Depressed over being single

[Obsidion]

I just turned 21 years old last week, and as these past few days of a new birthday year have gone by for me, I can’t help but be really depressed as I reflect on the fact that yet another year has gone by, and another year of being single has arrived. I’ve never had a boyfriend, been on a date, been kissed, etc. throughout my whole life. And I have to sit and watch so many people younger than me going onto their third or fourth boyfriend, happily sailing through life.

What frustrates me is that people tell me I’m smart, attractive and have a good personality. If all that is true, than why am I still single? Ever guy I’ve ever liked has either had a girlfriend or rejected me, and it’s taken such a hard hit on my self-esteem. I know that I shouldn’t let it get to me the way it does, but I feel so worthless about it. I drive myself crazy wondering what’s wrong with me that has turned away every guy I’ve ever liked.

There was one particular guy that I really had strong feelings for that I met last semester, and part of me thought he might have liked me too. But after he found out I was a Christian, I think that’s what turned him away from me. He actually used to be Catholic himself, and I told him I was too, but he’s no longer practicing because college apparently taught him that religion is terrible. I tried to explain my point of view on it and gave him my testimony of faith, but perhaps said too much at once and got it all wrong. He seemed open to hearing about it when we talked one-on-one about it one night, but after that he completely shut me off and ignored me when he was with his friends the next day. He’s got a lot of issues- alcoholism, broken family, partying addictions, premarital sexual relations, and much more. I really felt like this was my one shot at finding the right guy for me, and I blew it. I wanted to help him through his issues because I can tell he’s very lost and I cared about him, but he ignored my texts and since I don’t do social media, I couldn’t reach him through Facebook or anything like that. So I quit trying to reach out to him, deleted his number off my phone and haven’t spoken to him for a few months.

This has been eating away at me for months, and I can’t get over it. I feel like I blew my chance. I’m so upset. What should I do?

 

[Xantippe]

I just turned 21 years old last week, and as these past few days of a new birthday year have gone by for me, I can’t help but be really depressed as I reflect on the fact that yet another year has gone by, and another year of being single has arrived. I’ve never had a boyfriend, been on a date, been kissed, etc. throughout my whole life. And I have to sit and watch so many people younger than me going onto their third or fourth boyfriend, happily sailing through life.

If it was entirely happy-happy, it wouldn’t be three or four boyfriends.

What frustrates me is that people tell me I’m smart, attractive and have a good personality. If all that is true, than why am I still single?

**You’re just at a tough age for dating, especially if you are in college. College is often a dating wasteland. Bear in mind that women generally date men a couple years older than themselves, and in your case, 23-year-old guys are out working right now or are graduate students–they’re generally not undergraduates. Try some online dating (particularly Catholic friendly sites) and see if you get anywhere with it (but read up on personal safety first).
**
Ever guy I’ve ever liked has either had a girlfriend or rejected me, and it’s taken such a hard hit on my self-esteem. I know that I shouldn’t let it get to me the way it does, but I feel so worthless about it. I drive myself crazy wondering what’s wrong with me that has turned away every guy I’ve ever liked.

That’s what happens all the way up until you meet the right person.

There was one particular guy that I really had strong feelings for that I met last semester, and part of me thought he might have liked me too. But after he found out I was a Christian, I think that’s what turned him away from me. He actually used to be Catholic himself, and I told him I was too, but he’s no longer practicing because college apparently taught him that religion is terrible. I tried to explain my point of view on it and gave him my testimony of faith, but perhaps said too much at once and got it all wrong.

**I would try not to mix evangelism and crushes. **

He seemed open to hearing about it when we talked one-on-one about it one night, but after that he completely shut me off and ignored me when he was with his friends the next day. He’s got a lot of issues- alcoholism, broken family, partying addictions, premarital sexual relations, and much more. I really felt like this was my one shot at finding the right guy for me, and I blew it.
**
No, no, no no.

It is most definitely not.**

I wanted to help him through his issues because I can tell he’s very lost and I cared about him, but he ignored my texts and since I don’t do social media, I couldn’t reach him through Facebook or anything like that. So I quit trying to reach out to him, deleted his number off my phone and haven’t spoken to him for a few months.

Good!

This has been eating away at me for months, and I can’t get over it. I feel like I blew my chance. I’m so upset. What should I do?

You did exactly the right thing. Keep on moving, finish up with school, find a good job, and so forth. This is not the end. This is not even the beginning of the end. It’s just the end of the beginning.

Look for a guy who would be a good husband to you and a good father to your future children and accept no substitutes.

There are so many frustrated single Catholic guys who post here. At some point, if you keep circulating, you’ll meet a bunch of them.

Good luck!

 

[PaulfromIowa]

I drive myself crazy wondering what’s wrong with me that has turned away every guy I’ve ever liked…

I really felt like this was my one shot at finding the right guy for me, and I blew it.

You sound rather too picky. How many/how few guys have you liked? There are many fine young men out there. There is no reason to get fixated on any one guy as “the one” when you have not even had a date yet.

I wanted to help him through his issues because I can tell he’s very lost and I cared about him…

Never tell a potential boyfriend something like that. Nobody wants to date his mother.

 

[abort73catholic]

I just turned 21 years old last week, and as these past few days of a new birthday year have gone by for me, I can’t help but be really depressed as I reflect on the fact that yet another year has gone by, and another year of being single has arrived. I’ve never had a boyfriend, been on a date, been kissed, etc. throughout my whole life. And I have to sit and watch so many people younger than me going onto their third or fourth boyfriend, happily sailing through life.

What frustrates me is that people tell me I’m smart, attractive and have a good personality. If all that is true, than why am I still single? Ever guy I’ve ever liked has either had a girlfriend or rejected me, and it’s taken such a hard hit on my self-esteem. I know that I shouldn’t let it get to me the way it does, but I feel so worthless about it. I drive myself crazy wondering what’s wrong with me that has turned away every guy I’ve ever liked.

There was one particular guy that I really had strong feelings for that I met last semester, and part of me thought he might have liked me too. But after he found out I was a Christian, I think that’s what turned him away from me. He actually used to be Catholic himself, and I told him I was too, but he’s no longer practicing because college apparently taught him that religion is terrible. I tried to explain my point of view on it and gave him my testimony of faith, but perhaps said too much at once and got it all wrong. He seemed open to hearing about it when we talked one-on-one about it one night, but after that he completely shut me off and ignored me when he was with his friends the next day. He’s got a lot of issues- alcoholism, broken family, partying addictions, premarital sexual relations, and much more. I really felt like this was my one shot at finding the right guy for me, and I blew it. I wanted to help him through his issues because I can tell he’s very lost and I cared about him, but he ignored my texts and since I don’t do social media, I couldn’t reach him through Facebook or anything like that. So I quit trying to reach out to him, deleted his number off my phone and haven’t spoken to him for a few months.

This has been eating away at me for months, and I can’t get over it. I feel like I blew my chance. I’m so upset. What should I do?

I know what you mean, Obsidion! I am a 23 year old Catholic woman and I can empathize with you completely. I am also in a similar position. I graduated from a Catholic college in May and am now living in a new city with a new job I’ve had for only a couple months. I love it, but it’s so hard for me to break into a new parish/workplace/etc. and find friends my age, let alone a boyfriend, especially since most of my college friends are spread out in other states now. I don’t know about you, but I’m introverted, and find it hard and anxiety-inducing to go to a function where I don’t know anyone. I had several male friends in college, but I only dated once for about a year. I never understood why I couldn’t seem to attract the guys I liked. As I look back on it, it was probably for the best, even though it didn’t seem that way at the time.

Xantippe’s post was full of good comments. And it’s a good thing that you cut ties with that guy you mentioned. I’ve been in that position before, and everyone says it but you can’t say it enough: very rarely will you ever change a man. It seems harsh, but that’s just the way things normally go. Praying for him is good and I know how much you feel you just want the best for him (trust me, I know…I’ve been there!), but don’t want the best for him so much that you give up the best for yourself. You did the right thing.

I’ll say a prayer for you! Please say one for me.

 

[isu]

If it helps, I didn’t find my first boyfriend until I was about 25 and then married this same boyfriend at 28. The best thing to do is to just not worry about it. Coincidentally, he had given up finding a lasting girlfriend at about the same time we met. I was his 3rd or 4th girlfriend. You still have plenty of time to find the right man. Be patient.

 

[johnnyt3000]

God has His plans for you, do not worry. If God really wants you to be married He will lead you there as long as you stay open to His will. Do not worry so much about emotional fulfillment. Stay close to Our Lady and pray the rosary.
There are some good catholic dating websites if you are interested.

 

[TyburnTreeHuggr]

I have a friend in central ND who’d probably love to meet you!

That said, there are plenty more where he came from! Keep your chin up; you just never know who might come your way!

 

[Sarcelle]

I have a friend in central ND who’d probably love to meet you!

That said, there are plenty more where he came from! Keep your chin up; you just never know who might come your way!

Hmm, maybe you could play matchmake for the OP.

 

[Bonnie]

You could easily end up married and just as depressed - if not more so.

I was a bit older than you and feeling depressed and rather desperate; I wanted children. I met my husband when I was 30, we married when I was 33. I was able to have 2 children who are now grown up.

I stayed depressed for much of our marriage, blaming my husband most of the time. I have since learned that I likely would have been depressed no matter who I married. Depression was a way of life for me.

Now I’ve overcome most of it, learned to love my husband and deal with our differences. But it’s been a hard road for both of us.

At your age, you’ve got a lot of time to learn about yourself and what kind of man will be a good helpmeet. Take it slow and enjoy every day. You don’t know what’s down the road.

 

[thebookofesther]

Sounds like you got lucky with that other guy you need to be careful if these are the standards that you’re willing to allow is that the father you want for your children?

Someone moving on from boyfriend to boyfriend as happily sailing thru life, I don’t know about that. We’re the same age and I don’t know how girls make it seem to each other but none of them are sailing or happy for that matter. They constantly give their all to these guys wanting it to last only to have them leave for other people knowing they weren’t always the only one for them. To give your all to someone and then for them to turn on you and just leave you is emotionally traumatic and while they may seem happy to you on the inside they feel like nothing half the time.

As for not having a boyfriend or kissing I think you may have found yourself in a beneficial situation sure it would be fun for the time being but what will last you forever is knowing your husband is the only one you’ve kissed.

 

[Obsidion]

Never tell a potential boyfriend something like that. Nobody wants to date his mother.

Ironic that you say that, his mother actually passed away when he was younger and his dad went through several different marriages after that. That’s a huge part of why he’s so screwed up. And that’s why I wanted him even more. I wanted to show him the right kind of female love and show him how much I cared. He’s so used to being with one night stands and I foolishly believed that I could be the one to change that and show him what love really is all about. Apparently he doesn’t want that though, and it broke my heart to see him continue to go down that path of empty sex, alcoholism and partying.

 

[Xantippe]

Ironic that you say that, his mother actually passed away when he was younger and his dad went through several different marriages after that. That’s a huge part of why he’s so screwed up. And that’s why I wanted him even more. I wanted to show him the right kind of female love and show him how much I cared. He’s so used to being with one night stands and I foolishly believed that I could be the one to change that and show him what love really is all about. Apparently he doesn’t want that though, and it broke my heart to see him continue to go down that path of empty sex, alcoholism and partying.

There are some single guys on CAF who believe women are only into bad boys who are going to go bananas over your thread.

Note to the single guys: bear in mind that what the OP finds irresistible and fascinating is the exciting, dissolute life combined with his being a wounded baby bird. In fact, it’s largely the dissolute life that makes the guy a wounded baby bird in the OP’s eyes. I feel like a lot of our single CAF guys miss out on the eagerness of women to swoop in and fix damaged men. It’s not merely the “alpha” aspect that is attractive–there often needs to be an element of vulnerability for attraction.

(Apologies to the OP if I got that totally wrong.)

 

[Obsidion]

(Apologies to the OP if I got that totally wrong.)

Yes you did and I really am upset that you took that away from my post. It had nothing to do with him being a ‘bad boy.’ He was actually pretty nice to me and I thought he might’ve liked me and I obviously liked him. We got along pretty well until I really got to know him and saw how messed up he was. And the reason I wanted to help him is because I liked him not because I wanted to be the heroine. I’m not trying to be the man in the relationship. As a woman of God I strive to uplift my men into being the best they can be for Christ. And when we talked about Christianity one on one he seemed almost open to it, but he shut down the next day and turned on me for whatever bizarre reason. It’s not like you think at all. I didn’t like him because he was a bad boy, I liked him because I just liked him and it wasn’t until I really got to know him that I realized how messed up he was and it hurt me to see that.

 

[Xantippe]

Yes you did and I really am upset that you took that away from my post. It had nothing to do with him being a ‘bad boy.’
He was actually pretty nice to me and I thought he might’ve liked me and I obviously liked him. We got along pretty well until I really got to know him and saw how messed up he was. And the reason I wanted to help him is because I liked him not because I wanted to be the heroine. I’m not trying to be the man in the relationship. As a woman of God I strive to uplift my men into being the best they can be for Christ. And when we talked about Christianity one on one he seemed almost open to it, but he shut down the next day and turned on me for whatever bizarre reason. It’s not like you think at all.

I meant that some of our CAF single guys would read your thread and immediately think, “bad boy!” and resolve to get an appointment to get a tattoo (do tattoo parlors take appointments–not sure) and a motorcycle. I was pointing out that the attraction is actually somewhat more complicated than that.

It’s actually a very, very traditionally feminine thing to want to swoop in and save damaged men, just as many men have similar impulses to save damsels in distress. Neither is a formula for an enjoyable marriage–one needs a spouse who is capable of carrying their weight and then some, not somebody that you will need to pick up and carry for the next 60 odd years.

 

[underacloud]

There was one particular guy that I really had strong feelings for that I met last semester, and part of me thought he might have liked me too. But after he found out I was a Christian, I think that’s what turned him away from me. He actually used to be Catholic himself, and I told him I was too, but he’s no longer practicing because college apparently taught him that religion is terrible. I tried to explain my point of view on it and gave him my testimony of faith, but perhaps said too much at once and got it all wrong. He seemed open to hearing about it when we talked one-on-one about it one night, but after that he completely shut me off and ignored me when he was with his friends the next day. He’s got a lot of issues- alcoholism, broken family, partying addictions, premarital sexual relations, and much more. I really felt like this was my one shot at finding the right guy for me, and I blew it. I wanted to help him through his issues because I can tell he’s very lost and I cared about him, but he ignored my texts and since I don’t do social media, I couldn’t reach him through Facebook or anything like that. So I quit trying to reach out to him, deleted his number off my phone and haven’t spoken to him for a few months.

This had disaster written all over it.

This has been eating away at me for months, and I can’t get over it. I feel like I blew my chance. I’m so upset. What should I do?

You didn’t blow it. You dodged a bullet.

Your first relationship should be healthy, based on agreed values (ie preferably both Catholic), and not an attempt to rescue someone from their past and their own dysfunctions.

At 21 you’re still young and have plenty of time to start dating, getting to know people, and hoping to find that special someone. At 21, there’s no such things as “I blew my chance”.

 

[His_helpmeet]

I meant that some of our CAF single guys would read your thread and immediately think, “bad boy!” and resolve to get an appointment to get a tattoo (do tattoo parlors take appointments–not sure) and a motorcycle. I was pointing out that the attraction is actually somewhat more complicated than that.

It’s actually a very, very traditionally feminine thing to want to swoop in and save damaged men, just as many men have similar impulses to save damsels in distress. Neither is a formula for an enjoyable marriage–one needs a spouse who is capable of carrying their weight and then some, not somebody that you will need to pick up and carry for the next 60 odd years.

Absolutely! As usual, Xantippe, you nailed it. You always need to be thinking in the back of your mind: if I dropped dead suddenly, or became incapacitated, I NEED to know that my spouse would be able to function independently - ESPECIALLY if there are children involved. In my case, DH had been separated from his ex-wife for over a year before we got together (she left him; the marriage was declared invalid and we are sacramentally married) and I KNOW he would cope okay because his daughter (now 10; then 5) was living with him half-time. Now, obviously, your circumstances might be different, but the last thing you want to do is marry a “fixer-upper” with a ton of issues that might or might not be solvable. Nobody is perfect, but you need to figure out what you can live with. If you become this man’s sole support, and the only thing that’s keeping him together, it places a HUGE burden on you - especially, as I’ve said, if something happens to you. He needs to be able to get it together himself, or with professional help - not just leaning on your shoulders. Yes, you can support him, but HE needs to be the one doing the work. Example: I have generalized anxiety disorder, diagnosed just before DH and I got married. He knew I had issues and chose to marry me anyway - because he could see that I had the potential to get beyond them. I’m on medication which helps tremendously. He still gives me support, especially on bad days - but he knows that if something happened to him I would be able to cope independently, even if we are fortunate enough to have children in the future.

 

[Jay82]

I just turned 21 years old last week, and as these past few days of a new birthday year have gone by for me, I can’t help but be really depressed as I reflect on the fact that yet another year has gone by, and another year of being single has arrived. I’ve never had a boyfriend, been on a date, been kissed, etc. throughout my whole life. And I have to sit and watch so many people younger than me going onto their third or fourth boyfriend, happily sailing through life.

Don’t fret or worry too much about the timing of events. We all end up doing things at much different points in life. I had my first kiss well beyond the age you are at now and things are just fine now. Looking back, they were just fine then too. Don’t put so much emphasis on dating and valuing yourself in terms of relationships. Your character, integrity, commitment to friends/family, and the live you lead carries much more weight than relationship totals. Focus on what is important and things will play out very well for you.

What frustrates me is that people tell me I’m smart, attractive and have a good personality. If all that is true, than why am I still single? Ever guy I’ve ever liked has either had a girlfriend or rejected me, and it’s taken such a hard hit on my self-esteem. I know that I shouldn’t let it get to me the way it does, but I feel so worthless about it. I drive myself crazy wondering what’s wrong with me that has turned away every guy I’ve ever liked…

All those people are probably right about saying you are attractive, smart, etc. You are still quite young and probably haven’t just met the right guy yet. Having multiple boyfriends and ending up single at 25 is no better or worse than having 1-2 boyfriends and still being single at 25. Sure you can say your friends had four boyfriends, but they also had four failed relationships and you haven’t had any of those.

I would also recommend taking a good look at the type of guys you are attracted to usually. You do not want to try to start relationships with a guy where you need to be their emotional support and a permanent crutch trying to help them through emotional and personal issues. Helping them as a friend is one thing, but trying to form a relationship in that state will only create an off balanced foundation that is surely to collapse at some point in the future.

I meant that some of our CAF single guys would read your thread and immediately think, “bad boy!” and resolve to get an appointment to get a tattoo (do tattoo parlors take appointments–not sure) and a motorcycle. I was pointing out that the attraction is actually somewhat more complicated than that.

It’s actually a very, very traditionally feminine thing to want to swoop in and save damaged men, just as many men have similar impulses to save damsels in distress. Neither is a formula for an enjoyable marriage–one needs a spouse who is capable of carrying their weight and then some, not somebody that you will need to pick up and carry for the next 60 odd years.

Well said. There are always plenty of single good guys out there who have their life together and end up scratching there head as to why some other guys who are a mess get lots of attention from women while they may not get very much.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I meant that some of our CAF single guys would read your thread and immediately think, “bad boy!” and resolve to get an appointment to get a tattoo (do tattoo parlors take appointments–not sure) and a motorcycle. I was pointing out that the attraction is actually somewhat more complicated than that.

It’s actually a very, very traditionally feminine thing to want to swoop in and save damaged men, just as many men have similar impulses to save damsels in distress. Neither is a formula for an enjoyable marriage–one needs a spouse who is capable of carrying their weight and then some, not somebody that you will need to pick up and carry for the next 60 odd years.

Yep! This completely.

And yes, tattoo parlors tend to have limited walk-in time available, and it’s best to have an appointment. Shops located in party neighborhoods or places with heavy foot traffic excepted. Some artists have a wait list over a year long.

 

[Christ_Disciple]

Be patient and content and do not compromise and cut corners for a relationship (speaking from experience). Many fall into the trap that everything in life is a right. I had to wait until my mid-30’s before getting married (late 20’s before first girlfriend). We could hurt ourselves and/or our relationship with God for a desire for a spouse not in God’s timing or will.

 

[CaliLobo]

I just turned 21 years old last week, and as these past few days of a new birthday year have gone by for me, I can’t help but be really depressed as I reflect on the fact that yet another year has gone by, and another year of being single has arrived. I’ve never had a boyfriend, been on a date, been kissed, etc. throughout my whole life. And I have to sit and watch so many people younger than me going onto their third or fourth boyfriend, happily sailing through life…

I’d like to add a different angle, as I am one of those frustrated single male posters on CAF.

I’ve been told when I was 21 not to worry about it, and not to worry about what others are doing, that it will happen on God’s timing. But you still need to maximize your growth now. I’m 34 and still single. While others have dated, I have social awkwardness that I am still trying to grow out of. So many of my acquaintances are married, and it bothers me more than I’d like to admit. And they have children, which is something I wanted since I was eight years old.

Quite a few people end up unmarried at advanced age. They deny it bothers them, but of course it does. It is a wake up call to me.

There is no reason why an attractive 21 year old woman cannot get a boyfriend. There just isn’t. Double that if you are in college.

The most likely reasons are:

1. Weight. I’m very sorry to offend, but I feel honesty is best here, and most men are attracted to fit women. There’s just something about fat women that tells me that they aren’t doing their best with what they’ve been given. No matter how women look, women tell each other they are attractive all the time, to encourage each other. But honestly, could this be it?
2. Incorrect concepts of modesty. Do you dress so “modestly” that it comes across as asexual, like you’re not interested in men at all? Modesty doesn’t mean you can’t look beautiful. Women have access to fashion and beauty products that men can’t come close to. Despite all the scrupulous CAF threads, it’s not immodest in itself. Take full advantage of it.
3. Negative attitude when you are near men. Do you ever talk about how “all men” are “creepy”? Are “all men” jerks? Did college teach you that all masculinity is evil and femininity is to be cultivated? You weren’t supposed to follow everything the professors say. BTW, men cannot be psychic. Smile in front of us. Women have the gift of hospitality. We’ll be more likely to talk to you.
4. Different attitudes about sex and religion. Yes it’s true, men will reject you because you’re Christian. Men will also reject you if they want sex but you won’t have sex. Guess what, women do the same to men. You gotta find someone who believes the same way as you. I personally believe the Bible says interfaith marriage is forbidden (“unequally yoked”).
5. Being smart isn’t what men first look for. In fact, excellence in any field isn’t what men first look for. Honestly, that’s intimidating. Men don’t want to be out-alpha’ed. Hopefully, a man will be gentlemanly, and that will make you want to be part of his team. But, if you have certain passions, there is a good chance you will meet a man that shares that passion, and that man will understand what you’re going through in life. That, OP, is why actors date each other–not because they are attractive, but because they understand each other.

OP, it’s interesting that you wish to “rescue” this man. When I was in college I would try to gain women’s sympathies, hoping they would want to rescue me. I too wanted a co-dependent relationship. As a result I shared too much. I guess I’m just too darn honest. Maybe you and I are outliers but the world doesn’t work that way.