Decision Time.

[LorilopezInneed]

Also… This isn’t just about money. These kinds of things happen all the time. For example, he told me last night that We had to bring the snacks for the soccer team today. We have a friend staying in town. So, he said he would get up in the morning and get the snacks while I entertained our guest. I said great! So he came home from the store and told me that he forgot the snacks. Only got the drinks. He
asked me and our guest to go to the store and get the snacks while he showers. Then my mom called and told me my grandfather was about to take his last breathe and told me to say goodbye to him over the phone. I was shell shocked. So I did… And then got off the phone gathered my thoughts and got ready for the store and soccer.

So me and our guest left for the store and my husband went to the game with our son. He started texting me saying “where are you?”. “it’s almost half time!”. We were hurrying!

Then he texted “we need the snacks now!!!”. So I respond and say we are parking…

As soon as I say that he texts back “false alarm. You aren’t late”.

We literally almost got into an accident trying to get there FOR HIM!

And oh yeah… My grandfather died. It’s like WTF???

 

[Cat]

I’ve written several novels, none of which sell enough to make any kind of substantial income.

They are teen novels, very decent and totally appropriate for Christians to read.

My husband ENCOURAGES me to write, and creates circumstances in our home that make it possible for me to write (e.g., makes sure that the computer has good writing software, doesn’t demand that our house be perfectly clean, helps with a lot of the household work to free up my time, etc.) He loves my stories and tells me so often.

But he doesn’t DEMAND that I write. To me, that’s abusive.

And even though we hope that someday one of my novels or screenplays will sell well and make a lot of money, we don’t live our lives with this expectation.

It sounds to me like you are both trying to live on dreams. You both need to wake up and start living in real life. Start today, now, as soon as you finish reading this post.

My personal feeling about your situation is that you should stop the wine and the writing entirely, beginning today. These are activities that are allowing both you and your husband to avoid real life and talking about real solutions to your problems.

Spend the next few weeks in the evenings talking with your husband about your situation. I have the feeling you will need to do this in the presence of a counselor or at least a mediator, someone to keep things on track. I would expect quite a lot of bad stuff to come out in these talks, since you and your husband will have to wake up and smell the coffee, and that coffee is rotten after being neglected for so long.

I know that there are credit counselling services that are free or accept a fee based on a sliding scale. Others can probably give you the names of these organizations. You will probably need to make use of these organizations to help you climb out of debt. You could make used of some of Dave Ramsay’s materials to help you with debt, but I think he’s kind of extreme, and that his stuff works best with couples who have strong marriages and healthy emotional/mental states. But I could be wrong–you need to get SOMETHING going to help you straighten out your finances and stop thinking that the pot of gold is right around the corner. The pot of gold does not exist.

Do NOT declare bankruptcy. As long as you both have decent jobs, and as long as there is no overwhelming cataclysmic disaster (both of you have cancer, your house blew away in a hurricane, your cars were stolen by bandits, and your children are incorrigible), there is no need. The reason you are in financial trouble is that you both spend too much–pure and simple and you must face up to this and stop trying to get out of it by declaring bankruptcy.

Bankruptcy is wrong–to deprive your creditors of their income because you are too caught up in fantasy to work to actually pay them what you owe them. You need to accept your responsibilities, be honorable, and PAY THEM BACK WHAT YOU OWE. Don’t try to weasel out of your duty. You brought this on, now you pay it back. Be grownups and be real.

I suggest that you both adopt some kind of philosophy that you will both “Be real.” Everything in your lives must be solid and real, not fantasy or dream or feelings.

Good luck to you both.

 

[St_Francis]

I agree with you. You are right.

I also want to say that … Since I am filing for bankruptcy, the attorney told me we (I) must reduce my lease by at least 700 a month.

My husband doesn’t want to move again (who does) and suggested that I rent a place for a few months… So I can pretend to have a new lease that fits the lease payment.

So that is what I’m being faced with.

So your husband wants you to write smut and lie on your legal forms.

Have you made any appointments yet? Have you gone to Confession? Have you called a marriage counselor? Have you found a financial counselor?

Do you have any vacation days saved up at work? Take one or two and get going on the things you *need *to do.

And start praying!!! Take 20 minutes each day and pray the Rosary, take another 15 minutes and read a little from the Bible. At first, it will seem distracting and you will be distracted; it will seem like hard work and strange, but I assure you that if you continue sincerely to do those two things, you will feel better.

If you need a Rosary, pm me and I will send you one.

Being a Christian is not all about “being nice.” Christ Himself overturned the tables in the temple, and called the Pharisees whited selpuchres–not a compliment! St Nicholas (Santa Claus!) punched the heretic Arius in the nose. Many saints have made many people uncomfortable and even angry with them–angry enough to roast them over fires and other awful things.

And no one, *absolutely no one, *has the authority to tell you to do something immoral. We wives are supposed to be submissive to our husbands, but our husbands are supposed to love us *as Christ loved His Church, for Which he died! *

 

[LorilopezInneed]

I have tried to get my husband to a financial counselor. He says that he doesn’t want to pay someone money… To tell him that we are broke. So, I went on my own.

Same with therapy… I have been going to therapy. And believe it or not… I have gotten stronger. But, I’m not 100 percent obviously.

I don’t mean to imply my husband is shoving my nose down and demanding I write these books. He’s not. But he does pressure me by asking and making suggestions. For example, I nearly finished my latest book And he read it and made some notes about the changes he suggested. Most revolving around the sex. When I didn’t immediately incorporate his ideas… He made sarcastic comments like “what… You hate my suggestions?”. “I get it… You don’t want to hear my thoughts. I’m not an author”. He said these things calmly but with a sarcastic bite to let me know he’s serious.

He has a way of controlling me without saying much at all.

He tells our son that “mommy is going to make us millions and we will get that ---- as soon as her books take off.”.

It’s a lot to put on me. Especially, when he won’t help out with any additional work.

He texts me and tells me how proud he is of me… That my writing is going to take off and life is going to be so much better. So he appears supportive… But someone I end up rolling my eyes (not in his face) and wishing I could be married to someone else.

 

[Patavium]

Lori,

I am sorry, but that is not supportive.

Supportive is not leading you to OFFEND Jesus Christ.

Supportive is not to tell you to turn off reality and live in Dream World…

Supportive? No. He is not supportive.

Supportive is going to Financial counseling, Marriage Counseling, Spending less, Take additional work, etc…

 

[The_Bucket]

You both need serious help and I don’t know if getting help together is even the right idea. Coercing your wife to write pornographic novels is morally repugnant to anyone. Even people who are fine with pornography from a moral perspective would almost certainly find one spouse basically forcing another to write erotica to be repulsive and abusive. That’s because it is.

But you need to make a call here. This guy is obviously being abusive. I should know. That biting tone that drives you crazy? I used to do that. All the time. I made my wife think there was something really wrong with her and that I didn’t like being married to her. Why? Because I was hooked on porn, that’s why. I hated myself and so I passive-aggressively took it out on her.

These behaviors you’re describing sound like where I’d be in a few years if I didn’t change my life around. Minus the whole forcing my wife to write erotica stuff. But the manipulative behavior. The additional pressure to bring in more money. The absolute certainty that if we just make a few more bucks my anxiety will be gone and everyone will be happy. It’s all a gigantic lie that Satan spins and then our minds rip into overdrive.

I don’t know how much you got sucked in, participated with this insanity willingly or were manipulated. I can’t know that. What I can say is that the relationship you and your husband have is not normal. It’s sick.

 

[LorilopezInneed]

He just doesnt see anything wrong with it, obviously. But this is the same guy who is using our son’s savings account to pay for his Catholic tuition. He didn’t want him to do a public school … (I agreed but I was realistic) so he aid that he would ask his parents. They didn’t come through with all the money… So he’s using our son’s savings.

When I suggested pulling him out… He told me our son has changed schools far too much ( he moved mid year last year when we moved to a new state).

 

[The_Bucket]

Look, this is going to be blunt and probably going to sting, but it needs to be said.

Neither of you are making rational decisions. You just aren’t. He’s willfully ignoring your financial situation and the emotional and spiritual distress he’s causing by coercing you into writing gravely immoral material. You’re not making the rational decision to simply say “NO” and strip him of his authority to make decisions for the family.

I’m all for the man being the head of the household. But when the captain of the ship goes crazy, the first officer has to remove him from his post and take over.

I don’t know if you’re not making rational decisions because you’ve been emotionally manipulated or abused. I can’t know that. It’s plenty possible. It’s also possible that you’ve at least somewhat embraced what you’re doing or did so in the past. This is not a judgment of your culpability, ok? I’m simply saying he’s not alone in acting irrationally. And when both spouses are acting irrationally, there is a major, major problem. This is what co-dependent or diseased or abusive relationship looks like.

You’re either the victim of abuse, co-dependent or an enabler of his abhorrent behavior. I’m in no position to judge anything other than what you’re both doing right now makes no sense and needs to be changed immediately.

I saw this in my own life, but to a lesser degree. I had emotionally wounded my wife with my behavior and my behavior was caused by an addiction. Neither one of us were stable people, but I was the one at fault. It took her LEAVING for awhile to make me realize just how screwed up I was and how I needed to get my soul in order. I’ve done that and we’re all better for that, but there’s lingering damage.

I must reiterate, however, that what you’re describing as your life is far worse. You need a course change and now.

 

[LorilopezInneed]

Thank you for the blunt honesty. It is necessary and appreciated.

You are right. I’m still “in it” so it’s far more difficult for me to see the forest through the trees.

Society has helped shape what is and isn’t acceptable… 50 Shades of Gray has everyone reading modified porn these days. It is the reason my husband felt it was morally acceptable to write this type of novel.

The problem is I have found myself and emotions being impacted by even writing this stuff. It is arousing. I guess that’s the point and why it sells.

But I would agree you don’t have to be in the convent to see a problem with writing sex laced novels… To help pay for our Childs catholic education.

I think of how my husband and I are so far off the path we should be… And I think separating might be best. The problem is I am too influenced by him. Yes that is my fault… But it’s a weakness that I continue to deny.

I need good influence in my life…, I have enough trouble denying my own demons… But then trying to stop my husband’s … Has become too much for me.

I just get scared that I’m not stable enough emotionally to handle this. I’ve been awake at night… Scared. Scared of ending up in Hell. Reliving all my mistakes.

I just need strength to overcome.

 

[The_Bucket]

Thank you for the blunt honesty. It is necessary and appreciated.

You are right. I’m still “in it” so it’s far more difficult for me to see the forest through the trees.

I hope I was not uncharitable in my posts. I save my harsh tone for trolls and people who spread misinformation about the faith.

Society has helped shape what is and isn’t acceptable… 50 Shades of Gray has everyone reading modified porn these days. It is the reason my husband felt it was morally acceptable to write this type of novel.

The problem is I have found myself and emotions being impacted by even writing this stuff. It is arousing. I guess that’s the point and why it sells.

If everyone is doing something, that doesn’t make it right. Most people would say that pornography addiction is bad but watching it from time to time with a spouse is fine. Most people would say that living together before marriage is fine. Casual sex is also fine, provided that everyone consents. Well they’re all wrong.

But I would agree you don’t have to be in the convent to see a problem with writing sex laced novels… To help pay for our Childs catholic education.

I’m sure the Lord would much rather you child be in a public school than you use profits from pornography to put him in Catholic school. How your husband doesn’t see the sheer logical disconnect there is beyond me.

I think of how my husband and I are so far off the path we should be… And I think separating might be best. The problem is I am too influenced by him. Yes that is my fault… But it’s a weakness that I continue to deny.

I can’t provide advice on this. I won’t provide advice on this. But I will say…

I need good influence in my life…, I have enough trouble denying my own demons… But then trying to stop my husband’s … Has become too much for me.

… that this is absolutely correct. Look, it’s easy for people who have strong relationships with Christ to say “just turn to Him!” If you’re disconnected from Him, it takes awhile to get into that kind of relationship. So what you need is a good conduit. A good example of Christ. People who can bring you to Him through their actions and your relationships with them.

I say this to so many people because it’s so true. The only person you can fix is you and the only way for you to be fixed is to surrender and let Christ do it for you. Choose to win. Choose to stop playing this ridiculous game with yourself and the world. It won’t make your struggles magically disappear. It won’t all of a sudden solve all your temporal problems. But it will give you the strength to endure them. So find those good examples and cling to them. As for what you should do with your family situation, I cannot and will not provide any advice.

 

[St_Francis]

Thank you for the blunt honesty. It is necessary and appreciated.

You are right. I’m still “in it” so it’s far more difficult for me to see the forest through the trees.

Society has helped shape what is and isn’t acceptable… 50 Shades of Gray has everyone reading modified porn these days. It is the reason my husband felt it was morally acceptable to write this type of novel.

The problem is I have found myself and emotions being impacted by even writing this stuff. It is arousing. I guess that’s the point and why it sells.

But I would agree you don’t have to be in the convent to see a problem with writing sex laced novels… To help pay for our Childs catholic education.

I think of how my husband and I are so far off the path we should be… And I think separating might be best. The problem is I am too influenced by him. Yes that is my fault… But it’s a weakness that I continue to deny.

I need good influence in my life…, I have enough trouble denying my own demons… But then trying to stop my husband’s … Has become too much for me.

I just get scared that I’m not stable enough emotionally to handle this. I’ve been awake at night… Scared. Scared of ending up in Hell. Reliving all my mistakes.

I just need strength to overcome.

Right now, you probably feel emotionally unstable *because *of being in a situation which is essentially crazy. Your husband is not living in reality. You have been where he is, but now you are trying to get to reality: you have hit bottom and he has not.

The problem with living with someone who is not living in reality is that it skews our own perceptions, and causes us to distrust our own perceptions. Your husband is wounded, so to speak, but he is *not *trying to get better. You too are wounded, but you *are *trying to get better.

In addition, you husband is definitely manipulating you when he does those things you described, and he is teaching your son to live in a future fantasy world too when he says that you all will have a lot of money when you write your book. Your husband’s actions are damaging both of you.

I’m going to pm you… check your pm under the part in the upper bar which says Your Notifications.

 

[LorilopezInneed]

Thanks for these honest responses. I will say I feel scared and concerned that I won’t have the strength to get past it.

The problem is my husband can be a very good person… Especially when he senses that I’m not happy. Today he asked me if I’d like to make meals and hand them out to the homeless on thanksgiving. I’ve done this before without him…, interesting that he is suggesting this NOW. I hate to say it but I feel it’s part of the manipulation. I hope I’m wrong.

And our son… He’s 6. This is going to destroy him. He loves our house and his school. These changes won’t be easy. Last Time we considered separating my husband started researching suicide and divorce on our computer… And told our son that mommy didn’t love him anymore…

This is going to be SO hard and I know I will miss the way things were… But morally they were not right and I was not acting the way “i” should be. That’s not my husbands fault but he definitely hasn’t been helping me grow…

 

[The_Bucket]

Doing good things doesn’t mean you’re a good person. Or that you’re even relatively sane. I still went to Mass. I still said my prayers with my family. I still helped out immigrant families with my wife during our spare time. But I was thoroughly addicted to pornography.

Heck, I held down a steady job, our finances are and were relatively OK and while we’re not in the lap of luxury, we’re fine. But I did dial up the pressure ever so slightly for her to stay on at her daycare job even when it was really stressing her out. Why? I panicked over the loss of money. And what money was it? $200-300 a month? REALLY? Yes, I really and truly got passive-aggressive and manipulative over that sum of money.

It was not a healthy situation for everyone. It’s deeply wounded my wife who is only now really getting better. My kids, on the other hand, have dramatically improved as far as their relationship with me. They actually like being around daddy now!

Look, I think your husband is a passive-aggressive and manipulative lunatic. I know the behavior when I see and hear of it because I’ve done it before. And I saw my dad do it to my mother.

Remember what Christ’s biggest gifts to the Apostles were: Peace and courage. So accept those gifts as your own.

 

[LorilopezInneed]

What did it take for you to come around? I hope you don’t mind I ask…

But even if my husband really came around… I don’t know if I could ever see him the same way I used to…

 

[LorilopezInneed]

And to make matters worse:

My husband had a history of porn addiction. He’s said that therapy helped him and it’s no longer an issue …

But yesterday he “woke up” with extreme elbow pain. Right arm. Turns out he has a “frozen elbow” from “overuse”.

His tendon is stuck…, he doesn’t play tennis…makes me wonder???

It’s serious. He has to go for an MRI and orthopedist. Doctor told him he shouldn’t work but he won’t listen to me and is planning on doing it … Against doctors orders.

Maybe I’m just overwhelmed right now… But this just sounds awful doesn’t it?

 

[St_Francis]

And to make matters worse:

My husband had a history of porn addiction. He’s said that therapy helped him and it’s no longer an issue …

But yesterday he “woke up” with extreme elbow pain. Right arm. Turns out he has a “frozen elbow” from “overuse”.

His tendon is stuck…, he doesn’t play tennis…makes me wonder???

It’s serious. He has to go for an MRI and orthopedist. Doctor told him he shouldn’t work but he won’t listen to me and is planning on doing it … Against doctors orders.

Maybe I’m just overwhelmed right now… But this just sounds awful doesn’t it?

There are other things that could cause this. I pray it was something else!

 

[Groo]

And to make matters worse:

My husband had a history of porn addiction. He’s said that therapy helped him and it’s no longer an issue …

But yesterday he “woke up” with extreme elbow pain. Right arm. Turns out he has a “frozen elbow” from “overuse”.

His tendon is stuck…, he doesn’t play tennis…makes me wonder???

It’s serious. He has to go for an MRI and orthopedist. Doctor told him he shouldn’t work but he won’t listen to me and is planning on doing it … Against doctors orders.

Maybe I’m just overwhelmed right now… But this just sounds awful doesn’t it?

I don’t know anyone for whom porn addiction just went away after some therapy. The people I know who are living in sobriety work at it every day of their lives.

And masturbation to the point of physical injury is not uncommon. This may not be the source of your husband’s injury, but it does happen.

 

[The_Bucket]

What did it take for you to come around? I hope you don’t mind I ask…

But even if my husband really came around… I don’t know if I could ever see him the same way I used to…

I didn’t “come around.” She found out the depth of my addiction, packed up the kids and left. At that point I had two options: Despair or begin the long process of letting God drag me out of the hell I created for myself and my family. I chose the latter.

My wife doesn’t see me the same way as she used to. She’s very wounded by everything, as to be expected. But she’s not having panic attacks anymore. She’s not thinking that she’s crazy and that I hate her anymore. She does get anxious when I’m annoyed by something, so it’s tough to be just a regular person who sometimes says dumb things or gets perturbed by live events. That said, I don’t want to be a “regular person.” I aspire to be a saint.

Unlike Groo, our intimate life got back on track and I think that’s helping a lot. She understands that I was not in some fantasy world when I was with her and that I was never comparing her to other people. I was self-medicating the way I learned to do so as a teenager when I dealt with stress at home.

Incidentally, she’s also learned that my father is far deeper into the hole of sexual addiction than I ever got. That’s been scaring her a bit because he’s what, 35 years into it? And he fell way farther down the rabbit hole. And it scarred my mother pretty terribly to the point where she has not been the same person. Ever. Of course, she also understands that this environment created the massive anxiety I suffered from and that I learned how to “self-medicate” from my father. So there’s that.

It’s probably helped a lot that I go to S-meetings once a week, get to daily Mass often, say a daily Rosary, go to adoration once a week, go to a men’s Scripture study once a week and generally become a totally different person than I was even when we were dating and I was not actively into my addiction. It’s not been a cure. That will take much longer and require her to be more open to God’s grace. But it’s a very strong start.

 

[The_Bucket]

And masturbation to the point of physical injury is not uncommon. This may not be the source of your husband’s injury, but it does happen.

Sadly, this is true. Has not happened in my life, but someone at an S-meeting I attended mentioned this recently. It was in the past as this fellow has a long period of sobriety under his belt, but it was a good example of how far down this addiction can bring you.

 

[LorilopezInneed]

Well there’s cruel irony here. The same kinds of stories that he used to masturbate to daily… Are the ones he is suggesting that I write.

So last year… He went to therapy to get over this masturbation issue because ALL he wanted to do was have me help him masturbate … Instead of actually having sex with me.

Now he is reading those things and I’m writing them!

Then he has an elbow lock and inflamed tendon and the doctor said it had to be from overuse.

Should I ask him about it? Of course he will deny … Even if it is an issue.