Desperate need for guidance

  • Thread starter Thread starter Devoted0702
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
1ke is spitting truth here, OP. You need to accept that this isn’t going to work out the way you imagined. This guy wasted three years of your time. Don’t double down and let him waste three more. Sunk cost fallacy and all that.
 
He has told you for 3 years that he does not want to get married.

Believe him.

We women often think we can change a man, that WE are different from every other woman and our love will overcome any resistance. It won’t.

Screaming matches are a sign of a dysfunctional relationship. The red flags are all around you, time to un-mesh your life from this man, wish him well and take some time to work on yourself before entering another relationship.
 
It has been said on these forums before, ‘screaming is not a good example.’ Nor is stringing others along. If he were truly in love with you, and wanted to be in a position to give you what you want, he’d be working on himself. He can’t hold a job? Maybe he should have gone to some kind of job training. Has trouble with his temper? Anger management. But, he’s returned to you without working on himself. Not a bit.

He needs prayer, so pray for him, by all means. But take it no further…he has shown you, he’s not husband material. Time for some serious prayer and discernment. Then, once this pandemic is over, work on finding a man who shares your dreams for the future…and has the intention of making them come true. God Bless!!!
 
Last edited:
It is difficult to understand him- why someone who has it all; a great caliber of a man. Financially successful, great business man, honest with his work and people, goodlooking, highly liked and respected by just about everyone, has a great woman who simply adores him…yet…we’re stuck in this circle.
Sure he has some personality traits that are questionable- maybe a bit OCD, overthinker, overanalyzer-- but we all have some things that stick out.
Thats why I take a step back and try and figure out…maybe he may have it “all” but just not want the marriage and kids part of life; its hard for me to understand because I wasnt brought up that way- I don’t understand why that wouldnt be on someones life goals…especially after he’s already achieved so much in his life.
 
“It is difficult to understand him- why someone who has it all;”

That’s right. He has it all as he wants it. And being married to you is not a part of his idea of having it all.

You really need to stop trying to analyze him, dissect him and figure out how he thinks or why he is the way he is. Because it sounds like you want him to change, or that you are willing to become what he wants. And that’s not good.

Really. Just stop already. It’s time to stop thinking about him and think about moving forward without him.
 
Last edited:
Irishmom2 said:
“It is difficult to understand him- why someone who has it all;”

That’s right. He has it all as he wants it. And being married to you is not a part of his idea of having it all.

You really need to stop trying to analyze him, dissect him and figure out how he thinks or why he is the way he is. Because it sounds like you want him to change, or that you are willing to become what he wants. And that’s not good.

Really. Just stop already. It’s time to stop thinking about him and think about moving forward without him.
Click to expand...
This, a million times.

Quite frankly, it doesn’t matter why is he the way he is. He is that way. The way he is and what you want are two separate things entirely.

I get the impression that you keep analysing him to work out how to change him. That isn’t going to happen. If he wanted to be married to you, he would be. He doesn’t.

You’ve spent enough time on him. Don’t waste any more.
 
Devoted0702 said:
It is difficult to understand him-
Click to expand...
You don’t need to understand him. He is what he is. Move on. You’ve wasted 3 years.
Devoted0702 said:
Sure he has some personality traits that are questionable-
Click to expand...
Which you continue to ignore and overlook AT YOUR OWN PERIL.
Devoted0702 said:
ts hard for me to understand because I wasnt brought up that way- I don’t understand why that wouldnt be on someones life goals…
Click to expand...
You sound very hung up on this idealistic view of what everyone “should want”. And you are trying to force him into your vision. It doesn’t work that way.

We can only tell you what the reality is. If you continue to ignore it, you’ll be back here next year repeating the same lamentation or worse in several years when you are in an unhappy marriage if you’ve managed to drag him down the aisle.
 
humbleseeker said:
Reading through your post, my knee jerk reaction, walk away. He’s not going to change.
Click to expand...
I was going to say walk away, too, but I think it would be better to run.
Hon, he’s made it very very clear that he’s not interested in marriage. Cut your losses, block his phone number, email, and social media, and get on with your life. I know it’s hard, but not nearly as hard as living like this for the rest of your life.
 
And don’t be surprised if it does not take you a year and a half to stop having a feeling of attachment to him. Those feelings do not mean anything more than hormonal bonds.
 
The very fact that you posted here shows that something is wrong. If things were OK, you’d be planning your wedding, and probably wouldn’t even have thought of posting. We’re just trying to keep you from making a big mistake. If he keeps stringing you along, you might never seriously think of other men or other options. If you somehow get him to marry you, he will blame you, and who knows what he may end up putting you through? There are quite a few members of these forums whose spouses mistreat them, in one way or another.

Be glad that you’re not one of them. Don’t set yourself up to be Hurt. Don’t let him hurt you. Do this for his sake as well as your own. He’s obviously not called to be a husband and father. Give your dreams a chance to come true…with a man who truly wants the same things!
 
how I want a husband to love and honor and children to raise to become God’s people; I feel so sorry for you…I feel your pain and hurt…you stated what you want and by your description of him…he does not want what you want! I would also say that your prayers were answered by him reappearing…Mother Mary is hoping you will see that he is not good for you and does not support your wants and needs…I hope you can find the strength to “let go” of him and heal your hurt with prayer. You gave him three years of your life and now close the door on this relationship…and never open the door to him ever again! Take care and God Bless You! 💔
 
These are all things that i needed to hear/see- I appreciate you all tremendously.
I don’t want this to be portrayed as an “abusive” relationship, in fact its nowhere near that- besides the emotional rollercoaster that we are on; sure that is abusive indeed.
I suppose the best way for me to explain is the deep love and potential I have for him. Though, you are all right- I am trying to force him to see that and that shouldnt be happening; he should see that all.
When we sit and talk live and its meaning, I can tell that he’s never had those sorts of talks before- he lacks in understanding what I am explaining to him; its obvious. He is a very “spoiled” person and at times I think he is a 13 year stuck in a 44 year old body-
It’s the potential that keeps me repeating this relationship- I do this not only in relationships but even in frienships; I allow whatever bad quality that person has to completely take a bad seat and chance after chance after chance is given and I’m always ending up hurt.
I suppose I should pray that I am stronger for my own self and stop self inflicting the abuse.
::sigh:: Thank you ALL so much for the insight <3
 
@Devoted0702 Having read your thread, it sounds like you’re showing signs of infatuation and desperation with this dude.

There’s nothing wrong with a bit of infatuation, but your posts really do read as verging on desperate. You have said many times that the long term relationship has “potential”. I understand you mean marriage and kids…however the signs that he is giving you certainly don’t indicate this potential. Looking at it from an outsiders view, I take it that he enjoys your company and probably feels some sort of connection, but isn’t willing to sacrifice the freedom that he’s come to grow and enjoy. Looking at this from the outside, to me, that shows the opposite - that the relationship does not have potential and you are wasting your time (on the assumption that your goal is to find an honorable gentleman, get married, have kids etc etc etc).

Please don’t think I’m being mean in this post. I really am not. I am just trying to tell you how I see the situation - as if I were talking to my younger sister.
 
When he showed up at your door with flowers, you should have said “flowers? Is that all?” “Come back with a ring or don’t come back at all”.
My mother would have said to you “have some respect for yourself”. How long are you going to let him lead you on? You’re not showing respect for yourself and neither is he.
You wasted too much time on him already.
Evaluate his actions and character, not his charm and “potential”.
 
Last edited:
This!!! If i could go back in time; thats exactly what I should have done! I am choking up reading that, because thing would have been different if i didnt fold like a napkin seeing him there. But immediately seeing him standing there, was some what out of body-- I had just finished praying my day 20 of the novena and thats all that went through my head (I was SO shocked; I couldnt even react properly besides thinking, my petition was granted)
There are SO many emotional elements in this, probably desperate…probably not wanting this to fail AGAIN, probably that I’ve literally spent so much time convincing my family and my friends that this time…“its for real” I dont know; God willing I can muster up the energy to figure this out without coming out too battered up
 
I get it that you are totally infatuated and psychologically not thinking straight because of “love brain”.
Seriously, is there a way you can think about dating other men in the future? Obviously not now during the pandemic, but I think you need to see “there are other fish in the sea”.
Do your parents know all about this relationship? Do they have any advice?
 
TheLittleLady said:
40.png
Devoted0702:
He is a very “spoiled” person and at times I think he is a 13 year stuck in a 44 year old body-
Click to expand...
Another red flag that this person is not marriage material!
Click to expand...
Its borderline very sad. I think I’m also in this “save” him stage as well- i encourage having him go to mass, wearing a crucifix, keeping a picture of the Sacred Heart in the house (which he sometimes takes down)…his sister is married to an atheist, and she’s adopted alot of her husbands’ traits and sometimes will try to push them on to him; (hence why i think sometimes the picture comes down).
I feel a sense of abandoning him when I get angry or when I feel like I am pressuring him, knowing that he doesnt have a shoulder to rest on because his family is so “cold” for lack of better words
 
You cannot save him. His salvation is completely his own choice, the choice to accept Christ or to reject Him. “Missionary dating” ends in pain.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top