Declining invitations to questionable events

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Contra_Mundum_1

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I’m sure we’ve all been in situations where we want to get out of something that we find uncomfortable, difficult, or even offensive to our faith. I’m wondering how to do it. Say, thank you for the invite but I’m afraid I can’t come because of my beliefs, or make up an excuse that our family has a prior engagment. I hate lying but am also not comfortable telling the truth.

How do you handle uncomfortable situations like this?
 
Saying you have a prior engagement is not lying. That prior engagement could be sitting on your couch, as it does not have to be something fancy!
 
Catholic90 said:
Saying you have a prior engagement is not lying. That prior engagement could be sitting on your couch, as it does not have to be something fancy!
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This is what I say too- “I’m sorry, but I have other plans” is sufficient and true. Plan to watch television, plan to go to the mall- whatever. Sometimes people try to make us feel guilty, but really we don’t owe anyone further explanation than that, especially if it’s a situation that we’re uncomfortable with based on morality. I tend not to explain when I am against attending something based on moral grounds, because if I am close enough to the person they will know already, and if I’m not I just don’t feel comfortable explaining.
 
Pink_Lemonade said:
I tend not to explain when I am against attending something based on moral grounds, because if I am close enough to the person they will know already, and if I’m not I just don’t feel comfortable explaining.
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This is how I feel about it too.
 
“White lies” are unfortunately lies nonetheless. A line that has worked for me in the past is “Thanks, but I do not think I would be able to attend.” One may interpret that as a scheduling conflict or an conscientious objection, but the statement is at least honest from the start.
 
1ke said:
Simply decline. You have no obligation to give a reason.
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I agree. My experience has been that when you start to give reasons, people take that to mean they should change your mind or help you find a solution to why you can’t attend.
 
“Thank you for the invitation, but I will not be able to attend.” If the person asks why, I would just repeat, “Sorry, I cannot come.”

“Thank you for thinking of me, but that won’t work for me.”

“No, I am unable to attend, but I will be thinking of you.” (I might be thinking of how deluded you are, but thinking of you, nonetheless. And, praying for you! 😉 )

I would not get into my own beliefs about said events.
 
Oh gosh, now I’m curious what event would offend your faith! Just wondering…🙂
I usually say “I am so sorry, but we have made other commitments.” If they ask, ugh. I usually throw in something about my kids having something to do for school.😊
 
Just decline. Don’t give any reasons, even made-up ones.

It’s actually pretty rare for someone to ask you for a reason when you decline an invitation to a group event. At least, among polite company, it’s rare.

On the other hand, when getting an individual invitation (for a one-on-one engagement), it’s more likely that someone will ask you the reason for declining, because they will want to try to reschedule.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
I’m sure we’ve all been in situations where we want to get out of something that we find uncomfortable, difficult, or even offensive to our faith. I’m wondering how to do it. Say, thank you for the invite but I’m afraid I can’t come because of my beliefs, or make up an excuse that our family has a prior engagment. I hate lying but am also not comfortable telling the truth.

How do you handle uncomfortable situations like this?
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I come up with a polite excuse. .

My aunt was pestered by a young man. He called and called and my aunt said to tell him “I’m not home.” My grandmother did so but this bothered her so much she went to confession. The priest told her she had committed no sin of lying – my aunt was indeed “not at home” for that young man.

You are unavailable on that date. If you feel you still must confess, I’m sure the priest will understand why it was better not to tell the truth, especially when you feel the event is contrary to your faith.
 
It depends on the situation though. In most cases, a simple, “I’m sorry, we’re not able to make it” is sufficient.

When something is a big deal (like a wedding) and the person is either very close to you (like a sibling) or asking for a big favor (like for you or your kids to be in the wedding), I give the reason. In a case like that, a simple, “sorry, no” sounds more rude, because it implies that their event isn’t important to you. In that case, a short and loving, heart to heart is called for - in which I would briefly state why it is not possible for me to support the situation, and also state my respect and love for the person, and also state my hope that they will respect my need to follow my conscience. But that really is only reserved for big stuff.

There is, unfortunately, a middle ground. The fact is that there are times when the host will question your “sorry, no” even if it is a more casual affair. It’s not that uncommon for a person to follow up and ask for details about why you can’t go, and at some point, it might become silly to keep giving a vague reply. In that case, you can judge yourself whether a situation warrants an explanation (or an extrication from the conversation). The way I see it - if a person questions me repeatedly, maybe this is a sign that I am supposed to witness a little more directly. You can say things like, “to be honest, I am uncomfortable with ___ situation, so I thought it would be best if I didn’t attend.” Phrase it in terms of you being true to your conscience by not attending, and if that opens the door for a genuine discussion about your beliefs, great. If it opens the door to criticism of you or defensiveness, remind the person - “look, I didn’t set out to tell you what to do, or even what I believed. But you asked. I am happy to talk with you about my beliefs, and do understand that I am not judging you. Please respect my need to follow my own conscience, just as I am respecting your right to make your own decisions.”
 
Simply decline, and politely offer (if you want to have a relationship with the person outside of the questionable event) to have coffee at another date.

There are times to be descriptive and times to not. My wife declined standing up for a high school friend’s wedding because she honestly did not like the groom. She didn’t point that out (we were on limited income at the time and the bride has a flair for the extravagant). I declined a friend of mine’s invite to come to a pagan celebration and didn’t need to give a reason (though in all honesty I was curious to observe it, not curious enough to actually go).

One I did have to decline was when a male friend invited me to dinner and expressed his non-platonic love for me. One would think the sheer awkwardness of a bisexual male inviting a married, heterosexual male to dinner for the purpose of propositioning illicit activity would deter him.
 
teresadeavila said:
Oh gosh, now I’m curious what event would offend your faith! Just wondering…🙂
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Well, it is a civil partnership ceremony.

The couple in question are good acquaintances, not close friends. The event will take place in our town, which makes it more difficult to get out of, without having a good excuse. I guess we will have to thank them for the invitation and find that excuse. We always have family stuff going on over the weekends anyway.
 
Pink_Lemonade said:
This is what I say too- “I’m sorry, but I have other plans” is sufficient and true. Plan to watch television, plan to go to the mall- whatever.
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TheRealJuliane said:
“No, I am unable to attend, but I will be thinking of you.” (I might be thinking of how deluded you are, but thinking of you, nonetheless. And, praying for you! 😉 )
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Contra_Mundum said:
I guess we will have to thank them for the invitation and find that excuse.
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In an earlier similar thread, the “other plans” were spending a Holy Hour in adoration of the Eucharist, praying for the person 🙂
 
On the block we live they have a fourth of July party every year. All our neighbors are original owners and have known each other for at least fifteen years their kids are all high school age or older. And they tend to get sloppy drunk. We are younger with a young family and just don’t click with anyone there. It’s awkward to be there chasing the only toddlers there, and don’t understand all the inside stories and jokes with these people since we don’t share the history. We just started politely declining.

I agree you don’t need to give a reason, and saying you have plans is not lying, though in this situation they would see are car there and know we are home since the party is accros the street from us. So we just say no thank you.
 
There are many cases where you should tell them, particularly if it isn’t a sentimental event and you are close with the person. For example, I had a very dear friend in college who was a very, very devout Mormon. She would not drink coffee or tea (much less alcohol). would not watch R-rated movies period, and would only see PG-13 after reading the ratings on kidsinmind. Most of the time this wasn’t an issue, but then a bunch of us would want to see a movie, or a coffee tasting at the local coffee shop, and we would invite her not thinking of her Mormon beliefs. If she had just told us ‘no’ and left it at that we would have worried that she was upset, and after too many no’s we would have thought that she wasn’t interested in hanging out with us. But because she was clear that it wasn’t personal, it was just her religion we could accommodate that. We would either make plans to meet up with her after the movie for an IHOP dinner or we would go in two groups so that she wasn’t left alone on a Friday night. We loved her, and people who love you want to accommodate your personal and deeply held beliefs, even if they don’t agree.

Now something like a wedding you probably don’t want to come out and say that you find it morally repugnant, especially if you ever want a relationship with that person (or anyone close to them) again. I know that I wouldn’t maintain a relationship with someone who was so clear that he found my marriage to my best friend and my deepest commitment in life immoral.
 
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