Depressed and lonely in marriage

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monorail

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We’ve been married about 4 years and have a 2-year-old. We met through a Catholic dating service and used to be active in the church together, until our son came along. I’m a stay-at-home mom.

There are three big problems for me.
  1. The following is something I can’t talk to anyone – my friends or family – about, which makes it particularly hard to deal with. I have no support network. I’m cloaked in anonymity on the internet so this is the first time I’ve talked about it.
Very shortly after we got married, I developed vulvodynia which has progressively been getting worse. We’ve had a Josephite (celibate) marriage ever since I got pregnant because sex is staggeringly painful for me. I have pain all the time. Sharp stabbing pains upon any touch, dull achy pain otherwise. We have no intimate life to speak of.

It feels so unfair. I have all these friends who are sexually active outside of marriage and it stings me because we did it right – we waited to have sex with each other until we were married – and we still don’t get to have any sort of sex life.

We don’t touch each other, even when we sleep in the same bed. I give him a goodbye kiss in the mornings, and that’s the only time all day we’ll make any sort of body contact.
  1. He has a TERRIBLE memory. I do too, but I keep a to-do list, which he won’t do. This results in me being a nag, which makes both of us incredibly resentful.
Like tonight, I asked him several times to take out the mound of trash I piled by the door for him while he was watering the lawn (I was doing other chores). He said “okay” the first time, then “I’ll get it when I go out later” when I asked him again. He is so consistently unreliable that I got dressed out of my PJs to take the trash out when he came into the bedroom for the night and before I saw the big pile of trash by the door. (And yes, of course it was there.)
  1. It seems like he’s never engaged with my son and me. He doesn’t eat dinner with us because he doesn’t like my cooking, but if I beg him to get off the computer (he’s always reading political blogs) he’ll come downstairs and sit with our son and me while we eat, and then… he’ll start reading a magazine. If I ask him to watch our son in the bath while I’m taking a shower, he’ll start reading the Kindle and won’t budge while the boy is screaming in the tub trying to get out and throwing toys and splashing water on the floor. My son likes to get in the bathtub when I’m with him but not when my husband is, I think because I’m engaged with him.
If my husband has a free couple of minutes, he’ll read something, either on the computer, Kindle, or magazine. Or he’ll play video or computer games. If I have a free couple of minutes, I have to clean up because he never does. He’ll open mail and leave the junk mail and envelope right on the table next to the trash. He throws his clothes on the floor. He leaves his dirty dishes on the table or stove.

I feel like I live with a slob of a roommate whom I don’t really know all that well but have to wash his underwear anyway.

My husband is a good man. He is kind and he is a good provider. I try to bear that in mind and give him time to unwind each day. But I feel like I am never “off.” I’m always watching my son or cleaning up. Maybe that is the province of the stay-at-home mom. But because of everything I talked about, I have been crying every day. It’s been building up for years (and we haven’t even been married that long) and I’m so unhappy.

I think we would have made good friends, but we are terrible marriage partners. Honestly, I have been fantasizing about divorce for at least a year now but I can’t go through with it because I can’t work. I have tendonitis which makes it painful to use a computer, and my degree is in engineering, for which being able to use a computer is rather necessary. So I rely on him for income. If I could figure out how to live on my own (with my son), I would get a civil divorce. I know I’d never date or get married again. But my son needs a daddy so I guess it’s a good thing I’m stuck.

I’ve read the science. I read Dr. Popcak’s book on exceptional marriages. I know this is a bad marriage with all kinds of red flags.

I have tried at times to be the perfect wife in every way except the sex – stopped nagging, took care of all the little chores without complaint, increased touch, etc. – in hopes that it would come back around to me. It was exhausting and he didn’t seem to notice.

I don’t have any close friends. I’m very lonely. I’ve been eating a lot (my trigger is when I’m sad or stressed) and have gained ten pounds since February.

I cry every day alone because he gets mad at me when I get upset. I have a history of depression, and I remember when we were dating, he was wonderful and comforting if I was sad about anything… he’s completely different about that now.

We don’t pray together anymore. We’ve even stopped going to church. (I have so much trouble keeping my toddler quiet at church that it has become meaningless. The cry room is a joke.) He never wants to go to Confession with me. I feel lost without my religion and I don’t know how to get back.

Please, anyone, words of comfort or advice? Please be gentle. I know I am painting an unflattering portrait of my husband, and it is only one side of the story and he would surely say I am not the greatest wife in the world, but at the moment I am just mired in depression and can’t think straight enough to be objective.
 
I hope you will find some sense of support here, as both your husband and you have profound cause to be depressed, and your husband’s behavior may reflect his depression. Things are clearly difficult for both you and him. He perhaps escapes from a marriage that hasn’t turned out as a man would expect by being remote and filling his time with other activities, but having a child to care for, and a household, you can’t escape a marriage that hasn’t turned out as you hoped. Both of you feel unable to share the burden with others, and both surely feel isolated.
It is very sad for you both.
With a little research I found that understanding of your condition isn’t highly understood, but pray that there will be breakthroughs that will help others and you.

Holding you and your husband and son in my prayers as you both face these difficulties that surely feel overwhelming for both your husband and yourself.

Kind wishes and prayers,
Trishie
 
Have you seen a doctor regarding your condition? I believe I’ve heard about it before and that it is treatable.

What about marriage counseling? Have you discussed going with your husband? Maybe start going just by yourself if he’s not too keen on the idea at first?

I’m so sorry that you’re hurting right now.
 
You poor things. I feel for you. Hang in there, this can get better. You’ve had a very difficult row to hoe, but you can still be happily married to this good friend. These things don’t happen very often, but they unfortunately happen to all sorts of people, both those who did wrong and those who did right.

There are still things to try, but I agree with Trishie: there is a good enough chance that both you and your husband are depressed that you should have that possiblity checked out.

Please try to go to Mass, even if you each have to go alone, even if you go alone and your husband never does. Back when I used to let myself miss Mass, my husband (who is not Catholic) always used to say, “you don’t do well when you don’t go to church”. It makes a big difference. If you’re getting to confession, you can get to Mass. Do that!! If you can only choose one, though, choose Mass!

Then, dear one, go find yourself a marriage counsellor. You really need to talk to someone “with skin on” about these issues. You might also be able to find a support group for your vulvodynia through the OB/GYN department at a medical school near you. I think you’d benefit tremendously by being in touch with other women who know what you’re going through, and your marriage could benefit if you hear the experiences of other couples who are going through what you’re going through. And tendonitis, too? There are also support groups for people who suffer from chronic pain syndromes that might be helpful for you. Again, your doctor or your local medical school might have suggestions. There are things to try and people who even might be helped because you ventured out to touch those who are suffering like you are. You never know.

As a stay-at-home mom with a PhD, I’d also suggest you find a way to engage your mind. When you’re at home with kids, you miss hearing adults speaking in long sentences about interesting things, and that can be depressing. From my experience and because of your tendonitis, I’d suggest DVD or audio presentations from the Teaching Company. College courses, but with no exams. I save money by borrowing them from the library. It cost $20 for a jogger’s CD player; maybe more, if you need an earbud. There are also lots of audiobooks that can be very helpful in making doing dishes and cutting up onions less tedious. Another thing you can try is to find your child a play group or an open gym to go to. He runs around with the other kids, great…but you get to talk with the other stay-at-home moms! That’s a way to find other women who share the stay-at-home trials.

Having something interesting to distract you might help you in terms of bearing your chronic pain, too. Your husband, meanwhile, may be exhausted from too many people talking to him at work, and may want to disengage from having to deal with people when he gets home. Moreover, he wants to provide for you but is totally helpless to do anything about your pain. If you both come together every night needing a) totally different things except for b) the things you both want to share but you can’t have or the things you both want to change and yet can’t change, that is a recipe for mutual frustration. I don’t know what couple is going to find any exceptional fulfillment in that scenario! The trials you and your husband are having to go through would be very hard for anybody!

As for the “red flags”…even if your self-diagnosis is correct, you aren’t trained to do self-treatment. If you think you have serious problems, find a professional to help you find a treatment. OK? Keep at it, too. Sometimes it takes a long time to find a solution. You got through engineering school, so you have a lot of intelligence and a good deal of pluck. You can do this, OK? Again: The trials you and your husband are having to go through would be very hard for anybody! You are suffering enough by having to go through all of this without punishing yourself for not doing it in an “exceptional” way, OK? Those self-tests apply to people who don’t have the whole world on their shoulders.

I think your counsellor might suggest that you and your husband find a sitter so that you can get out and enjoy something as friends…maybe a class, maybe movies, maybe just going out on walks. You might even ask him to put bookmarks into political blogs, so you can talk to each other in long sentences about things that interest you both. I’m pretty sure you need a chance to talk with each other with a mediator, though, someone to help you navigate all the pent-up complaints and frustrations that you have each been dealing with, so that you don’t get them out in a way that hurts without accomplishing anything. You have a terrible knot staring at you, and you’re going to need some help in untangling it.

I think you can do this. More than that, I want to warn you that even from a secular standpoint, a divorce that you’ve jumped into without “working your way out” of your marital problems through professional diagnosis and treatment can do far more harm than good. You do not want to just walk away. You still believe that; keep repeating that to yourself! It would be bad for your son, bad for your husband, and bad for you. You do need some help, so that you can hold on, but avoid thoughts of divorce like you’d avoid thoughts of suicide. When you dwell on a thought, you give it reality in your mind. Get yourself some help, so that you can change to dwelling on the thought of a happy family life, OK? You don’t just need love. You don’t just need faith. You need some hope, too. Please find someone who’ll help you to get yours back.

Be kind to yourself. Dare to believe this can change for the better. Dare to believe your family has a happy future in reach. Accept help, accept that anyone in your situation would need it. Find yourself that help to find that hope and hold onto it!

May God hold you and be with you!!!
 
You are a treasure, Easter Joy
Your kind and wise advice is surely inspiring and comforting…as usual.
 
Monorail, try to develop some friendships with other women, perhaps in your neighborhood. Chronic pain, and poor marital communication, can isolate people, and make things much worse than they need to be. “Virtual” (e.g., online) friends won’t really help all that much: you’re depressed, and you need to be around the energy and caring of real-live human beings.

Is it possible to hire a babysitter for you to be able to go to Mass undistracted? Even that much of a break will be tremendous in lifting your spirits.

Your husband sounds pretty run-of-the-mill to me: Good provider, perhaps disengaged, or more likely, overwhelmed and not sure how to respond. Let go of the idea of being the “perfect wife,” there isn’t any such thing, because we are all human and therefore imperfect. Letting go of the perfect wife notion will allow you to see your husband as not falling short of the “perfect husband,” which, again, doesn’t exist.

I’m presuming you’re getting medical attention for the vulvodynia and for the tendinitis. If you aren’t, you really should consider doing so. There are some effective treatments for both conditions. Additionally, you might want to consider getting some counseling for depression.

My prayers are with you as you face these challenges.
 
So sorry you are suffering like this. I will keep you in my prayers, and recommend you pray the Novena to St Jude for help.

There is a thread here at CAF forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=658725

On the medical condition, just a thought here, is that you did not have this until pregnancy/childbirth, so is perhaps a result of nerves in that area being traumatized. The body can heal itself…and God can also heal us, so be patient and trust in Him.

On the behaviour of your husband - well…there are many guys who behave just like that anyhow!! I’m sure lots of ladies will agree with me here;).

“If my husband has a free couple of minutes, he’ll read something, either on the computer, Kindle, or magazine. Or he’ll play video or computer games. If I have a free couple of minutes, I have to clean up because he never does. He’ll open mail and leave the junk mail and envelope right on the table next to the trash. He throws his clothes on the floor. He leaves his dirty dishes on the table or stove.”

It appears to be a case here of simple selfishness, a touch of immaturity & self pity on his part. He is shrugging off his cross (which is to provide for his family & love and cherish them)…if, he has even begun to pick it up yet:rolleyes: i.e. he is still looking for a ‘reward’ for every effort he makes…

Put your faith where it belongs, in God and not in frail creatures.😃 (smile too, it’s good for you)❤️❤️❤️

Lord
Help me to remember that nothing is impossible to prayer. Because when I pray, I bring You close and when You are close, I am not alone or afraid. I call on You, and the world eases around me. There is comfort for my hurt…and peace from my worries. As one door closes, I see another open wide before me. So, let my whispered voice start each day with the promise of prayer, certain that with Your name on my lips…and Your love in my heart…all things are ever possible. Amen.
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“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy burdened, and I will give you rest…”
 
I will pray for you. Also, I encourage you to try and come back to the Sacraments. Jesus loves you and wants you to come to Him no matter how loud your son is. He awaits you with open Arms and therin lies true Peace.
 
Monorail, as you can see there are many caring people here with lots of good advice. I will pray for you to have a complete healing and restoration of your marriage. Hang in there, we care. God bless you.
 
I would suggest finding a real person to talk to on a regular basis. Ask your priest to put you in touch with some older women in your parish who are willing to talk to and help a young wife who is trying to have a good marriage. Your priest should be able to put you in contact with some older women. This is the Biblical way–older women are to teach younger women how to be good wives and mothers. (Titus 2:4)

It is impossible for us to offer you much help on the internet because we are hearing just one side of the story. From what you are saying, your husband sounds like the bad guy in this marriage, but perhaps if we were to hear his side of the story, things would look very different to us.

That’s why I say to find a real person, a real woman, who can get to know you and assess your situation accurately, and then be honest with you about the best courses of action.

I hope you will go to a doctor about your vulvodynia. I don’t know much about this condition, but from what I have read, there may be a stress component, and you are certainly under stress. It sounds like treatment is multi-faceted. Please go see a professional and don’t continue to suffer with this condition.

Same for the other painful conditions; e.g., the tendonitis. See a doctor. Don’t suffer needlessly. I hope that you don’t get offended if I say this, but this kind of thing really upsets many husbands and causes them to pull away from their wives and sometimes shut them out entirely. The husband knows that his wife is in pain or ill, but the wife refuses to go to the doctor or get any kind of help for the pain or illness. So the husband gives up and ignores the woman and refuses to help her, since she refuses to help herself. Some of your husband’s behaviors may be an attempt to try to force you to go get some help.

So go get some help. 🙂 You’ll be glad you did. Just make sure you find a good doctor who is kind, not gruff. A gruff doctor will probably make you feel even more despair.

You are probably aware of the importance of sex in a marriage. Some people, including people on CAF, will tell you that it’s not that important in marriage, but I think that a lot of men and women would strongly disagree with that. I disagree with it! I think that husbands and wives who are not having sex are in danger of losing their marriage. So this is yet another reason to go get some help for your painful condition.

The “trash story” is one that many many wives can relate to! In a few years, when you son is a teenager, you will see that men in general all seem to have the condition of being able to selectively ignore requests that they don’t want to do! There are many other issues in your marriage, so perhaps the usual advice won’t work. But I’ll offer it anyway. First of all, make sure that there is a clear understanding of who is responsible for what chores in the family. It’s possible that your husband considers this a wife’s responsibility because that’s how he grew up, and the concept that he should take out trash is foreign to him. Sit down and have a talk and discuss “chores” in the house, and make sure that BOTH of you know what your responsibilities are.

Also, discuss your family policy about requests. What should be the response when one spouse asks the other do something? Is it OK to say, “I’ll do it when I’m done with this television show?” Is it OK to say, “I’m too busy, can you please do it?” This seems so basic, but remember that we have all been raised differently, and what seems perfectly normal to one spouse might seem very weird to another spouse. So talk about it together and come up with some family policies regarding household chores. ALL married couples have had that talk, BTW, often because the wife gets fed up with doing EVERYTHING! So don’t feel bad–we’ve all been through this, and it does get better once you start communicating.

I’m assuming that you will learn that yes, your husband is very willing to do things for you if you ask. (Maybe not–perhaps he’s from a culture in which the men do not do servile work.)

IF your husband is willing to do things when you ask, then stop nagging. If you ask your husband to do something and he doesn’t do it, don’t do it yourself. Your husband is smart, and he will learn that if he waits long enough, you will do his work for him! So don’t do it. Instead, just leave the trash there for days until it grows maggots. He’ll get the idea that he has to do his share. 🙂
 
monorail said:
If I ask him to watch our son in the bath while I’m taking a shower, he’ll start reading the Kindle and won’t budge while the boy is screaming in the tub trying to get out and throwing toys and splashing water on the floor. My son likes to get in the bathtub when I’m with him but not when my husband is, I think because I’m engaged with him.
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This jumped out at me. No matter what your husband is or isn’t doing, please don’t EVER leave your son alone in the bathtub! Even a 2 year old can drown in a few minutes. This happens on a regular basis and parents are shattered. Find some other time to take a shower. I know, there is no good time with a 2 year old, but please, do not leave him alone in the bathroom at all!

Praying for you.
 
Thanks everyone for your kind and thoughtful responses. I read all of them gratefully. You all are wonderful.

I have been getting treated for both the vulvodynia and for the tendonitis for years – since before I got pregnant. (It took so long to convince my ob/gyn that it wasn’t just in my head.) I’ve sunk thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours into medication (which I’m still on), doctors visits, and physical therapy, for which I have nothing to show except a lighter wallet.

I am trying really hard to find friends around here. We just moved here last year. I have some local acquaintances and some closer friends who live far away. I haven’t gotten close enough to anyone around here yet to be able to discuss these sorts of things…
What about marriage counseling? Have you discussed going with your husband? Maybe start going just by yourself if he’s not too keen on the idea at first?
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My husband is against the idea. He thinks counseling is going to be a waste of time because “the advice is always obvious.” But he unwillingly agreed to give it a shot, so I just have to find someone who works with my insurance company…
As a stay-at-home mom with a PhD, I’d also suggest you find a way to engage your mind. When you’re at home with kids, you miss hearing adults speaking in long sentences about interesting things, and that can be depressing. From my experience and because of your tendonitis, I’d suggest DVD or audio presentations from the Teaching Company. College courses, but with no exams. I save money by borrowing them from the library. It cost $20 for a jogger’s CD player; maybe more, if you need an earbud. There are also lots of audiobooks that can be very helpful in making doing dishes and cutting up onions less tedious. Another thing you can try is to find your child a play group or an open gym to go to. He runs around with the other kids, great…but you get to talk with the other stay-at-home moms! That’s a way to find other women who share the stay-at-home trials.
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I like this advice and will try giving audiobooks a shot while doing chores. I really wish I could do play groups or moms-day-out programs but my son has sensory and attachment issues. He is a very high needs child and acts traumatized with anyone except his mama which is why he takes up so much of my day.

EasterJoy, I really read and appreciate the rest of your post too. Especially the parts about the importance of mass and the paragraph about hope and avoiding thoughts of divorce. I read a book called “The Science of a Good Marriage” which talks about how even thinking about divorce is a bad precedent. (That whole book was depressing. I could check off every item about “bad marriages” – like he always rolls his eyes at me).
You are probably aware of the importance of sex in a marriage. Some people, including people on CAF, will tell you that it’s not that important in marriage, but I think that a lot of men and women would strongly disagree with that. I disagree with it! I think that husbands and wives who are not having sex are in danger of losing their marriage. So this is yet another reason to go get some help for your painful condition.
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I know! Believe me I know. Dr. Popcak has huge portions of his book devoted to the importance of a healthy sex life. Right now I just can’t. We tried once and I spent three hours doubled up in pain with a cold pack. It’s hard to read his advice about just doing it even when you’re not in the mood because it’s important, you’ll get into it, it’s good bonding, etc. It’s not a matter of will for me.
Also, discuss your family policy about requests. What should be the response when one spouse asks the other do something? Is it OK to say, “I’ll do it when I’m done with this television show?” Is it OK to say, “I’m too busy, can you please do it?” …]
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I’m assuming that you will learn that yes, your husband is very willing to do things for you if you ask. (Maybe not–perhaps he’s from a culture in which the men do not do servile work.)
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IF your husband is willing to do things when you ask, then stop nagging. If you ask your husband to do something and he doesn’t do it, don’t do it yourself. Your husband is smart, and he will learn that if he waits long enough, you will do his work for him! So don’t do it. Instead, just leave the trash there for days until it grows maggots. He’ll get the idea that he has to do his share.
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Cat, I am so frustrated because I have tried all these things. I have let trash sit and other detritus sit around forever until ants literally swarm it and he still doesn’t see it. He. Doesn’t. See. It. His dad doesn’t lift a finger around the house, so I think it was the way he was raised. I think I will try reframing the first question. (We’ve had the conversation before and it always ends without resolve. He says he has a bad memory, and basically there’s nothing to do about it.)
This jumped out at me. No matter what your husband is or isn’t doing, please don’t EVER leave your son alone in the bathtub! Even a 2 year old can drown in a few minutes. This happens on a regular basis and parents are shattered. Find some other time to take a shower. I know, there is no good time with a 2 year old, but please, do not leave him alone in the bathroom at all!
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Thanks for your concern. I don’t leave him alone… I take a shower in the same room. (We have a separate tub from our shower.) I can see him, I can jump out at a moment’s notice, I just can’t interact with him, which is why I ask my husband to sit with him while I’m in the shower.
 
monorail said:
Thanks for your concern. I don’t leave him alone… I take a shower in the same room. (We have a separate tub from our shower.) I can see him, I can jump out at a moment’s notice, I just can’t interact with him, which is why I ask my husband to sit with him while I’m in the shower.
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Ah, good. I am sorry I jumped to a conclusion, it sounded as though no one was in the bathroom with your son.

God bless you and you will be in my prayers.
 
I am a young man, inexperienced in such matter, so I have no practical advice for you. I will, however, offer my Rosary for your intentions tomorrow. God bless you, dear sister.
 
monorail said:
Thanks everyone for your kind and thoughtful responses. I read all of them gratefully. You all are wonderful.

I have been getting treated for both the vulvodynia and for the tendonitis for years – since before I got pregnant. (It took so long to convince my ob/gyn that it wasn’t just in my head.) I’ve sunk thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours into medication (which I’m still on), doctors visits, and physical therapy, for which I have nothing to show except a lighter wallet.
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this part right here makes me want to say try chiropractic care. to help get your body running at its best so it can heal itself. its cheaper and doesn’t hurt to try. and more natural.
this is my chiro’s page
crossroadsnaturalhealth.com/
 
monorail said:
Cat, I am so frustrated because I have tried all these things. I have let trash sit and other detritus sit around forever until ants literally swarm it and he still doesn’t see it. He. Doesn’t. See. It. His dad doesn’t lift a finger around the house, so I think it was the way he was raised. I think I will try reframing the first question. (We’ve had the conversation before and it always ends without resolve. He says he has a bad memory, and basically there’s nothing to do about it.)
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oh no! ewwww, he can’t smell either? my hubby is forgetful too and it can be irritating as heck but he can smell and took out the stinky trash yesterday. Mine’s tired from work and stuff and can be lazy a lot about housework but I feel for you. = / if this apt gets messy and stinky enough I know my hubby would go into go cleaning mode haha

I’m newly married so I don’t have advice but I really hope and pray for you guys.
 
Please go to Church. I know how hard it is with a child but even with the distraction you gain so much.

See your priest about your marriage.

Have you expressed to your husband what you have said here?

Please do and when you do make statement like I feel lonely, I feel depressed do not make you or I think statements. Make sure you are describing a feeling and not a thought. If you can substitute I think with I feel it is a thought not a feeling. For example: I feel you don’t love me makes sense if you say I think you don’t love me. Therefore the sentence is a thought not a feeling.

I hope things get better for you.
 
My heart goes out to you. I could have written that post many years ago myself. The fact that you have a high needs child makes it even harder (I had the same). It is really hard when your husband tunes everything out (and yes, I agree with whoever said many men do that–my husband sure did and still does at times).

I think that trying to find some support for yourself would help. If you can get part of your needs met elsewhere you won’t need so much from your husband. As others stated, I think some of this is normal early marriage stuff (at least we sure had similar issues).

Maybe you could check with local community organizations about mom’s groups–I know some catholic churches have them too, ours does… When I was a young mom with a traveling husband and no family around, I found a group that met through a community organization. They had free childcare during meetings. I also took classes at the library when I saw things that interested me. I had trouble finding sitters cause my son was such a handful, but I took advantage of sitters whenever I could find them so I could get out and do things. That will help with the depression. Others had lots of good ideas too. Feel free to keep posting if it helps.
 
monorail said:
My husband is against the idea. He thinks counseling is going to be a waste of time because “the advice is always obvious.” But he unwillingly agreed to give it a shot, so I just have to find someone who works with my insurance company…I read a book called “The Science of a Good Marriage” which talks about how even thinking about divorce is a bad precedent. (That whole book was depressing. I could check off every item about “bad marriages” – like he always rolls his eyes at me).
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Rolls his eyes, as in showing contempt for what you’re saying? Ouch. Well, at least the check-list lets you know that you are not being over-sensitive. The books verify that the stuff that has been hurting you is precisely what other married people generally find to be hurtful to a marriage. You are being totally sane. You’re right: This isn’t healthy, this isn’t something to just resign yourself to, and this can’t go on.

If he won’t go to counselling, you can go to counselling yourself. The skills you learn and the stategies you develop for yourself might be extremely helpful as you go through this. As for the advice being obvious, well, the same thing was true of all your coaches in high school sports (or even high school writing class) told you, wasn’t it? There was about 5% that was something you didn’t know, and 95% stuff that you had already been told. Who were the best athletes, though? Who were the best students? The ones who were coachable, who didn’t act as if they never needed advice in how to achieve excellence in the fundamentals. It takes dedication to stick in there and try to take “obvious” advice, because that’s the work of gaining mastery of the fundamentals, which our pride tells us we shouldn’t have to work in order to achieve excellence. It is easy to believe, most of us have made that mistake at least from time to time, but nothing could be further from the truth than the lies that pride tells!

Again: If he won’t swallow his pride, you can still get help for yourself. I’d highly recommend doing that. I’m only afraid that what you’re going to hear are all the precise things that he does not want you to be told.
 
I want to say that I think I am where you are… in feeling alone and isolated. I am pretty shy so it is hard for me to reach out and meet people.

Have you considered a local MOPS group? They usually offer childcare and it would be a group of Mom’s meeting to talk - they usually are very welcoming and I have heard nothing but good things about the meetings. (I know they are Christian, not Catholic, not sure about what role faith plays in their program - I’ve never personally attended)

Do you have a local YMCA? The YMCA near me offers childcare for $5 a month and they will watch children for up to 2 hours at a time while you walk/work out/take a class. If you can afford it, they offer swim lessons/gymnastics (YMCA also has financial assistance, if you would need it) if you want something to get your son involved in.

What about local library groups? My library offered a group reading for toddlers, and also a “Parent and Child” class it was very engaging and my son loved it.

Lastly, consider parenting courses. In no way am I implying that YOU or YOUR H are bad parents. But, it may help him to see it from a third point of view. I found a book I like - it’s called “Parenting with Love and Logic” and there is also a course offered near us about the book. If you find a course, maybe you could word it as “This is something I am really interested in, do you think you could join me?” (They may or may not have child care at these facilities - so you may want to arrange separate child care in advance)

Have you confronted him about leaving a mess? I started leaving notes for my fiance, and it really helps him. Sometimes I will send him an email during the day, “Hey, just to remind you today is trash day. The trash needs to go out tonight. Love you.” kind of thing. I also got a dry-erase board that I wrote a “Honey Do” list on- and then when he gets time he looks at the honey-do list. It took a long time for us to figure out a system that even semi-worked and it’s nowhere near perfect. But we keep trying! 👍

I know it sounds a lot like your H is really disengaged, so what about trying to engage him more? What do you do on weekends (or whatever days off your H has from work?) What about suggesting some “Unplugged” time? What about a trip to the Zoo or a Childrens museum? Or, better yet, a babysitter and a date night?

It is so easy to disconnect from the people we see everyday because we assume they will always be there and it is easy to take them for granted. I really hope you find someone you can talk to, and I understand how difficult it is. I suffer from an anxiety disorder, and I went untreated almost two years after I was diagnosed. I am finally going back to therapy now but they can’t see me until Dec. The first step is the hardest… God bless.
 
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