Maybe you did not see my post or read it because it was too lengthy, so I’ll keep this one short and to the point:
Despair is a temptation from the devil.
In contrast, see how true contrition and repentance, which comes from a God, looks like:
St. Gemma wrote, " So about five o’clock I began to feel so great a sorrow for my sins that I seemed to be beside myself through fright; but to this there succeeded almost immediately a hope in the mercy of God which calmed me."
Again, she writes, " Evening came, and all of a sudden, earlier than usual, I felt an interior sorrow for my sins, far deeper than I had ever experienced before. In fact, it brought me very, very close to death. After this, all the powers of my soul became recollected. I could think of nothing but my sins, and the offense that they gave to God. My memory recalled all my past sins to mind, and made me see all the torments that Jesus had suffered in order to save me. And my will made me detest them, and promise to be willing to suffer anything in order to expiate them. My mind was flooded with thoughts; thoughts of sorrow, of love, of fear, of hope and of comfort." (emphasis is mine).
As far as I can see in what you posted, you have not experienced the true sorrow for sins which comes from God. When God gives you knowledge of the gravity of your sins, He always, always gives complete trust and hope in His mercy along with it.
The devil, by contrast, is called The Great Accuser for a reason. He spends all his time trying to goad us to sin and when we do, he crows over it. His entire aim to to take our focus off of God’s goodness and mercy, and to dwell on ourselves. In this case, despair becomes the other side of the coin from pride, for then we begin to think that God cannot forgive so great a sin as ours, that our sins are somehow worse than the average Joe. There is no sin so terrible that God cannot forgive it. God does not want you to wallow in despair and dejection, for then you become mired in inaction and sorrow.
The most important thing for you to do right now is go to confession and tell the priest the temptation to despair you are suffering and how long and how often. Then listen to his advice and follow it peacefully.
Think of this prayer by Fr. Michael Quoist:
I have fallen, Lord,
Once more.
I can’t go on, I’ll never succeed.
I am ashamed, I don’t dare look at you.
And yet I struggled, Lord, for I knew you were right near me, bending over me, watching.
But temptation blew like a hurricane,
And instead of looking at you I turned my head away,
I stepped aside
While you stood, silent and sorrowful.
Lord, don’t look at me like that.
I dare make no more promises,
I can only lie bowed before you.
[The Father’s Response]
Come, son, look up.
Isn’t it mainly your vanity that is wounded?
If you loved me, you would grieve, but you would trust.
Do you think that there’s a limit to God’s love?
Do you think that for a moment I stopped loving you?
But you still rely on yourself, son. You must rely only on me.
Ask my pardon
And get up quickly.
You see,* it’s not falling that is the worst,
But staying on the ground.**
God bless.
