Decision Time.

[LorilopezInneed]

I just don’t know what to do. My husband and i Have been through therapy numerous times. He only goes until he can get me off his back about it.

Here’s are hamster wheel life right now. We both work full time. He typically cooks dinner because he gets home before I do and he likes cooking. I clean. We both open a bottle of wine at dinner and drink a bottle and sometimes a bit of another. Every night. Then after I get our son to sleep, I have to work on my book that it my husband thinks will soon make us millionaires.

He keeps pushing me to finish it so we can “be rich”. I am currently going through an individual bankruptcy because our crazy spending in the past has caught up with us. He always wanted the big house, cars etc and I went along with it. So now I am filing individually… And going through the process alone. He hasn’t attended any of the meetings or helped with any of the paperwork.

So I work full time. Come home for dinner. Spend couple hrs w our son… Drink too much and write a book that I pray will bring in more money.

I just can’t do it all anymore. I didn’t want to file bankruptcy… And asked him to pick up extra work. He threatened to get an overnight job sweeping floors at Walmart. (even though he is a smart man and has a corporate day job). It was an empty threat. When I called him on it… He just said “what do you want me to do?”.

I am on the verge of leaving… I just feel so alone. We never have sex. But he cooks… Irons etc. he is a good dad … When he’s around.

What would you do?

 

[St_Francis]

The most important thing to do is to pray.

When I got that advice when my family was in a somewhat similar situation, I was like, You don’t understand!!! I need to *do *something!!! Now, many years later, I understand that praying is doing something, and it is calling in the Most Powerful Helper and Advisor I can find!

Recently, my family and I prayed a 54-day Novena. Our outer circumstances did not change at all, but our inner circumstances did, and we all improved a great deal in our ability to pray. Prayer is like learning a musical instrument: you have to do the hard *work *of practicing so as to improve in your ability, and you will get better at praying, and it will help your inner life also.

 

[St_Francis]

I just don’t know what to do. My husband and i Have been through therapy numerous times. He only goes until he can get me off his back about it.

Here’s are hamster wheel life right now. We both work full time. He typically cooks dinner because he gets home before I do and he likes cooking. I clean. We both open a bottle of wine at dinner and drink a bottle and sometimes a bit of another. Every night. Then after I get our son to sleep, I have to work on my book that it my husband thinks will soon make us millionaires.

Quit or limit your wine intake.

He keeps pushing me to finish it so we can “be rich”. I am currently going through an individual bankruptcy because our crazy spending in the past has caught up with us. He always wanted the big house, cars etc and I went along with it. So now I am filing individually… And going through the process alone. He hasn’t attended any of the meetings or helped with any of the paperwork.

I am surprised that you can declare bankruptcy on your own since you are married…

So I work full time. Come home for dinner. Spend couple hrs w our son… Drink too much and write a book that I pray will bring in more money.

I just can’t do it all anymore. I didn’t want to file bankruptcy… And asked him to pick up extra work. He threatened to get an overnight job sweeping floors at Walmart. (even though he is a smart man and has a corporate day job). It was an empty threat. When I called him on it… He just said “what do you want me to do?”.

Tell him where the Walmart HR department is and that when he starts his second job, you will resume yours.

I am on the verge of leaving… I just feel so alone. We never have sex. But he cooks… Irons etc. he is a good dad … When he’s around.

What would you do?

Look into Retrouvaille, a program for Catholic married couples, or get back on his back about counseling.

Get some financial counseling or go through a program to get expectations in line with income. On your own if need be. Maybe before you finish the bankruptcy papers so you have a better idea of your options.

Another thing to consider is how much you are spending to work. For example, a lot of women who have to pay day care as well as everything else find that in the end they are making very little money over what they are spending to work: transportation/parking, extra on convenience foods and eating out (all meals!), clothing, etc. Do a cost-benefit analysis on your work and see if it is really worth it.

Can you downsize at all wrt cars and house? Sell anything and buy on a smaller scale? Re-do your mortgage payments to reflect equity in your house, re-do car insurance to reflect their age?

And check out the Faith and Finances forum for more hints on reducing expenditures.

Remember too that your husband is probably feeling stressed about all this as well; it’s just that he seems to be handling it in a way that doesn’t mesh well with the way you are handling it.

 

[LorilopezInneed]

I am disappointed to read that you would stereotype women to have a job that’s “not worth it”. I am the breadwinner. Without my salary… We would be no where…

He will not downsize. He says backing out of our cars and house “doesn’t make sense”.

Quit or limit your wine intake.

I am surprised that you can declare bankruptcy on your own since you are married…

Tell him where the Walmart HR department is and that when he starts his second job, you will resume yours.

Look into Retrouvaille, a program for Catholic married couples, or get back on his back about counseling.

Get some financial counseling or go through a program to get expectations in line with income. On your own if need be. Maybe before you finish the bankruptcy papers so you have a better idea of your options.

Another thing to consider is how much you are spending to work. For example, a lot of women who have to pay day care as well as everything else find that in the end they are making very little money over what they are spending to work: transportation/parking, extra on convenience foods and eating out (all meals!), clothing, etc. Do a cost-benefit analysis on your work and see if it is really worth it.

Can you downsize at all wrt cars and house? Sell anything and buy on a smaller scale? Re-do your mortgage payments to reflect equity in your house, re-do car insurance to reflect their age?

And check out the Faith and Finances forum for more hints on reducing expenditures.

Remember too that your husband is probably feeling stressed about all this as well; it’s just that he seems to be handling it in a way that doesn’t mesh well with the way you are handling it.

 

[St_Francis]

I am disappointed to read that you would stereotype women to have a job that’s “not worth it”. I am the breadwinner. Without my salary… We would be no where…

When my 2 oldest were little, we had financial difficulties like yours. I looked into it, and after paying for day care and all the expenses of working, my children would have been in daycare for 50 hours/week and I would have made, after expenses, $200/month–one dollar for each hour my children were away from their parents and one dollar for every hour I was either at work or going to and fro.

It was not worth it. Not because I am a woman, not because of the nature of the job, none of that. It just simply was not enough money to make enough of a difference to justify my being away from home.

Now, you said that your husband is a smart man who works at a corporate job. Does he not make any money? How is it that you call yourself the breadwinner? Is it that he makes much less than you do? If so, then do the cost/benefit analysis on *his *job. Is it worth it for him to be working, what with the daycare and dry-cleaning and suits, etc?

We would be no where…

I read your original post–where exactly are you?

He will not downsize. He says backing out of our cars and house “doesn’t make sense”.

That particular solution might not make sense. But the reality is that *something *has to break, and from what you wrote in your first post, it will be you. Is there *any *area in your life where you can cut down? I would imagine that 2 bottles of wine each night costs at least $10/day, that’s $300/month that you could otherwise be putting towards your bills.

Going by what you have written here, it seems that the two of you are facing a lot of financial problems. He is relying on your writing a book and having it take off–which unless you have published other books which are fairly popular is *very *unlikely–to get the two of you out of those financial difficulties. This is unrealistic.

Given the nature of the internet, the limited amount of information that can be transmitted this way, etc., you will get limited advice and sometimes it won’t fit with your actual problem. What you two really need to do is to *both *sit down with people who know what they are talking about and sort out your problems in person with people who can ask appropriate questions and see what’s really going on.

 

[bluerose]

Then after I get our son to sleep, I have to work on my book that it my husband thinks will soon make us millionaires.

He keeps pushing me to finish it so we can “be rich”.

Drink too much and write a book that I pray will bring in more money.

Forgive me if I don’t sound particularly encouraging, but just how much do you and your husband know about the publishing business?

There is nothing “soon” about the publishing business and unless you’re the next J.K. Rowling, Suzanne Collins, John Grisham or James Patterson, “millionaire” is not a word commonly used to describe published authors. Believe me, I know several who publish best-selling books annually and either live very modestly or have a full-time “day job”.

Unless you’re willing to consider writing as another full-time (or even part-time job), you might be better off trying to win the lottery.

And cut out the daily bottle of wine. It’s too expensive (I don’t care how cheap the brand is) and it’s not helping matters. Water’s cheap and way better for you and if you’re going to be a writer, you need a clear head for that.

 

[Xantippe]

“He will not downsize. He says backing out of our cars and house “doesn’t make sense”.”

Make sense how? Does he understand that you are at the end of your rope and your earning ability can’t keep up with his shopping urges? In fact, that that’s what the bankruptcy means? You have reached the end of the financial road. Some basic (but hard to follow) advice:

1. Stop drinking and maybe seek counseling/support for that. It looks like you’re both self-medicating.
2. Find a non-commissioned financial counselor (an actual financial counselor, not a salesman for financial products) that you can go to regularly (monthly?) for accountability. Do a monthly budget with your husband and stick to it. Spend less than you make every month (barring unemployment or disability). Don’t borrow (and anyway, you’d get terrible interest rates with your credit history). Don’t buy anything (except maybe a house) unless you have the cash in hand. Pay off debt and save money. Dave Ramsey’s Baby Steps are a good plan:

daveramsey.com/new/baby-steps/

It’s going to be hard to budge your husband, but one possible piece of leverage you have is that you could refuse to work your second job (the writing) until he cooperates with budget, spending, etc.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I just don’t know what to do. My husband and i Have been through therapy numerous times. He only goes until he can get me off his back about it.

Here’s are hamster wheel life right now. We both work full time. He typically cooks dinner because he gets home before I do and he likes cooking. I clean. We both open a bottle of wine at dinner and drink a bottle and sometimes a bit of another. Every night. Then after I get our son to sleep, I have to work on my book that it my husband thinks will soon make us millionaires.

He keeps pushing me to finish it so we can “be rich”. I am currently going through an individual bankruptcy because our crazy spending in the past has caught up with us. He always wanted the big house, cars etc and I went along with it. So now I am filing individually… And going through the process alone. He hasn’t attended any of the meetings or helped with any of the paperwork.

So I work full time. Come home for dinner. Spend couple hrs w our son… Drink too much and write a book that I pray will bring in more money.

I just can’t do it all anymore. I didn’t want to file bankruptcy… And asked him to pick up extra work. He threatened to get an overnight job sweeping floors at Walmart. (even though he is a smart man and has a corporate day job). It was an empty threat. When I called him on it… He just said “what do you want me to do?”.

I am on the verge of leaving… I just feel so alone. We never have sex. But he cooks… Irons etc. he is a good dad … When he’s around.

What would you do?

I forgot you were “that poster.” The one whose husband wants her to write the next, “50 Shades of Grey.” Yet he never wants sex with you, under any circumstances.

You blame him for everything, but he can’t make you write the book. “NO” is a complete sentence.

Personally, I’d ask him to leave at this point. But counseling would be my absolute minimum, and if we didn’t start counseling in 2 weeks or less, out he would go until such time as he straightened out and stopped wanting me to write porn books.

 

[LorilopezInneed]

Yep. I just finished a book last night and he read thru it and told me certain areas needed hotter sex scenes. Yep.

To answer about the publishing part… I have written ebooks. 2 have don’t well. 500 a month of passive income. It definitely helps … Like a part time income. But constantly writing after working all day… Is just tough to do.

I want to get us out of debt too but I just can’t handle all of the responsibility.

He’s not spending gobs of cash anymore… We just can’t afford the bills of our past.

I just feel alone. I’m scared to leave. Scared of what that will do for our son. But he doesn’t understand the ramifications of our lifestyle.

 

[St_Francis]

Yep. I just finished a book last night and he read thru it and told me certain areas needed hotter sex scenes. Yep.

He’s having you write erotic stuff

I must sincerely apologize because I did not realize all that was going on with you. I agree with The Real Juliane, except that I would speak with a lawyer first so I could make a clean break if it comes to that.

 

[LorilopezInneed]

Do you believe it’s a sin to write that type of book?

It is worrisome. I guess even more so… That I’m asking HOW bad.

 

[St_Francis]

Do you believe it’s a sin to write that type of book?

It is worrisome. I guess even more so… That I’m asking HOW bad.

I haven’t read anything you’ve written, so I don’t know more about it than what has been described here, so I can’t comment on your specific writing. But consider the following questions:

Why does that sort of writing sell?

Why do people read it?

Would you want your children, when they are older, to read these writings of yours? If not, why not?

 

[LorilopezInneed]

This sells because it has lots of sexual descriptions/scenes.

No I wouldn’t want my son to read it.

In fact, it impacts my brain … And emotions while writing it.

 

[St_Francis]

This sells because it has lots of sexual descriptions/scenes.

No I wouldn’t want my son to read it.

In fact, it impacts my brain … And emotions while writing it.

So it sounds like you are not comfortable yourself reading/writing it. It may be time to discuss all this with a priest, maybe go to Confession, no? Remember that you do not have to provide more than a general idea of the sins committed and their frequency for confession itself, but if you want to discuss your situation at greater length with the priest, then you might want to make an appointment.

I’ll pray for you, Lori.

 

[LorilopezInneed]

Thanks, Lori. I am just so scared of making a mistake but I think even my Christian counselor is wondering why I deal with some of this stuff. And he doesn’t even know about the books.

• He wants me to write erotica because it sells.* We were so broke – I reluctantly agreed to look into it.* Well, I recognized it’s easy money.* So I told him I would if we told NO ONE.
  I discovered on a text message he told one of my old coworkers that I was writing “smut”.* When I confronted him he denied it.*

So now my book is about done and he read it and said it needed to be hotter.** I’m Catholic and really struggling with that.** I feel bad.* I know it even impacts my* own emotions while writing it.* He truly thinks I’m going to make thousands of dollars a month with it. I have a “normal” ebook that brings in a few hundred a month…already. But, he thinks it’s my “exit” from corporate life –
*
We don’t have a good sex life.* In fact, he’s very selfish.* He also wants nothing to do with downsizing.* He cooks and cleans – is a decent father.* But,* he is NEVER there for me when I need him to be.*
*
Again – we’ve been through therapy.* He changes for a little while and then we always come back to the same issue. *
*
I’m considering leaving.* But, I’m really scared* to go out on my own.* Maybe I’m just too picky?*
*
I pray that someone can help me.** I just feel like it’s do or die – now or never for me.** I’m in the middle of bankruptcy…now would be the time to file…if I do.*

 

[St_Francis]

Thanks, Lori.

I am Annie; sorry, I can see that was confusing.

I am just so scared of making a mistake but I think even my Christian counselor is wondering why I deal with some of this stuff. And he doesn’t even know about the books.

Even a Christian counselor will lean towards divorce in this day and age if the counselor is not Catholic, and sometimes even if they are

• He wants me to write erotica because it sells.* We were so broke – I reluctantly agreed to look into it.* Well, I recognized it’s easy money.* So I told him I would if we told NO ONE.
  I discovered on a text message he told one of my old coworkers that I was writing “smut”.* When I confronted him he denied it.*

So now my book is about done and he read it and said it needed to be hotter.** I’m Catholic and really struggling with that.** I feel bad.* I know it even impacts my* own emotions while writing it.* He truly thinks I’m going to make thousands of dollars a month with it. I have a “normal” ebook that brings in a few hundred a month…already. But, he thinks it’s my “exit” from corporate life –

I am glad that what is currently bringing in money for you is “normal.” That means you will be able to keep that up with a clear conscience.

We don’t have a good sex life. In fact, he’s very selfish.* He also wants nothing to do with downsizing.* He cooks and cleans – is a decent father.* But,* he is NEVER there for me when I need him to be.*

Could you live with this if the other problems were resolved? Could you be grateful for his help and being a good father and just maybe rely on girl friends for support?

Again – we’ve been through therapy. He changes for a little while and then we always come back to the same issue. *
*
I’m considering leaving.* But, I’m really scared* to go out on my own.* Maybe I’m just too picky?*
*
I pray that someone can help me.** I just feel like it’s do or die – now or never for me.** I’m in the middle of bankruptcy…now would be the time to file…if I do.*

This is what I would suggest: make an appointment with a financial counselor, preferably one who is a man. Your husband will probably be able to deal with what a man says to him better. Make all the arrangements for a sitter, etc., then tell your husband that the two of you have this appointment. Remind him a few times on the way if you think that would be helpful, even if only by saying things like, I hope the counselor will be able to help us.

If you have time, make a list of all your expenditures through the month. Put them in two lists: one essential, one non-essential. Your mortgage goes in the first column, restaurants and wine go in the second.

See how your husband reacts to the financial counselor’s advice, and get him to make a firm commitment.

And tell your husband that you will no longer be writing this type of trash and you want to toss what you’ve done and start over with something “normal.” And that you won’t do that until he starts his second job.

---

Right now, leaving your husband seems like a way to make things easier in your life, but I would not leave him unless it becomes *absolutely necessary. ***Given the limited amount I know, **I think that things could improve between the two of you. You took vows to stay with him through richer and poorer, through better and worse. Well, this is the “worse” part, but your children need him, and they will continue to do so, so if he can clean up his act where money is concerned, and you can live without his being there for you (and few men really are the way women are there for each other, not because men are jerks or anything, but because they are just wired completely differently!).

And the thing is, if you two can get through this together, things will improve between the two of you. You have nowhere to go but up, as they say.

Pray the Rosary every night, making a 54-Day Rosary Novena really helped me in a lot of different ways! will help *you. *I cannot tell you how much this will help, and I know that prayer seems like a non-action when you want action (if you are like me!), but it will help in unexpected ways.

 

[Patavium]

Lori,

You need prayer in your life. Would you consider joining a Novena or a rosary group at Church?

You need to talk to your Priest, and tell him all, and look for counseling.

Stop writing the erotic book… Please… You don’t know how harmful that is. I used to read such content and it lead me to worst sins. It is a door to the Evil one. Don’t become responsible for the downfall of your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

 

[LorilopezInneed]

I agree with you. You are right.

I also want to say that … Since I am filing for bankruptcy, the attorney told me we (I) must reduce my lease by at least 700 a month.

My husband doesn’t want to move again (who does) and suggested that I rent a place for a few months… So I can pretend to have a new lease that fits the lease payment.

So that is what I’m being faced with.

 

[Xantippe]

"I also want to say that … Since I am filing for bankruptcy, the attorney told me we (I) must reduce my lease by at least 700 a month.

“My husband doesn’t want to move again (who does) and suggested that I rent a place for a few months… So I can pretend to have a new lease that fits the lease payment.”

That’s got to be the worst personal finance idea I’ve ever heard, and I’ve heard some pretty bad ones.

This bankruptcy is going to be a terrible experience, but it is also an opportunity. Can you get your husband into the lawyer’s office and have the lawyer explain to him why the fake lease idea is a bad one, and why it is necessary for you to cut back? You’re not declaring bankruptcy just for the heck of it. You’re doing it because you are in terrible financial distress. People in terrible financial distress do not rent unneeded housing. You need that money.

Also, now that I think of it, make sure that your bankruptcy covers enough of your debts. Don’t reaffirm anything that is burdensome (car loans, etc.). It would probably be better to not declare bankruptcy, if at all possible, but if you’re going to do it, do it right. Throw it all overboard, or don’t do it at all.

 

[LorilopezInneed]

Yes I see what you mean. Just get a plan together.

And just when I start thinking about trying to get him to see the light… I get bombarded with texts today. “I came home to find the dog had 2 accidents”.
(which turned out to be water)

“I need a drink.”. “this day is the worst”.

He left work at 4 and said he couldn’t get to our son’s soccer practice because it took him 2.5 hours to run an errand and go to the cleaners. He went on and on about how he hit traffic. Yada Yada…

He is just so negative. Childlike sometimes.