Deciding against children

[LundyLund]

Your situation doesn’t sound that different than mine. I married in the Church, and while my wife and I wanted kids, it was more of a “some time down the line” thing.

After being married 5 years, my wife started pushing for kids. I wasn’t too excited about the idea, as I enjoyed the lifestyle we lived, and was concerned that life would change for the worse, and I would resent my kid(s) for it. I decided to go for it, anyway, and now have two kids. As I look back on it, I can’t believe I ever had a concern. Life is so much better with kids than it was without.

Jesus calls us to become the servants of all, and to carry our crosses. That means we have to die to ourselves, and our own selfish nature. We are in holy week, so it’s an especially good time to reflect on carrying our own crosses, our own crucifixion and resurrection. I find my new life with kids far exceeds my old life (which was great!). I hope you figure out where your called to go.

 

[alice24]

We don’t really have marriage issues to be honest. I’m a total commitment-phobe but have committed to him and he has told me that he will go along with my wishes re children as I’m enough for him. I do know he wants children though.

Don´t feel offended please, but this soungs like a box of explosive.
You are commitment phobe? Not a good marriage starting point. I don´t know if you realise that your marriage vow is the lifelong commitment you fear and therefore see only in marriages where children are involved.
“You are enough for me” sounds like he had the fear to loose you and because of this maybe told you and him he will not need more instead of you. This may be a problem in the future, as his wish could get stronger. I remember myself first being anti-children, then being insecure if I want them, now wanting them. If I married in the state of “maybe”, it would be difficult now.
For me, a marriage should be open to children, what means also being open for a spouses wish for children.

 

[pianistclare]

Indeed. Being a commitment-phobe is the issue. You are viewing children as a chore, a thing you must do, a weight around your neck.

In broad terms, mothers rarely think of themselves first. I agree with 1ke.
It’s not a burn based on what the OP has already posted about her thoughts on the matter.

God is not nearly as harsh as sometimes perceived. He equips us fora ll kinds of reality.
Trust God.
Those who do, find great peace of mind and much love.

 

[Latetotheparty]

You have hit the nail on the head. I think the crux of the matter is I do view it as a burden, something I have to do. I was even thinking that I could have a baby, get through 18 years and then get back to doing what I want to do. Not a healthy way to look at it. Some more praying is in order, I think.

Thanks for all the replies. It’s given me real food for thought over the whole issue. Particularly being self sacrificing in my marriage (as my husband is being). He is pretty much the only thing that I have permanently committed so I should trust in God that he put us together for a higher reason.

Thanks again to all the posters.

 

[Betuchan]

Reading your posts are like reading my own thoughts.

I also thought “I need to do it (out of duty to Gods will and not my own) and just get through 18 years.” (Although i realise this won’t be the case as life can change in seconds and hubby or i could be dead/any other life changing thing by then.)

I am both selfish and scared. I too had a dream that i was pregnant and when i awoke was relieved.

Posters, I understand the need to act as Gods voice for the truth, but you cant know whats in someones mind/life and say that they must be selfish/have psychological problems/not be normal to not want kids.

My fear has many sides, I am selfish but this comes out of the fact that no matter what people say kids are HARD and I have some pretty bad anxieties.

My father was very sick in my late childhood and I endured an unstable upbringing from that point with a lot of emotional stress. Its probably why I cant cope with stress now and have anxiety. And kids are a gift but you would be lying if you said children were NOT stressful on a daily basis.

Also I have delayed sleep phase disorder. It means I CAN NOT, no matter what I do, achieve sleep before a certain time (in my case 12am to 1am is the earliest I can fall asleep). It is a problem with my circadian rhythm and unlike normal peoples can not be reset or made to fit in with “normal time”. This has affected me my whole life and I have suffered immensly through highschool and my job for the last 10 years. My job is shift work so early starts are terrible but late starts mean i feel more normal. A baby and child for 18 years will mean i will never ever get another night of proper sleep again. New mums who felt sleep depriped or anyone who has been jet lagged; Imagine this was your life for 18 years with NO break. That is what kids will mean for me. No matter how much of a gift they are, expecting someone to be this level of sleep deprived is torture (sleep deprivation is used as torture!) And to add, I have reached my limit with my job. I cant physically do it any more with the sleep deprivation (and mind you this is half the time being sleep deprived not full time).

Then the last problem-i have a heart condition, whilst not usually life threatening (SVT /abnornally fast heartbeat-around 200bpm when having an attack) but pregnancy is known to worsen it. I am selfish because i am scared and don’t want to go through it. Theres a chance i could fix it (a procedure) but that could also destroy my heart and i would need a pacemaker.

Despite all this i have just resigned myself to “i just have to do it” and let God deal with it. The thing is I am almost certain I will have a baby and I will be sad/sleep deprived/resentful/stressed beyond what I can cope with but its just what I have to do. I don’t feel like it is fair to the baby but I also feel I have no choice as it isn’t my decision to make.

I do enjoy my life right now, I am not working and not having to cope as much with the stresses and problems I did before. Is it really wrong to be so burnt out and to finally have some respite and not really want to willingly put myself in a position of suffering again?

OP you arent alone

 

[guanophore]

I don’t think that you can say that there are serious problems in a relationship because a couple choose not to have children.

I think you are right. I think this points more to a problem in the relationship each has with God, and where God is in the relationship. A marriage that is not open to life is not a Catholic marriage, but that does not mean it has “serious problems”.

Yes, I’ll admit that I am scared of commitment but I did make that commitment to my husband. We actually have a very loving and happy marriage. I have no intentions to divorce/annul him (think my curious question got a few wires crossed there).

I don’t think it came across as there was an intention to divorce, just the fact that it is included in a list of possibilities reveals that there is not a Catholic world view. it is not uncommon to have fear of commitment not just when it comes to marriage and children. Jesus says that perfect love casts out all fear, so the solution to fear so to go deeper into His perfect love.

It just doesn’t feel like anything is missing in our lives. He is enough for me and I’m enough for him. Maybe if I did feel something missing, I would want to fill it with children. He does want children but is willing to not have any for me.

I see your point, but children are actually an overflow of the love between their parents, just as we are created out of God’s love. It is not as though God felt something “missing” to create us.

Millions of couples choose/can’t have children and they have valid and happy relationships. It does become more difficult when religion is factored in.

Yes, of course. What caught my attention was “religion factored in”. This seems to describe “religion” as one of a great many values, interests, practices of a person. The difference between “religion factored in” and living as a Christian is that Christ is the Center of live, so that everything else is “factored in” to Christ, rather than the other way around.

If god/Catholicism wasn’t important to me, I wouldn’t even be contemplating the morality of my situation ( which I haven’t for 10 years!).

I commend your reflections on this, and will pray that you discover the true meaning of discipleship.