Depressed over being single

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One more thing–it is axiomatic that people do not change. People can only be the best version of themselves. (This principle is applied in business and it works everywhere else.)
 
CaliLobo said:
There is no reason why an attractive 21 year old woman cannot get a boyfriend. There just isn’t. Double that if you are in college.

**College is often absolutely terrible for dating for women these days. At some colleges, there are almost literally two women for every man.

A lot of students find that there almost isn’t any dating going on, period. I was in college 20 years ago, and looking back, there was pretty much no dating even then. At the time, I thought I was the only one, but then the last few years, I’ve thought about it and realized that only a small percentage of the people I knew had boyfriends or girlfriends.

Also, just her age is against her, as men generally date a little younger and women generally date a little older. There just aren’t a lot of mid-20 something undergraduates.

That’s why dating off campus probably needs to be considered as an option (but cautiously, of course).
**
  1. Incorrect concepts of modesty. Do you dress so “modestly” that it comes across as asexual, like you’re not interested in men at all? Modesty doesn’t mean you can’t look beautiful.
**I think that really can be a problem. I think back to the stuff I wore my first couple of years at college, and I suspect that a number of my outfits probably strongly suggested, “escapee from polygamous cult.” (Not that anybody knew about polygamous cults at the time. Plus, in my defense, my family just didn’t have a lot of money then, so shopping sprees were not really a thing.) **
  1. BTW, men cannot be psychic. Smile in front of us. Women have the gift of hospitality. We’ll be more likely to talk to you.
That’s good. I’d add, “SOME women have the gift of hospitality and charm or have had it beaten into them.” It’s not an entirely natural phenomenon. Oh, how my mom worked on me! Oh, how I work on my tween daughter!

OP, it’s interesting that you wish to “rescue” this man. When I was in college I would try to gain women’s sympathies, hoping they would want to rescue me. I too wanted a co-dependent relationship. As a result I shared too much. I guess I’m just too darn honest. Maybe you and I are outliers but the world doesn’t work that way.
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I think you were very lucky not to “catch” anybody with that strategy. Either you go on like that (terrible) or one or both of you grow up and find you don’t need each other anymore (terrible). I suspect that having children and/or a home together tends to make this kind of relationship problematic. At some point, it isn’t fun anymore to be the only fully functioning adult at home.

Begin as you mean to go on.

Good luck!
 
Xantippe said:
There are some single guys on CAF who believe women are only into bad boys who are going to go bananas over your thread.

Note to the single guys: bear in mind that what the OP finds irresistible and fascinating is the exciting, dissolute life combined with his being a wounded baby bird. In fact, it’s largely the dissolute life that makes the guy a wounded baby bird in the OP’s eyes. I feel like a lot of our single CAF guys miss out on the eagerness of women to swoop in and fix damaged men. It’s not merely the “alpha” aspect that is attractive–there often needs to be an element of vulnerability for attraction.

(Apologies to the OP if I got that totally wrong.)
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I think the bad boy part is what is more attractive…you could have men strung out from playing video games in their mother’s basement all day, eating Doritos and Mountain Dew and getting no vitamin D or exercise (instead of being strung out from riotous living typical of bad boys) and the women don’t jump in to “save” these sorts of men who are wounded baby birds.

But yeah I guess you’re right, the best for making a woman swoon like she’s at an Elvis concert is to have that combination of bad boy alpha aspect and a touch of the sensitive side.
 
Xantippe said:
I meant that some of our CAF single guys would read your thread and immediately think, “bad boy!” and resolve to get an appointment to get a tattoo (do tattoo parlors take appointments–not sure) and a motorcycle. I was pointing out that the attraction is actually somewhat more complicated than that.

It’s actually a very, very traditionally feminine thing to want to swoop in and save damaged men, just as many men have similar impulses to save damsels in distress. Neither is a formula for an enjoyable marriage–one needs a spouse who is capable of carrying their weight and then some, not somebody that you will need to pick up and carry for the next 60 odd years.
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Uh oh, you having to explain the dating worldview of frustrated single guy CAF members to OP because she doesn’t see it at all…maybe I was wrong about my Summa Datingae and the Graphic™.

:hmmm:
 
Estevao said:
I think the bad boy part is what is more attractive…you could have men strung out from playing video games in their mother’s basement all day, eating Doritos and Mountain Dew and getting no vitamin D or exercise (instead of being strung out from riotous living typical of bad boys) and the women don’t jump in to “save” these sorts of men who are wounded baby birds.

But yeah I guess you’re right, the best for making a woman swoon like she’s at an Elvis concert is to have that combination of bad boy alpha aspect and a touch of the sensitive side.
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It is one of the traditional formulas: tough, masculine, proud, unpredictable, but wounded and alienated so that only our heroine can save him! (See, for example, Mr. Rochester from Jane Eyre or (more recently) Dylan from 90210.)

A little hard to fake, though. I don’t recommend trying.
 
Going with another genre, I would suggest watching “My Best Friend’s Wedding.” The Julia Roberts character (who was more than a bit over 21!) was given a great piece of advice by a friend when she was chasing after her best friend. He asked her: Who is chasing you?

If you are doing all the chasing, you might want to look into why no one is chasing you.
 
Obsidion said:
I just turned 21 years old last week, and as these past few days of a new birthday year have gone by for me, I can’t help but be really depressed as I reflect on the fact that yet another year has gone by, and another year of being single has arrived. I’ve never had a boyfriend, been on a date, been kissed, etc. throughout my whole life. And I have to sit and watch so many people younger than me going onto their third or fourth boyfriend, happily sailing through life.

… I’m so upset. What should I do?
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I am a guy who had a similar problem with women. After high school, it seemed everywhere I went there was at least a 5:1 men to women ratio: engineering college, the military, an engineering career [plus dating at the office is a no-no]. I did have several really disappointing outcomes of promising relationships. By the time I was 33, I felt like you do now at 21. My prospects were nada, zilch, zero, zip.

Then one day I was reading a diocesan newspaper that carried an article that mentioned the Catholic Alumni Club, an organization for Catholic college grads eligible for marriage in the Church. [The grad requirement isn’t hard and fast. Some chapters have some non-grads. There are other single Catholic clubs also.] After some thought, I concluded that I had given searching my best efforts and decided to turn it over to God, and I sent my membership dues in to the nearest chapter. Beginning with the first social event I went to, I began meeting a lot of young women. Not two years went by before I met my future wife on the dance floor of the Club’s annual convention. We were married when I was 35, and she was 28. [You will excuse me for LOL at your statement about being 21.] So you see that your life isn’t over yet; you have plenty of time.

There is some good advice in other posts in this thread, particularly about your personal appearance. If your teeth need straightening, get them straightened. If you are overweight, lose some. I’ve met some plain Janes who I thought could be really attractive if they were less “butch,” got their hair done right, and wore something besides old jeans. Guys are visual beings so you want to make a good impression.

If you want a good laugh, find the movie, The Girl Most Likely To … staring Stockard Channing. It is about an ugly duckling co-ed who is transformed into a raving beauty.

I hope this has been helpful and encouraging. Good luck! 🙂
 
CaliLobo said:
I’d like to add a different angle, as I am one of those frustrated single male posters on CAF.

I’ve been told when I was 21 not to worry about it, and not to worry about what others are doing, that it will happen on God’s timing. But you still need to maximize your growth now. I’m 34 and still single. While others have dated, I have social awkwardness that I am still trying to grow out of. So many of my acquaintances are married, and it bothers me more than I’d like to admit. And they have children, which is something I wanted since I was eight years old.

Quite a few people end up unmarried at advanced age. They deny it bothers them, but of course it does. It is a wake up call to me.

There is no reason why an attractive 21 year old woman cannot get a boyfriend. There just isn’t. Double that if you are in college.

The most likely reasons are:
  1. Weight. I’m very sorry to offend, but I feel honesty is best here, and most men are attracted to fit women. There’s just something about fat women that tells me that they aren’t doing their best with what they’ve been given. No matter how women look, women tell each other they are attractive all the time, to encourage each other. But honestly, could this be it?
  2. Incorrect concepts of modesty. Do you dress so “modestly” that it comes across as asexual, like you’re not interested in men at all? Modesty doesn’t mean you can’t look beautiful. Women have access to fashion and beauty products that men can’t come close to. Despite all the scrupulous CAF threads, it’s not immodest in itself. Take full advantage of it.
  3. Negative attitude when you are near men. Do you ever talk about how “all men” are “creepy”? Are “all men” jerks? Did college teach you that all masculinity is evil and femininity is to be cultivated? You weren’t supposed to follow everything the professors say. BTW, men cannot be psychic. Smile in front of us. Women have the gift of hospitality. We’ll be more likely to talk to you.
  4. Different attitudes about sex and religion. Yes it’s true, men will reject you because you’re Christian. Men will also reject you if they want sex but you won’t have sex. Guess what, women do the same to men. You gotta find someone who believes the same way as you. I personally believe the Bible says interfaith marriage is forbidden (“unequally yoked”).
  5. Being smart isn’t what men first look for. In fact, excellence in any field isn’t what men first look for. Honestly, that’s intimidating. Men don’t want to be out-alpha’ed. Hopefully, a man will be gentlemanly, and that will make you want to be part of his team. But, if you have certain passions, there is a good chance you will meet a man that shares that passion, and that man will understand what you’re going through in life. That, OP, is why actors date each other–not because they are attractive, but because they understand each other.
OP, it’s interesting that you wish to “rescue” this man. When I was in college I would try to gain women’s sympathies, hoping they would want to rescue me. I too wanted a co-dependent relationship. As a result I shared too much. I guess I’m just too darn honest. Maybe you and I are outliers but the world doesn’t work that way.
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Wow! I don’t post often on CAF, but your post caught my eye…there are plenty of legitimate reasons why a young woman, especially in college, would experience trouble finding a boyfriend!

I agree with the poster Xantippe’s reply to your post… As Xantippe said, a good chunk of students and young adults simply aren’t dating. We are so busy! Most people in my circles of friends have a lot of responsibilities between working and school, so finding time to date is pretty tough. Finding people who also have time to date is also pretty tough.

I am also 21 and it is certainly difficult to meet solid Catholic guys! I dated a fellow for a good amount of time, but we eventually broke up due to feeling called in way different directions that simply aren’t compatible. Long story short… he wanted to discern the priesthood or get engaged, and I wanted to finish school. Lots more details than just that, though. But ultimately I just want to point out to the OP and just as a general statement, that dating multiple people doesn’t mean “sailing along”…breakups are tough! But the point I am in life is I am either going to marry or break up, so knowing that and keeping that in the front of my mind helps keep me focused. It helps me discount the men who are simply not marriage material.

Ok, anyway…I’m done now writing this post. Just wanted to toss in a few thoughts!
 
unstoppable_II said:
If you want a good laugh, find the movie, The Girl Most Likely To … staring Stockard Channing. It is about an ugly duckling co-ed who is transformed into a raving beauty.
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I remember that! Fun movie - revenge can be sweet. 😃

Didn’t Ed Asner play the cop who was after her?
 
“alcoholism, broken family, partying addictions, premarital sexual relations, and much more. I really felt like this was my one shot at finding the right guy for me, and I blew it. I wanted to help him through his issues because I can tell he’s very lost and I cared about him, but he ignored my texts and since”

First of all, re-read what you wrote. Do you have any idea how little you could ever do to help him through his issues? I am in the field and many won’t even discuss recovery, even with an intervention, rehab., post care! Many who do, have a relapse. So, you alone, were only going to be the victim of his ‘isms.’ If he is drinking, and into premarital sexual relations, he would have used you and thrown you away. With that problem, he is not looking for one, nice girl. Since you never actually went out with him, you know nothing about who he is and I always write about “Why The First Three Months Of a Relationship” don’t count. You would have also been in danger going out with someone so ill.

Having said that, you need to look at your background and figure out why you would get involved with anyone with so many problems? Chances are there is addiction of some kind in your family. Therefore, you were comfortable with his illness, and didn’t see it as the red flag it is.

Run, do not walk, to the nearest counselor and start working on yourself. Be glad he didn’t get anywhere near you and thank God for keeping you safe. It sounds as if you are in college. They usually have mental health centers. Go. Right now, what you are attracting is not what you want. Good luck.
 
GrandmaLaLa said:
Run, do not walk, to the nearest counselor and start working on yourself. Be glad he didn’t get anywhere near you and thank God for keeping you safe. It sounds as if you are in college. They usually have mental health centers. Go. Right now, what you are attracting is not what you want. Good luck.
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While I’m sure you mean well, I really don’t appreciate you trying to diagnose me with illnesses I don’t have nor do my family have.
 
As a 23 year old male who has never been in a relationship, been on a date, held hands, etc., I will share my thoughts.
What frustrates me is that people tell me I’m smart, attractive and have a good personality. If all that is true, than why am I still single?
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When people tell you that, they are being truthful but only to a point. If they are female friends, family, or older people, then it could all very well be empty flattery. I’m an morbidly obese man with a terrible complexion and I get called handsome all the time by my female family members. Why? Because they care about your self-esteem and they correctly think this is a relatively costless way to feel better about themselves by “helping” you.

On the other hand, if men you are interested in are telling you that you possess all these great qualities, then what they are saying is that - yes - while you have these qualities they do not constitute a whole sufficient enough for them to be interested.

Some on this forum will attempt to give you the dismissive spiel about how the Holy Spirit inspiring people is the causative force behind how relationships are formed, just let God guide you to the right person, etc. I, however, will challenge you to take an inductive look at the people in relationships around you. Assuming it is God guiding all these people, isn’t it a strange coincidence that He pairs people based off the same secular utility maximizing properties that one would expect of marriages rooted in purely sociobiological criteria? E.g. the fat paired with the fat, the accomplished with the accomplished, high amounts of endogamy.

To put it simply, I think you should question in what quantities you have beauty, intelligence, and charisma. This isn’t to say you’re ugly, stupid, or not socially adjusted. Ask yourself: if you’re really such a prize in the eyes of men, then why aren’t you being actively pursued all the time? Maybe you are and you don’t know it. I can’t say. Doesn’t really matter since your worth isn’t derived from men’s assessments.

Personally, I know I’m not an object of romantic desire. I probably won’t ever be. I do not live up to any of the pornographic ideals foisted upon me by society at large. And that’s okay.
 
DuxBellorum said:
When people tell you that, they are being truthful but only to a point. If they are female friends, family, or older people, then it could all very well be empty flattery. I’m an morbidly obese man with a terrible complexion and I get called handsome all the time by my female family members. Why? Because they care about your self-esteem and they correctly think this is a relatively costless way to feel better about themselves by “helping” you.

**Basically, they want you to be happy because they love you and they care about you.

Ergo, you are lovable. That’s good!**

On the other hand, if men you are interested in are telling you that you possess all these great qualities, then what they are saying is that - yes - while you have these qualities they do not constitute a whole sufficient enough for them to be interested.

**Or they don’t like girls or are asexual. They might also recognize some major incompatibility with regard to life goals, career, religion, attitude toward money, hoped for family size, geographical loyalties, family relationships, etc. One could be attracted, but recognize a major point of incompatibility and not pursue a relationship.

**

Some on this forum will attempt to give you the dismissive spiel about how the Holy Spirit inspiring people is the causative force behind how relationships are formed, just let God guide you to the right person, etc. I, however, will challenge you to take an inductive look at the people in relationships around you. Assuming it is God guiding all these people, isn’t it a strange coincidence that He pairs people based off the same secular utility maximizing properties that one would expect of marriages rooted in purely sociobiological criteria? E.g. the fat paired with the fat, the accomplished with the accomplished, high amounts of endogamy.

**Presumably, those couples are more compatible than the couples that don’t have a lot in common. **

To put it simply, I think you should question in what quantities you have beauty, intelligence, and charisma. This isn’t to say you’re ugly, stupid, or not socially adjusted. Ask yourself: if you’re really such a prize in the eyes of men, then why aren’t you being actively pursued all the time? Maybe you are and you don’t know it. I can’t say.

Very, very few women are being pursued "all the time."

Personally, I know I’m not an object of romantic desire. I probably won’t ever be. I do not live up to any of the pornographic ideals foisted upon me by society at large. And that’s okay.
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One of the nicest people I know is fat and has a bad complexion. He’s great socially, he’s smart, and he’s great at organizing stuff and thinking about other people’s needs. He also has a wife and she is quite nice (and also plump).
 
DuxBellorum said:
I’m an morbidly obese man with a terrible complexion and I get called handsome all the time by my female family members.
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I was the female version, tho I cycled from obese to skinny & back to obese a few times. The bad skin stuck with me until my 2nd pregnancy - the scars remain. I met my husband during a skinny phase - I think he may have later felt he was the victim of a bait & switch con. Tho I have finally lost most of the weight.

Women often get told they have good personalities - which wasn’t true in my case. I had the social skills of a hamster. I have since learned a lot, but I think shyness & a lack of social skills are more of a handicap than being overweight or plain.
 
Very early 20s is much too early to give up on marriage, particularly as the current age at first marriage in the US is now 27 for women and 29 for men.

A 21-year-old woman or a 23-year-old man simply aren’t yet in the prime age group for pairing off successfully.
 
Bonnie said:
Women often get told they have good personalities - which wasn’t true in my case. I had the social skills of a hamster. I have since learned a lot, but I think shyness & a lack of social skills are more of a handicap than being overweight or plain.
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Very true.

Looking back, I had the same handicaps as a young woman.
 
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