Desparate for advice- Husband's buddhism damaging our marriage

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My husband is “really into” buddhism. I am trying to accept this. However, he travels away from home with his “sangha”(group of Buddhist friends) for meditation seminars. There are both men and women in this group, many of them single. Last year he traveled out west with them(there is a big retreat center in the Colorado mountains)- which is a major trip! I did not want him to go, but he went anyway. He just announced to me that he will be going back there. He also said that he wanted to go away more in the future, possibly even for a month.

He resents me because he says that I do not show any interest in something that is so meaningful to him. He says that if I really loved him, I would be interested in what he is doing and happy for him.

I am trying to accept this, but I just can’t be excited about it. I don’t know how to explain this to him. I do not like him leaving home with these people. This is completely foreign to me, as I grew up in a Catholic family where my father would have never left my mother to go off with a group of men and women. This issue has put a big wedge in our marriage.

What am I doing wrong? I don’t want to damage my marriage, but I can’t fake excitement. Is it fair for him to think my attitude is due to lack of love??
 
jcr–You don’t say how long you have been married, are you a practicing Catholic, was your husband a practicing Catholic, did you marry in a Catholic Church, and do you have children? All of these would affect what we can suggest to you. It would be helpful if you give more background information.
 
La Chiara-

Thank you so much for replying!
I am a practicing Catholic. I have been married for 21 years, and we have 3 children(2 in college, 1 a freshman in high school). My husband has never been Catholic, but we were married in the Catholic church. He has always been searching for something(he was a unitarian for awhile), and he has found it in buddhism. Like many young people, I did not realize how important my religion was to me (and to my children) when we married. My husband is a good and kind man. He does not understand why this is a problem for me.
 
jcr–It sounds like you need to have a serious talk with your husband. But first, you should probably think and pray long and hard. You should probably talk to a priest and also do some research on Buddhism so you know what you are up against. It seems to me that he needs to respect your faith and put your marriage above the practice of his faith. Going away for a month at a time is very damaging to your marriage. I am sure that this is very difficult for you. God bless you.
 
I agree with La Chiara. These answers would be very helpful because I’d want to know if he is a Catholic just looking for more, or if he was Buddhist all along.

There have been a number of Catholics who are looking for greater spirituality than they usually get on the “front lines.” Some of them turn to eastern religions because they offer practices which can be good, but they aren’t Catholic. For one who doesn’t dig below the surface, it would appear Catholicism is more shallow, but that is far from the case. There are two main components to Catholic tradition; the apophatic and the catophatic (sp?) traditions. The saints and mystics were participants in both. It’s hard to describe, and I’m not an expert, but it’s kind of like cataphatic is trying to know what God is, and apophatic is more like knowing God by what He isn’t. (Don’t take my word for that, though; it’s been a while since I’ve heard it correctly described.)

You might seriously want to contact an organization called “contemplative outreach” which was founded by monks concerned with the exodus from the Church to eastern disciplines. They have adapted ancient forms of silent prayer and prepared teaching videotapes on the spiritual journey for people who have active lives, as opposed to those who can live 24/7 in a monastery. If you send me a PM with your home town, I can find out who is your area representative, or you can look it up on their home page, “www.contemplativeoutreach.org”

Note that some posters who know what I’m talking about will try to tell you this is new age, but I assure you it is nothing of the kind. I’m just stating this now so if they “pop up” in the thread you will know you heard it from me first.😉

Alan
 
I see that my posts have crossed yours “in the mail.” From what you say, now I definitely think you should consider inviting him to a centering prayer meeting, if such meetins exist in your area – especially if they feature showing videotapes from Fr. Keating and company. Sometimes they have special meetings for first timers, but you can talk to your area rep.

Also, as La Chiara suggested, you might want to learn a bit about Buddhism. I first learned about Buddhism by listening to lectures by philospher Alan Watts, a former Anglican priest turned Buddhist who then spent a lot of time lecturing westerners about eastern concepts. I had a number of lectures by him, but lost many. Let me know if I can help, or maybe I can even send you some CD’s. Buddhism can be fascinating, but in my experience you can get the same thing through study of the spiritual journey within Catholicism. I have more to suggest but I’ll leave it at that for the moment.

Alan
 
You’re right about one spouse leaving the other for a period of time to pursue something that the other one doesn’t appreciate or is attracted to for themselves. It’s very, very damaging.

I wouldn’t go the route of centering prayer, though. I tried it with a group from my parish but found it to be an extremely disturbing experience. Did it every week with the group, and daily alone, for about 6 or 7 weeks. Doing it felt WAY TOO New Age for me. It’s NOT officially sanctioned by the Roman Catholic church, by the way. So, please do your research about it first – personally try it out, even – before you bring it up with your husband.

DO research Buddhism, what it’s about, etc. I’ve studied it some for my upper division minor in Comparative Religion at the local state university. A main tenet of Buddhism is to awaken. You can build on that desire that’s in your husband as a building block in encouraging him to research Christianity as part of his awakening.

couldn’t hurt… :o

KNOW your own Faith… learn the stories of the saints who are Christian mystics.

Then, ask him what it is about Buddhism that attracts him. You can find a common ground between what attracts him to Buddhism and what attracts you to Christianity, especially as a Catholic.

Pray, pray, and pray. Ask our Lady to help you.

Hang in there. You’ve got God on your side. And on his, as well. For sure.
:getholy: :coffee: ❤️ :bible1: :twocents:
 
I found an audio file of Alan Watts I published on a web site for a friend to listen to, called “Intellectual Yoga” that might give you a very brief introduction. It is 7M .mp3 file; you can download it at:

wordsfree.org/frado/

The file name is w1111.mp3

Alan
 
I agree that it is important to learn as much as you can about Buddism. And it is equally as important to brush up on why you are a Christian from a Catholic perspective. It is important to know both sides so that you can be armed with the truth, not so that you will be appreciative or sympathetic to your husband’s new path. New age and eastern religions have no answers. There is no clear reason for doing anything because the focus is all on the self and nothing else. And we all know what can happen when we focus totally on ourselves…

Pray for your husband and talk to your priest. I’ll pray for you too.
 
Thanks for all the helpful advice!

I do understand the basics of Buddhism- there’s certainly nothing wrong with the practices(except, of course, that they stop short). I will try to find some common ground.
My biggest problem with our differences is his need to travel, without me, to his various Buddhist sessions with this group of men and women(many of them single). He has gone for many weekends, one week long trip, another one planned, and then he threw that 1 month bomb on me! I have been sad and upset ever since, and that makes him mad at me for not being happy for him! I don’t know how to fix this- I don’t think he’s going to budge. He planned his next trip behind my back, and then announced the plans to me the other day. He said if I wasn’t so resistant to what he wanted to do, he wouldn’t have to do that(although he did say he would be honest next time). In his mind, this is what he needs to do, and I should be happy for him.

I’m afraid,in time, that this will tear us apart.
 
If you were my daugher coming to me for advice I would say your husband is in the grip of a cult, you need marital counselling and legal advice FAST, take legal steps to protect your material assets, your credit, and your children, get yourself in spiritual counselling, which you will need when your marriage dissolves, which it will do you discover the extent of his activities. If he were travelling with a mixed group of men and women including singles for work, sports, recreation or any other purpose and living closely with them for some length of time, would you be suspicious?
 
I love the suggestions people have provided thus far. And while you are both learning each other’s beliefs, I would take a Green Scapular and place it in his sock drawer - or hide it under the bed and start praying for a conversion for your husband. Hide it in his suitcase when he travels too.

I realize you said he has never been interested in Catholicism - but life would be better if he was miraculously converted, right? So you may as well shoot for God’s gold and pray for a conversion.

The Green Scapular is a powerful tool for this purpose and does not need to be worn, but can be hidden in the house. You will just need to say the daily prayer that is associate with it for the soul of those who you seek conversion.
Incorportating spiritual weapons in this battle will help so much.
 
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puzzleannie:
If you were my daugher coming to me for advice I would say your husband is in the grip of a cult, you need marital counselling and legal advice FAST, take legal steps to protect your material assets, your credit, and your children, get yourself in spiritual counselling, which you will need when your marriage dissolves, which it will do you discover the extent of his activities. If he were travelling with a mixed group of men and women including singles for work, sports, recreation or any other purpose and living closely with them for some length of time, would you be suspicious?
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I agree with puzzleannie. This is not a good thing he is doing. It would actually be better if he was traveling for work, sports, or recreation. The bottom line is that Buddists do not have a personal relationship with Jesus and they certainly do not have the same ideals about marriage and family as we Christians do. I’m not telling you to leave him. But don’t give in either. Your husband is the most important person in your life, but God is even more important. Stick with Him, and he’ll show you safely out or stick with you through this time of struggle. This makes me sad. I will definitely pray for both of you.
 
You need to become a PRAYER WARRIOR…ASAP

Pray the Rosary…do a Novena to St Jude (impossible causes)…also do one to St Anthony (for your husband to find the TRUE Faith) and do another to Our Lady of Good Remedy or Our Lady of Perpetual Help

Buy some St Benedict Medals (saint known for keeping away demonic and all evil influences and dangers…Buddism has NO PLACE in a home dedicated to Christ) have them blessed by a Priest…bury one near your front entrance and one near your back exit

Also buy a Miraculous Medal… and have THAT blessed

Sew a St Benedict and Miraculous medal into his pillow…cut a hole in his pillow, insert them DEEP into the MIDDLE of the stuffing, sew back up, replace pillow case…if you are too afraid to attempt that, then TAPE both BLESSED Medals UNDERNEATH your bed, on the side he sleeps on.

Dont stop praying for his conversion… and dont argue with him.

Sound drastic? Yep…sound superstitious? Only if you dont buy into the COMMUNION of the SAINTS… The Church gave us these wonderful medals…USE THEM for a very important reason…helping your spouse to SALVATION. Live the Gospel, try these things I recommended…sit back and watch…EXPECT a Miracle…but let it happen in Gods GOOD TIME…you take action, (supply the fuel) and let God do the Driving…he WILL NOT let you down!

Before doing ANYTHING, go to confession for yourself so your prayers, & novenas will be offered by you in a State of Grace

God Bless you.
 
My husband did say that I could come with him on the next trip. But I really DO NOT want to go to Shambala mountain center(a big buddhist center in the middle of nowhere) in Colorado and sit around there while he meditates! I would not feel comfortable doing that! I don’t think I should have to do that- should I??
 
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jcr:
My husband did say that I could come with him on the next trip. But I really DO NOT want to go to Shambala mountain center(a big buddhist center in the middle of nowhere) in Colorado and sit around there while he meditates! I would not feel comfortable doing that! I don’t think I should have to do that- should I??
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No, absolutely not.
 
Dear Veronica Anne,

I fully understand that you, personally, may not be drawn to centering prayer. Many westerners have trouble with sitting quietly.

What do you mean, though, by “it’s NOT officially sanctioned by the Roman Catholic church?” Centering prayer is based strictly on ancient Catholic traditions, and is fully compatible with Catholicism. At a 1997 synod of bishops, Most Rev. Fr. Bernardo Olivera, O.C.S.O. spoke about the personal encounter with the living Jesus Christ, and said:
This is why, according to the Latin American bishops, it has to be ensured that all levels of pastoral activity give priority to contemplation and holiness, so that the Church can represent the presence of God in modern day man who thirsts for Him (144). To this end, the Pastors should acquire the proper means to foster an authentic experience of God in the lay faithful (99). We might ask what has happened to all these desires, announcements and proclamations. In order to favor the personal encounter with the Living Christ, I would like to propose the following measures.
  • To make certain forms known, both traditional and current, of Christian contemplative prayer, as for instance, in centering prayer. These forms of prayer allow many Christians to encounter, in their own spiritual tradition, what they find in other eastern traditions.
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Source: vatican.va/news_services/press/sinodo/documents/bollettino_17_speciale-america-1997/02_inglese/b13_02.html

The CCC speaks of Contemplative prayer (centering prayer is a method that seeks to attain contemplative prayer) more than the other two forms (Meditative and Vocal) of prayer, combined.

Check it out in the CCC paragraphs 2697-2724, at: usccb.org/catechism/text/pt4sect1chpt3.htm
For example (bold face added):
Catechism of the Catholic Church:
2704 Because it is external and so thoroughly human, vocal prayer is the form of prayer most readily accessible to groups. Even interior prayer, however, cannot neglect vocal prayer. Prayer is internalized to the extent that we become aware of him “to whom we speak.” Thus vocal prayer becomes an initial form of contemplative prayer.
…
2708 Meditation engages thought, imagination, emotion, and desire. This mobilization of faculties is necessary in order to deepen our convictions of faith, prompt the conversion of our heart, and strengthen our will to follow Christ. Christian prayer tries above all to meditate on the mysteries of Christ, as in lectio divina or the rosary. This form of prayerful reflection is of great value, but Christian prayer should go further: to the knowledge of the love of the Lord Jesus, to union with him.
…
2709 What is contemplative prayer? St. Teresa answers: “Contemplative prayer [oración mental] in my opinion is nothing else than a close sharing between friends; it means taking time frequently to be alone with him who we know loves us.” Contemplative prayer seeks him “whom my soul loves.” It is Jesus, and in him, the Father. We seek him, because to desire him is always the beginning of love, and we seek him in that pure faith which causes us to be born of him and to live in him. In this inner prayer we can still meditate, but our attention is fixed on the Lord himself.
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I can hardly think of anything “more Catholic” than contemplative prayer, of which centering prayer is a kind. The centering prayer method is based on “The Cloud of the Unknowing” by a 14th century author.

jcr, the more I read of your situation, the more I am convinced this is something you really should look into. Your husband might find that the Catholic Church has what he needs, and you might find a much deeper and more rewarding prayer life yourself out of the whole thing.

Alan
 
A dear friend of mine recently made a retreat to the Abbey of Gethsemani in Trappist, KY. This is the monastary where Thomas Merton was a brother.

Perhaps you could both read some of Merton’s work, and offer him a retreat at Gethsemani.

They have a web site www.monks.org

Peace - Kage
 
My husband is “really into” buddhism. I am trying to accept this.
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Don’t accept it. I’m not saying heap scorn on him, but don’t accept it.

Contemplative prayer might not offer what the husband is seeking. Contemplative prayer is about the mysteries of God, and about our sinful fallen nature. Buddhist meditation is about la nada. It’s quite a different kettle of fish. You could try to sell him on Catholic contemplation, but recall that he disbelieves all the things that contemplation is focused on.

The best way forward may be to explain to him that Christ really is God. Check Kreeft & Tacelli, Fundamentals of Christian Apologetics for some simple and well-organized proofs of the different theses of the Church. I am tempted to say that men respond in some sense to logic. I’m sure women do too, but I’m just saying, if you present him with a factual trail that can’t be denied, it will work on him slowly.

It’s a difficult situation too because the man’s job in the household is to lead, and he is being derelict in this regard. The woman ‘leads’ through her piety, not so much through her argumentation. So indeed, become a prayer warrior.
For as the heavens are exalted above the earth, so are my ways exalted above your ways, and my thoughts above your thoughts. *
 
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