Deciding against children

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You should seek counsel from you priest regarding your marriage and its status.

Regarding children, you mention contraception and abortion, both are grave matter against the commandments. As a Catholic there should be no contraception in your marriage. And I am puzzled why “have an abortion” is anywhere in your thought process at all.

I think you have some more fundamental issues to tackle before children.

As far as the reasons you’ve listed, they are all about your selfish desires. So please seek counseling for that. You do have serious issues.
 
It is lonely enough approaching our “twilight years” with only one son, when I see elderly couples when the serious health failures begin and they have no children, no family to be part of that sometimes long and painful end, it is heartbreaking.
 
But would we be considered married at all if these thoughts re divorce/children were pre-wedding?

Sorry if I’m being a bit dense! Thanks for the link and your replies.
 
Is it good enough reason to have children though? If anything, that feels like a selfish reason.
 
We don’t really have marriage issues to be honest. I’m a total commitment-phobe but have committed to him and he has told me that he will go along with my wishes re children as I’m enough for him. I do know he wants children though.

Yes, I’m definitely selfish. I definantly have selfish reasons for not having children. I don’t think that necessarily needs counselling. It’s a quality that I’m working on spiritually.

Re abortion - I worry that would be a knee jerk reaction if I realised it was a huge mistake. I don’t really want to put myself in that position. I keep having dreams that I’m pregnant and it’s such to wake up and realise that I’m not.

I don’t think that the priest was too happy with me when I confessed putting off having children. He did make really good points but obviously he has to follow church teaching. I feel that there are no other child free (by choice) Catholics out there (unless they’re hiding) for obvious reasons. It does make one feel alone.
 
You’re definitely married right now. No question. However, during the annulment process the following would definitely be examined:

“Refusal to have children. One of the goods of marriage is children. A man or woman physically capable of fathering or, respectively, conceiving a child but who intends never to have children may not marry in the Catholic Church.”
 
It is one part of having children. Making a family is not selfish, it is how God created us to live, in family.
 
I believe the right answer is to commit yourself to God and each other by following the Church’s teaching. Just because you stop using contraception doesn’t mean you will have children that day. However God ordained marriage as a unitive and procreative union. Children are a great challenge but a far surpassing blessing compared to something like…traveling. Also having children is not the end of your life. It is a major change but a wonderful beginning to a new and better life. The scriptures and Church teaching are abundantly clear.

http://w2.vatican.va/content/paul-v...ments/hf_p-vi_enc_25071968_humanae-vitae.html

Now that I have said that, to be clear the Church is her divine authority clearly teaches that contraception is prohibited. You should not receive the Eucharist if you are continuing to use it. It sometimes takes strength and courage to say Yes to God, but the reward is immense, and the alternative…bleak to say the least. Pray for Courage and ask the Blessed Virgin Mary to open your heart to God’s will.
 
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Some great thoughts from early Church Fathers:
Catholic Answers - The Purpose of Marriage

Also, this from the Catechism:
The openness to fertility

1652 "By its very nature the institution of marriage and married love is ordered to the procreation and education of the offspring and it is in them that it finds its crowning glory."162

Children are the supreme gift of marriage and contribute greatly to the good of the parents themselves. God himself said: “It is not good that man should be alone,” and “from the beginning [he] made them male and female”; wishing to associate them in a special way in his own creative work, God blessed man and woman with the words: “Be fruitful and multiply.” Hence, true married love and the whole structure of family life which results from it, without diminishment of the other ends of marriage, are directed to disposing the spouses to cooperate valiantly with the love of the Creator and Savior, who through them will increase and enrich his family from day to day.163

1653 The fruitfulness of conjugal love extends to the fruits of the moral, spiritual, and supernatural life that parents hand on to their children by education. Parents are the principal and first educators of their children.164 In this sense the fundamental task of marriage and family is to be at the service of life.165

1654 Spouses to whom God has not granted children can nevertheless have a conjugal life full of meaning, in both human and Christian terms. Their marriage can radiate a fruitfulness of charity, of hospitality, and of sacrifice.
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1664 Unity, indissolubility, and openness to fertility are essential to marriage. Polygamy is incompatible with the unity of marriage; divorce separates what God has joined together; the refusal of fertility turns married life away from its “supreme gift,” the child (GS 50 § 1).
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Prayers for you on your spiritual journey.
:pray:t2::pray:t2::pray:t2:
You’re trying to dicern some really heavy and potentially life-changing issues.
It sounds like your underlying question is the validity of your marriage.
You’d have to consult your priest, for a canon lawyer if you happen to know one.

I don’t have any advice, but I will remember you and your dear husband in my prayers at this challenging time.
❤️
 
All of these things definitely point to something very wrong. A psychological issue, a childhood trauma, something. Getting to the root of your selfishness, your fears, and this desire to be “child free” is important.
 
Latetotheparty said:
I keep having dreams that I’m pregnant and it’s such to wake up and realise that I’m not.
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This is quite worrying to me. I don’t know if the true reason behind you not wanting kids is you simply wanting to live your life like you are now?

Anyway, you are not forced to have children but you do need to be open to life
 
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Latetotheparty said:
I don’t think that the priest was too happy with me when I confessed putting off having children. He did make really good points but obviously he has to follow church teaching. I feel that there are no other child free (by choice) Catholics out there (unless they’re hiding) for obvious reasons. It does make one feel alone.
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As a Catholic, so do you.
 
I think that I need a trip to the emergency room because that was a BURN!
 
Actually I have had a very happy childhood and very close-knit family even now. No psychological traumas. I think it was just how I was made. I don’t ever remember playing with dolls or dreaming about having children and family. I was always playing adventure games and reading about exotic places. To be fair, such a huge amount of women of child-bearing age are opting to not have children for different reasons. It can’t all be down to psychological.
 
Latetotheparty said:
religious reasons
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I was struck by this item appearing in the list of “pros” for following the Catholic teaching on marriage and family. It gives the impression that “religion” is one small element of life that is large enough to be factored into such a list, but does not govern the list.

It reminded me of this graphic I once saw:

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that contrasts ourselves being on the throne of our lives, vs Jesus being on the throne:

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Either He is Lord, or not. If He is Lord, then everything will revolve around and be subjected to Him, including the marriage. Along those lines, this jumped out at me also:
Latetotheparty said:
Also, not to be graphic, I sincerely doubt that we would ever have the willpower to abstain on certain days. We’re much too impulsive for that.
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It leaves the reader thinking that one’s sexual desires are not subjected to the will of God, and that one is held in bondage to them by “impulsivity”, as if His grace was not sufficient to bring about continence.

Perhaps these are the things other posters reference in this thread where it has been stated there are much more serious problems than the validity of marriage and children?

The first illustration above has serious and permanent eternal consequences, as well as the temporal ones listed with it.
 
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Thanks for your thoughtful post. I don’t think that you can say that there are serious problems in a relationship because a couple choose not to have children. It’s not fair to say that as I am unsure about whether to have children, I must have an unhappy marriage/problems in my marriage.

Yes, I’ll admit that I am scared of commitment but I did make that commitment to my husband. We actually have a very loving and happy marriage. I have no intentions to divorce/annul him (think my curious question got a few wires crossed there).

It just doesn’t feel like anything is missing in our lives. He is enough for me and I’m enough for him. Maybe if I did feel something missing, I would want to fill it with children. He does want children but is willing to not have any for me.

Millions of couples choose/can’t have children and they have valid and happy relationships. It does become more difficult when religion is factored in. If god/Catholicism wasn’t important to me, I wouldn’t even be contemplating the morality of my situation ( which I haven’t for 10 years!).
 
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Contraceptives are immoral and not allowed.

All of the “marital acts” must be ordered to be “open to life”.

God bless. Trust in Him to know what is right for you.
 
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I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a woman not wanting kids. But the fact that it’s a fear and you’re having dreams about it…?

And I don’t think you have problems because of you not having kids. It’s the fact that you’re bringing up divorce/annulments (at least you cleared that up) and the fact that you feel Nfp would affect your marriage. It doesn’t show that you have a ride or die marriage. We obviously don’t know the details so I’m sorry if it sounds judgemental.

First of all, I would advise you to talk about religion with your husband. Get a rough gauge of where he’s at. Focus on your faith, have a deeper prayer life, read up on the faith etc. I think it would be easier to dive into this topic after you have done so. I can imagine someone telling you to stop using contraception can be crazy if you’re technically kind of new to this.

Edit: have you listened to Jennifer Fulwiler’s talk on her conversion story (not sure if I spelled it right). She talks about contraception a bit (she had a life threatening health problem). But idk I personally think watching videos here and there can make this easier in the meantime
 
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