Desparate for advice- Husband's buddhism damaging our marriage

[maendem]

Here’s my two cents for what must be a very painful problem:

I’m astonished that most of the answers here are cast as if this were primarily a religious issue–Catholicism versus Buddhism, and what common ground can be found between them, if any.

IT’S NOT, at least not at this point. This is about your marriage, and choices and activities your husband has chosen to pursue which are damaging to your life together and dismissive of your needs and concerns. The fact that he is spending unreasonably large amounts of time away from you in a group of singles (and plans to continue despite your protests) is the real problem, not the fact that the group he spends it with are Buddhism-oriented.

Yes, the latter brings its own concerns, especially if you are a faithful Catholic. But if you address his undermining of your marriage in religious terms, he may consider it an attack on his newfound faith/religion. The problem is that he is hurting you and your marriage, and nothing–no faith, no group, no spiritual experience in any religion–gives him the right to do that. His choices have nothing to do with love and respect, which are surely Buddhist values as well as Catholic ones… I would start there.

And pray. Pray a lot. I’ll pray for you both too.

 

[jrabs]

Faithful 2 Rome:

You need to become a PRAYER WARRIOR…ASAP

Pray the Rosary…do a Novena to St Jude (impossible causes)…also do one to St Anthony (for your husband to find the TRUE Faith) and do another to Our Lady of Good Remedy or Our Lady of Perpetual Help

Buy some St Benedict Medals (saint known for keeping away demonic and all evil influences and dangers…Buddism has NO PLACE in a home dedicated to Christ) have them blessed by a Priest…bury one near your front entrance and one near your back exit

Also buy a Miraculous Medal… and have THAT blessed

Sew a St Benedict and Miraculous medal into his pillow…cut a hole in his pillow, insert them DEEP into the MIDDLE of the stuffing, sew back up, replace pillow case…if you are too afraid to attempt that, then TAPE both BLESSED Medals UNDERNEATH your bed, on the side he sleeps on.

Dont stop praying for his conversion… and dont argue with him.

Sound drastic? Yep…sound superstitious? Only if you dont buy into the COMMUNION of the SAINTS… The Church gave us these wonderful medals…USE THEM for a very important reason…helping your spouse to SALVATION. Live the Gospel, try these things I recommended…sit back and watch…EXPECT a Miracle…but let it happen in Gods GOOD TIME…you take action, (supply the fuel) and let God do the Driving…he WILL NOT let you down!

Before doing ANYTHING, go to confession for yourself so your prayers, & novenas will be offered by you in a State of Grace

God Bless you.

yeah yeah yeah - I like all of this. This is GOOD STUFF! and powerful too!

 

[jcr]

csr:

How, then do I go about “not accepting it”. How do I keep up a close, intimate relationship with a man who is behaving this way? I must tell you that when he went out to this same place last year he met and had an affair w/ a woman he met out there. He told me only after I discovered numerous phone calls made after he returned. He immediately ended it, but it was(still is) devastating. He has tried very hard to help me through it, has been regretful, and promises me that it will never happen again. [ his](file:// his)?

I don’t think that this woman will be out there when he goes back. I really don’t think that he would do such a thing again. But my high emotions about all this stem partly from that terrible experience.

How do I "accept " everything and still keep the marriage healthy? I certainly don’t feel close to him right now.

Like I said, I can deal w/ his attachment to buddhism(I don’t like it, but I’m dealing w/ it)- but I’m having a terrible time going along with his travels with a group of men and women that I have no connection to. He insists that his meeting w/ his group and traveling to meditation/ study meetings are vital to his growth in buddhism.

P.S.- I don’t understand why Mother Theresa would “worship” in front of a statue of Buddha. Is it just respect for Christ like ways?

I in fear for my marriage.

 

[Kater30]

csr:

I keep thinking of Mother Theresa in this regards. Here she is praying before the Buddha.

Ok, I totally don’t understand this. I highly doubt that Mother Theresa is going to “worship” Buddha. There’s gotta be an explanation for all that.

Ok, so now we have more of the story. The husband had an affair at one of these Buddist ‘getaways’. No wonder you don’t want him to go. Isn’t adultery grounds for divorce? I’m still a protestant, so I don’t know. Regardless of his religion, he is not making an effort to keep his family together. Why should he expect you to be “happy for him” when he’s going off to the same place where he cheated on you before. He’s psychotic. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. I have experience with this type of guy. I bet he’s a charmer too, huh? Man oh man, I was trying to be diplomatic at first, but this just makes me angry. You shouldn’t have to compromise your beliefs and fake your feelings just because he wants a life outside of your marriage vows. Let him go to his retreats and let him be a buddist. But make sure you’re at the door when he comes home…standing strong, steadfast, and faithful to the truth!!! Just as darkness is the absence of light, evil is the absence of Christ. Shine Christ’s light into his life and expose what’s hidden in his darkness!!! Praise be to the Lord!!!

 

[jcr]

maendem:

Yes- thank you. I started weeping when I read what you wrote. That really is the hurtful part. The buddhism part is just very uncomfortable- but I can accept and work with it because my husband is sincerely attached to buddhism for many Christ like reasons.

I cannot get him to understand my discomfort with his time away from home. He really thinks I am being selfish and uncaring about what he needs spiritually.

Thank you maendem, and everyone else for taking the time to talk to me-- I really need to hear feedback- God bless you all!

 

[darcee]

Personally, I could be wrong, it sounds like what he really wants is out of the marriage and he is trying to force you to be the one who asks for him to leave. Any sensible person wouldn’t feel that you should “Be happy for me while I pull your heart out.” He is being EXTREMELY selfish and then putting the blame on your for not being happy for him. That is nuts. I am confused why he thinks you should be happy for him when he is causing you so much pain (including adultery)

-D

 

[SeekerJen]

jcr:

I cannot get him to understand my discomfort with his time away from home. He really thinks I am being selfish and uncaring about what he needs spiritually.

He resents me because he says that I do not show any interest in something that is so meaningful to him. He says that if I really loved him, I would be interested in what he is doing and happy for him.

And it doesn’t sound like he is concerned with what you need from him as your spouse. Sometimes people get defensive when they know they are being unreasonable and are in the wrong- perhaps this is part of why he is calling you selfish. It’s a way to deflect guilt and blame. I’m amazed at the level of denial from him, though. How can he expect you to be happy about something that has caused him in the past to break his marriage vows, and that he plans to make a much larger part of his future?

I’m not in this situation and I can’t tell you what to do. I can make a suggestion: ask that he be unselfish and meet your spiritual needs by going to counseling with you, as you have some major trust issues with him and this Buddhist singles group. A neutral third party such as a counselor might be able to break through the denial and get him to actually hear your concerns (ordinarily clergy would be suggested on these boards, but since part of the problem is that he feels like his “spiritual needs” aren’t respected, you might want to go with a secular counselor). Ask him why he is not able to find a group that is more centered around married couples, and one that doesn’t require him to spend so much of his time away from his family.

This is tough. God bless you. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

 

[DBT]

darcee:

Personally, I could be wrong, it sounds like what he really wants is out of the marriage and he is trying to force you to be the one who asks for him to leave. Any sensible person wouldn’t feel that you should “Be happy for me while I pull your heart out.” He is being EXTREMELY selfish and then putting the blame on your for not being happy for him. That is nuts. I am confused why he thinks you should be happy for him when he is causing you so much pain (including adultery)

Thinking the same thing myself. This just doesn’t sound like it’s really about spirituality. “Authentic” spiritual growth, it would seem to me, would mean setting aside your personal desires (ie. making these retreats) until your spouse is comfortable with the whole thing. But then I’m trying to think like a Christian . . .

 

[MamaGeek]

jcr:

I cannot get him to understand my discomfort with his time away from home. He really thinks I am being selfish and uncaring about what he needs spiritually.

Maybe you could explain to him that although he promised never to cheat on you again, he also promised to be faithful when he made those vows on your wedding day. Tell him how he has lost your trust and that going away for a month with these people does not build your trust back, but only erodes it further. How can he expect you to trust him after what he did? Is it selfish to ask him to avoid the same situation that led him to adultery in the first place? Why not suggest an alternative that you can both enjoy, like a week-long getaway to a beach somewhere that he can meditate and you can be together?

Does he work? Is he using up all his vacation time to go on these trips? That time rightfully belongs to you and your children, not to some group of strangers. If he thinks his new faith is more important than his family, ask him how he can love a faith that encourages adultery and neglect? And if his faith does not endorse these things, then point that out.

 

[Kater30]

DBT:

Thinking the same thing myself. This just doesn’t sound like it’s really about spirituality. “Authentic” spiritual growth, it would seem to me, would mean setting aside your personal desires (ie. making these retreats) until your spouse is comfortable with the whole thing. But then I’m trying to think like a Christian . . .

amen to that!

 

[Scott_Waddell]

I agree that this is becomming less than a religion issue than marriage issue. You are in danger (if not already there) of turning your marriage into a power struggle. Nothing but hurt and brokeness can come of it. I would talk to your priest and spiritual advisor rather than get advice off the net.

I will point out one thing though. Buddhists are not obligated to raise their children in the faith (err…philosophy or whatever it is). Catholics are. Hopefully, he can respect that.

Scott

 

[kage_ar]

If there has been an affair, you both need counciling - would he agree to that?

Reparing that trust takes a very long time, I’ve had friends in similar situations - the ONLY way that they could save the marriage was that he basically decided to never go anywhere without his wife again - he even took work with the same company as his wife. He was willing to do this to save the marriage, because she could not trust anymore (this is DRASTIC I think…)

Praying for you…

 

[TheGarg]

Bless, you and hello, I see you have met my girlfriend Kater30.
The only advice I believe there is to give you is just what the word of God says…We find answers to this in

1 Corinthians 7: 13 - 14 contains the meat of if, but please read the whole chapter, that is always best.

biblegateway.com/cgi-bin/bible?passage=1COR+7&language=english&version=NIV&showfn=on&showxref=on

as far as dealing with the day to day stress of some of your trials in this matter, this bit of the Word will help you best…

Philippians 4: 6 - 9 contains the meat of if, but please read the whole chapter, that is always best.

biblegateway.com/cgi-bin/bible?language=english&version=NIV&passage=philippians+4

You chose this man, and in the words of Mother Thresa, “Pray and Forgive” , This, and the Word of the Lord will surely bring you peace,
no matter what your husband does. Just so long as you never shake your own faith or love for God and His Son, Jesus Christ.

Peace be to you and remember to give it up to the Lord…

 

[csr]

jcr:

How, then do I go about “not accepting it”.

As far as I can see you’re not accepting it, because you are searching for answers.

More details have become available now, and I’m not sure what to recommend. At first it looked like a divide over religion, now it appears to involve infidelity to marriage vows. It isn’t even just “husband’s buddhism damaging our marriage”, it’s “husband’s affair has damaged our marriage”.

How do I keep up a close, intimate relationship with a man who is behaving this way?

It’s hard for anyone here to say, but sometimes the woman can be the conduit for the Holy Ghost for her husband, by being pious. This can take years.

It seems pretty obvious that false religion doesn’t impart truth to adherents, so that a flingy on a retreat might be some sort of ‘expression of the spirit’. The gods of the gentiles are devils. Your task is a hard one.

---

By this shall all men know that you are my disciples, if you have love one for another. Jn 13:35

 

[TheGarg]

I would just like to point out that The Catholics in this room need to stop separating the “marriage” and the “religion”. Matrimony is one of the Seven Sacraments and therefore cannot be a separate issue.

**I keep hearing this resounding theme of “well, never mind the religious aspect, but think about the worldly aspect”. You need to resist this, do not be worldly in your decision making. **

I pray for strength for you in this matter, May the Peace of the Lord be with you

 

[AlanFromWichita]

jcr:

I cannot get him to understand my discomfort with his time away from home. He really thinks I am being selfish and uncaring about what he needs spiritually.

I know this is a cliche, but I wonder if he would have such a hard time figuring it out if the tables were turned. Suppose you had had an affair with some stranger at a retreat a year ago, then apologized, but then wanted to go to the same retreat this year with a bunch of single men. Would he give you his blessings and say, “honey I’m so excited for you because you will get to exercise your faith without me, far away from here, with a bunch of permiscuous strangers who know nothing about a marriage vow.”

He should be crawling to you, humbly asking if you permit him to go if he promised to call you at the beginning and end of every scheduled activity, write you at least one page per day, and promise that if he begins to feel himself slipping he will immediately call you, leave the retreat and head straight home.

I would be inclined to think he’s a jerk, but judging from my own past (before I was married, thank God) I’m more inclined to call him clueless, based on what little I know so far.

Alan

 

[otm]

jcr: considering the state that the two of you are in, you have two choices. You can either accept as inevitable that your marriage is over, and prepare for a divorce (either one you initiate, or wait until he does), or you can get to a marriage counselor. He will either come along to the counselor, or he won’t. His reaction is somewhat irrelevant at this point. You need professional help. Most diocese seem to have some related Catholic counseling center; that is the best place to start.

None of this is to suggest that prayer doesn’t work; you need to be praying like you never have before. But you are both becoming entrenched in your positions. That has to change, or you won’t be married for long. And it is long past time to try to work it out on your own; he is resisting that. He knows how you feel. You have told him, and some times you have even used words. Either you learn to break the pattern, or it will break you.

And just for the sake of honesty to yourself and your relationship, you need to learn what part you have had in this situation getting to this point. There is never a fight but that there are two parties. I am not suggesting blame. Blame games are only one step above a pitty party. But I am suggesting that you need professional help in dealing with this situation.

Get counseling, or get an attorney. There are not really any real, reliable, effective alternatives at this point. The position you are in is akin to standing in the middle of the street with a Mack truck barreling down at you. You can stand there and pray, and hope something changes (maybe the driver will stop, or turn?), or you can say a quick prayer while you scramble out of the way. It is time for tough love, and the first person who needs some tough love is you. Please, get help.

 

[csr]

Did you ever try driving through the parking lot that was designed by a committee?? We are giving you so many ideas: it’ll end up being the stew prepared by 30 chefs! You might get a strange result! :whacky: I’m just kidding a bit. I did have another thought. I hope I’m not being ridiculous:

jcr:

He says that if I really loved him, I would be interested in what he is doing and happy for him.

This is an error in his thinking that you may be able to work with, directly or indirectly. He is saying in effect that you should decide what to believe based on how he feels. Or that you should accept the truth of an idea based on how he feels about the idea. I think that somewhere in his mind he must know that this is not a basis for understanding any truth, let alone the highest one. I am in no position to prescribe modes of speech 'twixt the two of you, but considering that as the extreme weakness of my position here as a commentator (which I assume applies to all of us), you could say, “Well I am always happy that people are interested to know what is true, but I don’t think that buddhism is true.” Or, “Ideas are true apart from whether we like them.” Or, “It isn’t that I’m not interested, it’s just that I really think Jesus Christ is God, and that other spiritual avenues are not workable.”

And we know that the Son of God is come: and he hath given us understanding that we may know the true God, and may be in his true Son. This is the true God and life eternal. (1 John 5:20)

I suppose he won’t take the Scriptures at their word; the quote just indicates an important truth, that’s all. Also the gods of the gentiles are devils; (Psalm 95:5) he is being influenced by false worship. Anyway, you could try to get him to separate enthusiasm from truth.

jcr:

What am I doing wrong? I don’t want to damage my marriage, but I can’t fake excitement. Is it fair for him to think my attitude is due to lack of love??

I see no reason from our religion why you should have to fake excitement. Here’s another idea, :twocents: :You could examine the lives of the saints to discover some holy women who had awful husbands (I’m not saying yours in awful, I’m citing that as a general class of experience you could draw from). Perhaps people could name some saints who qualify. Here is a web page of perhaps indirect help:

Let the Simone de Beauvoirs’ and the feminists rage and twist the facts of history. But the truth needs to be stated. The role and influence of virtuous Catholic wives and mothers, who never lost their femininity of spirit, has always been immense.*

Another thought: Previously I may have underestimated the notion of visits to places where people are engaged in discussion or practice of Christic contemplation–what I meant was that if it is billed as a replacement he may grasp rather quickly that he’s going from la nada to his sins and the God-man. OTOH, if he just visits, he may sense something in the atmosphere.

otm:

Get counseling, or get an attorney.

Far be it from me to give definitive advice, but please, remember, as others have said, religion is not irrelevant. Be careful about seeking just worldly solutions.

 

[csr]

I just wanted to provide a link to an overview of Catholic contemplation, from Cath. Encyc.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

jcr:

He says that if I really loved him, I would be interested in what he is doing and happy for him.

I missed this point until csr talked about it.

The book “The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense” by Suzette Haden Elgin (unfortunately out of print), discusses this form of verbal violence. It is kind of a cross between two forms out of eight the book talks about. I’ll give you a taste of the book, but hardly do it justice considering there is a whole chapter on each form.

The form of this simple attack:

1. If you *really *(X), you would/wouldn’t (Y).

The stronger the word really is stressed, the more likely you are under attack. The important thing to know is that (Y) is just the bait in this attack, and the presupposition you automatically buy into if you take the bait is “you don’t really (X)”

Sample confrontation:
Man: If you really loved me, you would be interested in what I am doing and happy for me.
Woman: But I am interested in what you are doing and I am happy that you are finding peace! Don’t you understand how I feel when you go off on your trips?

(WOMAN has already lost this one, no matter what happens from this point on, because she has completely ignored MAN’S real challenge – that she doesn’t love him. By not responding to that challenge, hidden in the presupposition, she has conceded the point and admitted by default that he is right. Let’s look at a couple more moves.)

Man: All the other married men are going to the retreat and their wives don’t lay a guilt trip on them.
Woman: How do you know how their wives feel? How would you know how any wife feels about it when you can’t even listen to me?
Man: [Very reasonable tone of voice] Why is it, sweetheart, that whenever we try to have a simple adult discussion of any issue, you always get hysterical and turn it into a fight?

What could she do instead of taking the bait? One way is to respond in “computer” mode, very neutrally. For example:

Man: If you really loved me, you would be interested in what I am doing and happy for me.
Woman: You know, it’s interesting that so many men have this feeling that their wives don’t love them.

Notice she has not used “I” or “me.” She has not taken the bait and moved on to defend her lack of interest in his activity. She has shown no emotion beyond a kind of neutral interest, and she has not blamed him in any way – she is talking about men in general. She also has not admitted that his presupposed claim, that she doesn’t love him, is true.

Carried out this way, the confrontation may come to a halt right there. For one thing, WOMAN has the advantage of surprise. MAN will be stunned–she is not supposed to know how to carry out a move like that, or to have the fortitude to follow through with it.

Now, to emphasize what not to do by contrast, resist the temptation to try to work in a dig, such as this:
Man: If you really loved me, you would be interested in what I am doing and happy for me.
Woman: You know, it’s interesting that so many men – once they reach your age – have this feeling that their wives don’t love them.

This is dirty fighting, and will certainly lead to an escalation, and is not a good move for a beginner to make.

Other possible return move to the opening remarks:
Man: If you really loved me, you would be interested in what I am doing and happy for me.
Woman: Honey, how long have you felt that I might not love you? Maybe I don’t tell you often enough?

Notice she didn’t say “oh, so you don’t think I love you,” which would be blaming. Also, she has completely ignored the bait because the real issue (that she doesn’t love him) has to be dealt with first or she essentially pleads guilty to it.

Alan