neglected” followed by 2 pages of unanimous responses about how sad it is that the child was treated so poorly, followed by posts along the lines “here is another way we neglected her, I am so surprised by everyone’s reactions”

I agree. It is pretty strange that the OP is saying all this stuff, refusing to consider feedback, saying more stuff about not including her niece, and then arguing with posters. It seems odd.

The presentation of issues seems so odd that I’m wondering if this is an imaginary scenario that was posted just to get emotional reactions out of people.

 

[shondrea]

I agree. It is pretty strange that the OP is saying all this stuff, refusing to consider feedback, saying more stuff about not including her niece, and then arguing with posters. It seems odd.

The presentation of issues seems so odd that I’m wondering if this is an imaginary scenario that was posted just to get emotional reactions out of people.

Even religion forums have trolls, it might seem.

 

[Indyann]

Even religion forums have trolls, it might seem.

I think someone is writing a novel about a cold, hard callous woman who mistreats her neice in a variety of ways. The author is trying to decide whether to have the girl turn to drugs and promiscuity to fill the hole in her heart,or will she find happiness in marriage. Or maybe the convent?

Surely, no one in real life would treat a young one in this manner, post it on a Catholic forum, and then be surprised by a negative reaction! At least no one with one ounce of compassion, that is. A modern day Cinderella, indeed.

 

[shondrea]

I say dragons swoop in and rescue her away But yeah…I’m on an anime forums a lot, and you can usually tell when someone there is fishing for attention…course, that forum is populated by 13 year old’s…

Or, I remember when I was younger, and on a website oriented at pre-teen girl issues, it was common to write threads about your problems but making it look like it was “a friend” or 'someone else", because you were too afraid of being made fun of or not having anyone care about your problem. Maybe it’s Cinderella herself writing this from her experiences? Wondering if what she went through was legitimate, or if she’s the one being overdramat? They feel too ashamed or shy to say, hey, this is what happened to me, what do you think? So instead they twist ir around from someone else’s view, so that if they don’t get the desired reaction, they don’t take it personally.

The OP said her “neice” was 20, but if the second theory is true, the author is probably a lot younger.

Oooor I could just be grasping at straws. I’m no psych expert, but I grew up on internet forums.

 

[Lovemyfaith]

She is almost 20? I wouldn’t really call her a grown woman, she is barely out of her teens. It is not too late at all for her.

Please try to get a few family members together to try to talk to her about how she feels and how your family feels. Perhaps if she saw this outreach she would see how much your family loves her and wants her to feel special.

 

[Sasha]

This whole thread is leaving a nasty taste in my mouth. I feel really bad for this girl. She sounds like the family scapegoat, which to me is reinforced by the flippant, callous references to ‘hey life’s tough’ whenever the OP defends not including her.

Perhaps she has received the blame for her mother’s deserting the family and now she’s the scapegoat? I’m wondering if that’s what happened.

I have to be honest, this crossed my mind as well. I see lots of contradictions from the OP in her various posts. On the one hand, it wasn’t her job to take care of her niece because she wasn’t immediate family, but the niece is expected to do for her younger cousins what no one did for her - well that’s not her job either! And I nearly fell out of my chair when I read that after she was left at home while her dad took her brothers on vacation (because it was too much stress and cost to take this younger child), but then he takes his girlfriend’s younger sons on vacation and leaves her home again?! Sounds to me that the father didn’t want any daughters, only sons. Maybe this girl reminds everyone too much of her mother (does she look like her?) and that’s why she’s being treated this way.

I do agree that a lot of what you’re talking about are extras. I never had any of what you are describing when I grew up, so I agree. She was fed, clothed, etc. But here’s what you are missing - the family did it for everyone except her!!! So really, it’s not extras in your family. Through the actions of every one of you, you have told that girl over and over again through the years that she doesn’t matter. A girl’s 13th birthday is a big deal! And if you really believed that it wasn’t, you wouldn’t have done it for everyone else. All we have to go on is what you’ve put in this post, but you’ve stated over and over again that she was treated differently from every other child in the family.

If you really believe in your heart that she should simply suck it up, then so should you. If she’s not allowed to complain about the treatment she’s received, then you shouldn’t be complaining about her reaction to it. Try to put aside your defenses and put yourself in her shoes and see what it was like. I doubt it was the fact that she didn’t get an Easter egg hunt - it’s the fact that everyone except her did! You’ve been telling her for almost 20 years she’s not worth the effort, but you do expect her to take care of elderly relatives. Sounds like she’s expected to take on all the work side of things and rarely get the pleasure side, which is pretty much the opposite of the rest of the family. Of course she’s resentful!

 

[catharina]

I have to be honest, this crossed my mind as well. I see lots of contradictions from the OP in her various posts. On the one hand, it wasn’t her job to take care of her niece because she wasn’t immediate family, but the niece is expected to do for her younger cousins what no one did for her - well that’s not her job either! And I nearly fell out of my chair when I read that after she was left at home while her dad took her brothers on vacation (because it was too much stress and cost to take this younger child), but then he takes his girlfriend’s younger sons on vacation and leaves her home again?! Sounds to me that the father didn’t want any daughters, only sons. Maybe this girl reminds everyone too much of her mother (does she look like her?) and that’s why she’s being treated this way.

I do agree that a lot of what you’re talking about are extras. I never had any of what you are describing when I grew up, so I agree. She was fed, clothed, etc. But here’s what you are missing - the family did it for everyone except her!!! So really, it’s not extras in your family. Through the actions of every one of you, you have told that girl over and over again through the years that she doesn’t matter. A girl’s 13th birthday is a big deal! And if you really believed that it wasn’t, you wouldn’t have done it for everyone else. All we have to go on is what you’ve put in this post, but you’ve stated over and over again that she was treated differently from every other child in the family.

If you really believe in your heart that she should simply suck it up, then so should you. If she’s not allowed to complain about the treatment she’s received, then you shouldn’t be complaining about her reaction to it. Try to put aside your defenses and put yourself in her shoes and see what it was like. I doubt it was the fact that she didn’t get an Easter egg hunt - it’s the fact that everyone except her did! You’ve been telling her for almost 20 years she’s not worth the effort, but you do expect her to take care of elderly relatives. Sounds like she’s expected to take on all the work side of things and rarely get the pleasure side, which is pretty much the opposite of the rest of the family. Of course she’s resentful!

**
I’m not even sure if she’s resentful. Yet she is clearly wounded - and she should be.**

 

[Seatuck]

It sounds like an excuse made up by a man who didn’t want his neglected 20 year old daughter to interfere with his “fun time” with his shiny new girlfriend and her kids.

It makes absolutely no sense that in a family as large as theirs she was actually needed to look after grandma.

Personally I am starting to doubt this whole thread. It reads like “Here is how we neglected her… <long list of ways child was neglected” followed by 2 pages of unanimous responses about how sad it is that the child was treated so poorly, followed by posts along the lines “here is another way we neglected her, I am so surprised by everyone’s reactions”

It has turned out to be doubtful thread. But hey, have you ever seen an almost unanimous reaction by the posters before?

 

[BrokenRoad]

I say dragons swoop in and rescue her away But yeah…I’m on an anime forums a lot, and you can usually tell when someone there is fishing for attention…course, that forum is populated by 13 year old’s…

Or, I remember when I was younger, and on a website oriented at pre-teen girl issues, it was common to write threads about your problems but making it look like it was “a friend” or 'someone else", because you were too afraid of being made fun of or not having anyone care about your problem. Maybe it’s Cinderella herself writing this from her experiences? Wondering if what she went through was legitimate, or if she’s the one being overdramat? They feel too ashamed or shy to say, hey, this is what happened to me, what do you think? So instead they twist ir around from someone else’s view, so that if they don’t get the desired reaction, they don’t take it personally.

The OP said her “neice” was 20, but if the second theory is true, the author is probably a lot younger.

Oooor I could just be grasping at straws. I’m no psych expert, but I grew up on internet forums.

Well aren’t we a little detective.

Who knows. maybe I am just the lonely Cinderella of the story looking for attention. It certainly would sound better to tell it form the unsympathetic aunt’s point of view than the point of view of a whiny teenager, don’t you think?

 

[SarahR]

(Oh come on, no one has done this yet?)

A few years ago, when the “niece” was 17ish, she was elected to stay home and take care of Grammie whilst dad, brothers, new girlfriend and her kids all went on a family vacation? Wonder what her diary entries were at that time…

 

[catharina]

Well aren’t we a little detective.

Who knows. maybe I am just the lonely Cinderella of the story looking for attention. It certainly would sound better to tell it form the unsympathetic aunt’s point of view than the point of view of a whiny teenager, don’t you think?

I think you are outrageous.
I also think that very few (if any) can understand your views or your goal.

 

[sanctamaria17]

At this point, you might as well be shouting," Your AURA is PURPLE!" That’s how nonsensical this is.

 

[BrokenRoad]

Okay, I get it. This is a catholic site, so I guess I might as well make a confession. Shondra got it close to right. I’m no aunt, I’m not even old enough to be an aunt, theoretically. The neice in the story is me. I’m sorry, ok? It was 4 in the morning and I was really lonely and upset and tired and depressed and I just wanted someone to listen but I figured if I posted it from the real POV, mine, it would just make me sound ungrateful and whiny and snotty. I didn’t mean to get everyone so worked up and upset. I’m sorry. But I didn’t lie about anything in what I wrote. Everything I said that happened is true, and now I just sound like an attention seeker. But I’m just really lonely and I don’t have anyone to go to or talk to, so I figured I’d fish for a little sympathy on the internet. Again, I’m sorry for playing all you guys. The mods should probably just close this.

 

[jmcrae]

Okay, I get it. This is a catholic site, so I guess I might as well make a confession. Shondra got it close to right. I’m no aunt, I’m not even old enough to be an aunt, theoretically. The neice in the story is me. I’m sorry, ok? It was 4 in the morning and I was really lonely and upset and tired and depressed and I just wanted someone to listen but I figured if I posted it from the real POV, mine, it would just make me sound ungrateful and whiny and snotty. I didn’t mean to get everyone so worked up and upset. I’m sorry. But I didn’t lie about anything in what I wrote. Everything I said that happened is true, and now I just sound like an attention seeker. But I’m just really lonely and I don’t have anyone to go to or talk to, so I figured I’d fish for a little sympathy on the internet. Again, I’m sorry for playing all you guys. The mods should probably just close this.

I think what gave it away was that, if your Aunt really didn’t care that much about you (ie: had the attitude that was being portrayed), or consider your feelings, what would she be doing spending three days writing about you on the Internet?

Because you have to actually care about someone, to put that kind of time into complaining about them.

Anyway - welcome to our little corner of the Internet.

 

[rayne89]

Okay, I get it. This is a catholic site, so I guess I might as well make a confession. Shondra got it close to right. I’m no aunt, I’m not even old enough to be an aunt, theoretically. The neice in the story is me. I’m sorry, ok? It was 4 in the morning and I was really lonely and upset and tired and depressed and I just wanted someone to listen but I figured if I posted it from the real POV, mine, it would just make me sound ungrateful and whiny and snotty. I didn’t mean to get everyone so worked up and upset. I’m sorry. But I didn’t lie about anything in what I wrote. Everything I said that happened is true, and now I just sound like an attention seeker. But I’m just really lonely and I don’t have anyone to go to or talk to, so I figured I’d fish for a little sympathy on the internet. Again, I’m sorry for playing all you guys. The mods should probably just close this.

Have you tried talking to your dad about how you feel?

 

[BrokenRoad]

Have you tried talking to your dad about how you feel?

Dad doesn’t do “talk.” he’s not really home much anyway. Works out of town. When he is in town, he’s rarely home. When he’s home, he’s working or watching TV. He doesn’t really have much of anything to do with me. He never really had anything to do in raising me. When i try to tell him I’d like to go with him when he takes his girlfriend and her kids to dinner and movies and out to the lake, he just says, Oh sure, sure, I’ll take you next time. And he never does. I don’t even know he went anywhere until he comes back talking about what a great time they had. And if I get upset, he always makes up an excuse, saying I wouldn’t have liked it, or it was a boring movie, or there wasn’t room in the car.

 

[BrokenRoad]

I think what gave it away was that, if your Aunt really didn’t care that much about you (ie: had the attitude that was being portrayed), or consider your feelings, what would she be doing spending three days writing about you on the Internet?

Because you have to actually care about someone, to put that kind of time into complaining about them.

Anyway - welcome to our little corner of the Internet.

well, it seemed like a good angle at the time. Lord knows they do spend ample tie griping about things they do nothing to help solve.

 

[flyingfish]

Dad doesn’t do “talk.” he’s not really home much anyway. Works out of town. When he is in town, he’s rarely home. When he’s home, he’s working or watching TV. He doesn’t really have much of anything to do with me. He never really had anything to do in raising me. When i try to tell him I’d like to go with him when he takes his girlfriend and her kids to dinner and movies and out to the lake, he just says, Oh sure, sure, I’ll take you next time. And he never does. I don’t even know he went anywhere until he comes back talking about what a great time they had. And if I get upset, he always makes up an excuse, saying I wouldn’t have liked it, or it was a boring movie, or there wasn’t room in the car.

You can’t change your father, all you can really do is work on creating a good life for yourself. Your best bet is to do really well in school so you can attend college and work towards a fulfilling career. Focus on making friends. One day you may have a family of your own.

You could confront your father about being neglectful, but it’s uncertain how he will react.

People have their parents die, or simply walk away and they get over it and find happiness in other things. Maybe you should find a way to relate to these scenarios.