Dear Ushers and Extraordinary Ministers: A plea for the elderly and handicapped

[MarieVeronica]

Dear CAF. I’d like to share a couple things, that happened to my mother and I… this morning, at Mass. This is not a “gripe”… nor is it intended to seek sympathy. I’m just hoping… that through sharing our experience, perhaps I can help others to understand the extreme difficulties that the elderly, the handicapped and their caregivers endure, to attend Mass; and in doing so, to increase awareness of their special needs.

First… for anyone not familiar with my mothers needs… she is extremely handicapped; she is 86 with Alzheimer’s Disease; she also has severe, crippling arthritis and wears a leg brace; she must use either a walker, or a wheelchair. This morning, due to rain… I had her in the wheelchair.

Our “usual” Sunday ushers are absolutely wonderful. They care for us, and make certain that we are not hindered, in any way, from fully participating in the Mass… due to my mothers handicaps. We are so grateful for them.

However, this morning… we had a new usher. A very nice man, to be sure; but he was not familiar with my mothers “needs”. Because she was seated in her wheelchair… I made an assumption… that he would know, that he shouldn’t allow people to “crawl over” my poor mother. But he did not. Although there was barely enough room for maybe 5 more people in the pew… he allowed NINE people to crawl over her and me, nearly squeezing me out of the end of the pew and into my mothers lap. Thankfully, mother wasn’t in one of her “agitated” moods this morning (which she often is, due to the Alzheimer’s) and she seemed to accept it. So, I sat quietly and said nothing.

Dear ushers… please be very vigilant about this. Make sure that you are not allowing late comers, to crawl over handicapped or elderly. It causes them so much distress and even physical pain.

The second “issue” was Communion. When our “usual” usher is present, he makes sure that an Extraordinary Minister comes to the back rows and gives Holy Communion to the handicapped. I can not leave my mother alone (due to the Alzheimer’s) and he always makes sure, that I receive Communion, too. Our “usual” usher wasn’t there, today. When the Extraordinary Minister brought Communion to my mother. I gestured to her, that I wished to receive too. She gave me a look with her eyes, which I interpreted as… “Why should I give it to YOU? You look like you can walk”… and she turned away, without giving me Communion. But I reached out, and grabbed her arm gently. She turned back, and gave me Holy Communion… but rather grudgingly, it seemed to me.

Dear Extraordinary Ministers of the Eucharist… please be aware, that OFTEN times… a caregiver can NOT leave the side of the elderly or handicapped. Please do not judge us! If it were possible for me to get in line, and leave my mother alone… I would surely do so. If a caregiver asks for Holy Communion, please assume that it is because they can’t leave the person they are with.

I would be so thankful, to get some responses… especially… from those of you who “usher” at Sunday Mass… and also, Extraordinary Ministers of the Eucharist.

I want to make sure that awareness of the needs of the handicapped and elderly are put as a high priority. Because they certainly ARE a high priority to Our dear Lord.

God bless you all. And thank you for reading my post.

 

[Tabby]

I very much sympathize with the difficulties you experienced. It cannot be easy to get your mother to Mass and tend her needs and yours during the liturgy.

I would like to ask you to consider something though. Why should the ushers and extraordinary ministers of holy Communion be expected to “care for [you and your mother], and make certain that [you] are not hindered, in any way, from fully participating in the Mass”? Why should they be responsible for making sure people don’t “crawl over” your mother? Why should they be expected to know who is a caregiver and that they should give that person Communion too?

My point here is to gently and respectfully suggest that perhaps you are expecting too much from others and not enough from yourself. As your mother’s caregiver, you are responsible for seating her in an area where a bottleneck to the Communion line won’t be created; you are responsible to prevent others from “crawling over” your mother; you are responsible for finding a way to receive Communion when you wish to do so (which may be when you are not accompanying your mother to Mass). Ushers and EMHCs should help whenever possible and should be considerate to those with special needs (and their caregivers), but they cannot be expected to be either caregivers themselves or mindreaders.

I hope this doesn’t come across as harsh, as that is not how I intend it to be. My concern is simply that more and more I see people expecting so much of others, perhaps without realizing that those expectations can sometimes be too high.

 

[MarieVeronica]

Tabby, thank you very much for your response, and I know you mean well. Perhaps I have misunderstood the function of a Sunday Mass usher. Are you saying that the function of a Sunday usher… is PURELY to make sure that everyone is seated? And to ensure that everyone IS seated… it is permissible to ignore the obviously handicapped persons needs? Personally, I wouldn’t dream of climbing over a handicapped person… even if a “well intentioned” usher motioned me to do so.

Just for the record… the area where my mother and I sit… IS designated “handicapped”. Complete with the little blue universal handicapped sign, and at the very back of the church.

I am referring to one usher, allowing late comers to crawl across the lap of an elderly woman who is obviously, severely handicapped. Most of these fine ladies and gentlemen who “usher” ARE extremely sensitive to the needs of the elderly and handicapped. I am witness to their loving compassion Sunday after Sunday. What happened today was unfortunate. But it was also painful. This is why I’ve posted.

I agree with you, in the most general sense… that I am certainly responsible for my mothers special needs. And I do everything in my power, to do just that. But surely… you are not implying that we shouldn’t expect an added measure of Christian compassion during Mass… in our own parish?

I’m sorry, but if that is the general consensus… then I am beginning to understand WHY there is often a lack of concern for the elderly and handicapped.

Your comments are also clear evidence (to me, at least) of the misunderstanding that many caregivers suffer. Until you’ve had to quit your job and change your whole life around, to care for your elderly parent… 100% alone… no assistance from any other family or friends… I would advise that you not judge how much I am “expecting” of myself… or others. You have no way of knowing how much I do, for my mother each and every day. I am very tired, very overworked and very much alone with this task.

I think it is much easier for 4 teen age kids, to walk around the far side of the pew… than to crawl across the lap of an 86 year old handicapped woman. And I don’t think it’s too much to ask for a little extra kindness from members of my own parish. Afterall… we ARE Christians… correct?

God bless.

 

[Tabby]

I hope that I didn’t sound unconcerned about the elderly and handicapped. Certainly I agree with you that care for those with special needs is important. And I am glad that you clarified that you already are seating your mother in a clearly-designated handicapped area. I also agree that others in the pew should be more considerate about getting out of a pew and not attempting to crawl over anyone, much less an elderly lady in a wheelchair. If an usher sees that, he can indeed redirect the Communion line accordingly.

But again, I should reiterate that I believe the bulk of the responsibility is yours. Could you seat your mother at the end of the pew rather than the head of the pew where people will be leaving to enter the Communion line? And then when they return, could you get up and adjust her chair so the communicants can re-enter the pew easily? As for Communion, if an EMHC inadvertently neglects to give you Communion, you could make a spiritual communion. (Catholics need not receive Communion at every Mass they attend.)

At the church I ordinarily attend, pews were removed from the section set aside for the disabled to make the area better accessible to wheelchairs. Chairs, that were installed instead, could then be easily removed and stacked in a corner to make room for as many wheelchair-bound congregants as were in attendance. Perhaps you might suggest this to the pastor as a long-term solution for special-needs congregants.

 

[MarieVeronica]

Could you seat your mother at the end of the pew rather than the head of the pew where people will be leaving to enter the Communion line?

My mother IS seated… in the designated spot, for handicapped. At the end of the pew, so she can receive Holy Communion and not have to rise, to do it. I don’t know what else I can possibly do. She was in her wheelchair, today. But often… is seated in the pew itself… with her aluminum walker.

My point here… was to simply make a plea… to Ushers and Extraordinary Ministers to remind them… of the very special needs of the elderly, the handicapped… and YES… their caregivers (who often, have untold and unnoticed difficulties in getting their “charges” to Mass); thankfully, we have a very loving parish… a wonderful Pastor and MOST of our Ushers and EMC’s are fantastic.

What happened to us this morning was unsual, but painful. I was simply attempting to share the experience… to help others in our situation. If I have raised awareness of the plight of the elderly and handicapped parishoner… then, this thread has been useful.

God bless.

 

[Tabby]

Okay. I apologize if I came off as insensitive or uncaring. And perhaps the idea of suggesting to the pastor that the pews be removed from the handicapped section and moveable, stackable chairs be installed instead may help for a long-term solution. God bless.

 

[jimmy2010]

Dear Marie,

Thank you for sharing with us your difficulties you had at Mass today. I fully agree with you that we should be more sensitive to the elderly and handicapped’s needs at Mass. Perhaps you can speak with the priest to speak with the ushers and extraordinary ministers regarding how they can be more helpful? Since the usher who helped you is new, he might not know both you and your mom’s needs. It might be good to speak with him after Mass if you get a chance.

I’m an Extraordinary Minister of the Eucharist at my church, so will keep this in mind for the future. God bless you for taking care of your mom in her old age. I’ve been to many convalesence homes to see how the elderly wasted away without family members visiting.

God bless!
JL

 

[MarieVeronica]

As for Communion, if an EMHC inadvertently neglects to give you Communion, you could make a spiritual communion. (Catholics need not receive Communion at every Mass they attend.)

The EMHC did not “inadvertently neglect” to give me Holy Communion. She denied it to me, when I motioned for it. Please go back and reread my original post. It was necessary for me to reach out, and grab her arm. Only then… did she condescend, and turned back to give me Communion.

I felt that she had made a “judgement” in her own mind… that I could get UP and get in line. Which I can not do. Hence, the “plea” to EMHC’s… not to judge caregivers. If asked for Holy Communion… please respond.

 

[yellowbird]

I know you are only looking to make others aware, and not for sympathy but I just wanted to tell you that I think you are a wonderful daughter and your Mother is so blessed to have you.

Sometimes I am so stressed out getting my children to mass - I never once considered how difficult it also may be for others. I thank you for your post.

 

[maryj]

On this Sunday celebrating the Holy Family of Jesus, Mary and Joseph I applaud you for your loving concern in getting your mother to Mass on Sundays. May the Lord bless you in ways that are too countless to imagine. Speak to your priest, he will speak with whomever is in charge of your EMHC’s. All the ushers and EMHC at my parish knew that I didn’t leave the side of my mother during Mass, but our handicapped area is directly at the front of the church. Our Pastor even had someone come in and cut away part of the seats in the pews so wheelchairs would be able to be pulled directly into the pews. And again God Bless you for the care you give to your mother.

 

[Tabby]

The EMHC did not “inadvertently neglect” to give me Holy Communion. She denied it to me, when I motioned for it. Please go back and reread my original post. It was necessary for me to reach out, and grab her arm. Only then… did she condescend, and turned back to give me Communion.

I felt that she had made a “judgement” in her own mind… that I could get UP and get in line. Which I can not do. Hence, the “plea” to EMHC’s… not to judge caregivers. If asked for Holy Communion… please respond.

I was speaking in the future tense. I.e., “If this happens in the future…” Given your other concerns, I chose to avoid this point, but since you brought it up again, I’ll say that I think it was poor form for you to grab the EMHC. You could have caused her to drop the ciborium she was carrying and spill our Lord onto the floor. All you needed to do, since you chose to make an issue of it (rather than offer it up in spiritual communion and receive sacramental Communion at another Mass), was to say, “Ma’am, could you please give me Communion too? I’m sorry, but I can’t leave my mother to join the Communion line.”

I should also mention that you’ve thrown around the word “judgment” a lot, presuming that others are judging you; but perhaps you should consider whether you are the one judging others unfairly. I do indeed empathize with the trials of caring for elderly, special-needs parents and other relatives (I’ve had to do that myself, although not alone as you have done). But, while being a caregiver is a difficult job that others should respect and assist wherever possible, it does not mean that you should judge others as “uncaring” or “condescending” when they fail to meet your expectations. Most people want to help, but they need to know help is needed.

God bless.

 

[Salonika]

MarieVeronica:

Dear CAF. I’d like to share a couple things, that happened to my mother and I… this morning, at Mass. This is not a “gripe”… nor is it intended to seek sympathy. I’m just hoping… that through sharing our experience, perhaps I can help others to understand the extreme difficulties that the elderly, the handicapped and their caregivers endure, to attend Mass; and in doing so, to increase awareness of their special needs.

MarieVeronica - and that’s what exactly what you did. I don’t see anything in your post about asking for unnecessary special treatment. I see you as asking for consideration for people with a disability and their caregivers or companions. Nor do I hear you expecting others to take over respsonsibility for your mother at Mass.

However, this morning … we had a new usher. A very nice man, to be sure; but he was not familiar with my mothers “needs”. Because she was seated in her wheelchair…I made an assumption… that he would know, that he shouldn’t allow people to “crawl over” my poor mother.

Seems as if some training was missing - maybe that includes some simulation of such situations to lessen the chances of such incidents. If it was a special service and some people who were ushering who usually don’t - a quick 10 minute talk of the main points would help. Would also make the temporary usher more confident and more able to ask people trying to push past to desist.

As there is an area clearly designated for people with disabilities why put other people who do not designate themsleves as disabled there.

Think sometimes that people think areas for people with disabilities eg car parks are fair game. Have a relative who would be very limited in where he could go without a “disabled” carpark, But often he finds it filled with a vehicle with non mobilty sticker. This makes me both angry and sad.

Dear ushers… please be very vigilant about this. Make sure that you are not allowing late comers, to crawl over handicapped or elderly. It causes them so much distress and even physical pain.

Again should be part of the training of ushers. Okay some people’s disbilites are not evident but it will help. Maybe some fit elderly people will get annoyed at treated as if they have special needs but that, in my view, is preferable to people with disabilities being in discomfort.

The second “issue” was Communion. When our “usual” usher is present, he makes sure that an Extraordinary Minister comes to the back rows and gives Holy Communion to the handicapped. I can not leave my mother alone (due to the Alzheimer’s) and he always makes sure, that I receive Communion, too. Our “usual” usher wasn’t there, today.

Dear Extraordinary Ministers of the Eucharist… please be aware, that OFTEN times… a caregiver can NOT leave the side of the elderly or handicapped… If a caregiver asks for Holy Communion, please assume that it is because they can’t leave the person they are with.

Some more for the training - also it wouldn’t hurt if a person who seems to be a caregiver/with an elderly person is offered communion in the pew. Okay some people might be offended or occasionally someone might not be a caregiver, but that is preferable to someone missing out.

Marie-Veronica - I so admire peole who who care for relatives and other people who have age related diseases such as Alzheimer’s. We should do what we can to make the task easier for you and others.

 

[MarieVeronica]

God bless you for your kind words, and I thank you for your understanding.

 

[the_phoenix]

Today is the Feast of the Holy Family.

You are a very beautiful daughter, VeronicaMarie! :clapping:

Praying for you and your mother.

 

[PatrickJT914]

Hi MarieVeronica,

I’m a former caregiver and companion to my sweet departed Mom (She passed away on 7 June 2007) I’m also a Usher and an EMHC, although not as much anymore since the teens at our Life Teen Mass do those responsibilities. Which I don’t have a problem with it since I am also an adult member of the LT Core Team. In the beginning I helped train the Ushers. Then they went on turn to train the newer ones. But I will remind both groups today before today’s 4:15PM LT Mass.

I really admire your devotion, dedication, care, love, toughness (mental, emotional, & physical), compassion. My the Lord give to you every gift and fruit of the Holy Spirit to continue. May the Lord comfort, ease, bless your Mom. May He give you and your Mom peace.

I see that we are near or in the same Archdiocese. If you need someone to talk to or email. I offer myself. I will pray for you.

Patrick

 

[quiet52]

from MarieVeronica:

However, this morning… we had a new usher. A very nice man, to be sure; but he was not familiar with my mothers “needs”. Because she was seated in her wheelchair… I made an assumption… that he would know, that he shouldn’t allow people to “crawl over” my poor mother. But he did not. Although there was barely enough room for maybe 5 more people in the pew… he allowed NINE people to crawl over her and me, nearly squeezing me out of the end of the pew and into my mothers lap. Thankfully, mother wasn’t in one of her “agitated” moods this morning (which she often is, due to the Alzheimer’s) and she seemed to accept it. So, I sat quietly and said nothing.

When you notice before Mass that your usual ushers aren’t there, please make it a point to talk with the substitute usher(s). They might just be filling in, and not be trained ushers. And no one is a mind-reader.

The second “issue” was Communion. When our “usual” usher is present, he makes sure that an Extraordinary Minister comes to the back rows and gives Holy Communion to the handicapped. I can not leave my mother alone (due to the Alzheimer’s) and he always makes sure, that I receive Communion, too. Our “usual” usher wasn’t there, today. When the Extraordinary Minister brought Communion to my mother. I gestured to her, that I wished to receive too. She gave me a look with her eyes, which I interpreted as… “Why should I give it to YOU? You look like you can walk”… and she turned away, without giving me Communion. But I reached out, and grabbed her arm gently. She turned back, and gave me Holy Communion… but rather grudgingly, it seemed to me.

Again, before Mass, ask the usher to speak with an EMHC. The EMHCs might not even know that you are accompanying your mother, and that you cannot leave her. As for interpreting the EMHC’s “look” – you may be misinterpreting its meaning. Also, please, never ever grab an EMHC’s arm. Doing that might be enough to make the EMHC trip, or somehow lose focus on carrying the Body of Christ. That was an act of disrespect – or at least one lacking basic consideration for our Lord – on your part. Forgive that person, please. You do not know what was going on in his or her mind. Maybe the choir still needed to be served, or maybe the priest had whispered “hurry back” to help him serve Holy Communion in the front of the church. No one is perfect. Again, don’t expect people to be able to read your mind. And don’t try to read the minds and hearts of others.

I want to make sure that awareness of the needs of the handicapped and elderly are put as a high priority. Because they certainly ARE a high priority to Our dear Lord.

Please don’t assume that the parish volunteers don’t want to give a high priority to the handicapped and elderly. Sometimes it’s a matter of now knowing HOW to give it a priority. You as your mother’s caregive need to continue to communicate with those you’d like to serve the two of you.

God bless you all.

You are a blessing too. If only all sons and daughters of the handicapped and elderly were so caring. Thank you for being a model to your fellow parishioners.

 

[MarieVeronica]

Also, please, never ever grab an EMHC’s arm. Doing that might be enough to make the EMHC trip, or somehow lose focus on carrying the Body of Christ. That was an act of disrespect – or at least one lacking basic consideration for our Lord – on your part.

Quiet, thank you very much for your thoughtful reply. Yes, I realize now… that I should not have done this. It was more an “automatic” response to her turning away… than a well-thought-out “you missed me” type of thing. I would rather cut off my arm… than to disrespect Our Lord or cause the Minister to drop the plate. I am horrified at the thought.

It was in pondering, afterwards… why she ignored my gesture of asking for the Eucharist… that I arrived at the conclusion I did. I couldn’t understand… why she would turn away when I had clearly indicated that I wished to receive.

 

[Salonika]

MarieVeronica:

Quiet, thank you very much for your thoughtful reply. Yes, I realize now… that I should not have done this. It was more an “automatic” response to her turning away… than a well-thought-out “you missed me” type of thing. I would rather cut off my arm… than to disrespect Our Lord or cause the Minister to drop the plate. I am horrified at the thought.

It was in pondering, afterwards… why she ignored my gesture of asking for the Eucharist… that I arrived at the conclusion I did. I couldn’t understand… why she would turn away when I had clearly indicated that I wished to receive.

MarieVeronica - think this was a situation where both of you were caught a bit off guard and there wasn’t time for either of you to think through your actions fully.

Hope you won’t do what I sometimes do and fell bad and take all the responsibility for the situation.

Best thing we can do is not repeat the same action if the situation recurs. Hope the Eucharist Minister does the same.

 

[MarieVeronica]

Hope you won’t do what I sometimes do and fell bad and take all the responsibility for the situation.

Best thing we can do is not repeat the same action if the situation recurs. Hope the Eucharist Minister does the same.

Thank you “Salonika”. Being a sensitive and scrupulous soul… this would be my tendency. Your words have helped me greatly. God bless you.

I have learned a lot from this thread, already. I think you are all very wise.

 

[PatrickJT914]

Would you people get off her case! She has enough things to worry about with her Mom. So, again back off! Where is your " Catholic compassion."