Desire for Death?

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emmaberry

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“Having a desire to depart and to be with Christ, which is far better.”—Philippians 1:23.

I am experiencing a completely new desire to depart and be with Jesus. It is overwhelming and, honestly, puts a little damper on everything I am doing. I have never felt this way before my ‘true conversion’ but now I just want to be with Jesus and experience the Beatific Vision of His Holy Face! Of course I am not suicidal or anything. I am excited to please Jesus in living out the vocation He has for me in the best way possible. I know I will enter eternity in way better shape after living a full life devoted to Jesus, but I just can’t shake this encompassing desire to depart and be with Him and His Mother.

What makes it even more difficult is that I read the Bible and look at the lives of the saints, and they share this desire! But it is so…not normal. I feel very strange being OK, even joyous, at death. My greatest fear used to be having my parents pass away, now, I would be OK because I would know they were in the glory of heaven and this would bring me so much joy!

Do any of you share this desire? How do you cope in day to day life? How do you deal with people giving you strange looks and such?
Thank you.
 
I do share a desire for true union with Jesus.

That’s why I was so happy to see that the Church has resources far beyond what this cradle Catholic ever even heard of until age 42, and then I felt that I’d lost out for not knowing about the “spiritual journey” all along – I’ve reconciled it with myself by now, sort of.

My last 10 years have been filled with much difficulty mentally, emotionally, and socially, but spiritually I’ve grown from essentially no knowledge of spirituality to right now I can’t even describe – nay, Shakespeare could not describe – the peace and joy I’m experiencing right now. After this bout with severe bipolar disorder which the Lord has seen fit to completely remove the last measurable bit just this year, I have learned and seen things things I never could have dreamed if it were not for that experience. And after 10 years of focusing quite a bit of time and effort into applying my engineering skills toward my own spiritual development and much guidance and love and support, I am ecstatic. Consolations have been pouring in from time to time and with increasing frequency, to the point where almost every moment feels like a consolation now.

Truly all the theories were right, the ones that seemed right to me while I was going through all that, and that this experience was like the “dark night of the soul” the St. John of the Cross wrote about. In the “safety” of the Dark Night, while I was protected by dedicated and loving family members and doctor and the Holy Spirit from excessive social harm, truly my soul has left where it was and found its lover, which I know because it seems every stanza in the “stanzas of the soul” makes perfect sense to me. So basically what I believe has happened is that once I started into spiritual direction and practices that moved me along the road, that I was experiencing purgation which even at the time was clearly therapeutic at least even though troubling and ugly for others to observe based on my outward appearances at the time – nobody really expected me to recover, but I kept doing what I was doing and how I am healed. Alleluia!!

With all this going on, life here on this earth can truly be led while attaining the mindset of “Christ consciousness” for lack of a better way to put it succinctly. When that happens, everything becomes different. Faith becomes sight. Things that made no sense and seemed to be the very most destructive things in my life … well, every day it is revealed to me more and more how the Lord used those things in my favor. Things I’ve believed and been told are coming true. Things I’ve believed and been told I was crazy or wrong or heretical or blasphemous or any number of other things I was called over this time period, are coming to life. Turns out Jesus was right and they were wrong. People don’t know, though, that there is a better way to live than we’ve been led to believe by others who are spiritually void. It all sounds good on paper, but it takes resolve, faith, foolishness, desperation, or other motivating factors to go against what it seems like 99% of one’s brothers in faith say but even as they say it they can’t help but think it fantastic.

(continued on next post)
 
(continued from previous post)

To stand on the Word, confident that He will come through with His promises to me and others – despite how many names one is called for being so naive to actually believe what one professes – yields fruit far beyond worldly riches.

It’s like: gosh, don’t you know all this is just a game and we say it all but don’t mean it – God didn’t really adopt us into His family, for example, did He? We wouldn’t be worthy of that, right? Right? (someone says, “right.”) OK, it’s settled then; we are going to say these prayers every week and do the same things every week and until the day we die we will toil in misery in the hopes that it will earn us places in heaven. Everybody together in this? OK, ready … stagnate!! — Unfortunately, this is how many believers I know come across in the way they talk. They know everything in the Bible and large amounts of church teachings, saintly writings, etc. but it’s still in their heads. The problem is that the harder they try to figure out how to get to God (surprise, we didn’t have to find Him; He’s already in us so all we have to do is get our bushel out of the way and our Light will begin to shine. Without proper spiritual direction (which probably means at least 96% of Catholics) we may never realize this strategy is a very ineffective and brutal way to try to get there. It doesn’t occur to us, especially based on our social upbringing, that the quickest way to a solution is to get control of that mind, and get it OUT OF THE WAY so that the Holy Spirit can enter and speak directly to our hearts without the mind thinking it has to be the gatekeeper to protect the heart – but the mind in this case throws out the baby with the bathwater so to speak, so we prevent ourselves from acknowledging certain types of feelings, and in the process we prevent ourselves from being open to feel, experience, and be led by the silent groanings of the Spirit, which we experience but cannot know.

With all this going on, frankly, heaven can wait. This phase of my life is so fascinating and fulfilling it’s amazing. Every hour consolations roll in, the feeling of unity with others both on Internet and in “real life” increases, the simplicity and beauty of God’s teachings become more self-evident all the time. Peace and joy reach daily records beyond what I might have imagined the day before. It’s like an avalanche of blessings has been building up for ten years, but over the last couple months really has broken loose and is sweeping right from where I was to places I never dreamed to ask to go.

It’s all true, and it’s all possible. Stand on the Word, and you may join me here wherever it is that I am. It isn’t about suffering while alive to help us after we’re dead. Our suffering helps us in the here and now if we’ll only let God finish in us what each of our bruises began. What looks like damage from our worldly eyes turn into untold riches to our faith eyes.

So yeah, I say it is not wrong to desire death and reuniting with God in that way, but it would be like trying to take a vacation with unfinished work at home. It’s like going on a vacation and it does us no good because our minds are back on our work. If we can persevere and with gentle guidance complete phase 1 of our project, we can participate in phase 2, which connects us directly to the sorts of blessings we would not have known until after death had we not completed phase 1.

Moving on to the second part (born again, enlightened, self-actualized, transforming and/or Divine Union, awake, the kingdom, whatever your belief system calls it) is like getting a joke for the first time. Others can explain it and you might understand it in your mind, but it just doesn’t seem funny. Then all of a sudden one day it really strikes you and you laugh. You always knew it was funny, but now you’re actually experiencing the humor rather than just understanding it.

Then you find out the punch line to the joke. There punch line is that you never really had to go anywhere to get all this. You were there the whole time, but your own state of mind prevented you from recognizing it.

Yeah. If heaven is better than this, I hope it can wait because I’m really enjoying this appetizer. I’m sure God will call me when it’s my turn for the main course, I don’t think I’m going to miss it by escaping worldly death – no matter how fun and rewarding earthly life can be. I may be called right now, but I would also be pleased to live a very long time on this planet, serving the Lord with and through others.

Alan
 
Great posts by the way. I would like to add my observations.

Considering that the ultimate fate of all man is death then it makes sense that we do all that we can to prepare for it. In doing so we become firmly aware by faith that death is overcome by our Lord and replaced with eternal life. So we yearn to look forward to it. So we are not at all desiring death, we are desiring eternal life.

This is altogether different to the suicide who seeks to end life and embrace nothingness.

But in a sense there is a kind of suicide taking place as we reach toward eternal life. We are putting to death the old man of the flesh and the hold which the flesh still has over us.
*Eph 4:21 If so be that ye have heard him, and have been taught by him, as the truth is in Jesus: 22 That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; 23 And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; 24 And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true [6] holiness. *

Perhaps this scripture is more pertinent to converts than to cradle catholics but I think it illustrates that many of us have deceitful lusts which need to be removed so that the spiritual man may be renewed. So this is how we know that we love Christ and are desiring eternal life. We will be keeping his commandments and casting of the works of the flesh which are associated with the sinful life of this earthly world. We will be taking on a holy life trying to make heaven out of this life on earth for us and for all those around us.

This is the work of the Holy Ghost among us to bring heaven down to earth by the Blessed Sacrament lived out in Holy lives of saints on earth.

Therefore let us hear the exhortations of the Apostle Paul
1 Thess 5:12 And we beseech you, brethren, to know them which labour among you, and are over you in the Lord, and admonish you; 13 And to esteem them very highly in love for their work’s sake. And be at peace among yourselves. 14 Now we exhort [2] you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feebleminded, support the weak, be patient toward all men. 15 See that none render evil for evil unto any man; but ever follow that which is good, both among yourselves, and to all men.
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16 Rejoice evermore. 17 Pray without ceasing. 18 In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. 19 Quench not the Spirit. 20 Despise not prophesyings. 21 Prove all things; hold fast that which is good. 22 Abstain from all appearance of evil.
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23 And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. 24 Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it.

25 Brethren, pray for us. 26 Greet all the brethren with an holy kiss. 27 I charge [3] you by the Lord that this epistle be read unto all the holy brethren. 28 The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you. Amen.
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petrel said:
But in a sense there is a kind of suicide taking place as we reach toward eternal life. We are putting to death the old man of the flesh and the hold which the flesh still has over us.

…

This is the work of the Holy Ghost among us to bring heaven down to earth by the Blessed Sacrament lived out in Holy lives of saints on earth.

Therefore let us hear the exhortations of the Apostle Paul
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Excellent points! Every time our dreams fade and our plans run into dead ends or our projects don’t succeed, we die a little and if we grieve properly over these things, each and every single disappointment in life can be used by God to “kill” the “old man of the flesh” (I call it the false self) and we have just invited God to bring one more little puzzle piece down from heaven and put it in place in the new minds and hearts He is building in us.

Alan
 
hum . . i think like the holy monks and elders who live to old age and die a natural death.

don’t commit suicide for selfish reasons. god bless
 
emmaberry said:
“Having a desire to depart and to be with Christ, which is far better.”—Philippians 1:23.

I am experiencing a completely new desire to depart and be with Jesus. It is overwhelming and, honestly, puts a little damper on everything I am doing. I have never felt this way before my ‘true conversion’ but now I just want to be with Jesus and experience the Beatific Vision of His Holy Face! Of course I am not suicidal or anything. I am excited to please Jesus in living out the vocation He has for me in the best way possible. I know I will enter eternity in way better shape after living a full life devoted to Jesus, but I just can’t shake this encompassing desire to depart and be with Him and His Mother.

What makes it even more difficult is that I read the Bible and look at the lives of the saints, and they share this desire! But it is so…not normal. I feel very strange being OK, even joyous, at death. My greatest fear used to be having my parents pass away, now, I would be OK because I would know they were in the glory of heaven and this would bring me so much joy!

Do any of you share this desire? How do you cope in day to day life? How do you deal with people giving you strange looks and such?
Thank you.
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Boy, you have a jog to do here and no one may do it for you…
 
As Bl. Pier Georgio Frassatti said " The happiest day of my life will be the day I die". Any true Catholic will certainly desire death
 
Good Grief !

I must not be a true Catholic :eek:

I love life and am in no hurry to turn up my toes thank you.

I survived a heart attack in September and a head on collision on 12/23/11 just 11 days ago and there is plenty here on earth to accomplish yet .
 
What you describe is not desire for death but for eternal life in Heaven. Death is the way we get there, but not the goal of Christians. I think that this desire is natural for the person who has God at the centre of their life and seeks to do His will.
 
Pfaffenhoffen said:
Boy, you have a jog to do here and no one may do it for you…
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Could you explain what you mean? I think you were saying that I will have to work on this myself and that posting on a forum won’t really solve the issue.
 
horselvr said:
Good Grief !

I must not be a true Catholic :eek:

I love life and am in no hurry to turn up my toes thank you.

I survived a heart attack in September and a head on collision on 12/23/11 just 11 days ago and there is plenty here on earth to accomplish yet .
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Thank goodness you survived that collision! :eek:
What a wonderful Christmas gift that you were safe.
 
seanom said:
As Bl. Pier Georgio Frassatti said " The happiest day of my life will be the day I die". Any true Catholic will certainly desire death
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WOW. I LOVE that quote. But the problem still remains-if this desire for eternal life which we enter through death should be standard for all Christians/Catholics, then why is it that so SO many don’t feel it at all? I know a vast amount of people who are farther along in their walk with God and, frankly, are far holier than me also. None seem to express this desire!

I almost feel like it is a spiritual gift that God gives you, otherwise I just don’t know how I could feel this when so many do not.

On a side note, this desire could have sprang up from my probably vocation to the cloistered religious life, which is basically the prelude to Heaven here on Earth, where God is the complete and literal center of the life.

And on THAT note, even if this desire is a spiritual gift, it makes me so sad! I just want to be with Jesus. I am quenching the desire by spending a lot of time with Jesus in the Eucharist, but then I don’t want to tear myself away from him in Adoration either! How could God give us the Blessed Sacrament and expect us not to spend our whole lives in adoration, 24/7?
^I guess that is where the cloistered vocation comes in…🤷
 
AlanFromWichita said:
Then you find out the punch line to the joke. There punch line is that you never really had to go anywhere to get all this. You were there the whole time, but your own state of mind prevented you from recognizing it.
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Like Dorothy in “the Wizard of Oz”…

Dorothy: Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?
Glinda: You don’t need to be helped any longer. You’ve always had the power to go back to Kansas.
Dorothy: I have?
Scarecrow: Then why didn’t you tell her before?
Glinda: Because she wouldn’t have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.

(Source.)

Thanks for that powerful testimony, Alan, it was a pleasure to read!
 
Thanks Emma and I have to marvel at your zest and how very spiritual you are.
God Bless you dear Emma. 🙂
 
emmaberry said:
Could you explain what you mean? I think you were saying that I will have to work on this myself and that posting on a forum won’t really solve the issue.
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That threw me for a bit but I think I figured it out …
Pfaffenhoffen said:
Boy, you have a jog to do here and no one may do it for you…
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I took this to mean that the “g” was a typo. So to me it meant, “God has a unique job for only you to do while you are still here on this earth.”

Alan
 
Snugglebugmom said:
Like Dorothy in “the Wizard of Oz”…

Dorothy: Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?
Glinda: You don’t need to be helped any longer. You’ve always had the power to go back to Kansas.
Dorothy: I have?
Scarecrow: Then why didn’t you tell her before?
Glinda: Because she wouldn’t have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.

(Source.)

Thanks for that powerful testimony, Alan, it was a pleasure to read!
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Very nice example. Thank you for it, and you’re welcome.

Alan
 
I definitely desire to die and be with God in Heaven. And no, I am not suicidal either. I experience this desire practically every day. I know that Heaven will be infinitely better than what I have here on earth and so I desire Heaven with all of my heart and soul.
 
Holly3278 said:
I definitely desire to die and be with God in Heaven. And no, I am not suicidal either. I experience this desire practically every day. I know that Heaven will be infinitely better than what I have here on earth and so I desire Heaven with all of my heart and soul.
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Good to see someone else feels this way as well! 🙂
 
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