Desparate for advice- Husband's buddhism damaging our marriage

[Scott_Waddell]

I would just like to point out that The Catholics in this room need to stop separating the “marriage” and the “religion”. Matrimony is one of the Seven Sacraments and therefore cannot be a separate issue.

**I keep hearing this resounding theme of “well, never mind the religious aspect, but think about the worldly aspect”. You need to resist this, do not be worldly in your decision making. **

I pray for strength for you in this matter, May the Peace of the Lord be with you

I didn’t separate Marriage from the Sacrament. I suggested this women needs help rather than pointy-headed academic theology. This is motivated entirely by a desire to save a Sacramental marriage and I think this is understood. It is the clash of two faiths that threaten to undo the sacrament, not semantics.

Scott

 

[jcr]

Again, thanks for all your thoughts.

My husband will go to counseling. I don’t think I will be able to get away w/ a Catholic counselor… It’s such a challenge to find someone good!
I talked with my husband last night. He said if it would cost him his marriage, he would not go on his next trip(out west for 5 days). THis trip is not until next year. I know if he does not go, he will be VERY resentful. If he does go, not only will I be upset, I will have to think about it for several months(and listen about it)! I am trying to decide which will be worse.

 

[TheGarg]

Scott Waddell:

I agree that this is becomming less than a religion issue than marriage issue.

Scott

My apologies, I took this in the wrong context, you must have meant “Christianity vs. Buddhism”, by the term Religion issue.

**I took it as you were separating marriage from religion, sorry. **
There have been some implications of my concern in some of the responses.

Peace be to you!

 

[Sunniva]

jcr,

I have been reading this thread and you have got some very interesting answers.

If I had been in your situation I would talk to a priest and talk about your situation just as you have shared with it with us. He may also recommend a spiritual director that can help you on your own spiritual journey.

 

[Linda_H]

jcr, I would reccomend you ask you pastor if he would suggest a counselor who would suit your needs. In the mean time please take action to protect yourself, finacially and legally in the event that you do end up in a divorce. You have not said if you work outside of your home, and if you don’t it is even more important for you to do this without delay. Above all trust in God that He will take care of all your needs. Be careful of religious practices that sound superstitious, when in doubt check with your pastor, some of these previous suggestions with the holy metals do fall into that area. I will be praying for you.
Linda H.

 

[otm]

jcr:

My husband will go to counseling. I don’t think I will be able to get away w/ a Catholic counselor… It’s such a challenge to find someone good!
I talked with my husband last night. He said if it would cost him his marriage, he would not go on his next trip(out west for 5 days). THis trip is not until next year. I know if he does not go, he will be VERY resentful. If he does go, not only will I be upset, I will have to think about it for several months(and listen about it)! I am trying to decide which will be worse.

The problem is not the trip. The trip is only a symptom.

You are dead right about his response of being very resentful. and you are dead right about your response if he does go. Again, you need to get to a counselor. A good Catholic counselor is not going to quote scripture to him, or sacramental theology. But they will have the foundation in their counseling that marriage is more than just a contract.

The answer is both simple and very hard at the same time. You need to pick the counselor, not him. You need to start going, whether or not he participates. I suspect that if he has anything left in terms of wanting the marriage to continue, he will cooperate. If he gets upset about the counselor being Catholic, just ignore it; that is just a smoke screen.

If you want to save this marriage, and have a marriage that is something more than just living in the same house and sharing a checkbook, you need help.

The marriage is not dead, but it is certainly dying. It is past time for worrying about what your husband will think, or how he will react. The ball is in your court and it is your responsibility to move. You can “what if” yourself until something happens, or you can accept that you are responsible to get this marriage back on track, and the way to do that is to get help.

If he cooperates, there is hope. If he doesn’t cooperate, then at least you can come to terms with the decision. Avoiding doing something at this point is like living a lie; you know reality is different, but you keep pretending that it isn’t, or that it will change. And it keeps not changing…

God bless. Our prayers are with you.

 

[Kater30]

Jcr, I’m glad that he said he would go to counseling. That is a big step. Like I’ve said before, don’t give up on your faith and don’t compromise your values. A counselor, no matter what denomination, will be good because they can mediate between you and your husband’s view. I would strongly recommend that if you do not pick a Catholic counselor, then pick a Chrisitan one at least. Secular counseling has a lot of different ideas on the value of the marriage relationship than a Christian counselor will. So, go with your gut, pray about it, and the Lord will lead you on the path to healing. I’m excited to hear what happens. You can PM me anytime. God Bless!

Katie

 

[Townsend]

Jcr,
I am so very sorry to read about your troubles. I will pray for you and your husband.

I think you might want to look further into this group your husband is involved with. “Cult” may be too strong a word, but this does not sound like any kind of authentic Buddhism.

True Buddhists take vows and marriage very seriously. From his perspective, the negative karma he incurred by committing adultery would be a very serious matter for him. He should be doing everything he can to rectify that balance with you. He clearly isn’t doing that, so I’m assuming that he’s not being taught real Buddhism.

I join the voices on this forum urging you both to counseling. And pray daily for his conversion to Christ.

 

[jcr]

Thanks for those replies- I truly appreciate them!

Well, my husband said that he would cancel the trip- but he is very upset. He truly thinks he should be able to go. He thinks I am standing in the way of his buddhism. I told him that I would be happy to work w/ him on some things he wanted to do, but that I could not handle him going back out west to the place where he broke his marriage vows w/ a group of men and women that I have no connection to. He considers this Shambala mountain center a holy place, and he assured me that he would go out there again sometime(probably as soon as he can).

I do not think that he is going out there for an affair. I do think that he really wants to go for the experience, teachers, sessions, etc. It’s just too unknown for me. Can somebody tell me if I am being reasonable or not?? I keep asking that to myself.

P.S. I am working on finding a couselor. I am going to contact my preist for advice(my OLD priest- my new one does not think like me or like anything that you read on this website)

 

[jennstall]

I think the advice to find out more about Buddhism is off the point here, folks. The problem isn’t Buddhism, it’s the fact that her husband finds it acceptable to desert his marriage for a month – whether that is to go off fishing or to go off and find Buddha.

The first obvious cracks in my own marriage were indicated to me by my husband finding ways to spend less and less time at home with me – whether it was work or going out with friends or volunteering for extended business trips. We’re divorced now. If you do not want to go that route, you need to get to the root of the real problem in your relationship and for that I’d suggest a marriage counselor, preferably a Catholic one, but even a secular therapist could probably help you here.

 

[jennstall]

jcr:

I do not think that he is going out there for an affair. I do think that he really wants to go for the experience, teachers, sessions, etc. It’s just too unknown for me. Can somebody tell me if I am being reasonable or not?? I keep asking that to myself.

You’re being completely reasonable. The problem here isn’t Buddhism. Good luck findng a therapist. I will say some prayers for you.

 

[jcr]

My husband is going to talk to a lady is his “sangha” (that he holds in high regard) about our problems. I offered to join him if he wanted me to. Was this a good gesture on my part?

 

[otm]

jcr:

My husband is going to talk to a lady is his “sangha” (that he holds in high regard) about our problems. I offered to join him if he wanted me to. Was this a good gesture on my part?

No.

He has been the one who is determining where and how this marriage goes; and you have been along for the ride. You will be going into the meeting, most likely, with at least a subliminal feeling that the deck is stacked against you. And if you don’t feel that, you should.

Buddhism is not the problem; it is simply one of the symptoms.

You need to quit trying to do things his way. You need the help in trying to find out what the real problems are in this marriage, and the help finding the tools to deal with it. If you already had those tools, you wouldn’t be in this position.

He has pretty much what he seems to want (at least, enough that he has not seen fit to leave), and things seem to pretty much go the way he wants (ok, you said no to the next trip, and he through a fit; but I suspect that the issue is not resolved, but only delayed). You are not happy in the dynamics of the marrriage, but can’t seem to change it, don’t want to abandon it, and are frustrated with it.

You need a therapist of your own choosing, someone who is not aligned with him emotionally, or spiritually, or socially.

I applaud you for your desire to help the marriage survive in the face of overwhelming odds. But, like it or not, you must get out of your comfort zone and address some really serious issues, and to do that, you are going to have to start making the choices, and calling the shots. Until you do, you are bound to keep repeating the history you have lived.

The woman at the sangha might be a gem. Or she might be one more nail in the coffin. What he does at this moment is much less an issue than what you do. It is your turn.

God bless

 

[adanneya]

hello my beloved in christ jesus,
i quite understand what you are going through and i know too that God is with it you in it too,i will suggect the following advicses,they may not be easy but they will help you,it may not be immediate but it will work in the long run.
1.be strong in prayers especially visit the most Holy eucharist i.e blessed sacrament and make his coming back to his family the prayer point.
2.tell him he is free to go to where he wants to go [mean it], never
stop him by your negative mood or action.
3.if need be help him pack his bags for the journey,forget about the other woman and don’t discuss it again with him
4.increase your love for him,tell him you love him and mean it in words and action
5.if your are not working,found something to keep you busy during the day so as to make you have less time to think and warrow in self pity
6.be good looking and take time to look after your self
7.do that and be that,that made him fall in love with you and married you
8.be happy and get involved in what makes you happy
9.trust GOD when you have done all these
10.one day especially when you least expected it,he will tell you he has given it up and ask for forgiveness for all the pains he has caused you or he will just show you that he has changed like most men do,i mean those that doesn’t say am sorry .
FOR THERE IS NOTHING IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD

 

[dawnicamar]

In any relationship when there is a difference of practice and faith, there will be things on both sides that need to be compromised.

My husband also is switching religions. My brand of supportiveness has been to learn what his religion believes (without embracing it as my own), so that I at least have an idea where he is coming from. It’s not easy, but it might help the both of you.

I agree that it’s not right for him to go off on retreats without regard to your feelings on the matter. The least he could do is to invite you to at least be in the same general area (conference building), whatever, so that you can share the travel time together. I don’t know how practical that is in your situation.

I don’t know what Buddhism teaches with regard to religion in family life. It’s possible that frequent long trips are interfering with family life as well as marriage – that may be something for (him)you both to consider.

 

[dawnicamar]

MamaGeek:

No, absolutely not.

Right. You do not need to do things that make you uncomfortable. I think some discomfort is par for the course, but there are some things you cannot be made to do. For you, this (hanging out at the Buddhist retreat) may be one of them. Personally, I would go… but that’s because Buddhism interests me, and I would have plenty of things I could do (heh also because I’m not actually IN this situation) – it’s a lot easier to say than do, I know.

I wonder how crucial it is to his faith to go on these retreats? Can’t buddhism be practiced privately as well as in groups? If possible, I’d suggest he step into these group practices more slowly, because you’re his wife and he needs to care for your feelings.

It’s possible this issue could break your marriage entirely. Like a few others, I encourage you to look after your personal assets so that you are not entirely dependent on his choices.

 

[dawnicamar]

Kater30:

Ok, I totally don’t understand this. I highly doubt that Mother Theresa is going to “worship” Buddha. There’s gotta be an explanation for all that.

Most likely she was praying to her own God. We can pray alongside others without praying to their understanding of God. The caption on that photo says she was “praying to Buddha”, but as I say, that doesn’t seem likely to be the case. She was praying alongside Buddhists.

 

[dawnicamar]

jcr:

maendem:
I cannot get him to understand my discomfort with his time away from home. He really thinks I am being selfish and uncaring about what he needs spiritually.

I doubt it. My husband threw very similar things at me when he chose to make a dinner date with a girlfriend and not invite me, out of respect for her feelings!

He’s playing your feelings, and he probably knows it. He’s using religion and spirituality to make his behavior acceptable. No matter his arguments, it is not.

 

[dawnicamar]

jcr:

My husband is going to talk to a lady is his “sangha” (that he holds in high regard) about our problems. I offered to join him if he wanted me to. Was this a good gesture on my part?

I think it was a good gesture. Mind you, I expect it will be difficult for you. Be careful not to take this sangha’s word as law. I suspect she will side with you on the issue of spending time away from family, but she might not.

It may be even better if you can both bring spiritual advisors for the talk – it’s a little dangerous to be outnumbered this way.

 

[Lil]

Hi,
just a few quick thoughts: there are several different styles of Buddhism taught in the US, ranging from Zen to several different Tibetan lineages. Some, like dharmadhatu, founded by Chogyam Trungpa R(name removed by moderator)oche, have been westernized somewhat. Others, are more traditional. Some of the very traditional Tibetan lineages still have optional or mandatory vows of celibacy, refraining from meat, etc. for the duration of teachings. You may want to learn more about which lineage your husband is studying. Interestingly, at the Naropa Institute in Boulder Co., there used to be conferences on Buddhist/Christian dialogues. There are many Christian and even Catholics who dialogue with the Buddhists as the contemplative traditions have a lot in common. You may also find some peace checking out some of catholicisms more mystic writers, including Thomas Merton and the more recent John O’Donohue. Finding common ground may build a bridge for you and your husband.
Finding new spiritual ground is exciting and tends to make the past seem invisible. He is no doubt, excited and caught up in his new adventure. But in time, one finds oneself having realizations that take one right back where one started. If you are there waiting, all the better. good luck and God bless.
Lil’